Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

Phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check.
Then block him on every possible method.
Do NOT contact him for anything at all.
And don't get dragged back in

How awful, I'm so sorry for you. My ex threatened suicide twice when I was leaving him, I also didn't believe him. He's alive and well 15 years on. It's a terrible thing to do. Honestly, I ignored him, the second time, when he called my response cold I told him that if he threatened suicide again I would tell his boss (this was appropriate enough given his relationship with his boss and the nature of his work). He also left home on two occassions with the intention of making me worry, I also ignored that. There's actual suicide in my family, is behaviour was appalling any way, but given that context it just angered me and strengthened my resolve. If your ex does kill himself it will have nothing to do with you, go grey with him for your sake and your daughter's.

I’m sorry but what a fucking idiot. Call the police and tell them what he’s done but also make it clear that you’re concerned for yours and your child’s safety because of his erratic and precious stalking behaviour. Then block him on everything, he’s not your problem any more.

Do exactly this, your instincts are likely right and he’s fine but it’s the responsible thing to do. Let someone else check if he’s ok, and don’t get dragged in. Your daughter needs you to stay well away.

Previous not precious 🙄

Anytime he does this call the police for a welfare check.

I would block him on everything, but he may still find a way to get in touch. Tell him to leave you alone and not to contact him.

Then go to the police if he continues

Phone the police, block on everything and seek some support from a domestic abuse service when you can. Never interact with him again.

Call the police (101 is OK) and explain about the message and the history. Do not check on him yourself. If he is faking it they will generally have something to say to him.

What a horrible horrible thing to do.

Police welfare check and also make a note of everything that has happened, dates and times. Tell them about his behaviour.

You absolutely must block him on everything. Change your phone number if you have to. He is dangerous to you and your daughter.

Well, in a way I think he’s done you a favour, because he’s shown you just how unhealthy this relationship is, and now you’ll (hopefully) stop allowing him to worm his way back in. Don’t let him manipulate you any more, for your daughter’s sake if not your own.

Phone the police and report what happened - they’ll do a welfare check and follow up.

I’d send him a text saying ‘Don’t ever contact me again - if you do so I’ll be reporting you to the police for harassment” - screenshot the sent message, then block him on everything and log any instances of further contact.

The worry must be awful. So yes, welfare check by the police.

Then, it's up to you to maintain no contact. If he wants to play tennis with you but you lay your racket down and don't hit any balls back, it will end.

If he comes round, don't answer the door. If he sits outside, ring 999.

Resolute, from now on, no responses and use the professionals, for his sake as well as your own x

Block him. Who’d needs this grief?

Is he your dds father?

Suicidal threats are a form of abuse and control. I had an ex that threatened to do this, i told him to go ahead, he threatened to take me with him. I think you owe it to your child to get this man out of your life.

Fucking hell.

As above, ring the police. And if on the off chance he has killed himself, please know that it wasn’t your fault. Also, some people use suicide as a means of control, even to the extent they follow through.

He’s a sick bastard. Block him on everything, and i would go so far as to tell him you don’t care what he does, any decisions he make re his and his alone.

Then block the fucker and never look back.

I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

op, this man has been in her life for “several years” so most of her life

i would not let someone like this be within 10 miles of my children
and yet you have allowed him in very close proximity to her
unacceptable
Completely cut him
and if he does commit suicide then well, not your problem

Police welfare check and ask them to not use your name.

Then You must block him and have no further contact. Get a restraining order if you have to

He sounds unhinged and needs professional help

I know this sounds wildly insensitive but you carry on living as if he were dead.

In future if he leaves any voicemail messages, press 3 as soon as you recognise the voice to delete it. Don't sit there for over 5 minutes listening to silence created by an abuser.

And do the Freedom Programme.

This is emotional abuse. He is using emotions to control and manipulate the outcome of the ending the relationship. For aslong as you continue to answer him, acknowledge him this won't end. I know your DD is only 5 but please don't think this won't be affecting her. She will see the change in you when he is on the phone and at your house. Because your emotions are so high it will be difficult for you to be emotionally available for her. You need to put yourself and your DD first and put an end to this. He is very clearly unwell and unstable. You need to call the police and call your psychiatry department at your local hospital and make them aware then dust your hands of this. This will be your life and your daughters life for aslong as you let this continue. I know how difficult it is, I have been there but for the sake of your own MH & happiness and for the sake of your DDs MH, happiness and happy childhood memories please put an end to this.

He's not my daughter's father. Thank God. I had my daughter on my own.

I knew this guy years ago. And then got together with him when my daughter was very young. We've never lived together though.

My daughter has never called him "daddy" or anything like that. She calls him by his name and thinks of him as a friend of the family. She's fond of him though. He's always been good with her.

I'll go down to the police station tonight. My mum is with me. She can take my daughter while I go down.

I keep thinking he's going to kidnap one of the cats or something. Or go to the school. I'd die of shame! Everyone thinks I'm a normal person. And all this shit is going on. It's a village where everyone talks.

There were so many signs. So many. And I ignored them all because I felt sorry for him.

Luckily I've got my own house and job and business. I was so embarrassed when he was outside my house and sleeping in the church and going to the village pub and telling everyone he loved me. He left dozens of voice mail messages. The police were called and a doctor and he was sectioned. Then he calmed right down. And I took him back! I mean, what's wrong with me? How can I have every other aspect of my life under control - more or less - and then do something like that?

I'm a shit mother to my perfect daughter to have allowed this to happen and I'm in a full-blown panic about it now.

I'll go to the police. Thank you for listening to me.

I'm a shit mother to my perfect daughter to have allowed this to happen and I'm in a full-blown panic about it now.

you’ve not been great but it seems like you’ve seen the light
so stick to it

I wouldn't even get the police to do a welfare check, if he's obviously faking it, because he's going to think you care enough to do that.

I'd just block him completely and pretend he doesn't exist, he is not your concern, your DD is.

Your poor child. The most formative time in a kids life is the first 5 years. I read a study that said trauma inflicted at ages 3-5 is much harder to repair than of the child has a stalker upbringing for 5 years and then had the trauma later on in life. You need to stop this right now, your poor kid has probably already formed her opinions on what relationships are based on this awful situation you have put yourself (and her) in. This sort of thing can cause personality disorders..... I know because my daughter was raised in a very captive home environment with a mentally unstable man until she was 3.5 and is now 25 and has EUBPD. She struggles hugely to form proper relationships and lurches from disaster to disaster despite years of therapy and a very normal stable life after her dad went to prison at 3.5.

You have damaged, and are damaging , your daughter.