Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

@Worriedsick78 you do need to contact the police, for your own safety. You log this incident and tell them that you’re worried he’s going to harm your cats etc.
you don’t need to go to the police station. After 5pm on a bank holiday there won’t be any receptionists etc, you need to phone 101 and they’ll send someone to speak to you if needed or you can arrange a time to go into the station. If you rock up you’ll be met with a phone on the wall to call 101.

Contact the police and tell him he's harassing you and making manipulation threats of suicide, block him on everything. The end of the day, now that you're not together, you have no obligation to communicate or date him. He's trying to blackmail you and that's illegal. It's not your job to keep tabs on his welfare. If he decides to do something stupid and manipulative then that's on him. You're not his keeper! I'd honestly just pass him on to the police to be their responsibility and let him crack on. Wash your hand if the responsibility

It's not "being mean" to tell the OP that calling the police is not her responsibility, it's part of her stepping back and leaving this shit show.

His parents are the ones who should call the police. It is NOT ON HER to do this.

If his parents choose not to call the police, that's down to them. But the OP needs to thoroughly disengage. Send the voicemail to the parents/mum, then delete and block them all. No good can come of continuing to engage with any of this bullshit.

And in all honesty, anyone who is encouraging the OP to continue to feel responsible for this manipulative shit is NOT helping her to do the best thing for herself.

I had a coercive, controlling ex like that. Eventually, his family told me that he had form for it with previous girlfriends.

In the period where I had a phone that didn't have the facility to block a number, I had messages rather like that (after the in person fake attempt got him physically thrown out of my house).

I never responded to them and took no action at all. If he'd actually done something, they could have been given to the Police for an inquest, but even if he had actually been telling the truth, there would have been nothing I could do from a distance. Especially when they were coming through at somewhere around 3am when he'd run out of alcohol and I switched my phone off between 9pm and 8am.

He would have worked out that his amateur dramatics weren't having the effect that he was sure they would at some point - but fortunately, the phone OS updated to enable blocking.

I wasn't about to waste the emergency services' valuable time searching an area of thousands of square miles on the offchance he was actually where he said he was and meant to do what he was threatening me with as though I actually cared after five years of coercion, control, abuse and generally making me feel as though I was kicking a puppy

He still isn't dead 12 years later. Probably busy coercing some other at least initially gullible woman to be his Mummy. Not my problem.

Anyhow, if he turns up, OP, he gets arrested. His life is not your responsibility. He's abused and terrorised you for a very long time and this is him feeling like he's losing control of you. There will also be messages or letters where he miraculously survives or is in hospital. Ignore those as well.

He is not your problem. And it's highly unlikely that anybody else will think anything other than What a Dickhead if they have to listen to him whining on. Anybody who does think differently, well, they weren't in the abusive relationship with him, were they?

I'd tell him to crack on and do everyone a favour.

Phone the police

This lunatic will end up burning your house down. Do not 'feel sorry' for such people. Do not 'let them into your life'. Give them a massive wide berth. Block him on the phone. Do not speak to or engage with him again. You might need to consider moving away. The damage is done; he will likely not rest until he's done untold damage.

Please tell me you have blocked him on everything by now?

As somebody who lost a boyfriend to suicide, take it from me - you would have found out by now. Please never, ever allow him to play stupid mind tricks with you ever again. Achieve this by blocking him everywhere.

Just block him on every platform. If he does manage to message you, do not reply. If he phones, don't say anything, just hang up.

Stop engaging. If he harasses you, phone the police. You need to take control. He can't force you to take him back, no matter what. He is trying to manipulate you because he knows you will feel guilty. He will not commit suicide.

You HAVE to block this man.. he is not your responsibility. I stayed with a man once much longer than I should have because he said he’s kill himself if I left him. It’s pure manipulation and control. Think about your daughter. You don’t need this stress and drama. He will find another victim and move on x

This sounds like a really stressful scary situation. You’ve been manipulated and it’s not you fault. I expect your daughter won’t even remember him when she’s older, no idea what all the guilt tripping on here is about! I would report his harassment to the police for your own protection.

That's the worst possible thing to say to somebody threatening suicide EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK THEY MEAN IT.

If he chooses to end his life, it's entirely on him. If you goad somebody into suicide, or else tell that person you or anyone else would be better off if they killed themselves, and then they go ahead and do themselves serious harm (or worse) then you have to live with that for the rest of your life and if there's any evidence of that conversation having taken place, police would be well within their rights to arrest you and its possible you'd end up in jail.

Just don't. Don't talk to him, don't message him, don't pander to him, DON'T tell him to go ahead and kill himself. Do NOTHING but protect yourself and tell the police what he's said/threatened and leave it with them. He's got form for this and it's NOT upto the OP to 'rescue' him.

Phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check.
Then block him on every possible method.
Do NOT contact him for anything at all.
And don't get dragged back in

Listen to this advice.

Do not listen to posters telling you not to contact police, they have their own agenda.

You have been dragged in many times, partly because he makes you feel guilty.

By ringing the police you are making sure he’s ok without getting dragged in yourself.

You’re also logging it incase things do escalate as a PP said.

Well done for blocking him.

I'd tell him to crack on and do everyone a favour.

What a nasty thing to say about someone who is so unwell.

Surely the easiest thing to do would be for OP to stop getting back into a relationship with him.

Just phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check. I have done this for someone that said he was going to commit suicide. I was fifteen miles away, without a car and strongly suspected he wouldn't actually commit suicide. The police attended without hesitation. The police control centre called me back with an update once they had ascertained he was ok.

What a nasty thing to say about someone who is so unwell.

He’s a manipulative abuser. ‘Unwell’ but refuses to take medication. No sympathy.

There's a big difference between having no sympathy with somebody and actively telling them to harm/kill themselves. You'd do well to educate yourself a little.

This man is a master manipulator! All the best OP… hope he’s f’d off for good now !

Why all this waiting around to speak to the police or even considering physically presenting to the police station? Just ring 101 tell them about the VM he left you, explain your told his parents and expected they’d do a safe and well but it appears they haven’t acted on it, so could the police please do it and then block and delete him and move on with your life. I’d have rung 101 the minute I got the VM and then it’s in someone else’s hands who has the capacity to act on that information.

The hand wringing and self-castigation is achieving nothing for anyone.

I’m so sorry you have gone through this - He is mentally unwell but he is also abusive and manipulative.
threatening to kill himself in order to get you to do what he wants is coercive control and emotional abuse .
first contact 101 and ask for a well being check explain the background , the VM and tell them you are worried about his next move
please let people know in RL if you haven’t already , you need support right now .
You have nothing to be ashamed of , he has been abusing you with his behaviour leaving you worn down and exhausted , worried you are responsible for anything he does when it couidnt be further from the truth. You can’t help him and you need to disengage in all forms right now .

@Worriedsick78
Are you absolutely sure he doesn't have a key to your home ?
I don't want to worry you unduly but he seems very manipulative and probably cunning too.
Stay strong 💐

I'm sure he doesn't have a key to my home. I've just bought the building next to my house and turned it into my business. I can't imagine being able to move at this stage. Just about to put the little one to bed and my mum is staying with me. I've blocked him on my phone and email. I'll ask my BIL to help me lock down social media even more. There's not much I can do about my business accounts though. I will log it with the police tomorrow. For my sake rather than his. His parents can deal with him. He has brothers and sisters as well.

Why are you waiting until tomorrow to log it?

What are you going to do, ring up tomorrow and say your ex said they were going to kill themselves yesterday so you want to do a welfare check the next day?

That doesn’t make sense and it almost sounds like you’re prolonging it as you’re not ready for him to be out of your life completely yet.

Ring 101 today and ask for a welfare check then be done.
If it happens again ring them ASAP so you can be done quickly and you’re not spending time thinking about it.

Last time, when he lost it, he stalked around the village for a few days. He also made dozens and dozens of calls. This was about three months after I left him. That's why I think there's more coming.

he has form for dangerous behaviour. Definitely inform the police.