HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

Don't do it SillySaugage01. Just don't
I'm a Brit in Aus. Came here through circumstance rather than a decision.
People seem to love or hate it. Me? I like things here and in UK. I am always bewildered by the 'better lifestyle;. (we are now planning a return as call of UK is too great after a good few years)
You still have work and commute. You still have to mow the grass (all year round), sort out the plumbing/ attend school stuff/ cook etc. It is not some Utopia.
Plus doing this without a support network is so very hard. No emergency childcare (unless you make a great friend who will help out) all babysitting is formal. I have been so stressed sitting in a huge traffic jam (truck rollover for the 100th time) trying to get to childcare to pick kids up with no-one at all to turn to.
And the bullshit about the weather/better lifestyle. It is skin searingly hot/madly windy that a lot of people look for indoor things. Plus our successive governments could not care less about climate change- so the future for your child is not upbeat.

Do not move with your child. So many women want to move back but are stuck because the fathers refuse permission...and so mums are stuck here until the child is an adult.
Did I mention?- DON'T MOVE with him.

I have a relative with a high up sports related job, rarely hear from him and never know what part of the world he is in.

You sound like somebody who wants a stable, happy home life. Neither you or your son are likely to have that with this man sadly. Your son will constantly be moving and unsettled.

Growing apart from someone doesn’t diminish the good times you had or what you meant to each other but one or both of you will continue to be unhappy going forward with conflicting needs.

I hope he changes his mind but whatever happens please don’t let him isolate you from your family and friends in the long run.

Why not go and try it?

She couldn’t return to the IK with her son without her DH’s permission though. So if he loved Australia and she didn’t, she could be stuck there until their son is an adult. This really does happen to people.

*UK

Because of the many, many reasons listed in this thread

but now he is coming out the other end, where he will be in a position to support himself at least, and me should I be so fortunate

@SillySausage01

Please don't tell me this means you are thinking of giving up work to be a SAHM. This would be disastrous in your situation.

Bloody hell, have you actually read the thread?

I think he's testing the waters with the hope you will say yes eventually. It is a bit of a game I would say.
I genuinely think he if he loves you he will not go but this will create a lot of resentment.
I do understand what your husband may feel like. I would love to live abroad but my husband doesn't want to as he loves the U.K. I have asked him and to be honest it feels so rubbish and depressing when your partner shuts it off completely. It actually feels inconsiderate. Some people do feel very passionate about living abroad. My husband eventually said that he wouldn't mind living abroad for a couple of years and that made me feel better like a compromise. It made me feel closer to him like atleast he cares and would do this for me so I can get it out of my system.
You need to come up with some sort of a plan.

He's been saying it since before your child was conceived???

Did you factor that in to the choice of him as sire of your offspring?

Does he even know what kind of visa you and you your child could get.? Would it enable you to work? Would it enable you to stay in Australia even if the two of you divorced? What about your child? Does it establish a permanent, lifelong residency for him since he would grow up there and it is unlikely he would want to be forced to leave immediately upon reaching adulthood?

absolutely do not assume he won’t fight for custody if he gets you into a new country. You have to operate on the assumption that if you decide to leave, he may try to prevent your child from leaving. You need to be a well versed in the child custody laws of any country your co-parent has the right of residency before ever allowing your child to enter that country.

I moved to Canada because my husband really wanted to and I now feel stuck. Wish I would have put my foot down earlier and told him I didn't want to go. We are planning on moving back to the UK, but if I had been more clearer earlier on, we would be in a better position financially and work-wise now.

Stick to your guns, ask him to make a decision sooner like in the next few months. If it's a for sure thing for him, trial a separation because it's not fair on you to have to lose the next 5 years to anxiety of 'what's gonna happen next' to you and your son. Be brave and look after yours and your son's futures.

He is clearly fixated on a specific plan/goal in life and if that really is important to him I don't think anyone should have regrets. That being said, he can't have the emotion or respect for you that you think you he does if he is willing to up and leave his family if you don't commit immediately and follow everything he does. I think you need to think about what path you genuinely want before commiting to going with him or splitting and go from there.

Ps. I also lived in Aus for 2 years (hubby aussy). It's red hot, like hot all the time, so hot you can't think straight. And miles away from everything. Great to visit, but too far out to live. In my opinion of course, many ppl love it.

So, you've supported him both financially and emotionally for years so he can do what he wants, but none of that matters now and you don't get a say in his decision to move?

He doesn't deserve you; he has used you.

You should think about how he intends to fund his new start in Oz.

Message continued:
Will he want to sell the house? Will he empty bank accounts?
You could be left in a real mess here.

Do not go to Australia.
Idk if it's been mentioned upthread but there's an OP on here who moved to NZ with her husband and kids against her better judgement and it quickly became a living nightmare.
Last I read she was still there against her will and struggling to manage a divorce, custody of the children etc and get back to the UK.
Also my personal experience, I've been in Australia for 15 yrs w my OH and kids. I came semi willingly for my husband's career and I've made a pretty good life here.
He did not force me though and if I'd said No he wouldn't have left me. He would have stayed in England and found another career.
But I've now absolutely had enough and am miserable.
We talked and husband and I are in agreement re moving to a jointly decided third country in the near future. A united decision we're both on board with.
I shudder to think what it would be like if he was deadset on remaining/convincing me not to leave.
Also my children are now adult so I'm not vulnerable in that respect.
You clearly don't want to go plus he is clearly a selfish git. Don't risk your security and happiness for an emotional blackmailer.

It's red hot, like hot all the time, so hot you can't think straight. And miles away from everything.

🙄This can be easily fixed by not living far North. I live in Australia and have certainly spent periods in places as you describe but to be fair the majority of habitable country where most people live is fine and not like this.

I do agree though it is miles away from other countries (apart from NZ and our Pacific neighbours such as Fiji, or SE Asia if you reside in the top end).

OP dripfed the NZ information after I first posted along with a whole lot of other dripfeeds.

Children do not automatically become citizens of NZ or Australian just by getting off the plane. It's the Hague convention which prevents parents uplifting children for countries that the children are residents of.

Ah fuck I mixed up the quoting.

Yes, you should, because he won't have to prove it's feasible to look after him, he'll just say 'no' to him leaving & that's that. Then you'll have to choose to leave without DS or stay there, which is how so many women get trapped there, for life (because as older children/adults they're settled there and the mother still has to choose 'home/elderly parents OR teen/adult children). Even if he says he wouldn't stop you, you cannot guarantee he won't change his mind when it's so easy to do there & effectively force you to stay.

Oh & your situation now is bonkers. He's using you & you're letting him.