Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

My ex did something similar to me once. He left a note in his house for his flatmate to find which instructed the police to notify me when he’d been found dead. Of course they phoned me immediately to try and find out where he might have gone and I spent an entire night sitting there waiting for another call. What he actually did was went for a walk for a bit.

And then several years later, after having had no contact the whole time, he suddenly wrote me a letter to tell me he was actually going to do it this time and was writing to me to say sorry for how he’d treated me. That one was a lie as well.

None of your ex’s behaviour is your fault. You owe him nothing. He probably hasn’t done anything but if he has, it’s on him. Do not cave in and take this man back. Ever.

To tell the truth, at this point I'd stop caring if he has mental health problems or not. He's not innocent in this, and if he is emotionally unstable, it's not your problem. If you're worried or feeling unsafe, inform the police. Don't give a single thought to what is best for him. Prioritise your daughter and yourself.

I wouldn’t even call the police.

he’s a grown man who’s choosing not to take his medication, and to subject you and your child to his mental illness and, to be honest, his horrible personality.

Walk away now. Don’t engage again. He is entirely unsuitable to be around your child in any way and you must prioritise her and move on from this destructive, awful relationship.

I'm getting a lot of conflicting advice here. Some of it is a bit mean and making feel like crap, but I suppose that's to be expected on a forum. I won't contact his parents again. They're very upset, but it seems they're more upset about losing my DD and me than their actual son who they've only tried to call and that's it.

Maybe I will go to the police tonight. I don't know.

I've left my phone in my bedroom at home because I couldn't face checking it all day. I'll block him on there when I get back. I've blocked him on email and locked down FB. I don't have any other social media, except LinkedIn. I don't know how to block numbers on the landline, but I have caller ID.

I'll get a chain for the door.

I keep thinking about all the photos he's got of me. Not naked ones or anything. But all the photos he's taken on trips out and stuff. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it's bothering me.

My cats are all chipped. I don't think he'd do something like that, but it did cross my mind.

Last time, when he lost it, he stalked around the village for a few days. He also made dozens and dozens of calls. This was about three months after I left him. That's why I think there's more coming.

You don't have to physically go to the Police to request a welfare visit, you can call them.

A friend's employer did this when he stopped calling into work when he was off 'sick' with depression (he wasn't ill at all, he just hated his job). I kept warning him they would do so, he didn't believe me, the next week 2 police officers are nearly breaking his door down.

Ring 101 and ask them to do a welfare check. Then block him on everything.

OP, it’s interesting that you say you’d die of shame if people found out about all of this. In reality, maybe that’s the best thing that could happen. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of! He’s behaving like this, though choice or mental illness or whatever. The only thing that reflects on you is how you choose to go from here.

Phone the police but do not engage. My ex was just like this, he never saw anything through and he’s still going strong terrorising some other poor woman 8 years on since we split.

Ignore the mean ones who think they are edgy by making you feel like crap This kind of relationship can really do a number on you.

It's not really about "not caring" - you can't always just switch off care for someone who has been in your life for a long time. But recognising that no, he is not your responsibility, and acting on that - making yourself unavailable for emotional pleas, not reacting to anything, if you do need to react, making it completely emotionless and transactional (e.g. call police for welfare check, do not call a relative/go round yourself) will be helpful. It's about boundaries. Have a read about grey rock technique.

If your local police have a domestic violence unit or stalking unit maybe see if you can talk to them for some advice to protect yourself, get him on their radar?

Right now he is expecting you to be panicking and crying, doing everything you can to check he is ok, he’s a manipulative twat. Don’t fall for it.

This. And if he starts stalking you or calling outside your house, call them again. In fact, you could tell the police what happened last time and ask their advice.

And stay strong!

I've been in a relationship like this and years after it finished he still pulled stunts like this and trying to rope my family in. After a particularly awful stunt which involved my workplace and my family getting involved I emailed him a calm but strongly worded letter stating that if he got any of us involved again I would seek legal action. He had diabetes but used it in the most awful way to get attention and was a gambling addict. It never ends. Some people have a massive chip on their shoulders and just carry on like this. It does nothing for those who have genuine mental health needs.

You really don't need to go down to the police station, half the time there's no one there anyway. Just phone 101 they can deal with it that way then you can get on with other things and stop thinking about it. Good luck, and take care of yourself xx

What a vile post, @myceliumama
It is absolutely obvious that OP loves and cares very much for her daughter.
She is already beating herself up for the appalling crimes of maybe being too nice, and too gullible.
And the you come along and stick the boot in for good measure.
Well done.......🤷‍♀️

Ignore the posters who are being mean and telling you not to contact the police. Their agenda isn't to help you.

Call the police. They can do a welfare check. Do you have the voicemail of his threatened suicide? When I had an ex who did this, the police kept him in the cells overnight (slightly different circumstances but the threat of suicide could have constituted breach of the peace) and then sent him for psych evaluation.

Your ex may be ill but he's also manipulative and abusive. Either he needs MH help which the police can point him towards. Or he's being abusive, in which case a check from the police will make him less likely to pretend he's suicidal ever again. Then as PPs have said, block him on everything. And also tell everyone around you what he has done. You need RL support. Abusers flourish in the dark. Shine a light on it. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about

Absolutely do this, perfect advice. Someone who loves you would not do this to you. He might love and want your support, but in a relationship you should want the best for your partner and to make them happy. He is not trying to make you happy. He is trying to make you worried and scared. He's not your responsibility.

And if he is upset about your relationship ending, it is not you that he should be leaning on for support; it's his friends and family, or professionals. And if he hasn't got any friends and family who will support him, I guess that indicates something.

I'm getting a lot of conflicting advice here. Some of it is a bit mean and making feel like crap

If you are wondering who to listen to OP - ignore the standard-issue AIBU mean girl shit, read Daisy's post above 3 times ... & then do everything she says.

I've been in a very similar position to you. Daisy's wise post is absolutely the correct way forward.

He's manipulative , he's unstable, he's a moocher (how else could he afford all that gaming stuff ? ) and very possibly a threat to the life and future mental health of you and your daughter.
Block him as soon as you can and do not, under any circumstances ,open up a dialogue with him again. You can report your concerns about him to the police (the fake suicide might be considered gaslighting)or adult social services, there's usually a 24 on call number available on your local trusts website. Your daughter may be confused at first at his absence but you are doing right by her good luck 🫂

My ex pulled this shit. One day I wished up to it and knew it was a ruse, rang his mum and dad. Handed it to them to deal with, told them I’d call the police if he attempted anything and then I went to work.
That was it even never pulled the “I’m going to kill myself” bull shit with me again.
mid done all I could.

years later he admitted it was bullshit just for a shag.

you should not live in fear of his decisions, he is not your responsibility, you cannot fix him. Only he can with the support of the relevant services, and that’s not you, your not trained to deal with this. He’s using it as a manipulation tool, it’s coercive control. If he stalks you, ring the police. If he threatens you, ring the police. If he threatens suicide (genuinely), ring the police.

Well. My phone made that barely legible.

This advice is what you need to do.
Do not contact the Police... you're still playing his game, this is what he wants.

If his parents are not worried about him, this tells you all you need to know.

Block him on everything and get a restraing order against him.

If you can't do it for you, then do it for your daughter.

I’m sorry you’re getting some pretty nasty messages on here OP, you are NOT a shit mum, and it’s not your fault you’ve been sucked in by what sounds like a very manipulative and unwell man. I had a boyfriend when I was young who threatened suicide when I tried to leave him for his abusive behaviour, it really is terrifying and the anxiety that comes from it is horrendous. It’s so difficult to completely cut these bastards out of your life but its possible - the hardest part is realising the toxic situation you are in and deciding to make a change, but you’re already there! As PP have said, report to the police and block him. Would also suggest if you have social media put your accounts onto private so he can’t find you easily. Aside from that surround yourself with supportive family and friends, you don’t have to do this alone & they are probably just as glad to see the back of him with the stress he has been causing you.

Luckily not your dd father so no need to be involved on any level.

Report to police and pass on any message.
They can decide if to welfare check or not.
Not your issue.

If appears near you call police
dont engage with him.

Plan what to write to his family in the sympathy card should he go though with suicide. (Weird but i found this process cathartic when ex was threatening to kill himself )

This guy sounds awful. He has also left a terrible fake voicemail... By all means ask the police to do a welfare check if you genuinely think it will save his life...

But you don't have to go to the police at all. You've told his parents, if they aren't worried and i think that says something. This guy wants to know his threats have worried you/made you feel guilty and that you will react to his drama.

Think about getting some support from a domestic abuse service and maybe therapy for yourself to build some self esteem, as it sounds like you might be vulnerable to feeling sorry for manipulative men. Wishing you and your daughter the best in recovering from this.