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Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
itsmeagainlol · 27/04/2022 19:33

Tell him to eff off and do it now. Why should you live the next few years in misery and anxiety because of his dream, with a threat hanging over your head. He can fulfill his dream if he wants, but the status quo was you married here and have family here and you feel happy here. This shit should have been said before marriage and a baby not after.

lunar1 · 27/04/2022 19:34

I'll never forget the poster who reluctantly went to Australia with her husband saying they would come back within a year if they weren't happy. She moved with him and the children. He left her shortly after they got there, hardly saw the children and the op was left miserable, doing all the parenting in a country she hated.

She wasn't allowed to leave, or if she did she couldn't take the children. It didn't matter that he was hardly in there lives. I always wonder what happened to them.

Notjustabrunette · 27/04/2022 19:35

Honestly, can anyone imagine a woman pulling this shit? “So yeah, I’ve made this decision I’m going to split up with you and leave my child in 5 years time so I can go to the beach”. Said no mother ever. My husband once took a job in a different country without consulting me first, it turned out he was having a massive breakdown. The shit hit the fan, he came home and went into a load of therapy. OP he’s either a total prick or he’s having a breakdown. I’m going for prick as he’s planning to do it in 5 years and not all of a sudden running away.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 19:37

badgerlantern · 27/04/2022 17:52

with next to no information i hear mums calling him a cunt and a twat..'cut him loose'

Your reading comprehension skills not too sharp are they?

FoxesEat · 27/04/2022 19:47

To recap

  • you moved to your current area at his request so he could give up work to study
  • you financially supported him for 2 years during his studies
  • you agreed to move away from your support networks 5 months earlier than agreed at his behest with a small baby, it was a total disaster and you had to move back to be near family
  • since then you have fully supported and paid for the family home and childcare responsibilities whilst he has his own place and commutes back at the weekend

....and for the pleasure of getting to bankroll all of this and provide all childcare you should now sacrifice even more for HIS dreams?

Honestly, this man comes across as all talk, no commitment and happy to take you for a mug. Speak to real life family and friends about this ultimatum please.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 27/04/2022 19:51

Assuming he/you are all able to move there GO FOR IT! at least I would anyway, I love Australia, spent over a year there and I’d love to live there permanently.

oviraptor21 · 27/04/2022 19:58

Maybe read the OPs posts @PatientlyWaiting21 ?

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 19:58

PatientlyWaiting21 · 27/04/2022 19:51

Assuming he/you are all able to move there GO FOR IT! at least I would anyway, I love Australia, spent over a year there and I’d love to live there permanently.

Did you read the OP's posts which make it clear that it really isn't that straightforward?

Nairobiblue · 27/04/2022 20:00

This is an old article but still as valid today. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/16/the-mothers-fighting-to-get-their-children-back-home-again

samqueens · 27/04/2022 20:09

Sorry - haven’t read whole thread so this may have come up already, but suggest you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? before you start making any decisions/going to counseling or anything else. Just in case it speaks to you.

Frazzled2207 · 27/04/2022 20:10

I’d tell him to leave and go now.

I could not be with someone who was planning to leave me and my children and go and live on the other side of the world in the future

either he is a selfish twat or having a mid life crisis or possibly both.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2022 20:16

PatientlyWaiting21 · 27/04/2022 19:51

Assuming he/you are all able to move there GO FOR IT! at least I would anyway, I love Australia, spent over a year there and I’d love to live there permanently.

Great news. When he fails to emotionally blackmail his wife into going with their child, YOU can go with him!!

StrangeLookingParasite · 27/04/2022 20:23

I hope he's planning to earn an absolute boatload of money. The price of housing in Australia is horrifying, and the cost of living is pretty high too.

Herejustforthisone · 27/04/2022 20:24

Let me get this straight:

you went on holiday to Oz in 2018, during which time he decided to quit his job and go back to school.

White he did that, you bankrolled him entirely. He even did in pain internships, knowing you’d pay for him.

He made you move away from you family.

He left you, heavily pregnant, to move away for his own work. He wasn’t fully around for the beginning of his son’s life.

He forced you, at four months postpartum, to move to where he was working. He was awful to you/difficult to be around, so you moved to your parents and commuted to see him constantly, thus wrecking your maternity leave.

He’s now demanding you move away from your family, the only support you’ve had since your son was born, to wherever he decides to work because you somehow owe him.

He’s decreed that he’s moving to Oz in five years and he basically doesn’t give a shit if you and your som don’t want to go, because he is doing it anyway…

Fucking hell. I may have got a few things muddled but I don’t think I’ve ever read the like. Selfish is not the word.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2022 20:24

Is he doing medical doctor training or lawyer? OP out of interest- because clearly with medical that's one job where people do tend to move around a lot in training. Personally I would say non committal things like 'we will see' and see in a couple of years how the land lies---- and it may change his mind- it might not- I certainly wouldn't be having another child though.

Femalewoman · 27/04/2022 20:28

He loves his little unit but not as much as his desire to go to Australia. So you either go or split up. Sad that he announced this without consideration of your views first. Sounds a selfish man. You nearly split last year, have a 1 year old and now he wants to up sticks in 5 years for him. Good luck, you are going to need it.

Mamabananananana · 27/04/2022 20:36

All i keep thinking is: how youve supported him financially and once his career is on the up- hes going to leave you!?
fuck. Off.
dragging you about the country and then the world? Why did he get married and have kids if he was this selfish?
poor you. Op. Id be the same : i may WANT to go to Oz, but not with a gun to my head!
what do your family think of all this?

Mamabananananana · 27/04/2022 20:38

Also. Everything that @Herejustforthisone said

Redburnett · 27/04/2022 20:40

Perhaps two options to consider:
1 tell him to move out now and you and DC will have contact only twice a year in anticipation of him moving to Oz (if he does love you and DC perhaps he will see sense)
2 Go on a family holiday to Oz and see if you and DC might like to move there too

NannaKaren · 27/04/2022 20:44

Well - he’s NOT a Keeper!
you’d be better with him gone !

SnowRoses · 27/04/2022 20:52

Your child is one
You only see him on weekends
He thinks his needs are more important and has followed this through
His going to Oz, With or without you

Personally i would end it now, why waste 5 more years with him.
Your baby will find it alot easier for his father to walk away now rather than in 5 years time

PriestessofPing · 27/04/2022 21:10

There is also another aspect to take into consideration. If he’s planning to keep moving about for the next five years for jobs, surely you can’t keep uprooting yourself and your child, especially where childcare is concerned. Not to mention your own career and support system.

So what would be the alternative? Continue to do the bulk of the parenting while he does weekends, jointly, with you? Because from what you’ve said, he has barely spent any extended time with his child since birth if you’ve been commuting to him and then him to you - other than the brief spell you did move to him and he was a ‘nightmare.’

In what way was he a nightmare? How much parenting has he actually done when you’re not there or even with you?

If you continue like this and then leave your entire support network to go to Australia, how can you know if he would cope with being a ‘full time’ parent (i.e living in the same house with and parenting his child every day of the week, not just a couple of days)?

And on top of that, he’s happy to let you move again and what? Give up your current good job to go part time once he earns great money (if he gets that far)?

He’s clearly not doing that much actual parenting now so why would he do it when in a new country with all his new interests and career to pursue, while you do something PT and rely on him for money?

Honestly, this entire scenario sounds absolutely bonkers. It also stuck out to me he doesn’t like either his own family or yours. Why is that?

Changechangychange · 27/04/2022 21:16

Is he doing medical doctor training or lawyer? OP out of interest- because clearly with medical that's one job where people do tend to move around a lot in training

You do move around a lot, but the expectation is that you have a base and commute, not that you make your wife leave her job and pull your kids out of school every twelve months.

ShandaLear · 27/04/2022 21:21

I’d pack his bags and kick him out now. Who wants that hanging over their heads for 5 years. Shut it down - you and your son aren’t going to Australia and if that’s what he wants to do he may as well go now instead of dragging you round the countryside so he can do his crappy jobs that don’t even pay the bills.

LowlandLucky · 27/04/2022 21:23

I can't believe you are putting up with such a cold hearted ba$tard. Are you really going to play happy family's for the next 5 years whilst all along he is making plans to leave. Where are you going to live once he has gone, who is going to be doing your childcare, what are you going to tell your Son when he is 14 and hasn't seen his Dad in years ? If you are happy to play the doormat go ahead but don't expect your Son to go through this unscathed.