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Original poster

Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

150 replies

LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 19:19

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

OP posts:
gannett · 26/04/2022 07:57

OP's doing exactly the right thing and that's communicating with her husband about why her sex drive has gone down.

His response doesn't really show him in a good light. The sulking is one thing but the weirdness around condoms is a bit of a red flag. He should absolutely be respecting your views on contraception and having another child.

Assuming you don't actually want to leave him, the way forward is more communication, and being more direct. I think a bit of "it's not you, it's me" reassurance that you still love him and are attracted to him is necessary - but at the same time you should be very firm about the things that are in his control to help the situation. Top of the list is being crystal clear that you won't be having any more children and his choice is between getting a vasectomy or sex with condoms. Second is telling him that when he sulks it's a huge turn-off and makes it less likely your sex drive will return.

And then tell him what you've told us about holding back on intimacy because you don't want it to lead to sex - agreeing in advance that there'll be no sex removes the uncertainty for both of you.

You could perhaps think about non-penetrative sexual stuff as well? Plenty of options out there.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/04/2022 08:00

Doona · 26/04/2022 04:55

Exactly. They become more sensitive and improve their skills as lovers, take on more of the household burden so she gets more rest, find ways to make her feel cherished etc.

Show quote history

Really, so when people first meet the attraction is based on the man's ability to use a vacuum cleaner, wash up, and now change nappies.😂
Ok then.

Anyway, if intimacy in the form of sex isn't resumed on a regular basis this relationship is finished. I'm about to apportion blame, but it's done. People need to be honest with themselves.

Stabbitystabstab · 26/04/2022 08:02

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

This unfortunately.
I've had a couple of relationships where sex drives are different and they've ended.

Stabbitystabstab · 26/04/2022 08:10

Choopi · 25/04/2022 21:13

I know this is controversial but if my husband didn't want sex for a year and a half our relationship wouldn't survive either. The husband shouldn't be sulking about it if the OP has made it clear she isn't interested in him that way though and should just leave her instead. I understand that it can be difficult for men though because often it means living in a different house to your child most of the time. But yeah clearly if the relationship carries on this way it is dead in the water, most adults want sex and want to feel desired in their relationships it isn't groundbreaking.

Show quote history

Same. I've told my current partner it's non negotiable. If our libidos don't match I'm out of here.
Life is too short to be dictated to.
Also, can I point out to all the people calling him pathetic and lazy, the op stated he works 6-7 days a week and helps out when he gets home.
Seriously, mumsnet is like some bizarre bubble at times.

SScoobiedoo · 26/04/2022 08:19

I'm sure you said he doesn't do homework (housework), going out to work is often easier than dealing with baby at home and doing the housework. He works most days but it doesn't mean necessarily that he has the harder time.
Somehow he needs to pull his weight at home, or you could get a cleaner, or make it his job to cook evening meals every night.
Things need to be fairer, you need even a small amount of you time.

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:25

I would personally be fucked off with my partner and Co parent being out of the house for 6 to 7 days a week.

Not what I would choose @Stabbitystabstab . Your username speaks volumes 😅OP has been having sex for the last 1.5 years, just not multiple times in a 24 hour period. That and the H not behaving in a particularly alluring way, plus pushing a human out of your vaginas and getting stitched up, plus being up through the night with a baby, possible breastfeeding, which kills your libido.

If men want DC, which this man does (he wants more), they can't expect life to continue exactly the same as it was before, working whatever hours they feel like and expecting their partner to do all of the parenting for them.

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:25

I would personally be fucked off with my partner and Co parent being out of the house for 6 to 7 days a week.

Not what I would choose @Stabbitystabstab . Your username speaks volumes 😅OP has been having sex for the last 1.5 years, just not multiple times in a 24 hour period. That and the H not behaving in a particularly alluring way, plus pushing a human out of your vaginas and getting stitched up, plus being up through the night with a baby, possible breastfeeding, which kills your libido.

If men want DC, which this man does (he wants more), they can't expect life to continue exactly the same as it was before, working whatever hours they feel like and expecting their partner to do all of the parenting for them.

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:25

I would personally be fucked off with my partner and Co parent being out of the house for 6 to 7 days a week.

Not what I would choose @Stabbitystabstab . Your username speaks volumes 😅OP has been having sex for the last 1.5 years, just not multiple times in a 24 hour period. That and the H not behaving in a particularly alluring way, plus pushing a human out of your vaginas and getting stitched up, plus being up through the night with a baby, possible breastfeeding, which kills your libido.

If men want DC, which this man does (he wants more), they can't expect life to continue exactly the same as it was before, working whatever hours they feel like and expecting their partner to do all of the parenting for them.

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Duplicate post

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:27

Sorry about the multiple posts😬. Reporting.

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:28

Reporting multiple posts😬

Velvian · 26/04/2022 09:28

Reporting multiple posts😬

JustAnotherPoster00 · 26/04/2022 09:35

This reply has been withdrawn

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ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 09:36

shouldhavedoneit · 25/04/2022 22:23

Oh shut up !! Of course she is 'withholding' sex ... sex is a complete normality within marriage.. unless he has really pissed you off ,. and less you are a complete misogynist - good for you as for him.,

There is only one way that this will end. No sex for the husband means he will look elsewhere. No. It's not good. It will end in divorce and the kids going to him every other weekend. You may end up with a lot of money didn't expect. But is that what you really want? If you don't care about the effects it will have upon your family, or you think it might be a benefit to your family then I would say go for it. If you don't."!

Oh FFS, unless I’ve just time travelled to the 1950’s I can’t believe what I’m reading. Mismatched libido’s is NOT the same as withholding sex. That statement implies ownership, he has a right to his wife’s body on demand and she’s refusing his rights! HE DOES NOT!

ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 09:37

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ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 09:38

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stu71 · 26/04/2022 09:38

He should respect that you don't want sex all the time and sometimes just cuddled up on the sofa better

ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 09:39

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ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 09:39

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livi4545 · 26/04/2022 09:41

He should respect that you don't want to have sex all the time and sometimes just cuddled up on the sofa better

violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:42

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.

violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:42

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.

violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:43

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.

violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:43

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.

violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:44

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.