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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 27/04/2022 18:15

His desire to live in oz outweighs his desire for his son to grow up with a father!!! Wow.
Your reluctance to go along with this zero choice decision doesn't stem from being unreasonable it stems from your instincts screaming at you that removing yourself from all your support network social and financial and placing your future in the hands of someone who is willing to cut you loose if need be is highly unwise. Its no small upheaval to move countries you can't force someone's hand like he is doing because it can only succeed if it all goes swimmingly well. If its tough and emotionally painful it all comes back to he made you do it.
In a healthy marriage he would come to you with his wishes and trust that between the two of you his deepest desires would be weighed up in a fair balance with your deepest desires and his young families needs with due consideration to the collective future, and that a decision would be arrived at where all of that had been deeply considered and thus not going to oz would only be the outcome of other serious factors outweighed his wishes it would be a decision based on the mix of your unit.
He hasn't done that, so he is ensuring that his deep desire is the ONLY factor being taken into account, or he'll let you both go. 😮
He is willing to spend the next 5 strengthening his bond with his son and building a loving relationship with him, only to PRE-MEDITATIVELY turn his little world upside down and turn his back on him. He's planning to break his sons heart.
Better do it now while the poor lad is still to young to be as badly hurt.
Of course he'll blame you, you're the one forcing his hand... Except your not, because he isn't asking you to choose iz he's telling you and hoping your love for your son will force you along.
Just wow.

Ponderingwindow · 27/04/2022 18:18

So he can’t even be bothered to live in the same city as his infant child already? He is showing you exactly how much he cares about you and his child. Believe his actions, not his words. You would be crazy to in any way jeopardize your own career to follow him around.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 27/04/2022 18:19

You need to divorce him now and get the child support established.

If he applies and doesn't get in or you and your DC cannot get in, you will be his second favourite option and WTF would you want to be that for any fucker let alone this total bellend?

Hortensiateapot · 27/04/2022 18:21

Retrievemysanity · 27/04/2022 14:10

Hmmm ok seeing as you nearly split last year and now he’s saying this, I’d cut my losses now. I wouldn’t move the other side of the world in a relationship that’s already unstable. Maybe a trial separation would be a good move because he might realise he would rather be here with the both of you than over there alone.

Agree with all of this.

Phobiaphobic · 27/04/2022 18:33

Your husband is a narcissistic piece of shit. Something he HAS to do? Maybe he should have thought of that before he involved other people in his life, eg. a wife and kids.

Ohmybod · 27/04/2022 18:36

It’s really shitty behaviour, however, i wonder has your situation in the last year had an impact on him making this announcement.

You have been the primary carer for DS who is only 1. He perhaps isn’t feeling as bonded with your DS as he might have been had he been living at home with his family. In a few years he will likely (hopefully) have a deeper bond with your DS, spend a lot more time with him and be much less likely to consider making the move. Of course, the same should apply to you, right now, if he truly loves you!! I suspect he is distracted by his career building and by living apart from you a lot of the time and that has made it easier for the selfish decision making to creep in. I think you both need to live together as a family for at least a short period and have some honest chats about your future. Certainly don’t sit back and wait and see what happens in 5 yrs….

WildBlueAndDitzy · 27/04/2022 18:37

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 16:53

@WaspStingsAreAwful don't worry it is good to be blunt it makes things clear and sometimes I need that 🤣

I am probably his slave, you are right.

He has good career potential once he's finished this training in a year and a half. He has plans to be on a good salary and be able to support us so that I can work part time. Of course, this sound good to me but now I'm worried I'm totally blind sided/in so deep I cannot see the reality?

Working part time isn't him doing you a favour.

It's him using that as justification for putting all the housework, childcare, "default parent" status, carrying of the mental load involved in parenting and running a home, onto you. Even if he worked 60hrs a week, you'd still work more because you'd be effectively "on call" 24/7 doing everything and running round after him as well as your son.

Being part time creates the additional power imbalance of him earning more even if you had the same hourly rate. In a selfish person that equates to them getting to spend the money on things they value and you having to justify things you want or need, to him.

Being part time reduces your earnings, making it harder for you to leave him should you decide you want to at some point.

In short, it's a way of trapping you. Of making you feel that it's easier to do what he wants than to separate. Or in other words, your decisions are no longer your own, due to the potential negative consequences of standing up for what you truly want or need.

It's a way of him effectively having greater control over you. Even if he's not consciously setting out to do that and I wouldn't be so sure it's unconscious that's the end result. As he's a selfish person who doesn't have your best interests at heart, this is a dangerous thing.

Interesting that he started on with how unhappy he was and how you all need to go live in Australia isolated from your support network a year ago and your son is a year old. Coincidence? Or an answer to the question, if he's going to Australia regardless then why have a child with you? A child makes you more likely to try to make the marriage work, even if you're the only one trying! A child makes you less likely to leave him once you're in Australia, because you'd lose the child if you came home and if you're financially reliant on him how do you leave him and afford to stay in Australia?

His plan to move yearly whilst still in the UK effectively prevents you from putting down roots anywhere too. And possibly makes a move to Australia, with the promise genuine or fake of stability, look more appealing. It's possible he's had his life and your place in it mapped out for a very long time.

Re: worried you're saying no out of principal. What principal? Believing you're worth more than his selfish ultimatum? Believing that a marriage should be equal and he should consider your views before making a decision, instead of expecting you to do whatever he wants all the time? Believing that this wouldn't be a good life choice for you? Because there's nothing whatsoever wrong with any of those principles. If your gut instinct says no - listen to it.

Of course the unpaid internships paid off for him, you were funding everything! He chose to do something for himself at your expense.

Artsuggestions2022 · 27/04/2022 18:41

You need to divorce now as opposed to being messed around for the next 5 years supporting him. I can imagine him wanting half the house and your assets and your pension and bugger off - you won’t get any maintenance. Please file now - this is not how grown ups make decisions.

PriestessofPing · 27/04/2022 18:42

Another aspect to consider is not only being trapped in Oz if you didn’t like it, but worse, trapped in Oz if he decided his neverending quest for greener pastures included greener relationship pastures.

If he’s only got his eye on what’s best for him, what’s to stop him from deciding, once you’ve supported him to pursue these latest dreams, from deciding another new ‘best for him’ is someone else? That’s the thing with people as selfish as this - if he’s truly prepared to tell you that he only cares about his future, and isn’t taking yours or his own child’s future into account now, what happens in a few years if he decides he’s unhappy in the marriage?

Theres no true trust with someone like him because when push comes to shove he’ll always put himself first and expect you to suck it up and follow along. From what you describe he sees himself very much as the star in his life and you as his main supporting actress. Not a team or a partnership.

Onwards22 · 27/04/2022 18:49

Hmmm ok seeing as you nearly split last year and now he’s saying this, I’d cut my losses now.

I agree.

If this was a strong relationship then I’d say differently but you’ve almost nearly split and he’s telling you he’s going whether you come or not knowing that - he’s telling you he’s breaking up with you. You need to listen.

I can see where he’s coming from. I’m not planning on staying where I am now for another 5 years.

I can’t think of anything worse than staying in the same country my whole life, I want a couple years living abroad at least.
As it’s not for 5 years you don’t know how either of you will feel and you could even come to some sort of compromise.

But it’s irrelevant because this isn’t about him want YOU to move, it’s about him wanting to end the relationship but making sure he’s financially comfortable to do so.
When the time comes he’ll just say he did warn you.

oviraptor21 · 27/04/2022 18:58

Worth reiterating that if you were foolish enough to move to Oz and then he broke up the relationship (other woman, just buggering off etc.) he could still prevent you from taking your son back with you to the UK.

tribpot · 27/04/2022 19:01

He has plans to be on a good salary and be able to support us so that I can work part time.
Clearly you would be mad to be financially dependent on someone this unreliable. He has a lot of plans, doesn't he? Plans that you then have to go along with. And these plans seem to change quite regularly as well, it certainly seems possible he will decide this new career isn't for him after all, he wants some more training paid for by you.

You've already lived through all of this once - you left uni, bought a house, went to Oz where he decided to quit his job, leaving you to fund the house and his further study. He then gets a training job in another city, demands you follow him there, it turns into a disaster and you have to come back to your own house and live on your own with the baby all week.

How would this move to Oz not just be a bigger, far more expensive, and riskier version of what you've already been through with him? Here you have a good job, a home, and the ability to return to it. There you'll have none of that.

I would let him go now. That way he can't accuse you of having strung him along making him believe you were going to go. He can establish a pattern of contact with ds that will make the transition easier when he goes to Australia (lots of video contact, in person every few months?) and you can focus on building a stable life for your son to grow up in, not being pulled from pillar to post by his dad's whims every other year or so.

whatisheupto · 27/04/2022 19:06

He sounds like a narcissist OP.

Please don't confuse custody with being allowed to take the child out of the Australia. They are two very different things. So, you may well have full custody, but if I understand correctly you would not necessarily be allowed to take the child to live in the UK. So you would be stuck in Australia until your child was 18 (or much longer if your child stays there and you want to be near them).

totallyoutnumbered · 27/04/2022 19:08

TopCatsTopHat · 27/04/2022 18:15

His desire to live in oz outweighs his desire for his son to grow up with a father!!! Wow.
Your reluctance to go along with this zero choice decision doesn't stem from being unreasonable it stems from your instincts screaming at you that removing yourself from all your support network social and financial and placing your future in the hands of someone who is willing to cut you loose if need be is highly unwise. Its no small upheaval to move countries you can't force someone's hand like he is doing because it can only succeed if it all goes swimmingly well. If its tough and emotionally painful it all comes back to he made you do it.
In a healthy marriage he would come to you with his wishes and trust that between the two of you his deepest desires would be weighed up in a fair balance with your deepest desires and his young families needs with due consideration to the collective future, and that a decision would be arrived at where all of that had been deeply considered and thus not going to oz would only be the outcome of other serious factors outweighed his wishes it would be a decision based on the mix of your unit.
He hasn't done that, so he is ensuring that his deep desire is the ONLY factor being taken into account, or he'll let you both go. 😮
He is willing to spend the next 5 strengthening his bond with his son and building a loving relationship with him, only to PRE-MEDITATIVELY turn his little world upside down and turn his back on him. He's planning to break his sons heart.
Better do it now while the poor lad is still to young to be as badly hurt.
Of course he'll blame you, you're the one forcing his hand... Except your not, because he isn't asking you to choose iz he's telling you and hoping your love for your son will force you along.
Just wow.

This! This! This!!!

VerveClique · 27/04/2022 19:10

This is absolutely nuts.

Have just read your posts OP.

Your ‘D’ H doesn’t seem to have the words we/us/our in his vocabulary does he?

Even if he is getting there with his training, have you discussed how this collectively will improve your lives in future?

Australia is a LONG way away. It’s expensive, and culturally very different from here, not always in a good way. There’s bills, taxes and work like everywhere else… drug problems, and massive issues with addictions generally, and social isolation. In many places the weather and conditions are extreme, and always difficult to live with.

You sound supportive and helpful…. And completely taken advantage of. I’d be telling him to stay where he is training, and make a new life for yourself and your son… without this complete millstone weighing you down.

Changechangychange · 27/04/2022 19:16

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:00

@JustLyra haha I wish I could be as confident as you! It would help me a lot.

Yes you've got it right about the week days and weekends. Although he is tired at the weekend - obviously.

He says because he has lived in my area for past 6 years I should do something for him - ie. move after his training (somewhere else in UK) and eventually Oz. I can understand the moving around the UK, eventhough I'd prefer not to as it would like be a move every year for a few years until we've to Oz.

Moving area every year is just not doable when you have kids, I’m afraid. Unless one of you is a SAHP and you don’t give a shit about schools or your child having any friendships.

DS was born when I was a junior doctor (so moving jobs every 6-12 months), and we moved to Canada for two years when he was just over a year old. So I am speaking from experience. It is intensely disruptive to your child, one of you (DH in our case) had to take 3-4 months out of work each time while we waited for a nursery place, and DS lost all of his friends and his relationship with his nursery keyworkers each time we moved.

We only moved twice - as a junior doctor we stayed in the same house and I just had some hellish commutes. But two moves, two years apart, had a big effect on him, even though the overall experience of living in Canada was great for both us and him. I certainly wouldn’t move within the UK once a year just to facilitate my feckless DH’s wanderlust - he can continue to live away from you and move as much as he wants, and you can keep your stable base, secure well paid job etc. I would honestly suggest you split up and he can just visit DS at the weekend, or once a month, or whatever he wants - I wouldn’t continue to financially support him.

Changechangychange · 27/04/2022 19:21

oviraptor21 · 27/04/2022 18:58

Worth reiterating that if you were foolish enough to move to Oz and then he broke up the relationship (other woman, just buggering off etc.) he could still prevent you from taking your son back with you to the UK.

This too. He could dump you and never see DS again, and STILL prevent you from leaving until DS is 18.

The woman people keep referring to on here who this happened to had visa issues which meant she either couldn’t work or couldn’t find secure work (can’t remember the ins and outs). She was living in absolute poverty, and couldn’t leave or do anything else to get out of her situation. I seem to remember her DH either had MH issues or drug/alcohol issues, and she was absolutely trapped, knowing she had a great life and supportive family to return to back in the UK but unable to access it.

Aishah231 · 27/04/2022 19:21

It sounds like he's got you convinced that you need to be grateful that he has let you live somewhere you happen to like but which you moved to in order for him to be able to give up his job retrain and you to be able to pay for everything and raise your son alone. Don't go. He'll never be happy. Leave him now if he stays every bad mood will be your fault. There are no good options here but that's his selfish fault. Sorry OP you deserve more.

Aprilx · 27/04/2022 19:22

I commented on page 3 or so and have since read your updates. Come on OP it is time to face up to reality here, your relationship means nothing to him. Even more incredulously, his son doesn’t appear to mean a lot to him either. Sorry but it is true. Think about it another way, would you leave your son because there is another country you fancy living in? I am going to take a punt at no.

I was not blessed with children, and I would rule out a move overseas if it meant I couldn’t take my dog with me! That is not rhetoric, I moved to Australia with two cats, I moved back with three. We have made enquiries about moving with our dogs' but they are pugs and we might not be able to, in which case, it’s simple, we won’t be going. This man does not even feel that strongly about his child, never mind you.

You sound like a lovely person to me and he does not deserve you, find somebody that does.

snowballupahill · 27/04/2022 19:24

Hi! Have been in a similar. situation. In fact it was the kicker that I needed to issue divorce procedures when I had been hesitant for me it was Hong Kong and been told it's time to talk to your family when he hadn't at all yet! He is planning to abandon you when you are entirely isolated either through not putting down roots before you go or even worse when you are there - the other side of the world with limited choices legally and financially. If you were a true partnership it would be a discussion not an ultimatum. It all smacks of controlling/coercive behaviour, which is difficult to explain you only sense it when you are in the middle of it as "something isn't quite right". Think of your child and your future and divorce in the UK.

Runmybathforme · 27/04/2022 19:24

I wouldn't be waiting 5years, I'd tell him now not to slam the door on his way out. I'm so sorry, but he doesn't love you, or seem to care anything for his son. No way would I stay with him.

Rondvassbu · 27/04/2022 19:25

He sounds like he is completely all over the place. What is wrong with him???
He can't be uprooting the family every five minutes, even if it is within the UK. Children need stability and so do you.
You've compromised enough with moving around and then having to keep going back to your parents' during maternity leave and now he's away during the week.
It's completely ridiculous and now he wants you to move to Australia in 5 years and is bullying you by saying he will go even if you don't want to.
Heartbreaking as it might feel right now, you would be way better off splitting from him now and letting him get on with whatever bonkers scheme he comes up with next.
He doesn't sound very stable to be honest and who is to say that he will be able to stick at the job he is supposedly going to get in Australia. What happens if he keeps moving around from city to city for different jobs and you have to tag along with him. It will be hard enough to build up a support network in Australia as it is. You'd be away from all your family and UK friends and what if he does then refuse to let his child leave the country - he could easily do that once you are there.
It's just an absolute disaster waiting to happen. You need to put your foot down now and put an end to this.
You and your child will not be moving to Australia, not ever. He can then decide what he wants to do once he knows this is what is happening. And he can fuck off.

snowballupahill · 27/04/2022 19:30

Just to add - and I am not a psychologist- the lack of empathy of your DH is truly telling and that's a whole other discussion - My former DH had no empathy but bags of charm and manipulation so be very careful about how you approach leaving/divorce/child custody.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 19:31

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What a load of tripe

IvorCutler · 27/04/2022 19:31

Midlife crisis much? He’s an idiot. The grass is not greener. I say that as an Australian.