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Original poster

Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

150 replies

LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 19:19

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

lassof · 25/04/2022 19:45

Do I think you are being unreasonable? It's hard to answer that, really. It's not unreasonable to say no to sex if you don't want to have sex, but then again, women often don't feel that desire until they have started .... responsive desire.
Some men stay, some leave, I don't think either group of men are being unreasonable either. If you always had a low sex drive presumably sex was not that important to him but who knows.
I totally get that you could just be knackered. It's a hard stage

Gowithme · 25/04/2022 19:50

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

She's not withholding it from him to make some point, she genuinely doesn't want it. To suggest she should have sex with him when she doesn't want it just to keep him is grim.

He's being a passive aggressive abusive dick OP by trying to coerce you into sex by giving you the cold shoulder or ignoring you if you don't want it. I don't think this relationship should survive - not because you don't want sex, but because he is an immature abusive dick.

Gowithme · 25/04/2022 19:51

NO ONE should be having sex they don't want for any reason. The misogyny on here is sometimes quite shocking.

bellac11 · 25/04/2022 19:53

Have you tried going to the doctor?

I think for women the more you have it the more you want it, so if its not happening at all it sort of doesnt trigger the desire

But he shouldnt be acting in that way to you but it clearly needs sorting out as to what happens, its clear you're not meeting each others needs. H needs to be grown up about it to support you with it

blacktrousersgreen · 25/04/2022 19:54

How attractive - coercive, manipulative behaviour coupled with sulking and stroppy teenage boy behaviour. You've got a catch there. Not surprised you have no sex drive.

Lollypop701 · 25/04/2022 20:05

is Your partner parenting equally/ doing housework/life admin? Basically is he helping you to have the energy for sex? Maybe he’s the unlucky one and you don’t still find him attractive? When you say not having sex, is that his description or yours? Some people want it daily, get it twice a week and still say they never get any… Yanbu as I think there will be a backstory to what you have said. Although if you are never having sex, and it’s not an joint decision, it’s a problem.

SirChenjins · 25/04/2022 20:10

To be forced into having sex multiple times by a man who sulks if he doesn’t get it is the ultimate turn off - of course you won’t find that attractive, and most women with an ounce of self respect wouldn’t. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t contribute 50% of household chores or the mental load of raising a child either - overall, a man child who’s lucky he has a partner.

SirChenjins · 25/04/2022 20:11

To be forced into having sex multiple times by a man who sulks if he doesn’t get it is the ultimate turn off - of course you won’t find that attractive, and most women with an ounce of self respect wouldn’t. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t contribute 50% of household chores or the mental load of raising a child either - overall, a man child who’s lucky he has a partner.

Ionlydomassiveones · 25/04/2022 20:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:15

@Lollypop701

My partner works 6/7 days a week and does help with our son when he gets in from work but homework and life admin absolute no no.

OP posts:
Shunter350 · 25/04/2022 20:16

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

"withhold sex"...seriously?

Cakeandcookies · 25/04/2022 20:17

It is so difficult as after having a baby your hormones are all over the place and some women find they have a hormonal imbalance years to come. I still love and fancy the pants off of my oh but it is less frequent as little people take up so much time which is great but it can impact your relationship.

You shouldn't be having sex if you don't want to as you won't relax or enjoy it but maybe a chat with a doctor would help - you shouldn't feel pressure. This may not be relevant but was your birth straight forward or did you have any birth injuries as this can be psychological and be our bodies way of protecting us - just might be worth a thought. Hope things get better OP 🌻

rookiemere · 25/04/2022 20:20

Could you try couples counselling?

I also think marriages need some sex to survive generally, but the idea of him having sex with you multiple times in one day and night just because the baby is away sounds utterly revolting. You must be dreading child free time, rather than looking forward to it.

Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:20

I'm honestly not 'withholding sex' like I'm punishing him at all.

I just don't she the desire to do it. When I get a free minute or a child free night I'd rather relax and get an early night or catch up on some tv, together!

And as I said when we do have sex, he then wants it again. I try to explain to him that it's getting back into the swing of it and his constant pestering isn't exactly a turn on.

I know he's not 100% to blame. I do feel I've put on weight since having my son and I don't feel my best which I think is contributing to my not wanting sex.

I am going to go back to the doctor as I said and see if there's something hormonal going on or if it is just me.

I do love my husband but I've even said to him I feel like we're friends living together rather than a couple but I don't know if it's just more difficult just now because my son is young and now we have other priorities.

OP posts:
Ohsoworried · 25/04/2022 20:21

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

Ffs.

SirChenjins · 25/04/2022 20:23

LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:15

@Lollypop701

My partner works 6/7 days a week and does help with our son when he gets in from work but homework and life admin absolute no no.

Quelle surprise. Does he ever arrange dates without expectations of sex at the end? Does he ever cook you dinner without an expectation of sex? Does he organise for your DC to go to the DGP without any expectation? In fact, does he do anything at all to show that he’s just keen to spend time having fun with you, to chat to you, to do something you both want to do? Or is all about sex for him?

vipersnest1 · 25/04/2022 20:26

Anyone suggesting people can turn sexual desire on and off like a tap can fuck right off. Ditto anyone suggesting that sexual desire is something you need to keep ticking over, so to speak.
OP, I may be well off course, but I'm just wondering if he's only affectionate when he wants sex?

Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:27

@Cakeandcookies thanks.

No no major birth issues. Had a normal birth some some stitches afterwards.

I do not however want any more children and jags made this clear to my husband. I think he would be open to more if I was but I was 100% sure.

This is another bone of contention as I did not go back on birth control after I had my son, one because I had been on it for years before I had him and two I had fertility treatment and felt my body needed a break.

I have asked my husband to go and get a vasectomy as we are currently using condoms as birth control and can obviously be a bit of a mood killer.

My husband sometimes chances his luck and tries to have sex without one which I am totally against as I do not want to get pregnant and then he thinks I'm being unreasonable. One because we tried for years and it never happened and two he doesn't think it would be the end of the world if it did happen.

To me I would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:28

@rookiemere we had counselling pre-baby for other issues and I did find it useful but it was very expensive and we cannot afford it again :(

Yes it's not the best! As I said it's the total expectation and then I feel like I'm constantly disappointing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:31

@vipersnest1

No he can be very affectionate other times too. Sometimes he said even just a cuddle or a kiss makes him feel wanted but he doesn't always Feel like I initiate that either.

But then I feel like when and if I do he sees that as green light for sex!

It's a catch 22. I know it's partially my fault and not all his.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2022 20:34

I do love my husband but I've even said to him I feel like we're friends living together rather than a couple but I don't know if it's just more difficult just now because my son is young and now we have other priorities.

Are you happy as friends living together or is that something you want to change? If it’s the latter what are you doing about it? What’s he doing about it?

Sex is the one thing that makes a marriage or long term committed relationship different to other types of relationships. From his POV he wants more sex and that would get the relationship back to more than friends and it’s the one thing you’re not up for. A partner who tolerates it when you always initiate it feels awful and hammers your self esteem. You can read hundreds of posts on here from women in that position. They get much more sympathy than men who want the same thing - because this site is mostly female posters and it’s women who are more affected by hormonal changes through pregnancy, breastfeeding, babies and the menopause.

If you’d rather not ever have sex again or only do it reluctantly when he’s asked enough times, are you expecting him to be okay with it? What if he says it’s not enough and he wants to split up?

You shouldn’t be having sex you don’t want but he’s not unreasonable for wishing things were different even though he’s going about it the wrong way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2022 20:34

My husband sometimes chances his luck and tries to have sex without one

With your consent in the moment or without?

Because the cold shoulder sulking already sounds coercive and this could be too.

Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 20:41

@MrsTerryPratchett

He will try and I just say no and he will obviously stop but he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so against it.

He will say afterwards would it be the worst thing in the world or we tried for years and it didn't happen so I don't know why you worry so much.

He just doesn't seem to get that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I really really really don't want another baby.

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 25/04/2022 20:43

'My husband sometimes chances his luck and tries to have sex without one which I am totally against as I do not want to get pregnant and then he thinks I'm being unreasonable. One because we tried for years and it never happened and two he doesn't think it would be the end of the world if it did happen.' Well, that's a passion killer right there - you can't trust him to not run the risk of you getting pregnant.

'No he can be very affectionate other times too. Sometimes he said even just a cuddle or a kiss makes him feel wanted but he doesn't always Feel like I initiate that either.

But then I feel like when and if I do he sees that as green light for sex!' That's a bit contradictory. But, if I'm reading it right, you know that any affection from you leads to him expecting sex. Again, (you can correct me if I'm wrong), you can't trust him to just accept that you might just want to kiss / cuddle, etc.

If you can't afford counselling, I think the only way your relationship will survive is for you two to sit down and for you to be able to tell him what you've said here. He needs to earn your trust back if I've understood what you've said correctly. I would suggest that that means he has to be patient and appropriately affectionate, whilst allowing you to take the lead if you want it to progress to full sex - and that might take some time.