Ex made worrying threats on my voicemail - content warning and title tweaked by MNHQ

[Worriedsick78]

I've changed my name for this. I've posted about my relationship before, but I wanted to change my name for this.

OK. So, I've had an on-off relationship with this man for a few years. I've finished with him several times, but he always manages to worm his way back in and because he has MH health issues, I end up feeling sorry for him.

I have a nearly 5 year old daughter.

I finished with him again a few weeks ago. He asked for another chance and kept sending me messages saying that he believed in us, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, he knows I'm The One for him etc etc.

I replied to these messages nicely and calmly. I always do. But I think it gave him hope.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the things he's done over the years. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months at one point and said he'd kill himself if I didn't go and see him. So I did. And then somehow we were back together.

He's walked off from our holiday. 60 miles home and wouldn't get back in the car when I found him.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

There's loads more examples. Loads. All a big mess.

And then there are moments where he's lovely and intelligent and kind and loving.

But, I can't do it anymore. I've come to the stage where my daughter will start learning that this is what a relationship is. I can't do it to her. I feel so guilty that I've let it get this far already.

So, I finished with him again.

And the day before yesterday, he left me a voicemail message saying "I'm grateful for the time we've spent together. Thank you for being so honest with me. What I'll remember most about you is all the lies and manipulation. Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh.". As if he'd jumped from his window or something. Then the message continues in silence for another 5 minutes.

The noise he made sounded very fake. But what do I know?

So, I phoned his parents. I just couldn't deal with it at all. And now I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown or something.

I've been checking the newspapers to see if any suicides have been reported. His parents say they've had no news from him - although I don't know why they haven't been to his house. The police would have told them by now though, wouldn't they?

I'm not going to his house. If he's faking it, he'll just reel me in again. He always does.

What should I do? Whatever I do, it has to have minimum impact of my daughter. I just need her to forget about him now. I need to move on.

Before he went into the psychiatric hospital he spent three days outside my house.

I'm just waiting for his next move and I'm scared.

I've tried very hard to hide it from DD. This weekend has been all about lakes and walks and parks and swimming and picnics. She's had her dance class as normal. But she will have noticed probably. I'm absolutely determined not to get this wrong anymore. She's such a clever little girl. She really is.

So stick with it
none of this on off nonsense
and as I say - if he commits suicide… not.your. Problem

Its good he is not your daughters father- this will make it easier to end this once and for all and never have to have anything more to do with him.
It's not to late to turn things around for your DD but that has to happen now. Please don't wait until her MH is affected before putting an end to all of this. Therapy will help you to understand why you kept this man in your life - definitely worth going down that route once you have taken the steps to get him out your life. If you need to consult a lawyer and get an interdict/injunction on him. Documenting everything with the police will help you to get the interdict.

If this helps:
Police - document everything
Change your locks
Change your phone number /block him on everything
Get your friends/family to block him
Put up cameras/ring doorbell
Consult a lawyer
Make your DDs school aware so they can support her
Consult a therapist

You can cat proof gardens so he can’t take or hurt the cats.

Ok, well seeing as he's not even your dds father, you cut him out of your life and block all contact. You have a child and you need to prioritize them not this man. He is bringing nothing to your life but stress and aggravation.

Protect your daughter. She will be aware of the tension and trauma. Put concerns for her first before him. If he decides to commit suicide then it is decision and his alone. Even his parents don't seem to be as bothered as you are.

Keep your sympathy for your daughter and use it if you ever feel even a speck of pity for him in the future!

The fact that you hadn't blocked this nutter ages and ages ago shows that your judgement is very off. Think of what's best for your child, for goodness sake. Block him permanently.

Forget the police not your problem if his parents are worried they can call them-hes not your family or your reposnsibilty

Exactly. Going to the police is absurd. Stop involving yourself in his bullshit. You're playing right into his hands because this is exactly what he wants. He is not your responsibility.

I've just written to his mother and said that I won't be calling the police, but that she should if she's worried about him and that I won't be speaking to him ever again. She knows exactly what he's like. It's her problem.

He doesn't have a key to my house. He's never lived here. He lives around an hour away.

I'm hoping this won't have had an effect on my daughter. She's never seen us row. But if she'd heard that message he left me, she would have been scared.

You know what he's doing. He's blackmailing you because he knows your weakness. He has family, he's getting help. Block him, don't have any contact. You need to think about you, because if the self harm threats don't work, you've already said what you're worried the next step might be, and you're right. If he starts sitting outside your house or following you, report to the police IMMEDIATELY, and every time it happens. Tell the school and everyone involved with your daughter too that he may be a danger to her. School can organise safewords etc so that they only speak to you.

Oh shut up! First off, there's no such thing as "EUBPD". Telling a vulnerable mum her daughter will end up with a personality disorder - a serious psychiatric illness - because of the 'errors of her ways' is EXTREMELY unfair, unjust, incorrect and damaging. For your sake, sit on your fucking hands and NEVER say that again.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. This man obviously has a lot of issues and he's dragged you through so much shit over this time. It's NOT your fault. He sounds like he has narcissistic traits (no, I'm not diagnosing him!) and he's continually dragged you into his dramas. He needs psychiatric help but I suspect you may also need counselling to help you come to terms with all of this, freeing you and allowing you to move on. You have NOT damaged your child. She will move on from this easier than you will I'm sure. She doesn't understand how manipulative this person is and hopefully you can use age-appropriate language to explain this to your little girl. The mental health charity Mind will be able to guide you on this and they may also be able to offer you adult counselling too if you feel you need it.

I hope you're not too traumatised by what he's done - it's what he wants (to get at you and hurt you). You did the right thing by telling his parents about this voicemail and if they deem it appropriate they will ask for a welfare check on him.

Delete, block, make sure he can't access your house and tell your daughter's school what has happened so they can keep a close eye on her.

You will heal and move on from this. His actions are not tour responsibility nor your problem. Take care.

OP it's very worrying that you've let this go on for so long.

Please look at the Freedom programme. Neither you nor you DD need a man like this in your lives. And you can't go down this road again with anyone else.... which hopefully the FP will show you.

You're not this man's saviour. Only he can sort his MH and life out. Focus on yourself and your DD. And completely disengage.

Mental health my arse. He's a master manipulater. He will probably no more kill himself than paint the moon purple
how the hell does he spend 15 grand on gaming if he's no job?
Sorry to be blunt but you are being taken for a complete mug here. Block him and DONT take him back

And in the highly unlikely event that he does end his life it certainly will not be any fault of yours

This man has huge mental health issues but they are not your responsibility. For your daughters sake block him/contact police if he harasses you ~ he’s not safe to have a relationship with her (drug taking/emotional abuse)
call police for a welfare check and tell him you have no choice but to block him and ask him never to contact you again via any means. Maybe tell his parents (if he is in touch).

You have a five year old. It should be clear where your priorities lie. It sounds as though this man knows full well where to access help if he needs it, and you are not the help he needs.

He's taken drugs. And he doesn't take the medication he's prescribed.

He's spent 15,000 quid on gaming stuff in about 2 months.

He doesn't have a job. He keeps getting sacked. He's been in employment for about 2 years of the last 20 years, which maybe isn't his fault if he's too ill to work, but still.

None of these examples have anything to do with his mental health. They are to do with him being a lazy, selfish arsehole.

You need to block him out of your life completely. iF he threatens suicide, call an ambulance and the police and let them sort it out.

I hate posting "this" but this is almost word for word what my reply was going to be.

He's not a project. You cannot fix him. You have your own responsibilities and he is not one of them.

he won’t have killed himself.

Police - document everything
Change your locks
Change your phone number /block him on everything
Get your friends/family to block him
Put up cameras/ring doorbell
Consult a lawyer
Make your DDs school aware so they can support her
Consult a therapist
@Greyarea12 Makes a good list here.

I would definitely go about obtaining a non molestation order at the very least: if the police are being at all useful they should arrest him for harassment and stalking given what you’ve shared here. That might lead to a restraining order

Apart from that aspect he is not and should not be the focus of any more of your attention. Children see and know far more than we as adults realise. Their filters and triggers are very different and they also are wired to want to see the best in things which means often they mask the damage this sort of thing does. Please for her sake make sure this man really is kept out of and away from both your lives for good.

“If he threatens suicide, call an ambulance and the police”

Don’t do this, this is exactly the thing he wants you to do, he wants you to take responsibility for him because to him that is evidence of a relationship.

If he chooses to harm himself, which yes, he might well do to prove a point to you, I am willing bet it is a very half hearted attempt which he will do while making sure help is available.

Very few women would consider a man with such severe mental health issues who'd only worked two years total out of the last two decades as a potential partner. He wouldn't even be at the bottom of their "maybe boyfriend" list, he just wouldn't be in the running at all.

Given that - and I mean this kindly - why on earth did you?

You've got yourself involved with someone who you truly believe would murder a small furry animal just to spite you - and I have no reason to doubt that you're right. What's even worse is that is a small child at risk in the middle of all this...it makes my blood run cold.

Report his crazy behaviour to the police. Get security cameras in. Talk to the police about getting a panic button installed. Block him on every single goddam thing and never ever have any contact with this freakydeek EVER AGAIN. If I was in your shoes I would honestly think about moving house - to somewhere many miles away, preferably.

You need serious therapy to work out why you have such staggeringly low self esteem and to understand why your boundaries are not so much too low but absolutely non-existent. Please do this..please, for your daughter 's sake as much as your own.

I had an ex threaten suicide after I broke up with him. He left me a voicemail one evening saying he was sitting with a box of paracetamol in his hands and the next day he texted me saying that I would soon read in the papers about a man found hanging in the woods and it would be him. I didn’t for one second think he was serious, but nonetheless I considered it about the lowest thing to do to me, someone he purported to love. It was such scumbag behaviour. Thankfully I was advised very well by one friend and I sent him one message saying that he was responsible for his actions and I couldn’t influence what he chose to do. Funnily enough, last I heard, he was still alive more than a decade later.
At the time, the technology wasn’t there to readily block people from your phone. It’s there now- use it.

I think you’ve done absolutely the right thing telling his mother and leaving it up to her to contact the police.

Block and walk away, you and your daughter don’t need this.

Youve already made complaints to the police about him. I dont know why people have told you not to go to the police, as he is clearly dangerous. Id be sending them the message as evidence of his behaviour. Not about a welfare check. Make a complain of harassment.