Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

Hope things are going ok tonight. I would still call the police to check on him. It may embaras him into stopping the shenanigans.

There is absolutely NOTHING to be lost by being extra cautious. Presuming the worst in the short term and acting accordingly ie presuming he has keys and so changing locks, going to the police for anything remotely concerning

You have been very lax in the past and allowed this dangerous man into your daughter’s life. So turn it around now and go the other way. Go from lax to highly highly cautious.

I don’t read it like people are saying not to call the police if he is harassing or abusing her just not to call them to do a “welfare check” that’s not needed and will prove in his mind the op still cares about him which is what he wants and is playing into his hands, by all means call the police about the VM to get it on record but don’t call and explain it as a welfare check, that’s for his parents to do if they are concerned, don’t entertain this man any longer, he is not your child’s father no reasons for contact.

My mum was in and out of psychiatric hospitals; so I have some experience of how they work, and I've had an aggressive, scary stalker, too.

Call the police on their local number, and let them know that you've split up with him, he's left you a worrying voicemail, and you're concerned for yourself. Don't ask them to do a welfare check... It's a game to him and he'll see that as contact. Just inform them what has happened, and ask them how you can work together to ensure you're safe. They'll do a risk assessment and decide if you qualify for a special number if you need them, or an alarm, etc.

Then block him and his parents on everything, and move on. It will be a bit tough at times, because you've clearly had some feelings for him to let it drag on to this degree, but you need to accept that you might not get any closure on whether he actually did anything, although it seems highly unlikely; because he's counting on you needing that so reaching out somehow to find out. Maybe write yourself a little note along the lines of what you've said here; and why you need to be strong and end this for your daughter if not for yourself?

How are you OP?

Hoping you are safe and it's settled down.

This kind of thing is so common.

I know one friend who's ex girlfriend did this constantly, she'd call him saying 'I'm doing it now' and one day he got sick and called her parents who said 'no she isn't, she's sitting on the sofa playing on her phone' and it was all a ruse to keep him engaged.

I also know of one person (who is a semi famous singer now) who has done it with two partners. Once by sitting in the road outside his house but every time a car came by moving out of the road and once with her husband.

It's sad, but it is desperation. They feel out of control and feel better trying to control you/the victim.