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Original poster

Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

150 replies

LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 19:19

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 26/04/2022 09:44

On a basic level, I could not have sex with someone who was unwilling to listen to my views on birth control, due to lack of trust. It sounds like you have expressed your wishes quite clearly OP (no sex without birth control) but your DH does not agree so is behaving passive aggressively on this point by trying it on even though he knows you're against it. This alone would be enough to put me off.

I also think it sounds like you've got into a bit of a negative cycle where he (feeling deprived of sex) wants as much as he can get, which creates pressure on you, making you less likely to want to have it (particularly as he wants you to have sex sans condom knowing this is against your wishes). It's a self reinforcing cycle which I think can only be broken by some good communication about what each of you needs. You need to be able to express clearly what your needs are, and he needs to understand that the constant pressure for sex is having a detrimental effect, as is constantly trying to undermine you regarding birth control.

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 10:13

The fear of an unwanted pregnancy can kill a sex drive imo. You need a wider conversation too but Maybe start with him understanding this and getting it sorted ?

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 10:14

The fear of an unwanted pregnancy can kill a sex drive imo. You need a wider conversation too but Maybe start with him understanding this and getting it sorted ?

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 10:14

The fear of an unwanted pregnancy can kill a sex drive imo. You need a wider conversation too but Maybe start with him understanding this and getting it sorted ?

ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 10:39

shouldhavedoneit · 25/04/2022 22:23

Oh shut up !! Of course she is 'withholding' sex ... sex is a complete normality within marriage.. unless he has really pissed you off ,. and less you are a complete misogynist - good for you as for him.,

There is only one way that this will end. No sex for the husband means he will look elsewhere. No. It's not good. It will end in divorce and the kids going to him every other weekend. You may end up with a lot of money didn't expect. But is that what you really want? If you don't care about the effects it will have upon your family, or you think it might be a benefit to your family then I would say go for it. If you don't."!

Oh FFS, unless I’ve just time travelled to the 1950’s I can’t believe what I’m reading. Mismatched libido’s is NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex. That statement implies ownership, he has a right to his wife’s body on demand and she’s refusing his rights! HE DOES NOT! I’m so sick of hearing this statement!

DoubleGauze · 26/04/2022 10:56

I'll be blunt op. I chickened out of posting this last night as it's personal.

I felt like you do in my first marriage. Exh was like your husband - once had to be be at least trebled and he didn't respect my boundaries in bed at all. He called me frigid and expected me to perform as if I was on camera. Basically , I felt unsafe in bed with him. He also did nothing for our kids and slept through our youngest child's wake ups over the years. In spite of all of this I believed I was the problem.

I left him , and after years alone I decided to start dating again. Turns out I'm not frigid after all, I just didn't want him near me.

Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 11:23

DoubleGauze · 26/04/2022 10:56

I'll be blunt op. I chickened out of posting this last night as it's personal.

I felt like you do in my first marriage. Exh was like your husband - once had to be be at least trebled and he didn't respect my boundaries in bed at all. He called me frigid and expected me to perform as if I was on camera. Basically , I felt unsafe in bed with him. He also did nothing for our kids and slept through our youngest child's wake ups over the years. In spite of all of this I believed I was the problem.

I left him , and after years alone I decided to start dating again. Turns out I'm not frigid after all, I just didn't want him near me.

I have to say that I too have been in this situation
its all very well for people to point the finger and warn women in this situation that ‘he knows what to do ‘ or the relationship will end ….
but the reality is a man who is pushy and doesn’t take the time to understand why his partner may have gone off sex with him can move on all he likes but he is very likely to find himself repeatedly in the same boat no matter what woman he is with.

ilikemethewayiam · 26/04/2022 11:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Pyewhacket · 26/04/2022 11:51

Look for a full time job. You're gonna need it.

LimeSegment · 26/04/2022 12:36

She's just not having as much sex as he would like (several times a day) or without BC (which he would like). If that's withholding sex, not having sex multiple times a day without BC, I think most of us are withholding sex, surely. I certainly am!

Yes, I think to comment we need to know more about how sex less this relationship is. Some people think it's been pretty much nothing for 18 months, as I'm reading it, it's actually pretty often but just not as much as he would like.

I've been in a relationship with a man like this and nothing kills your drive more than a sex pest. It's a mistake to ever agree to sex, because that will lead to him begging/pestering/insulting you because you don't want to go a second and third time, or go more than an hour, don't want to make a video, don't want to go without a condom. You can't even risk showing affection, as even squeezing his hand will lead to the above. It's just not worth it.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 26/04/2022 14:07

mycatisannoying · 25/04/2022 19:34

Just don't expect your relationship to survive. I really think women who withhold sex need to be aware of this before it's too late.

Everyone is getting annoyed at this post, I think because the term used was "withhold sex". I've no idea what's wrong with that phrase - when you get married you're in a sexual relationship. Your partner is the only other human on the planet that your "allowed" to have sex with (assuming it's a conventional marriage). If one person then decides that sex is no longer on the table, then they are withholding something that was previously shared.

You can't just expect the other person (who does want sex), to be okay with that. People who have a healthy sex drive, feel sexual desire most days - you can't just switch that off, like a tap. It's even harder, to be sharing a bed (probably naked), with a person you love and desire, when you get nothing back. It's like being on a diet, but having to live in the cake shop.

Anyhoo, yeah, chances are the relationship will not survive. I've seen how this plays out, more times than I can remember. He might not set out to cheat, but if the opportunity presents itself (drunken party for eg), and he doesn't feel desired at home, or sexually fulfilled, then chances are he will stray. Maybe not soon, maybe not for few years, but this definitely has a shelf life.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 26/04/2022 14:15

Oh FFS, unless I’ve just time travelled to the 1950’s I can’t believe what I’m reading. Mismatched libido’s is NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex. That statement implies ownership, he has a right to his wife’s body on demand and she’s refusing his rights! HE DOES NOT! I’m so sick of hearing this statement!

Of course, he does not own her body, and the Op can choose not to have sex with him ever again.

Equally, he can (and most likely will), decide to seek out a sexual relationship with another woman.

To think otherwise is incredibly naive.

JollyGoodBunting · 26/04/2022 14:29

I didn't like sex with my ex because he was selfish in bed. The only good thing about it was that it never lasted more than a minute.

I'm currently having a fling and the sex is amazing, he really wants me to enjoy it and the result is I want sex with him all the time.

From what you've said, I can understand why you don't want sex with your DP. He needs to put some work in to making sure you enjoy it.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 14:39

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 10:14

The fear of an unwanted pregnancy can kill a sex drive imo. You need a wider conversation too but Maybe start with him understanding this and getting it sorted ?

This an excuse. We are all at risk... of pregnacy unless you don't have sex that's the only guarantee. I'm with the posters saying OPS partner will eventually stray.

I'm am utterly facisnated OP has 1 child, she has family support... so these are excuses parenting is tiring yes! However it's like the wanting another child issue it's often make or break.

OP is perfectly entitled not to want to have sex however the it's sold on MN all too often that the other party MUST be OK... perhaps he is fed up of OP??

YouAreNotBatman · 26/04/2022 16:11

Seriously scary comments here.
No wonder rape culture is live and well.

How is anyone supposed to have sex that they don’t want?
That is going to break a person, sooner or later.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 16:13

If he’s the kind of man who sulks when he doesn’t get sex multiple times when he demands it, does very little of anything to help in the house or share the mental load, and tells his partner she’s lucky to have him then yeah, I’m sure he’ll have the ladies queuing round the block for such a fine specimen of a bloke.

Honestly, some of you sound so lacking in self esteem that you think any man child is better than no man. So sad.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 16:39

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 16:13

If he’s the kind of man who sulks when he doesn’t get sex multiple times when he demands it, does very little of anything to help in the house or share the mental load, and tells his partner she’s lucky to have him then yeah, I’m sure he’ll have the ladies queuing round the block for such a fine specimen of a bloke.

Honestly, some of you sound so lacking in self esteem that you think any man child is better than no man. So sad.

He works 6/7 days. Hoe many does OP work? OP said he does help with year child

It was the admin part he does not help. Tbh that's fair enough if he's bringing home all the money!

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 16:39

How*

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 16:48

Homework (I presume that’s a typo and she meant housework) and admin

But definitely, if he thinks that women are going to be queueing round the block for him and he that he ‘deserves’ sex whenever he wants it then he should absolutely go for it.

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2022 17:19

If a partner who knew I didn't want kids came near me without a wrapper on even once, it would be totally over for us. 'Forgetting' is not excuse and trying to talk me into it is just fucking creepy.

I mean what kind of asshole does that.

Everything else aside that would be me out of there like the bloody roadrunner. Not a chance would be be getting near my nether regions ever again.

No wonder you don't want to sleep with him.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 17:26

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 16:48

Homework (I presume that’s a typo and she meant housework) and admin

But definitely, if he thinks that women are going to be queueing round the block for him and he that he ‘deserves’ sex whenever he wants it then he should absolutely go for it.

Your opinion is extremely one sided. The OP has one child not 4. She has not stated she works... and her DH works 6/7 days a week which is quite a lot tbh. He does help with the DC.

I don't know how old OP is or her DH but why would her DH have a vasectomy when he would like more kids????
If OP is certain she doesn't want kids let her get HER OWN TUBES tied.

Crumbler · 26/04/2022 17:30

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 26/04/2022 14:07

Everyone is getting annoyed at this post, I think because the term used was "withhold sex". I've no idea what's wrong with that phrase - when you get married you're in a sexual relationship. Your partner is the only other human on the planet that your "allowed" to have sex with (assuming it's a conventional marriage). If one person then decides that sex is no longer on the table, then they are withholding something that was previously shared.

You can't just expect the other person (who does want sex), to be okay with that. People who have a healthy sex drive, feel sexual desire most days - you can't just switch that off, like a tap. It's even harder, to be sharing a bed (probably naked), with a person you love and desire, when you get nothing back. It's like being on a diet, but having to live in the cake shop.

Anyhoo, yeah, chances are the relationship will not survive. I've seen how this plays out, more times than I can remember. He might not set out to cheat, but if the opportunity presents itself (drunken party for eg), and he doesn't feel desired at home, or sexually fulfilled, then chances are he will stray. Maybe not soon, maybe not for few years, but this definitely has a shelf life.

Show quote history

This all the way. Anyone who disagrees just doesn't live in the real world.

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 17:42

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 17:26

Your opinion is extremely one sided. The OP has one child not 4. She has not stated she works... and her DH works 6/7 days a week which is quite a lot tbh. He does help with the DC.

I don't know how old OP is or her DH but why would her DH have a vasectomy when he would like more kids????
If OP is certain she doesn't want kids let her get HER OWN TUBES tied.

Show quote history

I must admit I am confused about why the OP is not using contraception when its her (rathe than him) who is firmer on her position that she doesnt want to get pregnant. I would do everything I could to ensure that, bar abstinence. You cant expect someone else to take responsibility for your own contraception.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 18:15

Your opinion is extremely one sided. The OP has one child not 4. She has not stated she works... and her DH works 6/7 days a week which is quite a lot tbh. He does help with the DC

Not at all. Just because someone works 6 or 7 days a week doesn’t give them the right to act like a spoilt child by not speaking to their partner when they refuse to have sex multiple times in one night (or less than their partner would like). It also doesn’t absolve them of sticking a few dishes in the dishwasher after they’ve eaten, or cleaning a bathroom once a week. This man does nothing, according to the OP - doesn’t arrange date nights, or a night in front of the TV with a glass of wine and a takeaway, chatting and laughing. Demands for sec and a reminder of how ‘lucky’ the OP is about all he thinks he needs to put into the relationship. What a catch.

Maggie178 · 26/04/2022 18:22

I'm in the opposite situation. My husband was seriously ill and although he's recovered his sex drive is now very low whilst mine is still the same. The fact he no longer wants sex makes me feel unattractive. I feel like he doesn't want me. Sex isn't just sex it's about connection and intimacy. I feel very rejected when he says he's not in the mood and question what's wrong with me. Not sure if this helps but wanted to share my experience as he may feel the same.