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Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2022 16:54

He sounds like a Cocklodger who never wants to grow up tbh. He will never put down routes. It will always be something else, never you and your son. And he'll probably want you to fund it too.

I'd cut my losses now. Rather than spend the next 5 years being a victim of narcissistic triangulation. Only instead of playing you off against the idea of another woman, he plays you off against a place. In order to make you feel 'am I not enough?'.

I actually experienced this with my first long term partner in my teens-early 20s. He would go on and on about moving to America. As if he was just going to up and go any day without me.

Funnily enough, years later he did marry a girl out there and move. And apparently he now he spends half the time banging on and on about how much he misses home to her (does things like coming back to the UK without her for 6 months at a time...hitting on wome here and then claiming to miss her ect...and going back and then rinse and repeat)

The fact is, some people are never happy. And some of them...they want their partner to know it. So it feels like they are the ones with the issue ('am I not good enough?') When the truth is that they just are miserable, mind fucking bellends.

miltonj · 27/04/2022 16:55

Yes, the I'm going with or without you would make it a definite no from me and would not want to continue a marriage with him.

Luculentus · 27/04/2022 16:55

He thinks he will be miserable if he stays here, but apparently thinks he won't be miserable in Australia without you and his son? You need to ask him to unpick and explain that.

Hutchy16 · 27/04/2022 16:55

Tell him that you aren’t completely against going, but you are completely against being told you are expendable if you don’t agree to do what he wants.

let him have a choice, a divorce now, or an agreement to stay if you aren’t willing to move when you reassess it in a few years.

he sounds like a pain (read this as a waaaaaay worse word of your choosing) and you need to decide now whether you are willing to have him tell you that you aren’t important and what he wants.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 16:55

@AlwaysLatte I think advice is a good idea. He does say he knows I would not let him have sole custody of our son and of course no way in he'll I would. He seems to be so determined to live his life exactly the way he wants to and if he had to care for our son (on his own) this would prevent him doing that, making me think he wouldn't try for custody.

Practically there's no way he would get custody over me, right now.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 27/04/2022 16:56

So basically he’s already living the single life during the week, then coming home to the nice house that you pay for to play Disney Dad and husband for the weekends?

not only would I not move to Australia with the man, but I’d be thoroughly tempted to kick his arse into touch now.

Does he have any cares for what you want and about your child?

you and your son deserve better than someone that thinks you’re worth weekends for a few years before he fucks off to the other side of the world.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 16:57

I have thought I needed councilling has anyone had it and found benefits? Anything I should consider when find someone to talk to? Never done anything like this before.

OP posts:
BlueOverYellow · 27/04/2022 16:57

I agree with others: I'd split up with him now as he is literally telling you that his priority is moving to Australia, with or without you. That says it all really; you're a placeholder until he can live somewhere else.

Find someone who wants you, not someone who just wants you in the interim until something or someone better comes along.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:00

@JustLyra haha I wish I could be as confident as you! It would help me a lot.

Yes you've got it right about the week days and weekends. Although he is tired at the weekend - obviously.

He says because he has lived in my area for past 6 years I should do something for him - ie. move after his training (somewhere else in UK) and eventually Oz. I can understand the moving around the UK, eventhough I'd prefer not to as it would like be a move every year for a few years until we've to Oz.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 27/04/2022 17:01

He sounds utterly selfish.
I would crack on with the divorce now.
Get the child maintenance set up. The UK has a reciprocal arrangement with Australia so as long as you have it formally set up then the Australian authorities will assist in enforcing it.

Luculentus · 27/04/2022 17:01

He's happily lived off you for five years and will presumably continue to do so for some time, but expects you to drop everything in five years' time so he can follow what sounds like little more than a pipe dream. Did he previously live in New Zealand? You really cannot judge what living in Australia would be like on the strength of one holiday.

AMindOfMyOwn · 27/04/2022 17:03

Yes please find a psychotherapist (better Ime than a counsellor).

it will help you sort out your feelings around the move, your boundaries and how very clearly his wishes trump absolutely anything else.
I’ve seen a counsellor before and have found it really helpful. Don’t expect immediate results. That’s not what it is about. But it will help you gain some clarity you don’t have Atm.

What I’d say is
If he was a nightmare to live with when you went to the town he was living in, further away from your family, what makes you think he won’t do the same, if not worse if you move to the other side of the world, with no support network at all?

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:04

@Luculentus he has a NZ passport through hid parent being born there.

OP posts:
AMindOfMyOwn · 27/04/2022 17:07

He says because he has lived in my area for past 6 years I should do something for him - ie. move after his training (somewhere else in UK) and eventually Oz

So in his eyes, you supporting financially for two years, moving to his town more quickly than you wanted is nit doing something for him?!?

Thats not how a marriage works. It’s not a constant give and take and counting points. It should be about building a life that is beneficial for all of you (including your child!). As it stands, he doesn’t even want to take your input into account…..

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2022 17:08

MissusMaisel · 27/04/2022 13:37

He doesn't love you and your son very much at all if he would leave you to live in the other side of the world, for no particular reason.

I'd divorce him now if I were you.

This.

I would ask what is do significant about moving in 5 years time

Why doesn’t he just pack his bags and go now

He might love your little unit but when it comes down to it he doesn’t love you enough to stay.

Stop living on tenterhooks for the next 5 years that is just cruel. Divorce him and then you will feel a lot better.

Rummikub · 27/04/2022 17:10

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:00

@JustLyra haha I wish I could be as confident as you! It would help me a lot.

Yes you've got it right about the week days and weekends. Although he is tired at the weekend - obviously.

He says because he has lived in my area for past 6 years I should do something for him - ie. move after his training (somewhere else in UK) and eventually Oz. I can understand the moving around the UK, eventhough I'd prefer not to as it would like be a move every year for a few years until we've to Oz.

From your previous post you mentioned that it was his idea to move to your local area?

It sounds like he has initiated a lot of these changes and you have continually supported him. I think it’s probably your turn to initiate the direction of your family rather than him calling all the shots.

Idontevenknow · 27/04/2022 17:15

Apologies if this as came up as just skim read the full thread, but if he is suddenly saying he wants to move to Oz and this wasn't planned pre kids etc, then it's clear you and your child are not the priority. Don't be bullied.

I think you need to separate, you both want completely different things

AMindOfMyOwn · 27/04/2022 17:17

Well it’s obvious he doesn’t care about the OP or his dc.
Otherwise he would never have put it that way to the OP anyway.

Stravaig · 27/04/2022 17:17

Being confident you'd get custody in the UK is good, OP. But in Australia, getting custody does not mean you can bring your son home to the UK. The father can block you, effectively trapping you in the country until your son is grown.

Pantsomime · 27/04/2022 17:18

No one can predict the future, but if you don’t plan for your DS to be an only child, I’d want to stay near family and my support network whilst having another child as it sounds like you’d be alone and possibly lonely if you went to Oz with him working all hours building his career up and then you had another child

WildBlueAndDitzy · 27/04/2022 17:18

He knows he is being selfish but I don't think he believes he's being unreasonable

He thinks being selfish is reasonable. He's not a keeper. It's just a shame you didn't find this out before you married or had a child with him. If you stay with him, this is your life forever more. This won't be the last time he's selfish. It's a behaviour trait he has no problem with having and no desire to change it in himself.

If anything he thinks I am unreasonable

Selfish people always think this every time they can't get their own way. It's due to them believing selfishness is reasonable behaviour (as long as it's in them. Strangely enough they don't tolerate others selfishness half so well!)

You say he loves you and your son. The problem is, he loves himself more and always will.

You can't understand it because you're coming at it from the perspective of being a good parent who genuinely loves their son. You can't be a good parent without being willing to put your child's welfare first. Selfish people can't do this, they always put themselves first. It's a totally different mindset. Your husband isn't coming at the situation from the same perspective as you.

I'd divorce him now because selfishness is a deal breaker for me. It causes so much heart ache and dread because being involved with a selfish person you're always at the mercy of their whims. It doesn't matter so much with a friend who you can choose to see or not see and your own life remains the same but in a romantic relationship, if one partner is selfish it causes chaos for the other person. Unless that other person is happy to be passive and always go along with what the selfish person wants. Even if you were like this before, it's changed now. You're a mother and putting your child first, not your husband. Part of putting your child first means keeping your own sanity and wellbeing in a good place because you can't pour from an empty cup. If you moved away from friends and family who you're close to, that's a negative for your wellbeing.

Pluvia · 27/04/2022 17:19

Wow. What a life he has. A loving wife who earns enough to pay the mortgage and the bills, a child he has no responsibility for and complete freedom to pursue the career he fancies rather than focus on earning and supporting his wife and child. You are married to Peter Pan, the boy who never grows up and demands both his freedom and all the security and perks of a wife and family (whom he doesn't have to pay for). And you go along with it, with him telling you where you're going to move to next year and in five years' time. Where is his respect for you and his consideration about the security of his son?

Is he likely to become a high earner in the next few years? When he disappears to OZ will he be earning loads? Or will you continue to out-earn him? This may help you make a decision about when to divorce him.

This isn't how a good relationship works. You don't (unless you're a selfish bastard) drag your family around wherever you go, even if your wife is the main earner. You and your son deserve better than this.

newbiename · 27/04/2022 17:22

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:00

@JustLyra haha I wish I could be as confident as you! It would help me a lot.

Yes you've got it right about the week days and weekends. Although he is tired at the weekend - obviously.

He says because he has lived in my area for past 6 years I should do something for him - ie. move after his training (somewhere else in UK) and eventually Oz. I can understand the moving around the UK, eventhough I'd prefer not to as it would like be a move every year for a few years until we've to Oz.

You have 'done something for him ' you've supported him and his child for years.

Autienotnaughtie · 27/04/2022 17:23

He's making decisions but so should you -

1, Do you want to move to Australia?

2, if no, do you want to stay with your husband while he builds his career (effectively you supporting him) for the next five years

You don't have to decide now but you need to take control of yours and your sons life and future and what that's going to look like. Good luck

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2022 17:23

Be very careful. I don’t know if Australia operates the same type of immigration status as New Zealand does where immigrating children as soon as they step off the plane become NZ citizens and cannot be removed from the country unless both parents agree

I remember a woman in NZ who hated it there and hated her in laws but couldn’t go back to the U.K. with her children. She was stuck there or leave without the children were her only options.

Personally if someone is giving you ultimatums or saying they don’t love you enough to stay then believe them and wave them goodbye now.