I think friend is ridiculous, she thinks I'm a mug: who is right?

[napalmbeth]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has an old female friend who is an ex stripper/burlesque dancer. She's in a settled relationship with someone and hasn't done it for several years. My boyfriend and I don't live together but are in a stable, happy relationship and I trust him as he's never given me any reason not to. I have a child (not his child) if relevant.

He's known this woman for 15+ years and used to hang out with her/go clubbing with her way back when. He keeps in touch with her and others in her circle and we (together) have gone out with her and her partner maybe 3-4 times since we've been together. I get on well with this woman. To my nearly certain knowledge he hasn't met her once without my being there in the time we've been together.

We are going to visit this woman's home town soon and meeting various people we know who live there, including this friend, for a drink. Both of us and her and her partner.

I relayed this casually in conversation to a (female) friend of mine. She said I was being a "mug" and she wouldn't tolerate her partner hanging out with a former stripper. I said that was ridiculous, she said I was being childish and a "cool wife" and should have better boundaries and should put my foot down. I haven't done as I don't see any reason to and she's recently asked me what I play to do about it.

Am I being naïve? I think the fact of someone having historically been a stripper doesn't mean they are inherently more likely to cheat with my partner or he with her? My partner has a number of female friends who I trust and like, why should this woman be singled out on the basis of something she did for money years ago?

@Swayingpalmtrees I stayed in regular touch with two of my exes for years and met up despite living in different countries. There was nothing in it other than friendship.

@Swayingpalmtrees No I haven't asked him why he stays in touch with her, just as I haven't asked him why he stays in touch with any of his friends, male or female. And honestly I'd think it rude and intrusive if he asked me the same question about any of mine. You don't need a rationale to want to remain friends with people and your partner doesn't get to approve them.

I think the idea that the spouse or partner gets to police their OH's friend list is faintly sinister tbh. Also pointless really. If you try to block someone from seeing someone they want to see you're just going to make them resent you and want to do it more.

He used to see her 3x a year when they both lived in London, as part of a friendship group. She moved out of London shortly before the pandemic (in late 2019) and he's seen her once since (with me).

I mean maybe I am being staggeringly naive but nothing you've said has made me think twice about my previous conviction.

If someone - partner or anyone - had the gall to cross-examine me about why I stay in touch with my friends & to list the reasons I like them ("what do you get out of the friendship" sounds a bit venal, frankly), I would treat them with tremendous suspicion.

If they thought my meeting up with friends 3 times a year was "a lot" because we didn't live in the same city - I'd ditch them. Controlling, much @Swayingpalmtrees ?

You know him better than anyone, you also know your friend and the way she normally is.
Maybe she is having issues in her own marriage? She could be projecting.

If you are relaxed and happy with the set up you don't need to justify it to anyone. I would thank her for her concern and continue with your plans. You can't judge people for what they do/did for a living and if you like her and you have a good time together thats all that really matters.

BTW dh and I talk about our friendships openly, I don't see discussing friends as a big deal at all.

I stayed in regular touch with two of my exes for years and met up despite living in different countries. There was nothing in it other than friendship.

Which is fine for you, but I would break up with a partner for this.

Neither myself or my OH are the jealous type so I don't see anything wrong, like you.
Your friend has likely been scorned and seemingly has trust issues.
If you're both happy in a relationship then why worry, others will judge but you needn't worry.

Why did you need to "casually mention" your friend's former job?

If she used to be an admin assistant before you met her, would you even have brought it up?

Yup.

I’m very far from a cool wife - I probably am sometimes too far the other way actually due to past betrayals and abuse. However, the job of a female friend of my husbands would not factor into if I was upset/paranoid/rightly cautious/similar of their relationship. Their body language, language, intensity, frequency/type of communication and stuff like that would be how I’d gauge if I had an issue. My husband is no more likely to cheat on me with a friend who is/was a stripper than a female friend who is unemployed/a SAHM/a cashier/a lawyer/a doctor.

I wondered this too. Why did you even mention it if you are so fine with it? Feels incongruous to me. Either it is such a non even from her past that gives you no concern (so no need to mention it) or it's is something you judge her for or see as a juicy bit of gossip (then I could see why you mentioned it)

Why? Why do you need to discuss your friendships?

I don't agree with any of your posts, but no matter how mad an opinion is, people are entitled to have their own. But this comment perplexed me.

Your friend has issues. I’d be side eying her. Horrible narrow minded little woman, with a horrible narrow minded misogynistic view. Why would this woman want to shag any bloke who comes into her world, Inc her friends, just becayse she used to strip. And to not want to be near someone because they used to strip? Nauseating.

I’d laugh in her face and I would judge you for being friendly with anyone who thought that way about other women.

And I don’t know why you told her. Do you tell her the career history of everyone you meet? Or was this just a juicy bit of gossip you had to pass on?

Which is fine for you, but OP's b/f's friend is not his ex.

But not "fine" in the sense of reasonable, btw.

But why? If a partner is going to lust after or shag someone else that’s just how they’re wired. The occupation (current or former) of the other person involved makes no odds really. Someone who takes off their clothes isn’t automatically more likely to sleep with someone who fancies them.

Why did you need to "casually mention" your friend's former job?

that’s a good question. I’ve a friend who used to dance and I’ve definitely told other friends (different circles). It’s usually come up organically as part of another conversation but you’re right to imply it’s not really my information to share. But then I’ve also mentioned other friends occupations/situations if relevant (off the top of my head a couple of doctors, high level athletes, a couple of unusual parenting set ups) to people who don’t know them and also don’t have any need to know. I suppose it’s to add weight to second hand anecdotes usually.

It's a fair question: I don't know. We've talked in the past (my friend and I) about this "burlesque" thing and how we think its a bit phony.

I mentioned the evening we have planned as part of other things and I said, as an aside, oh she's the one who used to be a burlesque dancer.

It was more of a sidetrack to a discussion.

I suppose I do think the whole concept if a bit bullshit because its dressing stripping up in a way which makes it more arty. But that's not a judgement on her, its just the way the industry is set up. Equally if she had been a no frills Spearmint Rhino dancer I may have mentioned it as noteworthy because its something I disapprove of in the abstract but realise people who do it are individuals.

I talk about my friendships openly with my DP but I don't feel the need to rationalise them in the sense of "I'm friends with her because we went to university and I'm friends with him because we have a shared interest in wine". It's a bit clinical and demographic tickboxy and depressing if you only value friends if they have a specific quantifiable value.

You’re fine, she’s controlling

Can’t believe the people asking why they stay in touch? Why does anyone stay in touch with people? Because they’re your friends. Are you supposed to drop all your friends once you have a partner? This is utterly bonkers.

Exactly, I would even find it hard to say why I started being friends with some people and why we keep being friends. They’re just your mates surely? You just like them? It’s not really more complicated than that.

Your mates nuts. That was the girls job, it doesn’t define her or make her out to be some man hungry relationship meddling witch 😂

Tons of burlesque performers are pretty educated feminists, albeit usually of the 'choice feminism' milieu. Burlesque performing can mean anything from Dita Von Teese-style striptease to dressing up as a rubber chicken and doing the birdy dance. It can mean being a size 8 or a size 22. Your friend seems very uninformed and judgmental.

Even if the lass had been a proper stripper/lap dancer, why would that mean she was after your fella? Cos all strippers are skanks who can't keep it in their pants? Your friend sounds awful tbh and a bit jealous of the other girl.

Also I want to point out to those talking about 'strippers' like that defines their souls, even years after they stopped stripping---a stripper is stripper when she is at work. When not at work she is a myriad of things, just like everyone else. She watches TV, gets tired, worries about money, cooks dinner, gets stressed, laughs at silly things... just the same as anyone else. She's a whole person, not an immoral threat who is out to seduce all men, any men, your man!

Ridiculous.

I've loads of female friends. Some I've been more than friends with in the past, but time moves on and it's not happening again.

The thing is. If you like then why shouldn't they remain good mates?