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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP??

339 replies

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:18

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:05

Why can’t you phone him to arrange something?

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:06

It's his birthday on the weekend too, and i was so excited :( .. I've already got his presents and card ready.i will text him on his birthday but no guarantees he will read that text that day.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:07

Why can’t you phone him to arrange something?

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:07

Sorry I don’t know why that posted twice

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 21:11

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:03

I don't know. I need to talk to him clearly, but the problem is I have no idea when that will be as I have no idea when I will see him next...

Why do you have to wait for him to pop up in order to start a conversation?

If you're dating someone for months, having unprotected sex with them and say you're falling in love with him... it's madness you can't just call or message him to say you fancy a chat.

You know full well this man isn't into you in the way you are into him. That's why you're allowing him to treat you like something he can pick up and put down at will.

You need to value yourself more than this in order to find someone you can have a healthy relationship with.

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:30

I do message him first, I don't wait for him to message me. The problem is it can be days before he opens the message. So for instance I messages him 6 days ago but it still hasn't hasn't opened... hence why I was saying i don't know when I will be able to speak to him as it relies on him opening my messages..

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:32

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:30

I do message him first, I don't wait for him to message me. The problem is it can be days before he opens the message. So for instance I messages him 6 days ago but it still hasn't hasn't opened... hence why I was saying i don't know when I will be able to speak to him as it relies on him opening my messages..

Maybe if I try just one more time…
why can’t you phone him? Will he just ignore your call?

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:32

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:05

Why can’t you phone him to arrange something?

Because he doesn't answer the phone when I call if he's busy, nor does he open his messages for days if he's busy. Hence why I can't arrange to see him to chat until he opens my WhatsApp messages:( xx

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 21:33

Good grief OP.

This surely can't be someone you think is interested in a mutually loving, long term, happy, healthy relationship with you?

You're literally just wasting months on end on someone who isn't arsed!

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:33

cross post.

So you think he’s genuinely busy every time you call? He doesn’t ever phone you back?

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 21:36

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:30

I do message him first, I don't wait for him to message me. The problem is it can be days before he opens the message. So for instance I messages him 6 days ago but it still hasn't hasn't opened... hence why I was saying i don't know when I will be able to speak to him as it relies on him opening my messages..

And you think this is someone who wants a thriving, long term, romantic relationship with you?

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:37

What are the chances he’s busy on a random Thursday at 937pm? Call him now. See if he answers or calls you back.

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:42

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:33

cross post.

So you think he’s genuinely busy every time you call? He doesn’t ever phone you back?

We tend to communicate via text more than phone call... but texts often take a few days to be opened and responded to. I rung him a few times a fortnight ago but he didnt answer nor ring back. Texts he does respond to (eventually)

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:44

So two weeks ago you left a few missed calls on his phone and he didn’t bother getting in contact?

You think that’s ok?

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:45

The really frustrating thing is I clearly need to have a proper conversation with him about all of this , but I just know it will be literally days until that happens and I have thr opportunity to speak to him. 🙄 (and I will drive myself mad worrying and overthinking in the meantime ). It's rubbish. But until he messages me back I can't arrange this chat with him.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:47

Yet you won’t even bother to try to phone him
Leave him a message saying you have something important to discuss with him anc you need him to ring you back. If you haven’t heard from him within whatever deadline you give him, you should just move on.

ChloeHel · 05/05/2022 21:47

So you ring him, he doesn’t answer or ring back. Again red flags all over this. I can’t comprehend how you can’t comprehend this….he’s not interested! He is using you. Think about how stupid this all sounds…why would a guy who has full use of a phone not use it to contact someone he apparently “likes”. Come on it’s utter nonsense. You see a missed phone call, generally people ring back or text to say everything ok? I mean imagine if you were ringing because of an emergency? This is not ok and will only end one way.

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:50

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:44

So two weeks ago you left a few missed calls on his phone and he didn’t bother getting in contact?

You think that’s ok?

I don't think its ok, I was disappointed about it and was hoping he'd ring back. But I wasn't surprised because I know he goes MIA like this.
I don't feel I have the right to demand he rings me back either because I dont want him to think I'm crazy and a psycho. (If we were in a relationship I'd demand it, but I feel because we are in this grey area of less than a relationship but still dating I have less rights to ask for stuff if hat makes sense)

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 21:50

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 21:45

The really frustrating thing is I clearly need to have a proper conversation with him about all of this , but I just know it will be literally days until that happens and I have thr opportunity to speak to him. 🙄 (and I will drive myself mad worrying and overthinking in the meantime ). It's rubbish. But until he messages me back I can't arrange this chat with him.

Why not just leave him be. Get on with your own life. What do you get up to in your own life?

Let him know you want a chat about where the relationship is going, before you have any more intimate relations, and then leave it with him to set the date. Give him some responsibility for the forward movement of your relationship. It has to be a 2 person game, right?

PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2022 21:51

It’s not psycho to expect someone you’re exclusively dating to phone you back.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 21:52

I don't feel I have the right to demand he rings me back either because I dont want him to think I'm crazy and a psycho

Tell us what you do feel you have a right to, in this relationship? Not your feelings, obviously. And not your needs. And not your wants. So, what do you feel you have a right to? Attention when he wants it, and sex when he's in the mood. Is that about right?

Isthisit22 · 05/05/2022 21:56

This is painful to read!
You need to work on your self worth. You deserve so much better than waiting round for weeks at a time for a man to even bother himself to reply to your message.

Ragruggers · 05/05/2022 21:58

I think you need to accept that he is not sincere ,he is not interested in you.Yes that will hurt but waiting for him to contact you is not helping your mental health.It is impossible that he is always busy and has no time to contact you .The plain truth is he is not interested.You must stop torturing yourself this affair is not going anywhere.Draw a line underneath it and try and move on.Be sad but move on.Take care you deserve better.

Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 22:01

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 21:52

I don't feel I have the right to demand he rings me back either because I dont want him to think I'm crazy and a psycho

Tell us what you do feel you have a right to, in this relationship? Not your feelings, obviously. And not your needs. And not your wants. So, what do you feel you have a right to? Attention when he wants it, and sex when he's in the mood. Is that about right?

I've never thought about it. I guess because he told me he is only dating me and only sleeping with me that those are the only things I have the right to expect. Given he assured me of those two things I feel like I have the right to expect him to adhere to that and fulfil his promises. . But other than that I don't feel I have any other rights to demand things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 05/05/2022 22:03

Isthisit22 · 05/05/2022 21:56

This is painful to read!
You need to work on your self worth. You deserve so much better than waiting round for weeks at a time for a man to even bother himself to reply to your message.

I've never even considered if I have low self worth or the like. Does it sound like I do? I don't want to be dramatic.

OP posts: