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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
Felix0204 · 05/05/2022 19:22

Ew please dump him just the thought of having a 2 day rule would make my fanny shrivel up. He sounds like a petulant entitled manchild.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 05/05/2022 20:46

Am I reading your posts right that you actually keep a spreadsheet of when you have sex in order to tell him how often you do it when he starts whining?

totallyoutnumbered · 05/05/2022 22:18

You've referred to him as "usually he's amazing" I'm really interested to know what makes him usually amazing OP?

BOOTS52 · 05/05/2022 23:01

He is totally in the wrong and he knew what he was doing stressing you out the night before and did it on purpose. As for that 2 day rule that is batshit crazy. That is such pressure and a turn off to be honest. He sounds like a narcissist control freak and you seem to have loads of sex and there should be no pressure or ticking off of dates on calendar as that is so unsexy. Hope you are ok and he is in the wrong and should admit it. How are things in other parts of your relationship? Is it all so controlled as the sex thing.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 09:38

Ok I need some sense slapped into me.

He's just let me know that he's not going to the gym tonight, this is absolutely unheard of, he had Monday off and he NEVER has two days off in a week., he rarely even has one day off.

So now I am feeling sick, we haven't had sex since Sunday, he's skipping the gym which is out of character for him, it's Friday night .... so my mind automatically jumps to he is going to be sleeping with someone else.

Logically I think this is what he wants me to think and I am playing into his hands but it is still so hard to come down from the ceiling.

I am sure you lot will tell me good riddance or some other logical things - hence me posting. I don't want to text him back and argue about it and end up being the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 09:47

BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 09:38

Ok I need some sense slapped into me.

He's just let me know that he's not going to the gym tonight, this is absolutely unheard of, he had Monday off and he NEVER has two days off in a week., he rarely even has one day off.

So now I am feeling sick, we haven't had sex since Sunday, he's skipping the gym which is out of character for him, it's Friday night .... so my mind automatically jumps to he is going to be sleeping with someone else.

Logically I think this is what he wants me to think and I am playing into his hands but it is still so hard to come down from the ceiling.

I am sure you lot will tell me good riddance or some other logical things - hence me posting. I don't want to text him back and argue about it and end up being the one in the wrong.

Why does not going to the gym have a correlation with him cheating?

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 09:48

Oh OP taking all the rest aside - is he really worth all of this. Is he worth the spreadsheets, the mind games etc because this isnt how relationships are suppose to work.

He cant support you and now you have dared to push back he is punishing you - and you know that he will make you in the wrong - nothing on him at all.

Put yourself first - he is not worth this

AlisonDonut · 06/05/2022 09:49

Ok I need some sense slapped into me.

Are you living with a sex-mad neanderthal or something?

Yes you do need to get your head together and realise that you are in a relationship where you are counting how many times you have had sex to appease your partner. This is not a good way to live.

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 09:50

Also if a man cannot cope a week without having sex he has some serious issues - if you think that 5 days without is going to make him find someone else then you are constantly going to be having sex simply to keep him - and that is going to eat you up OP and slowly chip away at you

AnyFucker · 06/05/2022 09:52

Are you even reading all these unanimous replies ???

Original poster
BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 09:54

@Lovechildp because he never ever skips the gym so it is out of character. He lives for the gym, it's his relaxing space he spends hours there every day.

He does have form for cheating, not with me but every other relationship he has had. So i think it's only a matter of time although he swears blind its different with me.

Gosh I need some kind of distraction, this way of thinking is unhealthy!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2022 09:54

I'm sure you're right and he is trying to mess with your mind. But that's just further proof that the real him is NOT a good guy. You are being punished for daring not to service him.

I know this is all really hard but the best thing you can do is end this relationship. None of this is healthy for you and you said you have lots of medical treatment coming up, you will be vulnerable and need support, not abuse.

Don't reply to him. Let him play his games, you focus on yourself and working through all your feelings.

dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2022 09:56

Of course he told you he's cheated with everyone else. That will put the fear in you and keep you in line, won't it.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 09:58

@AnyFucker I am reading and it's very helpful and I am taking it all in. It's actual real life though, it takes time to get your head round some things and realise whats what. I don't think anyone has ever read a reply on a forum and thought, ok they are right and immediately out into place the advice given and turned off all feelings.

I am finding it massively helpful though to see so many people agree that the way our sex life is set up is not healthy, it really is making me start to see sense and evaluate things a bit more.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 06/05/2022 09:59

He sounds revolting - dump and raise your standards, OP.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 09:59

BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 09:54

@Lovechildp because he never ever skips the gym so it is out of character. He lives for the gym, it's his relaxing space he spends hours there every day.

He does have form for cheating, not with me but every other relationship he has had. So i think it's only a matter of time although he swears blind its different with me.

Gosh I need some kind of distraction, this way of thinking is unhealthy!

He is trying to mess with your head because he knows you will think like this.

I would not have jumped to this conclusion as I am not in your situation.

@BounceQueen I am so sorry this is happening to you. He is a horrible man.

timeisnotaline · 06/05/2022 10:00

He does have form for cheating, not with me but every other relationship he has had.
🤔ok then. Im trying not to have a go here but what makes you think he is a different man with you? Do you still trust him to be a different man with you if he ever has to go more than a day without sex? A whole day.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:01

dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2022 09:54

I'm sure you're right and he is trying to mess with your mind. But that's just further proof that the real him is NOT a good guy. You are being punished for daring not to service him.

I know this is all really hard but the best thing you can do is end this relationship. None of this is healthy for you and you said you have lots of medical treatment coming up, you will be vulnerable and need support, not abuse.

Don't reply to him. Let him play his games, you focus on yourself and working through all your feelings.

Excatly. Let him run on. @BounceQueen ‘Not my circus, not my monkies’ should be your motto for this clown.

Purpleavocado · 06/05/2022 10:01

I'm not normally one of the people on here who says to leave their partner at the drop of a hat, as most things can be worked on. But in this case, he sounds like a complete twat, sorry. I can't help but think you'd be better off without him.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:04

timeisnotaline · 06/05/2022 10:00

He does have form for cheating, not with me but every other relationship he has had.
🤔ok then. Im trying not to have a go here but what makes you think he is a different man with you? Do you still trust him to be a different man with you if he ever has to go more than a day without sex? A whole day.

He really is such a loser.

do you honestly think a man of this calibre will see yours (or any womans) vagina as so golden that he will change his ways. He sees woman as objects to service him. He is already having you bend yourself into a pretzel to prove your worth. You have a spread sheet to prove how many times you have sex with him - such is his ability to have you around his little finger.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 10:06

I am not sure the kids would forgive me for dumping him, they adore him and not like I can say well unfortunately he is sexually dysfunctional. My teens do not need to know about my sex life!

I can't believe I am even considering it, we were so happy up till Tuesday and now its like everything has changed!

OP posts:
Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:07

BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 10:06

I am not sure the kids would forgive me for dumping him, they adore him and not like I can say well unfortunately he is sexually dysfunctional. My teens do not need to know about my sex life!

I can't believe I am even considering it, we were so happy up till Tuesday and now its like everything has changed!

Of course he puts on a front for the kids - so that you will come out with stuff like this.

This guy is text book.

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 10:10

BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 10:06

I am not sure the kids would forgive me for dumping him, they adore him and not like I can say well unfortunately he is sexually dysfunctional. My teens do not need to know about my sex life!

I can't believe I am even considering it, we were so happy up till Tuesday and now its like everything has changed!

They are however old enough to now that sometimes relationships breakdown and that there is a point where it becomes clear that walking away makes sense for both parties.

You dont need to allocate blame - you do need to teach them good relationship boundaries and when to walk away.

Because they are going to start seeing the effects of this if you stay - and that is teaching them to hold on even if it starts causing you stress and anxiety rather than a clean break

Whether he is going to sleep with someone because he cancelled the gym, whether he is trying to play you or that he is simply not wanting to go because it has upset him. It doesnt matter - your mind went there and that is telling you that the right thing to do now for you and for your children is to walk away.

Model healthy behaviour to them - and learning when to walk away is the right thing

RandomMess · 06/05/2022 10:12

I would just message him and be direct and say it how it is.

Well if you are cancelling the gym to go out and have sex elsewhere or give that impression I'm very disappointed in you, thought you had more self respect than to stoop that low. Your attitude to sex with me is unhealthy. I hoped you loved me enough to discuss like adults and see if we can resolve things but if you can't then let me know so we can things.

Flowers
Original poster
BounceQueen · 06/05/2022 10:13

Oh that makes a lot of sense modelling healthy behaviors for the kids. They got over me and their dad separating so I am sure they will get over this.

OP posts:
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