Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

[AmelieBear]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

OP, wouldn't it be wiser paying off the mortgage entirely by yourself, and have him contribute to a larger share of the bills?

OP you need to play the hand you've been dealt here, not the hand you wish you had.

He's not going to do the whole romantic proposal thing.
You're pregnant.
You want to be married.

So you either continue doing nothing, sit around and wait for the romantic proposal that may not come.
Or you accept that won't happen, feel sad but then pull yourself together and get on with making the rest of it happen.

It's a very small thing you're creating as a barrier for getting on with the rest of your life here, IMO.

OP you need to play the hand you've been dealt here, not the hand you wish you had.

This is a good way of putting it.

Can't you have a conversation? A new one. Today.

Being married is really important to me. Do you agree we should get married? Great. Can you go and buy a ring in the next week? You can surprise me with it, or just show me - it's up to you. I know we could wait until after the baby but I'm worried it will get put off, so let's get engaged now and figure out a date.

I’m glad he is planning to assume all costs while you are on ML. The situation is sounding more nuanced than what you first presented.

However given that you do want to be married, which is the sensible way forward for you and your DC, you need to prioritise the two of you until the marriage happens. Giving baby your name is part of that. Defining a way forward that preserves your self respect is another.

Given your values, I would be discussing that I needed to be married before the baby was born and I would be prepared to skip the fancy wedding, (but I would want a nice ring!). If it became clear that wasn’t going to happen even though it was very important to me I would be leaving, because I would dry up looking at someone who could lead me on for so long. In fact I did, before meeting DH.

He just always says he will do* it one day and wants to do* it properly

Can he describe what 'properly' means?

Because generally, they claim it means either when finances are secure (already the case for him) or doing it 'romantically' (but the most romantic thing he could do is do something he knows you desperately want which is to just ask you to marry him and get on with it).

So I would say to him 'what do you mean by doing it properly? I don't want a flashy proposal, I don't want an expensive one, I just want to know that you do in fact want to marry me and spend our lives together.'

He'll spout some bullshit then about how he was going to do it soon but you've ruined it or get nasty and say this is why he hasn't asked, because you're always on at him etc.

But it's all bullshit, it's all delaying tactics and for what?! He has a lifelong commitment to you now as you will share a child. So as harsh as this sounds, he must really not want to marry you because it can't be a commitment issue in the traditional sense.

He's wasting your time and you're wasting your own time too.

He doesn't want it enough to have asked. He doesn't love you enough to have asked - it's not like he doesn't believe in marriage, he claims he does want it so it makes no sense to keep delaying.

Please don't passively wait forever for something that he'll at best do begrudgingly after loads of arguments and ultimatums.

If he's been paying half your mortgage he might be able to establish a claim on your property anyway.

Some men just aren't into their partners enough to marry them. They see marriage as a bigger commitment than children (as is the case legally). I have seen this in male friends. There seems to be a difference between "love of my life, can't wait to marry you" and "good enough for now and to have a child with". They can still parent the child if they want to leave the relationship so no loss there but equally, if they fully want to walk away and never see their child again they can do that too.

But it's all bullshit, it's all delaying tactics and for what?! He has a lifelong commitment to you now as you will share a child. So as harsh as this sounds, he must really not want to marry you because it can't be a commitment issue in the traditional sense.

This is often said on MN and is doubtless often true but by no means always.

I took over 6 years to propose to DW. I think she'd pretty much given up. It was a combination of me being a bit commitment phobic, not really being fussed about marriage until ready for kids and her never saying it mattered (it really did). If she'd pushed earlier I would have agreed, I just didn't realise how she felt.

But once I was ready I did the whole shebang: Paris proposal and big wedding. We had a fab wedding, have been married 15 years and she is the love of my life. It's only when planning the wedding that I realised how important it was to her.

OP, you don't have the time we had to mess around. As a PP said, in many ways the ability to talk and plan honestly much more important than the piece of paper.

❤️

Thank you ❤️ It’s a very much wished for baby ❤️

I agree, it’s exactly what I don’t want to do but many have suggested it. He knows I want it, so I said ok propose then. I want to know he equally wants it, not that I have forced him

So when we first moved in together I rented my place out and loaves with him in his rented place to test the water (better location), when we did that all outgoings were split based on earnings. When he moved in with me I was conscious he would be paying my mortgage (which I could easily afford alone) so I decided 50/50
was fairer. He’s paying half my mortgage and bills and has no legal claim on my property

But couldn’t he feel the same - that he is forcing it on you? You have discussed it so just go out and book it together.

I think it’s more that we have talked about it a fair bit but I have never pressured him. A wedding itself has never been a goal for me like it is for some so that added to me not putting pressure on him, but I have wanted to get married. Being pregnant is adding to the anxiety

He knows I want it, so I said ok propose then. I want to know he equally wants it, not that I have forced him

So if he says "I'll do it one day" why not just say to him "I've realised it's actually really important to me that we don't keep up waiting, so I want you to know that in case you thought I was happy waiting for a 'perfect' time or OTT proposal. I love you and want to be married and I think you feel the same so waiting to propose seems silly especially as we have little one on the way."

If he still puts it off then he just doesn't want to get married to you IMO. But let him know your genuine feelings on it in case he really doesn't realise how you feel.

Though I suspect he does.

I get that and I’m definitely not after a big wedding of any sort, I agree they are faff. Unfortunately the laws of this country try aren’t quite up to step with the more liberal idea of having kids and not getting married and you have less security. Eg. You do not have the same rights if you are the parent of a child of someone who dies as you do
if you are married, even if you live together. You are not entitled to widows benefit, you are not their “next of kin” and often not entitled to life insurance unless they have specifically overridden it. It is less secure

It is really scary how many people don’t realise how outdated this country is still in this respect.

It was different when we lived in a rented place but when he moved into
my flat and paid my mortgage I could easily afford alone on my small salary, I decided it was fairer for him to pay half

No one should be proposing to anyone. A proposal is when you ask someone if they will marry you. You have already told him you will marry him. You have both agreed to marry so you are effectively already engaged. All you need to do is set a date.

Have a conversation with him and tell him you are thinking of getting married on x date, what are his thoughts. I suspect he will back pedal frantically and then you will know that he will never marry you. That will hopefully give you closure on this subject and you can decide whether to continue the relationship or end it.

I have never thought of this, but maybe. You may have a point. Why would you say so?

I think you’ve really got/understood my OH there tbh. It sounds similar to you. But yes you’re right about time, we were around 30 when we met, and time has ticked away. I couldn’t keep putting the baby off tbh but I did think he would have got his act together while we were TTC and never did.

i know he does love me, I just think maybe I haven’t put enough pressure on him, because I felt I shouldn’t, and he has felt there is no rush.

@WallaceinAnderland is right.

You shouldn't have to pressure anyone to marry you. It's either a wholehearted yes or it's a no.

Tell him you want to set a date for the marriage he claims he wants. Any excuses whatsoever from him and you have your answer.

I also strongly suspect that he will shit himself and start making up reasons for why you can't marry right now. Please don't propose to him. Just don't.

Do you really fail to grasp why a proposal is important to some women? I get that you don’t care for such frippery, but to some women, a proposal is a heartfelt declaration of how much a man wishes to spend his life with a woman, kids or no kids.

When DH proposed to me, it was very, very special to me, it meant so much. Being ‘tied’ together via kids can be just that, a tie, but when a man proposes it’s because he WANTS to be tied to a woman, not because he just is due to biology.

Dh and I had been together for over 10 years and had 2 kids when we got married. I was not bothered about getting married but always told dh I would want to one day He surprised me one day with a lovely proposal he'd even asked my Dad (I know a lot of MN don't agree with that but my Dad was old school and he was happy and quite touched when dh did it)
Our kids had his surname from birth I seem to remember a couple of times where it was a minor issue. I took his surname when we married as it was nice for all of us to have the same name.
I wouldn't worry about having a child free honeymoon we took ours much to the surprise of some people. It still stands as the best holiday we ever had. Alternatively you could wait a while and leave him/her with a trusted babysitter.
I think you have to have a conversation with your partner. You don't have to propose but you can make it very clear that this is something you want.

Suggest you get a civil partnership before the baby is born. That won’t take anything away from a traditional wedding, but will protect you.
If he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want you to have any protection.