Losing my mind - Sex row

[BounceQueen]

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

& except when your focus is on yourself (medical appointment nerves), & not him, so he punishes you for not pandering to him ahead of yourself.

Except when he is making you feel you are losing your mind.

Except when he calls you "ridiculous" for having valid feelings about his coercion.

Except when he is flouncing off for days, to teach you a lesson about always being in the wrong to his right.

Except when he is manipulating you with worrying texts.

I genuinely believe in the kindness of strangers OP. I'm sorry if my post came across all wrong. It wouldn't face to face. I went to bed thinking about you and after the school run your thread is the first I checked. I hope you have support around you. Even if you only talk to one trusted person, you'll feel less alone. I hope that over the weekend and after rereading your thread you can start to gain some clarity. My clarity used to hit me in waves, sometimes subtly and sometimes like a punch in the throat. We all know that you deserve better than this. Please keep posting even though it's difficult x

I went to bed thinking of her too. Trust there are strangers who have you in their thoughts.

💐

Just adding to the numbers of PP's confirming this is not ok.

I had a partner where I initially would give him sex at least every other day or I felt like I was being crap.

He turned out to be sexually coercive in a lot of ways, including rape eventually- while I was drunk/asleep. Or he would say 'I'll only be five minutes.'

I don't think it's good for someone's well being to be having sex when they don't want it (which is what he's explicitly said you should do @BounceQueen .) All this (please don't believe him rewriting history- it was about sex) when you had a stressful appointment the next day.

He's awful, and he's not a 'sex addict.' He's a sex pest with sexual entitlement.

Honestly. It would have possibly saved me so much heartache. I'm a totally different person on the other side. I rarely feel sorry for myself ( I made choices and terrible ones whilst being gaslighted). Some posts can be quite triggering at times but I simply hate the thought of others going through the same. There are so many lovely people in the world and some utter c**ts too. I bang on to my kids so much about healthy relationships. I'm sure they'll
make their own mistakes but if I'd had the support I'd have seen the signs and got out much earlier x

I get it, @totallyoutnumbered - as do so many PP here, evidenced by how many of us went to bed thinking of Bounce last night ...

This amazing sentence - "clarity hit me, sometimes subtly & sometimes like a punch in the throat" was speaking for all of us, I reckon.

Bounce - it will not be possible for you to obtain that clarity while this man is still in your life controlling you within a relationship - or, as presently, from afar with goady text messages.

I wish I'd been able to see the signs way, way before I even grew up, let alone got into relationships. But that was in pre-historic times, when our psych & behavioural knowledge was still coming together on stuff like dealing with personality disordered individuals, handling domestic abuse etc.

It might have prevented me from accidentally marrying my mother ... (my spouse was male - how could I have possibly known?! )

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times.

Fuck me, there's sex workers who have less sex than that.

The steroid use might be a factor.... my partner lived with an ex's family, including including brother ... who he says could be heard energetically shagging his gf at all hours of the day and night from everywhere in the house, regardless of the presence of his parents etc.

He was a gym bunny, body builder, steroid user.

Steroids have lots of other negative effects too.

Its not an excuse

Interesting you're under pressure/stress and need a bit of tolerance & support, while his focus is his dick (as usual by the sounds of it).

Very selfish. Cruel eouldbt be too strong a word

You have clearly not understood the just of my post, at all.

I'd have thought "other negative effects too" would have been clear enough

Even if he were to stop steroids, he's still selfish, irresponsible, and coercive.

Wow. Was this your idea ?

The 2 day rule and the spreadsheet demonstrate how fucked up this relationship is.

Or rather how fucked up he's made it

And he's got a history of consistent cheating in every relationship... but it's different this time.. if you tow the line, right

He's got you thinking if you don't have sex on his steroid fuelled schedule he'll cheat like he did in all the previous partners.

This is not a healthy relationship he's created, it's fucked up. He's fucked up.

OP.

This is how bad this is.

In years to come MN threads will say 'do you remember this poster' and someone will say 'what about the woman who kept a spreadsheet of sex, her partner wanted it every other night so she would keep track to prove that she could avoid sex once every now and then'.

And we will all say 'yes, I do wonder what happened to her'.

I read back and sorry, I know. I get the jist now. I think I am just so angry and triggered by everything I am reading here that I am like a red rag to a bull with this thread. Any sniff of any justification for this man needs to be shut down immediately.

I hope and pray that none of us would ever match with this creature on a dating app

I agree - I am so triggered. As PP said I was thinking about OP this morning.

All they need to know is that you're not happy and he isn't even trying to make you happy and that's not how relationships should be

And now you've mentioned the steroid use, no wonder he 'needs' so much sex.

Revolting

Look up the definition for narcissist.....you will find your partners name in bold under examples of one.

@BounceQueen so him missing the gym either means that he's planning to cheat on you, or it means he's messing with your head. Both alternatives are shit.

It's OK, I thinkmi wasn't clear enough in the point I was making.

(Now that I read it back)