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Original poster

Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

150 replies

LemingtonPolly · 25/04/2022 19:19

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 26/04/2022 18:26

Maggie178 · 26/04/2022 18:22

I'm in the opposite situation. My husband was seriously ill and although he's recovered his sex drive is now very low whilst mine is still the same. The fact he no longer wants sex makes me feel unattractive. I feel like he doesn't want me. Sex isn't just sex it's about connection and intimacy. I feel very rejected when he says he's not in the mood and question what's wrong with me. Not sure if this helps but wanted to share my experience as he may feel the same.

May I ask how it’s connection and intimacy if the other person doesn’t want it?

(Just to be clear, I’m not being mean, it’s just I’ve read this being said so often and I just don’t understand why people want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it, let alone call it ”intimacy” and ”connection”.)

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 18:27

Maggie178 · 26/04/2022 18:22

I'm in the opposite situation. My husband was seriously ill and although he's recovered his sex drive is now very low whilst mine is still the same. The fact he no longer wants sex makes me feel unattractive. I feel like he doesn't want me. Sex isn't just sex it's about connection and intimacy. I feel very rejected when he says he's not in the mood and question what's wrong with me. Not sure if this helps but wanted to share my experience as he may feel the same.

Yes and I suspect that your feelings of rejection are probably visible in your demeanor afterwards, perhaps you're a bit flat or quiet, withdrawn. I doubt people on here would accuse you of being sulky or coercive about it though, its a natural reaction to feeling like that. You're not going to be trotting around full of beans are you?

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 18:34

@SirChenjins your opinion is very harsh on OPS DH. What do you think OP can do? What do you suggest? Because OP IS accountable and your narrative will lead to an affair on her DHs part I'm not sure why you think OP isn't responsible also. You have bypassed quite a few points as it fits in with your own narrative.

There's a few blunt comments on here and I think although it sounds a little mean they are trying to get OP to be realistic. Women probably are better handling going without sex but the majority of men are not wired like that... but as usual they will be someone to come along and claim other wise. It's OPS marriage if she wants to continue sexless that's on her!

Choopi · 26/04/2022 18:44

Not at all. Just because someone works 6 or 7 days a week doesn’t give them the right to act like a spoilt child by not speaking to their partner when they refuse to have sex multiple times in one night (or less than their partner would like). It also doesn’t absolve them of sticking a few dishes in the dishwasher after they’ve eaten, or cleaning a bathroom once a week. This man does nothing, according to the OP - doesn’t arrange date nights, or a night in front of the TV with a glass of wine and a takeaway, chatting and laughing. Demands for sec and a reminder of how ‘lucky’ the OP is about all he thinks he needs to put into the relationship. What a catch.

I don't think anyone is saying that sulking is acceptable just that a relationship is dead I'm the water without sex for most people with a normal sex drive. Would I arrange dates for someone I have no intimacy with, someone that doesn't make me feel cherished or desired, someone that continually rejects me? No. I can't say I would be arsed. Would I feel distant, unloved, disconnected and resentful yeah probably. I wouldn't sulk but I wouldn't be simpering around doing chores and making fake conversations(I say fake because I wouldn't feel like having fun times with someone that continually rejects me) in the hopes that just maybe my OH will magically grow a sex drive, I would work on making my own life as full as possible preparing for a split.

Neglect in a relationship breeds neglect, the OP has been neglecting a really basic human form of connection within their relationship. To put this all on the husband is wrong in my opinion. He's checked out, that's clear to see and I don't blame him. It doesn't seem like the OP thinks much of him anyway so I think they are both flogging a dead horse at this stage.

Maggie178 · 26/04/2022 19:13

YouAreNotBatman · 26/04/2022 18:26

May I ask how it’s connection and intimacy if the other person doesn’t want it?

(Just to be clear, I’m not being mean, it’s just I’ve read this being said so often and I just don’t understand why people want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it, let alone call it ”intimacy” and ”connection”.)

Show quote history

Well it's not. Who wants sex with someone who isn't enjoying it but just going through the motions? But having had a very passionate and adventurous sex life previously I long for what we used to have. I miss it. I feel like I've lost something. Something we used to share only with each other is gone.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 19:29

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 18:34

@SirChenjins your opinion is very harsh on OPS DH. What do you think OP can do? What do you suggest? Because OP IS accountable and your narrative will lead to an affair on her DHs part I'm not sure why you think OP isn't responsible also. You have bypassed quite a few points as it fits in with your own narrative.

There's a few blunt comments on here and I think although it sounds a little mean they are trying to get OP to be realistic. Women probably are better handling going without sex but the majority of men are not wired like that... but as usual they will be someone to come along and claim other wise. It's OPS marriage if she wants to continue sexless that's on her!

I’ve already suggested solutions.

All this ‘he’ll have an affair if you don’t give him all the sex he wants’ is really tired - that women are still raised to believe it’s their duty to give their husbands and partners sex and never to ‘withhold’ it is so sad. I’m so glad I wasn’t raised that way and neither was my DH - and we’re raising our DC in the same way.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 19:34

Presumably you have sex with your husband and even if you don't that's your choice. You haven't suggested anything it's all about putting the blame on OPS DH.

Why should he have the snip?? For what reason? Why isn't OP on contraception? It's not making sense. You know nothing about how her DH has been raised so stop assuming.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 26/04/2022 19:35

Eugh,, it's all about him. He gives you the cold shoulder if he doesn't get sex, he tells you you are ''lucky'' he still finds you attractive Confused
Not surprised you don't want to sleep with him.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 19:39

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 19:34

Presumably you have sex with your husband and even if you don't that's your choice. You haven't suggested anything it's all about putting the blame on OPS DH.

Why should he have the snip?? For what reason? Why isn't OP on contraception? It's not making sense. You know nothing about how her DH has been raised so stop assuming.

If you read the whole thread carefully you’ll see what I suggested. And equally, if you read my last post carefully you’ll note I wasn’t making any assumptions about how her DH was raised.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 19:44

I won't respond to your one sided view after this. "I'm so glad I wasn't raised that way" I'm sorry what way? You ARE implying OPS DH has been raised in some type of way you disapprove of AND then you went on to say how you are raising your kids in the same way as you and your own DH.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 19:56

That’s fine - no need to respond.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 19:57

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 19:56

That’s fine - no need to respond.

The irony 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Choopi · 26/04/2022 20:14

All this ‘he’ll have an affair if you don’t give him all the sex he wants’ is really tired - that women are still raised to believe it’s their duty to give their husbands and partners sex and never to ‘withhold’ it is so sad. I’m so glad I wasn’t raised that way and neither was my DH - and we’re raising our DC in the same way.

Seriously? That's what you think women who believe sex is a normal, natural part of relationships think 😂It's not about duty. Do you know that sex can be fun for women too, that it's natural for women to have sex drive, that it's natural to seek that connection with your partner? That when you are married that is the one person you can seek that important connection with? Duty my arse.

Nobody has said she must have sex they have just said that the majority of relationships don't survive when one partner has a normal, healthy sex drive and one partner doesn't. If you ir your husband would be happy to spend the rest of your lives celibate or only having sex on 'special occasions' more power to you but that's not realistic for most.

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 20:25

I’m not sure you’ve quite grasped the meaning of irony..

SirChenjins · 26/04/2022 20:31

Choopi · 26/04/2022 20:14

All this ‘he’ll have an affair if you don’t give him all the sex he wants’ is really tired - that women are still raised to believe it’s their duty to give their husbands and partners sex and never to ‘withhold’ it is so sad. I’m so glad I wasn’t raised that way and neither was my DH - and we’re raising our DC in the same way.

Seriously? That's what you think women who believe sex is a normal, natural part of relationships think 😂It's not about duty. Do you know that sex can be fun for women too, that it's natural for women to have sex drive, that it's natural to seek that connection with your partner? That when you are married that is the one person you can seek that important connection with? Duty my arse.

Nobody has said she must have sex they have just said that the majority of relationships don't survive when one partner has a normal, healthy sex drive and one partner doesn't. If you ir your husband would be happy to spend the rest of your lives celibate or only having sex on 'special occasions' more power to you but that's not realistic for most.

A normal sex drive is one thing - pressuring your partner for sex multiple times in one night or every time their DC is at their DGPs at the expense of intimacy, dates, conversation and so on and then sulking and not speaking to them isn’t normal. Of course, it might be for you - I don’t know. If it is then I feel for you, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Choopi · 26/04/2022 22:21

A normal sex drive is one thing - pressuring your partner for sex multiple times in one night or every time their DC is at their DGPs at the expense of intimacy, dates, conversation and so on and then sulking and not speaking to them isn’t normal. Of course, it might be for you - I don’t know. If it is then I feel for you, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Again no one is saying that sulking is right, they are just saying that her relationship won't last without sex because most normal, healthy adults have sex drives. Having sex on 'special occasions' isn't enough, it ruins the connection in relationships, it ruins the thing that separates relationships from friendships, it ruins intimacy.

Without those connections why would you want to date? I don't date mates, I don't wine and dine mates, I don't flirt with mates, I don't have the spark that makes a relationship a relationship with mates. My relationship is perfectly healthy and one of the reasons is that we have regular sex, it is daft to pretend that if dh suddenly went off it tomorrow it would have no effect on our relationship and I would just trot on as normal. Take one ingredient out and you fuck up the whole cake.

SScoobiedoo · 27/04/2022 08:25

Many people work shifts, away (nurses, sailors? army? lorry drivers) and thus do without sex with their partner every night - it's really not on that you are there like a blow up doll. He needs to learn to have a quick w.....!
Sadly unless he changes in his attitude - do you really want this pestering for the rest of your life?

ValerieCupcake · 27/04/2022 09:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Absolutely. The cat will be much less annoying than this MNetter. Not got a clue.

C0rBlimey · 27/04/2022 18:36

OP as a practical step that's within your control, how ablution if hormonal contraception doesn't work for you, could you look into the coil or another alternative? At least this would remove pregnancy fears and you wouldn't need condoms which you say kill the mood a bit so you could relax a bit more?

SScoobiedoo · 27/04/2022 19:14

I can't see where it says the age of your baby. I would say it's normal for sex drive to drop when you have a baby - I mean your head is full of baby needs/planning etc Sex is imv likely to be pretty low in priority.
Speak to your GP, maybe there's something they can offer. Could it be the fact you don't want another child which is unconsciously affecting your attitude (especially when DH is demanding so much sex.

Countdownis35 · 27/04/2022 19:32

@SScoobiedoo OPS DC is 18 months

me4real · 27/04/2022 20:53

He is being sexually coercive and emotionally abusive by throwing strops @LemingtonPolly Angry

777magic · 27/04/2022 22:15

me4real · 27/04/2022 20:53

He is being sexually coercive and emotionally abusive by throwing strops @LemingtonPolly Angry

Exactly this. OP, you'd be better leaving him, he is a creep.

Original poster
LemingtonPolly · 01/05/2022 13:35

Thanks everyone.

I have made an appointment with GP to discuss the issue and check it's not a hormonal thing.

Also think, as much as I don't really want to, I will have the coil fitted which takes away that anxiety of pregnancy.

I had a long chat with my husband about how I feel and why and he has agreed to cool it and go at my pace. He also agreed we need to get the intimacy back and not just in terms of sex.

Let's hope it helps.

OP posts:
me4real · 01/05/2022 16:33

Welll done @LemingtonPolly . I'm sure your hormones etc are fine. Low libido happens sometimes. I have it sometimes and it's just the way it goes, or sometimes if I'm depressed. Having a different libido to someone else is not abnormal.

Also, a lot of peoople on the relationships board have said they had a low libido with their ex but it came back with their current guy.

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