Background, me (26F) and my boyfriend (32M) have been together for about 3 years. However, our relationship escalated quickly as we moved in together after only a few months & then COVID lockdown happened & we spent every waking minute together for a good year or so. Been through job changes, moves, etc. There are many positives to him & we get along great, but since this is an advice forum, perhaps the post may come across as negative. The only thing to note, is that generally he can be very judgmental & critical, even with gifts so that now special events like his birthday next week are stressful & psychologically taxing trying to think through every way he can interpret anything. He recognizes this is a character trait of his stemming from his upbringing & tries to keep it in check.
So, our relationship was going pretty great for the first 2 years. Then, my BF started talking about how he the best part was over because of the honeymoon phase & how the good parts only last 6 mo - 2yr. I feel like that's a bit of a defeatist attitude & self-fulfilling prophecy.... sure enough we've been having loads of problems in the last 6 months or so. Side note: he says attraction isn't the issue, I'm 122lbs & very fit with a nice body (without going into more details). I've never had complaints from any previous partners even in committed long-term relationships and/or men with similar "equipment".
The biggest two issues, which are especially large because we are planning to move across the country in 2 months, so it would be nice to resolve them before that level of commitment.
- My BF hasn't told me he loves me yet. He knows (or at least did know, but he's always forgetting things & insisting he never knew) that with a rough family background, I grew up never saying ILY or being told. The only 3 men to ever say it to me were drunk, in the midst of sex, took it back later, using me, or some combination. One time about a year ago, we were drinking and my current BF accidentally started to say it but cut himself off & I got upset and told him I wanted him to say it sober so I could know he meant it. He said he'd thought it often but just hadn't said it (and has his own issues from the opposite kind of family where ILY was said often but usually as a front/performance).... that was the last we spoke of it :( I don't know how to prompt him to say it or discuss this with him. I don't know how I can ever believe him saying he loves me if I tell him I want him to say it. He even brought up marriage at one point, but we hadn't even said that yet. Later he said he wouldn't marry me until I was at least 29 so my brain was developed enough to make that kind of commitment. (WTF???) Now he says he doesn't believe in marriage at all. I'm not obsessed with marriage, but it would be nice if the relationship were headed that direction at some point or if I could at least know he loves me. He says he cares & wants to be with me & isn't afraid to sign another lease or discuss buying a house, but has not mentioned the "L" word. Advice on how to broach the topic? Or thoughts on why he'd want to keep moving forward in a rather serious, committed relationship if he doesn't love me? This has been on my mind for more than a year now & has made me contemplate ending things.
- I love my BF. I love having sex with him, it isn't perfect but I enjoy it and find myself feeling satisfied almost always. My BF originally was enthused as well & very into the sex. His interest got lower with time (which he says is natural, especially for men... another self-fulfilling prophecy??) & he often acts annoyed with me coming onto him & says I want sex too often. The rejection hurts a good deal, especially when he ends things in the middle of "activities" because, for example, I didn't want to do it in the closet (he complained I lacked spontaneity) or if I pause to point out something like the fan being off or the cat getting into something (because clearly I'm distracted & not into the passionate moment like him). He occasionally voiced things he did not like, such as I clawed too much (I stopped clawing him) or I don't french kiss enough (so I intentionally do this a lot now) & he didn't want to do it with the lights off (which I like on occasion) because then he wouldn't be aroused, so we haven't done this in years. Which in my opinion, shows my ability to change.
He wants me to communicate openly, but if I even mention something I think could be different, he says we shouldn't do it all together (we've never done it in the shower & he refused doggy style for 2 years because I didn't like the tilted/high angle he likes to do it from). He was never very into handy things & for years basically won't let me put my hands on it at all. A few months ago after repeated fights & random conflicts, I got him to admit that there was an underlying issue & he confessed he was dissatisfied with the sex, mostly because it was boring/repetitive & not enough BJ's. He will exclusively be the dominant one, so I suggested we do more positions but he rarely initiates them, so I'm not sure how the boring/small set of regular positions is my fault or how to fix it. As for BJ's, I told him I was open to doing that more often if he were willing to help me initiate or ask me to do it (can be stressful for me from past traumas). He has not asked me to even once since then and I made sure to initiate this without prompting I think 4-5 times now. And has begun adding a new complaint almost every time we do it. I cum too fast, I cum too slow, jealous of me liking men in videos, sex should be more spontaneous, we should schedule it in advance to work with his routines, I'm allegedly a starfish, I move my hips too much, I don't do well on top, don't get wet fast enough/too much effort, sex shouldn't always want it hard & fast (but he thinks I'm not into if I'm not loud for slow/gentle sex), says he felt like he was raping me (when I was playfully resisting which has been a normal but irregular part of the dom/sub situation), etc.
He even has an issue with me doing actions that are "for him" in bed .... but also complains that I don't do enough to satisfy him & improve & says I'm a selfish lover & he's a giver. He is not delicate, tactful, or gentle with these complaints. A few weeks ago, he initiated sex but seemed off and I asked if he wanted to do it or was only doing it for me and he said "we might as well now because your period is coming up" then continued coming on to me. When I tried to reciprocate, he pushed my hands away, pulled away from my bodily kisses, and then in the midst of making out he cringed & flinched like he was disgusted & told me not to have my mouth so wide. I ended this half-assed attempt at sex & brought up how he makes so many complaints that I no longer feel comfortable.
Since then, it has been 3 weeks (WAYYY long for us) and he told me that he was fine giving me time & space to work through "my" issues but has since gotten mad at me for being upset & distant and says he is uncomfortable about my discomfort. I've tried talking with him at least 3 times to resolve this & each time he just tells me more about how bad I am at sex & how I'm doing it wrong (his exact words) & adds more insults/complaints to the list. He suggests that I'm insensitive & selfish because I'm not willing to change. I told him that that's too long of a list to change & that just because he likes something better, doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong. His proposed solution is that when I'm comfortable enough to have sex again, he teaches me how to have sex (-_- his words exactly) & that we watch porn & I imitate the porn stars & he gives feedback so I can improve. I don't know how to relax & ignore all the pressure he's putting on me & insults he given me knowing that there is so much he dislikes about me. He doesn't want to end things though but I don't get why. If I was sooo bad in his opinion, why didn't he end it before spending years with me??? :/ Now I'm invested and I love him and I want to have sex with him, but I find it difficult to feel desired & wanted when he is seeming to be impossible to please.
Do you believe this is the best solution? Have any better ideas? Do you think there's something more to the issue? Any tips on how to ignore all the judgement & get it out of my headspace? Is it worth the stress & effort to "improve" every single action when it feels like he's using me just for his pleasure & wants me to just be a piece of flesh that suits him perfectly?