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Original poster

HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

461 replies

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 13:35

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

OP posts:
theonlygirl · 27/04/2022 21:34

Herejustforthisone · 27/04/2022 20:24

Let me get this straight:

you went on holiday to Oz in 2018, during which time he decided to quit his job and go back to school.

White he did that, you bankrolled him entirely. He even did in pain internships, knowing you’d pay for him.

He made you move away from you family.

He left you, heavily pregnant, to move away for his own work. He wasn’t fully around for the beginning of his son’s life.

He forced you, at four months postpartum, to move to where he was working. He was awful to you/difficult to be around, so you moved to your parents and commuted to see him constantly, thus wrecking your maternity leave.

He’s now demanding you move away from your family, the only support you’ve had since your son was born, to wherever he decides to work because you somehow owe him.

He’s decreed that he’s moving to Oz in five years and he basically doesn’t give a shit if you and your som don’t want to go, because he is doing it anyway…

Fucking hell. I may have got a few things muddled but I don’t think I’ve ever read the like. Selfish is not the word.

This.

Such desires need to be shared and communicated at the relevant time so it can be talked through and joint decisions can be made. Honestly he sounds like a dick you'd be better off without. Start saving and get a plan in place.

Luculentus · 27/04/2022 21:36

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 17:04

@Luculentus he has a NZ passport through hid parent being born there.

So he really doesn't know anything about living in Australia or working there? I know people on here have pointed out that it really isn't as rosy as might appear - the cost of living is high, TV is crap, and in some areas it is incredibly hot and conditions are pretty tough.

Mandyjack · 27/04/2022 21:36

Get him to do some research about how he will get a visa, is he the right age, have the right occupation etc. He may discover he doesn't have much else.
However his willingness to throw away his marriage and child for the sake of going is concerning

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 21:39

Again thanks for your help. I had to work tonight because I barely did anything with reading all your comments this afternoon 😅

  • He is doing something in sport.
  • He doesn't do much parenting, no.
  • He was a nightmare because he said I was miserable for moving (at 4/5 months postpartum) and he actually made me leave one evening. I upped and left with baby and didn't return, this was when we nearly split. The way he made me leave was awful, not physical or anything but I felt I had no choice but to go.
  • He has improved drastically since then. But obviously he isn't seeing a lot of us with working away all week.
  • He has had major issues with his parents growing up. They'd fall out constantly.
  • His dad is nice but speaks terribly to his mum.
  • His mum is so bossy and this drives him mad. She isn't as bad with me, we actually get on alright.
  • I'm pretty sure his brother is on the spectrum and I actually suspect his mum as well. I wonder if my husband is as sometimes I feel like I cannot get through to him and the whole empathy thing - I guess I am trying to win an impossible fight. Although I know this is another topic entirely.
  • You all make points I have thought myself. It has actually made me laugh reading them aloud, because it does sound ridiculous coming from someone else.
  • what often comes up is that if I don't go I'm choosing to split us up, just the same as he is by going...which leads him to say that neither of us are wrong but we just want different things.
  • My family think the same as you all but have seen how he has improved in terms of his happiness since finishing his studies and starting this new job.
  • Moving around does not appeal at all. A few of.you have said it is not possible. Husband thinks whilst our LO is very little he will adapt to different nursery and we will settle when he is starting school. This is something that makes me very nervous.

Thanks for all.your nice comments.

OP posts:
Blinky21 · 27/04/2022 21:40

I'd wait 4 years, he might change his mind or you might

Mumof3confused · 27/04/2022 21:41

Did he tell you about this plan before you had children? And how have you managed to buy a house, is this all/mostly from your money/savings? If I were you, I’d look into getting a post-nuptial agreement because he might well take everything he can from you if you do split up in the future. He seems very entitled and money grabbing, and does not appear to care one big about your mental or physical health, or your emotions. His behaviour is not normal. He sees you on a weekend but he’s tired so he can’t even parent properly on a weekend, you also work full time as well as manage a child on your own around your job but let me guess - you do everything even when he’s around while he gets to put his feet up at the weekend? And he expects your ‘unit’ to move around the country and disrupt both you and your child’s life and support system because why? And in 5 years you are to move to Australia and put up with it or it’s bye bye.

Two questions to ask yourself:

What is in this relationship for you? What do you gain from being in it?

What would you say to a friend if she told you she was in this situation? Or your daughter?

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2022 21:44

can you honestly see this man managing to get a job to support you in Australia - stick with it and he happy.

Has he ever had therapy - he is very IF, if I just do this, if I just do that, if that just happens I will be happy.

There is no if though. Because the same issues are still there. He cant outrun them. And in his narrative you and your child together are merely bit players.

Get out now

PinkSyCo · 27/04/2022 21:49

PatientlyWaiting21 · 27/04/2022 19:51

Assuming he/you are all able to move there GO FOR IT! at least I would anyway, I love Australia, spent over a year there and I’d love to live there permanently.

What even with someone who is so blasé about pissing off there without you or their child? Fuck that. I’d pack his bags for him and tell him no point waiting, he can just fuck off now.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 21:49

I'll also add he talks like we are going. Because I have said I am not saying no, I guess this is why.

He also watches wanted down under or vlogs constantly about Australia. This drives me insane.

OP posts:
BrightonBunny · 27/04/2022 21:53

I would divorce him now as it seems inevitable and the older your DS is, the worse it will be for him.

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2022 21:54

He talks like you are going because you clearly always go along with him.

You now have your son to think of

777magic · 27/04/2022 21:56

I agree with the majority of the posters here, you need to leave this man.

He sounds very very controlling and manipulative.

He has made it clear that he doesn't care what you think, or about you. He has already used you in the past.

This is not a healthy relationship, it is not equal, he does not consider you, at all.

Please leave him, for both you and your child's sake.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 21:57

He did not say he wanted to immigrate before we got married but since about 2020, probably just before our son was born he got the idea to do it. I'll add that I was always against it and he knew this - hence his frustration in my reluctance to move. I have said I will move in the UK and Europe. I just don't want to be so far away.

My family think I don't want to move because of the relationship, he thinks I don't want to move because of my family 🙃 It's a bit of both.

He has not had therapy - no.

He is early 30's.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 21:57

SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 21:49

I'll also add he talks like we are going. Because I have said I am not saying no, I guess this is why.

He also watches wanted down under or vlogs constantly about Australia. This drives me insane.

Bottom line (from reading your posts) is that you do not want to go (and why should you? What about your life? Your job?)

So tell him. Your family is sadly broken either way but can you really picture living the next 5 years like this? And moving around the UK while you wait?

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2022 21:59

Oh, and imagine him behaving like he did before while your thousands of miles away from support...

Cameleongirl · 27/04/2022 21:59

Honestly, OP, I'd tell him that if he's going to make ultimatums like that, it's better that you split up. He isn't necessarily a "bad" person, but he sounds very mixed up and immature, tbh. It's possible that he'll mature and become a better partner, but I think you need to lay it on the line that he can't unilaterally make life-changing decisions like that for your entire family, it's ridiculous.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2022 21:59

Have you noticed on wanted down under it's nearly always the bloke who is way keener!!!

Mischance · 27/04/2022 21:59

Sometimes people have dreams and often find it hard to distinguish them from reality. You and I know that it would not be the dream if he moved to Oz - all his problems and the daily requirements to earn a living, clean the toilet etc. go with him. I do not know how you get him to unlock himself from this fantasy - and to be honest I am not sure you should even try. Let him go - I mean let him go from your life now, so that he cannot accuse you of stopping him following his dream. You have supported him following a number of dreams - but not this one. He will soon work out how hard life is without you there to pay the bills and support his every whim. Let him go to Oz and find out what the reality is. Send him off now, and get on with your own life with your son.

PriestessofPing · 27/04/2022 22:02

Essentially one of the many things that you’ve mentioned he’s done stands out the most to me, that he made you leave the house you moved to on his say so with your infant child. That’s really shocking and kind of sums him up.

As does the fact he’s not really done any parenting.

You’ve coped with so much in such a short space of time, so many horrible incidents and upheaval - during what should have been one of the most special times of your life, your pregnancy and the first year of motherhood. I’m really sorry that happened to you and you sound kind of numb almost. But it is very shocking to read.

I hope this thread is a good step for you towards extricating yourself from this situation.

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2022 22:02

The problem with moving is that you cant escape the mundane crap of everyday life.

You know it isnt going to work, it isnt going to fix anything.

Why are you continuing to hold onto what is clearly a broken relationship? He is a weekend father anyway

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 22:02

@777magic yes it does reek of control and manipulation but the reason I have continued for so long is that we have always sat down before he has done anything radical and because I am capable I've been able to support him through his studies. I am concerned that he has had a really tough time for a few years, which has made him depressed and generally not a pleasant person to live with, but now he is coming out the other end, where he will be in a position to support himself at least, and me should I be so fortunate 🤦‍♀️.

He is definitely has some narcissistic traits. My mum thinks he is. He is very self absorbed and obsessed with this new job.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 22:05

@PriestessofPing describing my feeling and thoughts as numb is probably accurate. I guess I've normalised it. However, it was incredibly tough. I really struggled and try not to think about it. I am doing much better now. Thank you so much for your message.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 27/04/2022 22:05

He is definitely has some narcissistic traits. My mum thinks he is. He is very self absorbed and obsessed with this new job.

Once you become a parent though, you have to start thinking about what's best for your child, not just you. It sounds as if he hasn't made that adjustment. I'm sorry, OP, he doesn't sound like a keeper to me - unless he really makes a big effort to start thinking of the entire family, not just his own needs/desires.

Original poster
SillySausage01 · 27/04/2022 22:08

@Nanny0gg I've thought this, quite a worry.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/04/2022 22:10

I am concerned that he has had a really tough time for a few years, which has made him depressed and generally not a pleasant person to live with

Has he though had anything that hasnt been on his own making.

You are going to have to make a choice as to who to prioritise - him or your son. Because he is just thinking about him