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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Older man

164 replies

Wishingwell24 · 07/05/2022 20:45

Hi everyone
I could do with some help please. I’m 24 and have a huge crush on a 49 year old. We have exchanged messages but so far it’s not gone any further. He’s expressed that he would like it too though. I’ve never been with someone older than me before and I’m not really sure but I could do with some advice. Is this a bad idea? I feel so apprehensive and nervous about it all but at the same time I do want to see what happens. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:19

Hi everyone. This is a genuine thread! I know I shouldn’t have but I have ended up unblocking him. He has told me that he’s genuinely gutted that i said it can’t continue and he told me that his wife really hurt him. He found out that she had been sleeping around with random men and apparently used him for a cash cow to pay for everything. He said that I came along and perked him up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:20

He has also told me again that he could easily get sex elsewhere and that it’s more than sex he is after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:22

Not really sure what to think. I know myself it’s a terrible idea and will end up disaster though

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 08/05/2022 22:23

🙄

RiaOverTheRainbow · 08/05/2022 22:23

You know he's lying to you, right?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 08/05/2022 22:24

Hellobonjourhallo · 07/05/2022 21:34

When I was 16, I 'dated' a 32 year old man for a while, makes me feel sick looking back, creepy and obviously just a sex thing for him.
Had nothing in common and never would have gone anywhere.

Like most of the previous posters, I would say too old...

When I was 15 I went out with a 28 year old but I lied to him and said I was 19 and at university. He saw me in my school uniform and chucked me. I was gutted!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 08/05/2022 22:27

Wishingwell24 · 07/05/2022 22:41

I don’t even know what to say. I have just received a message from him. he said ‘I actually had the offer of meeting a very good looking lady local for sex after my lad had gone to bed but I have turned her down for you’

Well he is a prince, isn't he?

He is like a 15 year old. Block him and stop this. It is going nowhere, wasting your time and encouraging a weirdo to treat women like sex object. Don't enable him.

theonlygirl · 08/05/2022 22:28

Wishingwell24 · 07/05/2022 21:31

Thank you everyone. I should also add he has a teenage son too with an ex wife. He has also just split from his current wife

I was gonna say, if you fancy having a fling with him as a notch on your bed post for the experience why not, but then you posted this....49 and JUST split from 2nd wife and he's sending you sexually explicit messages. This is not a man you wany anything to do with.

5128gap · 08/05/2022 22:30

I find the thought of a 24 year old with a massive crush on a pervy 49 year old incredibly unlikely. I'd be very interested to hear exactly what it is about this man's appearance or personality you find so attractive?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 22:32

He said that I came along and perked him up a bit.

I bet you did. Attention from any 20 something would have perked him up.

This is a man who simultaneously infantilises and sexualises you by calling you weird baby names. Gross.

A man who seems hell bent on telling you how hard done by he's been by nasty women.

A man who is desperate to remind you he could get sex whenever he wanted on demand.

Stop wondering what this man's deal is and start wondering why on EARTH you are even entertaining someone like this.

Why did you unblock him? I don't ask that in a sarcy way, I'm genuinely asking. Is it that you were enjoying being pursued? Or that you think someone older must be more discerning or something?

Because as someone about a decade older than you, I can tell you this guy is a run of the mill, chancing his luck 40 something who would be excited to shag a 20 something and is speaking to you this way because he finds it naughty and exciting but doesn't really care who you are. You could be anyone as long as you're in your 20s, attractive and most importantly responsive to him.

Fuck him off. Block, move on.

No good can come of this. Not even just due to the age difference, more due to the way he clearly sees women.

Original poster
Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:34

@5128gap I honestly don’t really know. I just feel really drawn to him. I don’t know about ‘daddy issues’ but I never had a close relationship with my dad. I’ve been single for quite a while and I’ve only recently moved to the new area and I’ve been feeling quite lonely recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:40

He is telling me that if I give him a chance to see me that he will be a gentleman and not ‘pounce on me’

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 08/05/2022 22:48

He's saying everything he can to reel you in and get some ego boost sex. He sounds just awful, and worse with everything you type.

CambsAlways · 08/05/2022 22:51

I don’t wish to be nasty but you seem very naive for a woman of almost 25 years old, you are obviously enjoying this pervs texts! Either that or it’s not a genuine post! To block and then unblock is just plain weird!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 22:52

Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:40

He is telling me that if I give him a chance to see me that he will be a gentleman and not ‘pounce on me’

If a man has to reassure you he's not going to attack you... he isn't a good man.

Please OP you sound naive and vulnerable.

He sounds predatory and sex obsessed.

This can't end well.

Ellie56 · 08/05/2022 22:55

@Wishingwell24

This really won't end well. He is a unmitigated creep . Just block him and keep him blocked, then find someone your own age.

AMBE123 · 08/05/2022 23:08

OP I have a feeling that because you are 24 you are maybe seeing him as a mature older man who feels safe and less laddish than men your own age, and he is showing you interest.

As a 50+ year old woman I can tell you that a) he is likely to be having to take pills to get it up b) he is probably going to have hairy ears and back and snore. c) he is not mature, he is perverted (in all the wrong ways) and emotionally manipulative and wants to get his hands on young skin. d) the way he is talking to you is cringy and the way he is manipulating you is like grooming.

e) there will be a very good reason his wife has left him and it's almost certainly not the reason he told you.
If you have a crush on him have a nice time alone and get it out of your system if you must.

But please, do not go and see him.

He has figured out that you have time to spend texting him and thinks that if a 24 year old has that time for him they are isolated and alone, and he is playing on that. He is sleazy and just trying it on. If you see him once you will get more emotionally attached because of the oxytocin and next thing he will be manipulating you more. You deserve so much better. Please just tell him you don't want to continue talking, and block him.

quietnightmare · 08/05/2022 23:16

Your to naive and not mature enough for this situation, it embarrassing . Leave it alone OP your better than this. Find yourself a lovely man who's on the same era as you and how a lovely romance, not this mess

CockingASnook · 08/05/2022 23:18

I had a friend at university (so 20 or so) who dated a man in his sixties for a while. He was hugely charismatic and eminent in his field. It didn’t last and he turned out to be a bit too domineering but it wasn’t the worst life experience to have by all accounts. Definitely not a long-term option though.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 23:19

Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:40

He is telling me that if I give him a chance to see me that he will be a gentleman and not ‘pounce on me’

He’s not going to try and rape you? Well gosh. Every princess deserves a prince.

OP I’m afraid I can’t take this thread seriously. It’s just too fucking weird. You’ve supposedly never met this man, is that right ? And what he does that is supposedly catnip to you is send you messages that are either sexual or clumsily manipulative? That and some image you’ve supposedly seen that is supposedly of him are what you’re finding irresistible?

Im really hoping that you are making this all up for your own (not so) mysterious reasons, and that you are not indeed a vulnerable person.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 08/05/2022 23:22

Is this a person you know or someone met online?

Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 23:23

OP, you can't be this naive, surely? He's a creep who only wants sex.

ivegotthisyeah · 08/05/2022 23:35

How do you know him?

SillySallySassySausage · 08/05/2022 23:39

I have extensive experience of a large age gap relationship and if I could go back twenty years and talk myself out of it, I would. I mean, I know 18 year old me wouldn't listen but I wish I could at least try!
Move on and don't get attached.

MmeMeursault · 09/05/2022 00:25

Wishingwell24 · 08/05/2022 22:34

@5128gap I honestly don’t really know. I just feel really drawn to him. I don’t know about ‘daddy issues’ but I never had a close relationship with my dad. I’ve been single for quite a while and I’ve only recently moved to the new area and I’ve been feeling quite lonely recently.

Christ Op, read your own words:

  • you've not had a relationship for a while
  • you're single, lonely and in a new town with not many friends locally
  • you don't have a great relationship with your dad so you're leaping at this attention from an older man (ANY older man)
  • you have "feelings" for him but all he talks about is sex
  • you're stringing him along with blocking and unblocking
  • your closer in age to his son than to him
  • he's not once but twice divorced, and only recently split from his ex wife for reasons unknown
  • he said he 'won't rape you' if you meet up

You're also naïve and young and haven't had much dating experience. You asked for advice on what to do and you've been given it in spades for the last 24 hours but are ignoring it.

You're incredibly vulnerable to sexual predators right now and you're not taking any steps to protect yourself.

This man has identified you as a very easy sex target. All he wants is to get in your knickers. It's highly likely he's trying to get in various other women's knickers right now

Please please do yourself a favour and just block and keep blocked. Move on and find a new boyfriend. There's no way this can end well if you don't block and move on.