HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

The thing to remember is that he CAN theoretically stop you from returning to the UK because he can stop his son from leaving (See the Hague Convention). And I'd guess that he's smart enough to know that he'd have you 'trapped' since you most likely wouldn't leave Aus and leave your son behind. So he gets Aus AND his son with no skin off his nose, since he doesn't care if you're happy in Aus or not. And don't think for one split second that he would be 'too nice' to do it. After all isn't that his dream? To have his 'little unit' living stuck in Aus? He's already shown that he doesn't give a toss what your feelings are by saying he'll go without you and DS. Why on earth would he cavil at keeping you there?

It appears that he's the type that really enjoys moving hither and yon for their career or to pursue the 'next big dream'. There are just some people like that. My BiL and my BFF's dad were always on the lookout for 'greener pastures' and so constantly changing jobs and/or locations (although within the same industry) and dragging their families along. Because the wives were SAHM there was really no choice for them. But you DO have a choice since you are 'self-supporting'. You may not be so lucky jobs-wise in Aus or the next place he decided to flit to.

You need to realize that Aus may actually be only a 'stopover' on the way to the NEXT 'big adventure'. And that the more 'stopovers' there are the more your own career may suffer. Do you really want to live like that? I wouldn't. In fact, I wouldn't uproot myself and my child again, especially if I owned a home. And I'd refuse to sell the house if the time comes that he decides to fly away to Aus and you decide to stay put.

His attitude towards you and his son show that he is NOT someone who can be depended on to 'be there' and shoulder responsibility for you or DS if things get rough or if you are unhappy in Aus (or elsewhere). My suggestion to you is to look out for yourself and where it is best for you and DS to be and to start right now to prepare yourself financially and emotionally for him leaving to pursue his 'greener pastures'.

OP I think you should tell him in very plain words that you and your child will not be moving to Australia. He is free to make his own decision regarding that but he should do it in the full knowledge that if he goes he will be going alone.

Do not be moved on this, do not get into discussion, just tell him your decision is final. Be prepared for tantrums and coercive behaviour and stand firm.

I wouldn't move with him in the UK either tbh. I'd separate and stay where your family is and start to build a new life. You've been coping on your own already paying for everything and him only home weekends.
If he's going to go no matter what then I think you need to get your son used to having a part time dad. Cos when he's gone I assume he will only be seeing his dad once a year at most.

If your son is very small he may still be adjusting to being a dad and whilst going through the motions may not have really bonded so the concept of sacking off his current life might seem possible in a way it most likely won't in a few years.

Having said that like you say the fact that he's not bothered if you come or not speaks volumes. That's where you lie in his priorities. It sounds as if after the split he emotionally has checked out of this relationship and is basically going through the motions until he can "escape" - if it wasn't for the practicalities of his career he'd be off right now.

I agree in 5 years with a lively interesting 6 year old who he's got to know it won't seem so easy to ditch all his responsibilities. But the issue that he seems to be envisaging a future without you is a sign that this relationship is over in all but the paperwork.

I also caution you against moving that far unless you really really want to go. It's so difficult and expensive to return and when you need support it's possible to feel incredibly isolated

Have you ever heard a mum say they want to move to the other side of the world whether their six year old will be there or not? I haven't.

SillySausage01 There is so much on your posts that make me want to scream run

He now wants to leave you to live in a place he went for a couple of weeks holiday

How much money has he brought home from this fantastic job that is supposed to support a family of 3 in a new and probably more expensive country.
I think he is laying down the groundwork to make sure you won’t go because if he can’t support you in this country how the hell is he going to do it on the other side of the world.
It sounds like he supports himself but doesn’t pay anything for you

He has admitted he is selfish so why would he be any different any where else.

Just because you have been together for a long time doesn’t mean anything. Live in the here and now and don’t put your Ds through getting to know and love his dad and then him walking out when he is 6 years old. Tell him to just not come back at weekends and you won’t be holding him back from his one true live and he is free to go.

You wouldn’t put up with your husband saying that he was having an affair but he was just waiting to be on the right salary which should be in 5 years so he can afford to support his mistress and then he will be off.

The one good thing is you are already supporting yourself and your Ds. And he only comes back at weekends.

When you realise you don’t have to move or do anything you don’t want to do the relief will be huge and I think you don’t know it yet but you will suddenly feel the relief of tension

"You should do something for him...."
What? more than bring up your child single handedly, work full time & pay for his unpaid internship, & then training, move to another town... & continue to fund his life, then keep moving, until he decides unilaterally to move across the world.
Sorry he is using you, You are just his bank
I mean how many sacrifices has he made for you?

At the moment it’s a fraction of time you spend together. I would be wary to spend 100pc of time with him away from your friends family and job.

I'd give exactly the same advice to a dad that was bankrolling a fickle wife who only has their own desires in consideration and expects the family to just follow them around the world but doesn't contribute anything meaningful to family life (finances, childcare to name two obvious things here).

This isn't a woman vs man issue, if you read it that way then your misogyny is in full flow.

What thread are you reading?

This one is about a guy who has announced he is leaving his wife and 1 year old in 5 years time to go and live on the the other side of the world and in the meantime he will stay as he doesn’t have to pay anything towards the household bills, food or to supporting his Ds.

I think the only reason he is staying is because he doesn’t want to pay Child Support for the next 5 years

This, a million times.

I remember reading a post not long ago about a mum who was stuck thousands of miles from family, friends and all that was familiar, without the necessary permits to work, nor access to public funds to fight her ex for permission to return to the UK with the dc. It was truly, truly heartbreaking.

Don't go unless you are 100% committed to making a new life down under, and 100% committed to your dh.

Do you want to go to Oz? Do you think you'll want to in 5 years? If not, it's time to rethink your whole relationship now.

with next to no information i hear mums calling him a cunt and a twat..'cut him loose'

Can you get a visa given your job, OP? Because it sounds like you’re basically shoring up the family currently. How come he gets to choose where you go? It sounds like when a diplomatic wife just trailed her husband back in the day.

I know a bloke who did this, decided to uproot the family saying it was for a year. He had no intention of returning. He (and the family) are still there. His dw was extremely unhappy for ages and the kids totally fucked up.

Make him watch that daytime program about trying out Australia.
Loads of reasons for and against. But lifestyle is what you make of life not where you are.

What would you think of a mum who said they will be moving to the other side of the world whether their six year old will be there or not?

You could act like you're preparing for him to go on his own. Ask him which service he'll use to transfer money to you each month for looking after the little one. What's the exchange rate like?

Is he flying you both out there for visits or is he going to visit you in UK?

Tell him to get into the habit of checking under the duvet for spiders before getting in.

Does he mind if you get a lodger in to earn some extra cash?

Talking like it's a done deal and you're not that bothered will take the wind out of his sails.

He's nuts. Bin him now.

Don’t forget to factor in the impact all the moving on your DS. It’s hard to imagine when they’re babies how quickly they build their own little lives. I’m not saying people shouldn’t move because of their children but depending on the child’s personality it could be very hard on him to leave everyone he knows / children he’s grown up with etc. so it would give me pause for thought there. I’d want to be 100% sure it was the right thing for the whole family, not just someone’s ‘turn’ to call the shots.

Re read this and remember it.

also agree with those saying why wait til the child is 6 and make it worse. Send him to Australia now.

Abandoning your child is not "not following the rules." It's being a shit and selfish parent.

You'd be alright being left a single parent because your partner fancied fucking off for a "better life" without you?

id be thinking they are free to make their own choices..id be thinking that maybe parenthood is not a good match for their personality,..id be thinking they are torn between duty and their own hopes and loves...id be thinking they may have some mental health difficulties made worse by fear of judgment (which we can all see exists in oudles). id be thinking they have also said and done stuff that shows love and commitment

You have done something for him Jon, you've financially supported both him and your family through his many years of study!

Honestly if you’re not going, and I agree he’s Peter Pan so I wouldn’t be, then I’d leave now. He also has hints of cocklodger tbh … you’ve paid and supported him and at first hint of him stepping up he’s mentioning going to oz and you and your child are not a consideration. That’s not love you are feeling from when you had problems last year, it was desperation to keep his lifestyle provided for till he is ready to move on.

Also, I'd prefer my son to see his dad as the person who left. Rather than mum ripped son away after promising to live is aus, then presumably both of you two coming back here.