Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

Exactly this.
So sorry you are having to go through this stressful time. You are no way responsible for a person taking their own life. That is solely THEIR choice. He is completely abusing your kind caring nature and his histrionic behaviour will never change whilst he can get what he wants.How would you be feeling in 5/10 years time when your daughter will be even more aware of the impact he has on you. Would you pick him as a male role model for her? Try and keep strong and I’m certain you’ll never regret removing this abuser from your life. Take care.

You need to prioritise your daughter and yourself asap as you are not helping the situation.

Refer to police/Social Services and block him everywhere.

I wouldn't phone the police unless he starts harassing you. You've already told his mum what he's done, she can go round and check on him or phone the police.

The only thing you need to do is block him and don't waste any more headspace on him.

Don't feel sorry for him. He is not your responsibility.

OP you have had good advice above from pp. You said that you told his parents. You should have left it at that, why did you contact his mum again? Seriously stop bringing drama into your life and your childs life. Block them all and move on having nothing to do with any of them. If he comes near your house then phone 999.

Every time he threatens suicide - ring the police.

As he does have a history of MH issues then he could do it.
But if he’s lying and the police are involved he’ll soon stop once he knows you’re not the one running to his aid.

He is manipulative and not a nice person. But you know this.

If he has serious MH issues you can’t keep getting back together with him and then breaking up with him as that is going to make him worse.

This man is seriously unwell and you need to stay away from him.
Yes he’s in the wrong but you are just as bad.
There is no way I’d have a man like this knowing where I live or anywhere near my DD.

Block his number so he stops guilt tripping you. Focus on your DD.
If you’re scared for your safety or even his ring the police but do not have any communication with him.

If it’s a small village/area where, as you say, everyone knows each other, you’d have heard by now if he had done something stupid, but ultimately, you are not responsible for his actions.

Agree with everyone else, he’s controlling and manipulative. He can be charming when it suits him or he wants something - and vile when it doesn’t. Make your daughter’s safety your priority now. It’s bad enough he’s threatening you but she will be his next target if you remain in contact with him and are not compliant.

People like this never change.

Anyone who threatens suicide in that ocntrolling way is never going to do it. Block him, get a Ring doorbell, and pref a new phone number and email address. then enjoy your life with your DD. Should idiot ex keep making contact, file a charge of harassment with the police.

Make sure your cats are chipped with your current details. Killing a cat might be a step too far but I could see him dumping the cat out of your village. Strays who get picked up would be checked for a chip so you'd get them back.

My ex threatened suicide as a way of keeping me from leaving him. He subsequently made 2 extremely half-hearted attempts when his next girlfriend tried to leave him. To my knowledge, he's still alive and able to make other women's lives a misery to this day.

Threatening suicice is often behaviour that potential stalkers engage with, so do report it to the police, by all means, but do so not because you're worried about him, but because he is harassing you. They can do a welfare check if they think it's necessary, assuming he's alive and physically well (I'd be extremely confident that he is) they can also inform him not to contact you again. Please also block him and never engage with him again - I know it's hard but you HAVE to do this for your daughter's sake if nothing else. This man is not stable and the whole dynamic you have with him sounds so toxic and unhealthy for you and her to be around. There's no point beating yourself up about it now, but you CAN make it right by stopping it now.

Block him, do not ever be tempted to unblock him. Don't ever respond to hlqny attempts to contact you, call the police if he turns up anywhere looking for you, never be tempted to arrange to meet him even if he does say that he's sorry and he's changed. He will not change and you are not responsible for him. If he does kill himself he would have done it anyway, you are not responsible for his behaviour and you would not be to blame. My ex stopped texting me threats to kill himself when he finally twigged that I just didn't care whether he did it or not.

BTW I can practically guarantee that he is alive. It was hardly an Oscar winning performance was it?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

Well done OP.
btw - he IS faking it. Guaranteed.
After all - it worked last time didn't it? He made you turn up at the psych hospital & take him back in case he topped himself. You drove 60 miles to find him when he pulled a different attention-seeking, controlling stunt with his walking off.

The determination you feel now - keep working on it.
Of course you are distressed, & of course you feel overwhelmed.
He is putting you through almost unendurable stress & pain & HE IS DOING IT DELIBERATELY, JUST TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO GIVING HIM HIS OWN WAY AGAIN.

Sorry to shout OP but there is only one way out of this & that's through it.
That means holding on to your strength & NOT GETTING REELED BACK IN.

You have been made to feel so responsible for this man & his issues that you beat yourself up for not putting him 100% first, don't you?
Time to stop all of that.
Every time you responded to one of his whinging texts - nicely and calmly. I always do. - you taught him that all he needed to do was keep whinging, & he would have you back looking after him again.
So you have to stop that.

You did exactly the right thing in alerting his parents.
You now need to tell them - & him - that sorry as you are about his mental health, his latest attempt to manipulate you is so shocking & so cruel that you have finally seen how outrageous his demands on you are, & that to protect your own wellbeing, you are withdrawing from all contact.
AND THEN BLOCK HIM.

Not without keeping a copy of that voicenote though OP.
Because if he gets round your blocks, & persists in harrassing you, you will need to call the police - either for welfare check if he's still acting out suicidal guilt-trip scenarios, or to ask about a restraining order if he refuses to stop contacting you. Either way - you will have evidence to support your side of the sorry tale when he manipulates everyone else around with his own version of the narrative.

www.paladinservice.co.uk/get-support

Block. don't engage in any way with him. that's what he wants, he will use any means necessary to get you talking again because if you're talking to him he can manipulate you. Threatening suicide is evidence of this.
Your boundaries are low and you won't be able to 'just talk to him or 'explain things to him' he doesn't care about any of that, he will only care about opening lines of communication in any way he can possibly think of because then he can get to you and wear you down.
DO NOT give him the opportunity to do this, you know you don't have the ability to resist his manipulation or you would have left and stayed gone ages ago.
I honestly would report to the police to have evidence of his manipulation on record, just in case he escalates his behaviour. If his fake suicide fails he might get more desperate

For future reference OP - this ...

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

... is the absolute lowest bar for any relationship. With anyone.
You wouldn't stay friends with a pal who was any less than lovely, intelligent & kind, would you?

So why are you tolerating so much shit from a man, & fooling yourself that the few occasions he manages to demonstrate the absolute basics of decent human behaviour are enough for you?

Please do The Freedom Programme. Your boundaries are so off it's concerning.
That doesn't make you a bad person btw - just a kind one, who's been taken advantage of. I hope you ignore the rather overwrought & hysterical post upthread at 12:21 from @myceliumama - it reads like pure projection to me, & I'm amazed that anyone would want to pile more stress on you right now, after handling that awful voicemail.

This book would be a bonus addition to your bedside table, too - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

That isn't true. Some do. I've known several who did.

Even if calling the police might be what he wants, attention wise, I would still do it.

There are several reasons for that - firstly if the police have a record of every time he has threatened/pretended/manipulated... that helps build a case against him for harrassment. It may also help get him sectioned and get the help he clearly needs.

There is another reason though... if he HAS killed himself, that phone message will turn up in the inquest into his death. It will be public knowledge that he called you, and that you did nothing. The earlier history of him crying wolf repeatedly... more than likely won't.

Now whilst I totally agree your response should have been.. nothing... given the history, it is INCREDIBLY damaging when that sort of information is published in the local newspapers and spreads around your local area (again... I saw almost exactly this sort of thing happen to someone close to me).

It is an extra level of shit you do not need.

Well said at 13:04 @Squiff70 On both counts. Some PP need to get back in their box with the victim-blaming & arbitrary scaremongering.

I agree with others, you need to get off this train right now. You've written his mum but you don't say that you've blocked him. If you haven't, do that now AND block her or any other person he may try to use as a flying monkey. Don't forget to 'lock down' any SM you have so he/they can't contact you through your business OR personal SM.

If you don't have a Ring doorbell, get one. I'm not saying he is a 'threat', but if he decides to show up to make his 'entreaties' because you've blocked him you want to know before you open the door.

I remember when my exh did this. He called and said he was walking on the motorway and was drinking whisky from the bottle, crying, and would throw himself in front of the next artic if I didn't take him back. Told me his phone was dying and when it died I'd know he was gone. Next thing phone went dead.

Needless to say he didn't do it because 20 minutes later (during which time I'd called 101 and told them about the call and given them his last known whereabouts at a motorway services hotel) he called me from the hotel. Told me he now knew I wouldn't care if he died. Wrong. Of course I'd care even though he'd been an absolute nightmare during our marriage. Also it didn't work and I didn't take him back.

It's controlling, it's manipulative, and in actual fact it's not your problem. Of course you don't want him to die, but you're not responsible for him. Block. Block. Block.

Block him on all channels that he can get to you.
Your daughter is very young and if you want to have relationships in the future you have time to show her what a good, loving and functioning relationship looks like
Enroll on the freedom program and complete it. It’s also for people in emotionally abusive relationships not just physically abusive.
Have some time as a single person. Figure out what you want in a relationship. What are good boundaries and how you want to be treated. Then stick to that.

This isn't true. Suicide rates in perpetrators of domestic violence are high.

You absolutely do need to log it with the police and block him on all forms of contact, change phone number if you can at all possibly. It's an act of stalking and harassment and you have a child who could be at risk of this man and his threatening behaviour. When stalkers exacerbate their threat to themselves it increases the risk of harm towards you also.

Things to do to help keep safe;
-1 speak to the police, phoning 101 is fine.

• 2 speak to Suzi lampluhh trust who can help you.

-3 let your child's school pastoral team know about this man and that he is never ever to pick your child up and poses a risk to your child because he is stalking and harraasing you.

This

www.suzylamplugh.org/

I doubt very much he's actually done it.
Step away - you've done all you needed to by contacting his mother.
If you call the police, he'll know you still care.
Block him, block his mother and DELETE the bloody message. (If you feel the need to fwd it to his mother first, do so but then DELETE it)

If he's actually done it, he's done you a massive favour - but he won't have.

Police will do the welfare check, but in all honesty if he'd actually jumped out of a window someone would likely have found him by now, unless he lives in a remote castle and jumped out of the tower.

This is a massive form of manipulation. Inform his parents they need to find him as you are done. Tell them you're informing the police and do so. They can do a welfare check like other posters have mentioned. He needs help but it is not your job to fix broken men. You deserve better. You know this.

Even if he has, it's not your fault. Just be thankfully you never had a child with him.

100 percent has a personality disorder. This is exactly what being in a relationship with one is like. Change your number and move on, if you can move away because it could turn very nasty