Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

[LemingtonPolly]

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

@AnneLovesGilbert oh 100%. I wish things could be more 'normal' I'd love to go back to having a healthy sex life where I WANT to have sex again and not just tolerate it.

But I don't know how to. I don't know why it's disappeared. As I said I never did have a high sex drive but I'd say our sex life was normal. Some months more frequent than others, some lulls.

I was even thinking the other day there used to be a times where I'd wake up and want to initiate sex myself or want to be close to allow it to happen but not I just can't think or anything worse.

I totally get it's not fair on my husband. I tell him often I don't know why he stays.

Its not unusual for your hormones to change but equally you're tired a lot and also fear of pregnancy is a massive psychological turn off, all things combined with someone who is putting pressure on you like that, there isnt really a surprise

However the next step is what do you want to do about it, what options are there and thats where your doctor may be able to help, probably better if you see a female doctor if possible

He will try and I just say no and he will obviously stop but he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so against it.

Love, that's not OK. It shouldn't matter why, it only matters that you have the boundaries. Tell him once more that you don't consent to sex without a condom, until you say different. Use those words. If he tries again, well there's a word for that.

What do you think people would advise if a man refused to have sex with his female partner for over a year, said he'd never really enjoyed it, and had no particular intention of ever starting again?

What would people say to a woman who contributed nothing to the running of the house or the mental load, and sulked when her husband didn’t want to have sex with her multiple times a night? I’d say sympathy would be pretty thin on the ground.

Of course, the massive difference is that men don’t get pregnant - but you’ve obviously chosen to omit that important fact from your whataboutery.

I'm sorry you don't understand what 'whataboutery' means @SirChenjins

I was pointing out that it's not 'misogyny' to say that sexless relationships - where one person wants to have sex - fail.

@SirChenjins 👍

I know this is controversial but if my husband didn't want sex for a year and a half our relationship wouldn't survive either. The husband shouldn't be sulking about it if the OP has made it clear she isn't interested in him that way though and should just leave her instead. I understand that it can be difficult for men though because often it means living in a different house to your child most of the time. But yeah clearly if the relationship carries on this way it is dead in the water, most adults want sex and want to feel desired in their relationships it isn't groundbreaking.

I understand whataboutery perfectly, but I enjoyed your attempt at inferring otherwise. Coercive behaviour and sulking in an attempt to get your partner to have sex is deeply unpleasant - and especially so when your partner has attempted to explain their reasons for feeling that way.

@SirChenjins
I understand whataboutery perfectly, but I enjoyed your attempt at inferring otherwise.

Do you mean implying?

I wasn't implying it. I said it.

My post wasn't whataboutery. There's nothing misogynistic about stating that a relationship in which one person unilaterally refuses to ever have sex is going down the toilet.

People use misogyny all the time on here incorrectly

I think without knowing what the husband feels its also difficult to use terms like 'sulking' and 'cold shoulder'. If he is feeling rejected or confused by OP, not even wanting cuddles etc thats going to be a difficult emotion to manage.

I often go quiet after an argument or difficult time, if Im confused or unsure of how to broach something but Im not sulking.

Which is not what the OP is doing.

You're not unreasonable. You and your H are incompatible though, and he's not very nice about it.

Do you want to stay married? Would you be ok with a sexually open marriage or something like that?

If you and H communicate well and want to stay together I think you could reach an agreement. But he doesn't sound like he communicates well. And open relationships are not for everyone.

Either way - don't have sex you don't want to have. Sorry you're in this situation it's tough.

They had sex last week FFS. It's not a sexless marriage. Using stupid bloody examples to make a point isn't helping OP.

It's not ok for him to say you should feel 'lucky' he still wants you. RUDE

It's not ok for him to not use a condom when you've said you do not want to get pregnant.

It's not ok for him to sulk /give cold shoulder when you don't want to have sex multiple times or at all.

If someone did these things to me I for sure would not want to have sex with them...

If you're wishing you felt like sex with him, like you're not sure why you don't..that's different...

But nothing other than the OP developing a sex drive will help. Her husband has a normal sex drive and would like sex more than just on 'special occasions', the OP has no sex drive and doesn't want sex. They aren't compatible. One of them needs to grow the balls to end the relationship then maybe they can both be happy.

Have a look at the book ‘Come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski, I really liked how she explained that some people are slow to get aroused and others get there easily, and that some people get ‘out of the mood’ easily and others can maintain arousal. I fall into the don’t get aroused easily and easily distracted category, anything from tiredness, stress, thoughts of day to day worries, listening out for my child etc put me off from sex. Things I’ve found helpful: partner that puts no pressure on me, reading stuff that arouses me, masturbating on my own and with partner, being playful and doing kissing, hugging etc little and often, putting music on to block out ‘distractions’ (my brain just seems to fill any silence with thoughts about what to make for dinner), using vibrators, encouraging partner to give oral / have sex that involves him pleasuring me…otherwise it can be: he initiates, I’m miles away from being ready, I try and get into it, but just focus on penetrative sex and once he orgasms it stops - after a while that just puts me off altogether. There has to be no nagging, cajoling and a taking responsibility for birth control from him.

I have NC because this is SO un-MN ... but nonetheless the truth

I was married to a great man.. a really great man .. loved his kids .. did house work, shared childcare.. the whole 9 yards ... really nothing to complain about . BUT... I went off sex . He was kind . He was understanding.. he didn't force ANYTHING.. but I got lazy ... I couldn't be arsed .. I had what I wanted .. babies !! Bliss.. my love and attention was for them.

Move on 4 years . He tried everything. Date nights , kids away, .. everything but I was not that person.

Eventually we separated and divorced... I met a man.. had great sex but never felt the same .. my kids suffered separation from their dad . (In my opinion not enough suffering for my sex life)

Irony .. he (new DH has had a medical condition that we haven't had sec in 9 years...)

My advice beyond all else is that 'fake it till you make it' is all you need .

And she’s not going to develop a sex drive while he’s behaving like a spoilt child who’s sulking and telling her she’s lucky he’s still around. Vom.

The best thing to do - if they want to stay together and do want to have sex that’s meaningful for both of them - is to take penetrative sex (and the pressure for it) off the table and focus on rebuilding the relationship through communication, fun, intimacy, cuddling, romance, sharing of chores and the mental load and so on, and rebuild from there.

Women’s bodies do not belong to men! Sex cannot be withheld from men, they don’t own it! Capisce?

Your not on the same page OP. The reasons for not wanting sex were not given at the start of the thread. How many DC do you have? Have you discussed on a serious note nit having more kids. Tbh I would take contraception if you definitely don't want anymore because it's YOU who will fall pregnant possibly.

She’s not withholding sex. She doesn’t want it because he’s tired, busy and is under pressure from her husband, who is a petulant, sulking sexy pest, who punishes her with silent treatment. His own behaviour is probably the main reason why she does want sex.

You think the OP should have sex against her will just to ‘please her man’ and if not, she should deal with the consequences?

You need help.

She’s*

Does not*

Fuck sake!