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Original poster

I think friend is ridiculous, she thinks I'm a mug: who is right?

138 replies

napalmbeth · 11/05/2022 12:43

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has an old female friend who is an ex stripper/burlesque dancer. She's in a settled relationship with someone and hasn't done it for several years. My boyfriend and I don't live together but are in a stable, happy relationship and I trust him as he's never given me any reason not to. I have a child (not his child) if relevant.

He's known this woman for 15+ years and used to hang out with her/go clubbing with her way back when. He keeps in touch with her and others in her circle and we (together) have gone out with her and her partner maybe 3-4 times since we've been together. I get on well with this woman. To my nearly certain knowledge he hasn't met her once without my being there in the time we've been together.

We are going to visit this woman's home town soon and meeting various people we know who live there, including this friend, for a drink. Both of us and her and her partner.

I relayed this casually in conversation to a (female) friend of mine. She said I was being a "mug" and she wouldn't tolerate her partner hanging out with a former stripper. I said that was ridiculous, she said I was being childish and a "cool wife" and should have better boundaries and should put my foot down. I haven't done as I don't see any reason to and she's recently asked me what I play to do about it.

Am I being naïve? I think the fact of someone having historically been a stripper doesn't mean they are inherently more likely to cheat with my partner or he with her? My partner has a number of female friends who I trust and like, why should this woman be singled out on the basis of something she did for money years ago?

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 11/05/2022 21:41

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/05/2022 13:15

I think she's right on feminist grounds - prancing around in your undercrackers in the name of 'empowerment' isn't exactly a feminist act. However, neither are lots of things and I'm friends with lots of non-feminists.

That said, assuming that someone is out to shag someone else's husband is deeply unfeminist too, so your friend isn't exactly being consistent!

But you are also right in terms of this friendship - this woman is no threat to you just because at one point she skipped around on a stage with pasties on her nips. Even if she was a stripper in the way my old dad would use the term (which is as far from burlesque as you can get) she still wouldn't be any threat to you because none of those things mean she's a husband stealer, or that your husband is available to be stolen.

It is when you are getting paid for it. Her choice. She's the one that's laughing all the way to the bank.

oldswitcheroo · 11/05/2022 21:49

GrumpyTerrier · 11/05/2022 21:34

Also I want to point out to those talking about 'strippers' like that defines their souls, even years after they stopped stripping---a stripper is stripper when she is at work. When not at work she is a myriad of things, just like everyone else. She watches TV, gets tired, worries about money, cooks dinner, gets stressed, laughs at silly things... just the same as anyone else. She's a whole person, not an immoral threat who is out to seduce all men, any men, your man!

Well, quite! Hold onto your husbands, ladies, I'm here to woo them with my sex dance in sainsburys.

Googlecanthelpme · 11/05/2022 21:54

Your friend is entitled to her opinion of course (although really don’t agree with her) but what she’s not entitled to do is ram that OPINION based on her own feelings down your neck as if it is FACT.

Using feminism to try and validate her opinion is bullshit because there is fuck all feminist about holding judgement over a woman because of the choices she made for herself, especially when you do not know that woman, have never met her, know nothing of the nuances of her life and character and have based your judgement on one fact told third hand. I have issues with the whole “empowering” narrative around sex work too but it’s a red herring here. She’s using this to try and hide / justify a dislike purely based on her own insecurities.

What you have described is a low key but long standing friendship which has never ever given you any cause for concern before and the fact the woman is an ex stripper is completely irrelevant.

it could be worth pointing out to your friend that your partner had known his friend for 4 times as long as he’s known you. Relationships come and go but friendships tend to last decades. Let’s be honest, if you’re relationship doesn’t work out, he’ll likely still he mates with this woman and friendship group.

oldswitcheroo · 11/05/2022 21:55

napalmbeth · 11/05/2022 20:23

It's a fair question: I don't know. We've talked in the past (my friend and I) about this "burlesque" thing and how we think its a bit phony.

I mentioned the evening we have planned as part of other things and I said, as an aside, oh she's the one who used to be a burlesque dancer.

It was more of a sidetrack to a discussion.

I suppose I do think the whole concept if a bit bullshit because its dressing stripping up in a way which makes it more arty. But that's not a judgement on her, its just the way the industry is set up. Equally if she had been a no frills Spearmint Rhino dancer I may have mentioned it as noteworthy because its something I disapprove of in the abstract but realise people who do it are individuals.

Show quote history

I'm fairness, I totally understand why this job would be mentioned, past or present. It is out of the ordinary, questionable and taboo.

But, I think it important to be careful with the information - I was fired from my first job when the wife of my 'mentor' found out - via gosip - that he'd met me in a strip club and subsequently hired me.

stevalnamechanger · 12/05/2022 00:20

Actually anyone who knows anything about feminism knows that there are very diverse schools of thought regarding any forms of sex work ... from "sex work empowers women" to "sex workers are victims"

Very interesting field of work .

Your friends sounds like an arsehole sorry

stevalnamechanger · 12/05/2022 00:20

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/05/2022 13:15

I think she's right on feminist grounds - prancing around in your undercrackers in the name of 'empowerment' isn't exactly a feminist act. However, neither are lots of things and I'm friends with lots of non-feminists.

That said, assuming that someone is out to shag someone else's husband is deeply unfeminist too, so your friend isn't exactly being consistent!

But you are also right in terms of this friendship - this woman is no threat to you just because at one point she skipped around on a stage with pasties on her nips. Even if she was a stripper in the way my old dad would use the term (which is as far from burlesque as you can get) she still wouldn't be any threat to you because none of those things mean she's a husband stealer, or that your husband is available to be stolen.

^

stevalnamechanger · 12/05/2022 00:22

GrumpyTerrier · 11/05/2022 21:34

Also I want to point out to those talking about 'strippers' like that defines their souls, even years after they stopped stripping---a stripper is stripper when she is at work. When not at work she is a myriad of things, just like everyone else. She watches TV, gets tired, worries about money, cooks dinner, gets stressed, laughs at silly things... just the same as anyone else. She's a whole person, not an immoral threat who is out to seduce all men, any men, your man!

Madonna and the whore complex at work I think

anony753399 · 12/05/2022 03:44

Your friend is insecure.

I used to be a stripper. If anuthing, it would make me less likely to steal someone's boyfriend.

It's a job not a characteristic. 🙄

MyOrdinaryStruggle · 12/05/2022 04:01

You friend sounds like she is projecting her insecurity onto your relationship. Don't second guess yourself. I hope you and Mr and friends have a great time. Also, sometimes friends can hate ad get a little jealous... 🙄

KittyWithoutAName · 13/05/2022 09:24

Which is fine for you, but OP's b/f's friend is not his ex.

But not "fine" in the sense of reasonable, btw.

I think it's reasonable.

I wasn't talking about OPs b/f's friend who isn't their ex. I was replying directly to someone.

KittyWithoutAName · 13/05/2022 09:25

But why? If a partner is going to lust after or shag someone else that’s just how they’re wired. The occupation (current or former) of the other person involved makes no odds really. Someone who takes off their clothes isn’t automatically more likely to sleep with someone who fancies them

You're relating it to the stripper when I wasn't talking about them. I was talking about staying friends with exes, in respinse to another Pp

madasawethen · 13/05/2022 18:05

It's not so much about being judged for it but more that I'm 60 and a grandma. I don't want people looking up old photos and news articles or asking me to do some moves.

I wouldn't mention other jobs I did years ago either as they seem irrelevant. Nobody cares if I worked fast food x years ago.

As far a telling people about someone else, it's not my place to share that info. If a friend wanted to they would, but not my place to say btw x friend used to strip.

madasawethen · 13/05/2022 18:19

And I despise the term sex worker.

I was a dancer, stripper, burlesque performer, not a sex worker.

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