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Original poster

Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

276 replies

AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:41

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/05/2022 22:19

Just saw one of your posts, you own your own flat. Don't get married. I did and lost half my house in the divorce - long time ago now, stupidest thing I ever did. I have a new house now and no way I'm ever getting married and losing a penny to another man.
Why can't you just be happy living together?

DixonD · 08/05/2022 00:52

DancingintheDark17 · 07/05/2022 04:10

I second this. My son has his dads name, I agreed to this as I know from personal experiences with my dad, it means a lot to carry it through generations. We included my dad/brothers first name, his dads grandads second name (he had no boys to carry it in and was his dads middle name) then his dads surname. I was happy with this as he had links to both sides and I know those family members involved loved it, and are so appreciative that we included them. We were together and I hoped we would get married, however it didn't work out and now we're separated.
Knowing I will never have same second name as my son is a horrible feeling, mainly when talking about family etc, he's only 5 and gets confused about it.
Other that personal opinion it hasn't caused us any problems, nursery/doctors etc are very aware families are different now. I've also flew with him and no one questioned it, although I was super prepared. It's just your luck as I was stopped when flying with my single dad and two brothers, all same second name, but they took us aside as they expected kidnapping lol so choose a name that you want, x

Show quote history

You could change your surname to match your child?

CJsGoldfish · 08/05/2022 04:03

Do you really fail to grasp why a proposal is important to some women? I get that you don’t care for such frippery, but to some women, a proposal is a heartfelt declaration of how much a man wishes to spend his life with a woman, kids or no kids
When DH proposed to me, it was very, very special to me, it meant so much. Being ‘tied’ together via kids can be just that, a tie, but when a man proposes it’s because he WANTS to be tied to a woman, not because he just is due to biology

Yeah, I really don't 'get' it and it just seems so ridiculous. A 'proposal' from OPs partner is likely now, after 6 years, going to be him giving in and doing something to make OP happy. Words and gestures are nothing really if they still don't end up married. Surely anyone having a baby together has actually made that life long commitment. It's really just "we have a baby together but please tell me how much you really want to be with me" 😆
How can any woman see a 'proposal' as the high bar when it really is so very low. It's just a romantic concept built up and given importance it really doesn't have 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:35

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

On my insistence which he agreed to FYI.

Thanks for all your helpful advice everyone.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 08/05/2022 07:05

I don't know the legalities of a civil partnership but would still be giving my baby my surname and looking at ring fencing the money in the flat

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 07:08

I am glad it's getting sorted for you.

Good luck with your pregnancy and his mature speedy & meaningful proposal.

I love being married and to call him my husband and I love he calls me his wife (when we buy each other Christmas, Birthday & Valentine's cards😊). It always melts my heart & It's very special for us and means a lot for 17 years. We got married 1st, then planned a baby (Our son is 15). I wouldn't agree with it otherwise because I knew how important it was from the legal side.

Time2ChangeName · 08/05/2022 07:09

AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:56

It’s just a personal thing really. I’d like to know he really means it. I get it’s not for everyone but he knows it’s important to me and that’s part of what makes me feel so sad/bitter at times

What if he’s thinking the same? You’ll get nowhere. Tell him how you feel. On a side note I wouldn’t go double barrelled I’d just give the child my surname.

Sunnygirl1 · 08/05/2022 07:10

Marriage is 1st of all a commitment (hopefully lifelong) and legal responsibility.

Time2ChangeName · 08/05/2022 07:11

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

Just saw this!
Congratulations!!!

Vidax · 08/05/2022 07:28

AmelieBear · 07/05/2022 14:23

It is really scary how many people don’t realise how outdated this country is still in this respect.

Show quote history

The country is not outdated at all.

If you want legal protect you have every opportunity to get it. You don't blindly walk into having to give away half your house because you shacked up with someone.

Giraffesandbottoms · 08/05/2022 07:39

I think you understand here that you have chosen having a baby over marriage, which is completely fine but then you can’t really complain about the marriage part. All leverage is gone and if he hasn’t proposed by now I have to say I think it’s extremely bloody unlikely. You can (and should) talk to him and make it very clear you want to get married now, and see what he says. In my experience though he will say he doesn’t want to.

I have 2 short stories about this:

  1. a friend of mine did the same. Wanted a baby more, expected him to propose. He refused. They had 3 children and 12 years later he left. He just wasn’t into the marriage idea with HER and now he is engaged to someone else. Bizarrely he has happy to have children though.
  2. my DH. We had been together for 2 years and I was diagnosed with stage 4 endo and needed to get cracking. He proposed within 3 months and we were married in 9 months and pregnant a month after the wedding. He was only 26 but he knew what he wanted and no one had to convince him.
Giraffesandbottoms · 08/05/2022 07:42

sorry should have RTFT! Please make sure he has a brief window in which he does actually propose/ you do actually get married! Well done though it’s a step in the right direction

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 08/05/2022 07:48

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

Fab news, OP! Well done and congratulations!

HardyBuckette · 08/05/2022 08:02

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

Excellent plan!

Beefcurtains79 · 08/05/2022 08:02

Congrats!

Villagewaspbyke · 08/05/2022 08:10

I don’t see why you shouldn’t double barrell the child’s name, it is both your child. I think on mn some people see the child’s name as some sort of reward to the mother. No reason it shouldn’t have the mums name but no reason it shouldn’t have both either

Villagewaspbyke · 08/05/2022 08:13

Vidax · 08/05/2022 07:28

The country is not outdated at all.

If you want legal protect you have every opportunity to get it. You don't blindly walk into having to give away half your house because you shacked up with someone.

Show quote history

Giving away half your house couldn’t really be said to be a “protection” for the giver though!

elociN5 · 08/05/2022 08:25

MadMadMadamMim · 06/05/2022 22:49

In your shoes I wouldn't be wistfully waiting and hoping. I would tell him very clearly that the baby would be having my surname, and I would not be giving up work as we were not married and I had no legal protection. If you want to get married then tell him you don't expect to be having this baby as a single parent - set a date, have a small, quiet wedding, if that's what you want. The big day and the dream honeymoon are not going to happen. Marriage is about far more than one day.

For me it would be a deal breaker, to be honest. But only you can decide that.

Exactly that!

Original poster
AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 08:28

Villagewaspbyke · 08/05/2022 08:10

I don’t see why you shouldn’t double barrell the child’s name, it is both your child. I think on mn some people see the child’s name as some sort of reward to the mother. No reason it shouldn’t have the mums name but no reason it shouldn’t have both either

I couldn’t agree more. Every time I see someone saying that it doesn’t make sense to me. The issue is only that we are not married therefore we will not do the surname marriage tradition. The baby is still just as much mine as it is his. Him just not proposing to me doesn’t make him not the baby’s father. I also don’t feel a need to “punish” him for not proposing to me by injuring his (presumed) fragile male ego.

I feel sometimes people project their bad experiences with certain men onto others on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 08:31

Vidax · 08/05/2022 07:28

The country is not outdated at all.

If you want legal protect you have every opportunity to get it. You don't blindly walk into having to give away half your house because you shacked up with someone.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t really say living with someone for decades and sharing children with them (what I was specifically referring to) is “just shacking up with someone”. I’ve never been referring to moving in with someone for a year or 2

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/05/2022 08:46

So what is the difference to a civil partnership and a marriage to him? Most people who do the civil partnership thing is because they don’t like the tradition behind marriage (eg dad giving away,vows, husband and wife). So what does he see as different, it is still a commitment

Mama1980 · 08/05/2022 08:47

I'm genuinely interesting to hear what he feels the difference is between a civil partnership and marriage?

AntarcticTern · 08/05/2022 08:57

Brilliant update OP! Really pleased for you.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 09:07

toomuchlaundry · 08/05/2022 08:46

So what is the difference to a civil partnership and a marriage to him? Most people who do the civil partnership thing is because they don’t like the tradition behind marriage (eg dad giving away,vows, husband and wife). So what does he see as different, it is still a commitment

It’s literally just that he’s being a perfectionist about proposing and he is the worst procrastinator in all aspects of life. It really isn’t as some people have assumed on here, that he is not willing to commit. I think in some cases people have really projected their bad experiences here.

OP posts: