HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

His approach is all wrong, not one of a loving husband and father. I don’t have a good feeling about this. I would tell him that you and your son are not going to Oz and that you will be where you want to be. Do not give in to his crazy demands. He cares only about his own needs. Take good legal advice and take care. X

@SillySausage01 Sorry you are going this, it must feel like a guillotine hanging over you to be made to feel like the one with the executive power in this situation. His behaviour is pretty awful overall though and you need to think about what example he is setting his own child. He does sound like he is somewhere on a spectrum but the threat to go with or without you is blackmail at best, in that he’s actually trying to force you to come with him because he wants to be with you. Or he is literally saying I will go whether you come or not which is downright insulting otherwise. He is saying he has to do this move regardless of you, your child and his responsibilities to you both. That’s not a partnership and I would be pulling away now as he just does not have the ability to put you and your son first.

I really wouldn't agree to this op. It's far too risky for you. He made you leave your home with an infant, he is a weekend Dad, he doesn't do much parenting. These are all real negatives. You could end up so isolated and lonely and drowning in drudge. But for me, the deal breaker would be the issue of wanting to come home and your child being blocked from leaving with you. He wouldn't have to get custody, he could just block the move. So you'd be stuck there, even if the relationship had broken down. No one on earth can give an iron clad guarantee that a)they'll move back if you're unhappy and b) they'll let child move back with you and without them if needs be. He might say he'd agree to all that but no one can really know until it happens. I couldn't accept that risk. Good luck to you.

If he really wants to be elsewhere, I don't think that is necessarily selfish of him, if he has been honest from the start. It doesn't sound great as you have presented it, but I wonder if we asked his perspective what he would say? Peoples aims change over time, and if we are lucky in relationships we can find compromises and work things out together. But sometimes that is not possible. It sounds like you are both at an impasse. Perhaps a marriage counsellor could help you work through it together.

He seems selfish and irresponsible.

1. minimal effort with child
2. making you move 3 hours away from your family a few months after birth (who actually helped you and baby)
3. being funded by you to train.

what exactly does he contribute to the family? It kinda seems like you are funding and supporting his pipe dream. So if you went out to australia and divorced out there - as people have said - he may be able to keep you out there (as he may have a right to see his child even if he has minimal input in his life and you have to do all the caring minus grandparents). You do want different things - but ultimately it is far better for your child to have the primary carer happy and supporting adults around (I’m guessing your parents are more helpful than him - especially as he is away most of the week). So this trumps his reasons.

So many things are wrong or understandably not as you want them @SillySausage01 . No way should you move abroad with this flakey man. The whole plan is based on 'this time next year I'll be a millionaire' type of thinking, too.

You're not a silly sausage BTW. x

I hope that you are really going to take on board what most posters are saying here and that you will give it very serious thought.

I think you are a people pleaser and have been far more concerned about him than he's ever been about you.

The way he treated you when you'd just had your baby was indefensible and abusive and really, you should have left him then.

You are clearly very self-sufficient and I think you need to build on that and let him get on with his selfish and unrealistic dreams.

You’re feeling obliged to consider going because he says he lived with you in your hometown so you owe him. You owe him nothing. He owes you! You supported him financially. You are raising your kid alone and paying for everything. You’ve done more than enough. No other woman would put up with this. You shouldn’t move. Stay with your support system

I don't think he is going to change and he is being selfish by not taking your needs into consideration, only his own. Australia is a pipe dream, he isn't considering anyone but himself. I would leave now, while your son is still young enough to adapt easily. Definitely don't go to Australia with him, or agree to move every year in the UK. Let him go on his own.

This thread popped into my mind, you might want to read it, the OP's husband is a narcissistic twat.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4489542-My-important-husband-asked-me-to-create-an-instagram-page-spreading-awareness-of-his-brand?

Op, I've only read all your posts not all the replies but I get the gist they've been brilliant.

What struck me from the first is that this is about control. He probably doesn't see it that way, bullies often don't. There are different types of bully btw, they don't all call you mean names and push over you over. But they all do have to have their own way.

I had a partner like this. I loved him desperately and nearly married him. But he had very strong views on exactly how he wanted his life to be and that was that. He did learn to flex a bit during our relationship, or it would have ended much earlier, but ultimately his highest priority was getting what he wanted.

He actually told me "Kat, I like to get my own way and one or another I get always get it".

He tried pulling that ultimatum shit on me too - this is what I'm doing with or without you.

See why he's an ex?

I guarantee when you have some emotional distance you'll realise there are many more elements of control in your relationship than where you live now or in 5 years time.

And yes, he could be kind, funny, thoughtful, loving. But eventually I realised it was only ever rosy (and then it was wonderful ) when he was getting his way. Sounds like you're in the same position to me.

he is understandly making a lot of effort to come home at the weekend.

Don't cut him so much slack. He made his bed. He bullied you into moving (so badly you left!) while you were pregnant just so he could get what he wanted, when he wanted, without any care of you or your baby at all.

This is not a loving, caring man. This is not someone to spend your life with. It's especially heartbreaking for your child.

You can do better. You can be happier.

From your posts, it seems that you're the one doing almost everything for him and he doesn't give much back in return.

It doesn't really sound like you want to move to Australia? Or are you undecided?

Either way, you need to have a discussion with him about it. He doesn't get to just place an ultimatum on you like this, that's not how relationships work. He's planning to do whatever he wants, without considering you or your son. It's not just a little thing. It does sound quite 'radical', so do you think he's going to sit down and change his mind about it? Has he had other radical ideas in the past that he didn't follow through with?

Yeah, possible narcissistic traits / controlling behaviour / unhealthy relationship.

The way he treated you when you'd just had your baby was indefensible and abusive and really, you should have left him then

Nail on the head, @Nanny0gg

@SillySausage01

I'd stay, move around the country with him to his next job, and go to Oz. You can always return if you hate it, but you might love the lifestyle. Step outside of your box and explore the world

Are you the OP’s husband?

I’m in Australia and may be wrong but don’t think it’s as simple as he makes out. He can come due to Kiwi passport but that leaves yourself and your son stuck. I’m not sure if your son is eligible for a Kiwi passport by descent being a grandchild of original Kiwi or if too far back? If he is then he is fine to a point, if not then I don’t believe he can come?

While your husband can live in Aus with a Kiwi passport, I thought this only made you (and your son if no passport for him) eligible for a NZ spousal visa, not an Aus spousal visa. I thought you only get residency rights in Aus if the partner has the Aus residency in its own right, not defacto via NZ passport?

Also, irrespective, your DH and yourselves if even able to come, won’t be eligible for the full range of benefits in Aus as they are restricted to Kiwis here. So, if your son becomes disabled, is diagnosed with ASD etc there is no support benefits/system and there are other benefits restricted as well. Why would you sign up for this? I could understand him wanting to go to NZ and you go with him where you would have eligibility and full benefits if required but his current plan seems flawed. If you even think about considering it, I’d contact a specialist immigration service in Aus as I’m not sure those outside of Aus would be fully across the Kiwi/Aus interchange.

🤔That would be all good and well, if this were a healthy relationship and he hadn't placed an ultimatum on her! Her 'box' is one where she's at least got a support system around her.

@TheDangerOfIgnorance is your username deliberately ironic?

Do you really value yourself so little that you'll stay with a man who cares so little about you - and his son - that he puts more value on where he lives than on your relationship?

Not rtft but I couldn't stay with a man who had told me in advance he was prepared to abandon his child like this. Sorry op.

I read your post with sadness. I had a partner like this. He’s trying to wear you out till you give in. Is he always talking about it. Your husband comes across as a narcissist they are very controlling and selfish self centred and manipulative and they will do anything to get what they want. This amounts to forcing your hand and it’s emotional blackmail. He will make it seem as if your the unreasonable one for not going along with his nonsense. You would be leaving all your friends and family behind and he would have you isolated from everyone which is very much a narcissistic trait. It’s a big step to leave the country so I would say to him nearer the time you go ahead and we can follow in a few years but to be perfectly honest I would leave him now and get a divorce. You need to be strong for you and your baby, has this all entered his head whilst you were having the baby or just after. A narcissist will bury their head in the sand and create the fantasy of another life elsewhere as they can’t cope with real life. Does he have a temper, is he always angry, is he critical of you or others and thinks he’s perfect. Get a book on narcissist personality disorder read through it and if you think he is a narcissist then you need to be on your guard. What father with a baby would put their needs above you and your child. My sister lives in Australia and it’s so different to here. Listen to your friends and family. Does your husband have many friends and work colleagues and is he critical of them. I really hope you can get this resolved but if your not happy and he’s not listening then you deserve better. Don’t let him win at the end of the day he can’t have what he wants just because he thinks he can and even though it makes you unhappy it’s very selfish. Let us know how you get on.

So true. The misogyny is so blinding, isn't it?

*Sorry just to address him blocking me taking our son back to the UK I honestly don't think I'd have have worry about this, he would not be able to cope looking after him. Of course, by age 6 he will be much more independent so my husband may feel more capable by then.

I do tend to be very trusting and see the good in everyone so maybe I should be more concerned about this.*

You absolutely should be more concerned about this.
Many many women have been absolutely stunned by their exes behaviour after they split up.
He also could meet someone else who is quite willing to step into stepmother role.

I don't think the question is so much about whether I want to go or not, I haven't said I won't go but it is the fact he is saying "well I'm.goinv whether you come or not". At times this makes me think I'm saying no out of principle....?

I doubt it's out of principle.
He's telling you he'll be happy to get up and leave you and his son. Literally the last thing any person in a happy, healthy, secure family unit would say or want to hear.
If you went then you would still know he said it, you would still know that he had been willing to give you up, and that alone is marriage ending.

I’ve had something similar with an ex. It got to the point where he disregarded my opinions and feelings for so long, I felt we could no longer be together. This isn’t really about whether he does or doesn’t go, it’s about his total disregard to compromise and care about your happiness. There are men out there OP that would care about you and your feelings and opinions more, if he’s not careful he will loose you and you need to tell him that now.

Genuinely, this is really awful.

You are behaving honestly in the marriage and acting like a team player - compromising, supporting, trying to solve problems for the family.

He is not. He is not playing for your team. He doesn't give a shit. He is suiting himself and doing whatever he wants, with no thought to you or even his child!

I suspect there's more you've experienced than you've shared here and minimised to yourself OP. You need to wake up to the fact that there's only one person in this marriage - you - and cut your losses before things get worse.

You’re feeling obliged to consider going because he says he lived with you in your hometown so you owe him. You owe him nothing. He owes you! You supported him financially.

This is a good point from @needmorethanthis .

And a new mum wanting to be near where she has family etc is not unusual at all, you haven't placed any extreme and unreasonable demand on him OP like he's trying to claim.