Partner wants sex all the time and I have no interest

[LemingtonPolly]

My partner wants to have sex all the time but I have zero interest.

We have a one and a half year old toddler and it's been the same since he was born.

Pre baby I didn't have a high sex drive either but did have some interest in sex. However since my son was born I have no desire to have sex whatsoever.

My husband was very understanding at first but now I feel like it's a total area of contention in our relationship. When we don't have sex when he 'expects it' I.e. when my son stays at his grandparents or when we have a night alone or his birthday. He goes in a massive mood and doesn't speak to me or mopes about.
I've tried having a chat with him and explaining my take on things.
He says all the right things at the time but then it just comes back round again.

When we do have sex, for example this week when my son was away he wants his several times in the one day or night. Again when I don't want to more then once I get the cold shoulder or ignored.

He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get.

I also get sex is an important part of a relationship but we have a young child and I do think things will get back to normal when we aren't see deprived and busy with work etc.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I have said I will contact my GP to see if it's maybe a hormonal thing. I found coming off birth control before helped improve my sex drive but I'm not on any now and haven't been for years.

Oh shut up !! Of course she is 'withholding' sex ... sex is a complete normality within marriage.. unless he has really pissed you off ,. and less you are a complete misogynist - good for you as for him.,

There is only one way that this will end. No sex for the husband means he will look elsewhere. No. It's not good. It will end in divorce and the kids going to him every other weekend. You may end up with a lot of money didn't expect. But is that what you really want? If you don't care about the effects it will have upon your family, or you think it might be a benefit to your family then I would say go for it. If you don't."!

I always find it interesting that some will bang on how important sex is to men and how women should ‘expect consequences’ if he doesn’t ‘get it , yet fail to understand women have equally as important needs
For most women , feeling desired exclusively by a non sleazy, non coercive man is absolutely essential in order to feel any desire to have sex
I can only imagine if someone posted to give their sexual attention to other women ie use porn, are sleazy or push their wives for sex that they shouldn’t expect their marriages to last
Not saying OP h did those things but clearly men can look outside the relationship for sexual gratification without it being a threat to the relationship according to the mentality of some , yet a woman is not able to not want sex
as usual huge double standard where mens ‘needs’ must be met at any expense to women whereas womens needs are not important

She's having sex. She's just not having as much sex as he would like (several times a day) or without BC (which he would like). If that's withholding sex, not having sex multiple times a day without BC, I think most of us are withholding sex, surely. I certainly am!

Fuck I wish people would read.

There’s some really weird responses on here. We all need to remember that women’s bodies are their own and no-one has the automatic right to them. I do know how you feel op. Since having a child I have lost my libido completely. I try to respond to dh but when it comes to it I freeze and can’t bear to be touched. It’s like being violated, I can’t bear it. It’s horrible to do it to my lovely dh and it’s a huge issue in my marriage too as you can imagine. I don’t feel like the same person since becoming a parent though - I have to fake-happy all the time, I’m constantly at every else’s beck and call, don’t have any fun or real friendships and am in a constant state of fatigue and anxiety. Sex just feels like yet other demand
and something the old me used to do. I don’t feel like her anymore, I’m just getting through the days. So you’re not alone and I’m sure there are many others like this. So don’t feel like you are abnormal or failing in your wifely duties. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. Seeing the GP might be a good idea, there may be ways you can improve your overall wellbeing and perhaps that would lead to you feeling differently about intimacy.

@shouldhavedoneit, how about you shut up? Or, alternatively, grow up. You don't appear to be in control of yourself.

so Are men withholding affections and the ‘need ‘ some women have to be cherished if they push their wives to have sex?

do you also assume that women are incapable of staying faithful if their emotional needs arnt met ??
should men who don’t meet their wives emotional al needs also expect them to find someone else , because that sure sounds like a lot of men from what I read here and hear from women

You didn’t meet his need to be right ….

I'm a bit gobsmacked by a lot of these comments. So it doesn't matter how the man behaves, how unappealing, entitled, sulky, moody etc, how he tries to avoid using contraception; if he wants sex he should get it, and if the woman won't open her legs for the sulky, moody, entitled man then she shouldn't be surprised if he goes elsewhere.

Men are not owed sex. Women do not have to have sex with men who treat them badly in the hope that sex will stop them treating them badly (it doesn't btw, it's just a brief respite).

How could any woman feel turned on in those circumstances? OP I don't think you've lost your sex drive, I think your body is responding quite naturally to the repulsive behaviour you're presented with.

Crikey, are you ok? It seems like you’re not ok.

@Littlebylittlelittle, I will forever be endlessly shamed by it not.

"He tells me that I should be 'lucky or happy' that he still finds me attractive after all these years and still desires me which I get."

Wow charming!! You should feel "lucky" that he still finds you attractive! That's so rude. Any wonder you don't feel like having sex with him... I'd want to slap my partner if he said this to me

She’s not withholding sex anyway. She just doesn’t want it several times a day or as often as he does. What an incredibly misogynistic post by @mycatisannoying .

I don't feel any woman should have sex if they don't want to. If that means the end of the relationship then so be it.
Its just awful having sex to keep the peace.
My sex pestering ex was never satisfied, I rememebr over one bank holiday weekend we had sex 25 times and he was still moaning throughout - it isn't adventurous enough, not enough positions bla bla. I think there is something wrong with men like that.
Trust me you'd want sex with the right man.

I totally get it's not fair on my husband. I tell him often I don't know why he stays.
Stop selling yourself short, I’m not surprised you don’t want sex! If he sometimes tries without a condom you probably can’t ever relax during sex in case he’s trying that. Have you ever said it upsets me, so when you say it doesn’t upset you all I hear is I do not care how you feel. I suggest you implement a hard rule zero sex for two weeks minimum with no asking and no comments and no sulking every single time he tries without a condom.

It's not fair on you. You're not getting your sexual needs met.

Let's be honest, the driving factor for the vast majority of people in relationships is the benefit of added intimacy both emotional and physical. Otherwise we'd all just have a load of friends and that would be that.

When physical intimacy stops it can feel like rejection. And reactions to that can be sulky and guilt-tripping type behaviour.

The no vasectomy issue is mostly separate. The DH sounds like an arse in this aspect especially if OP is adamant about no more kids then he should ensure he always wears a condom or gets the snip. It could be a bit of a spiteful way of saying well if you are not bothered about the physical aspect of our relationship anymore, why would I bother getting the op done, I'll just put no effort in (perceived by the DH) like you.

Anyways, either something has to change or the relationship won't last. If a reinvigorated sex drive is not forthcoming then could the OP consider opening the relationship to a degree?

I think men soon work out what to do when they love and want to stay with their wife and children but aren't having sex at home.

Exactly. They become more sensitive and improve their skills as lovers, take on more of the household burden so she gets more rest, find ways to make her feel cherished etc.

I can see why you're unhappy op.

He sounds like an unpleasant man. He tries to have unprotected sex that you've not consented to , and when you do have sex once is never enough.

I think it really depends on what you want going forward OP. You have said a couple of times you would like to get back to having a "normal" sex life, so it sounds like this is probably temporary. Your husband's behaviour is making it worse. I would find this so off putting.

I think it would help to have a chat and set some boundaries for both of you. You mentioned you are reluctant to initiate physical contact because this leads him to expect sex. If he wants to work on this, he needs to take sex off the table and take the pressure off you. Then set aside a little time each day to re establish that connection with him-kissing/cuddling until it feels natural to build up to more intimacy. He absolutely needs to show some patience and self control for this to work. And by self control, I mean he has to stop badgering you and expecting sex. That has to be his commitment to you, whilst your commitment to him is to try and rebuild intimacy. But it needs to be gradual.

No one, absolutely no one, of any gender should be pushed into having sex they dont want. Its not OK. Its also not OK to be made to feel bad for not wanting to. Equally, its OK for someone to want to have sex as part of their relationship.

You might find that your sex drive starts to return a bit by taking the pressure off and trying just kissing and progressing that gradually. But he needs to manage his own expectations and to be honest expecting it several times in one night is frankly ridiculous for the vast majority of people most of the time.

Talk to him. The sulking has to stop. If he wants an adult relationship he has to work on it. You clearly want to make it work. He has to show the same by being willing to change his behaviour. Its completely fine he wants to have sex. But that doesnt compel you to have sex when you dont want to. If this becomes long term, it might be a compatibility issue. If he carries on how he is, it is more likely to become long term.

Dont do anything you dont want to. You owe him nothing. But if you do want to try and re establish your sex drive, this is where I would start. You set the pace.

I sorry but you are naive about this. Whilst if you don't want sex, that's your choice, it isn't reasonable long term as it is the basis in which a marriage is founded. If you want to be friends then hopefully you can be but get real and realise that isn't likely to be in a husband and wife relationship. That is reserved for people that want a relationship that normally includes a sexual one

Sorry but this is not the case for OP. OP never had a high sex drive to start with. The issue here is on OP because she has clearly stated he DH was understanding at first..

Unless OPS DC is getting up through the night still I think she is making excuses and she needs to be honest with her DH. The problem here is OP!

You would be happy for the relationship to be sexless. You know that but you haven't told him that because you don't want the marriage to end. It really is hugely common and painful. It happened to me.

I left. And discovered that actually I have a v high sex drive I just wasn't that compatible with my ex husband. With my partner, we are equally matched and much much happier.

You have a young kid, sex drive does go down. Sometimes terminally unfortunately. I do agree with PP. A person's sex drive can be radically different with different people.

Him being grumpy etc, I don't think its helpful to label this coercive control. Perceived rejection will cause a reaction. Sometimes visibly, obviously its not hugely mature, and it won't help, but a huff isn't domestic violence.

The problem is whether you want the marriage to work. It can't, without sex. And nobody should have sex against their will. If you want to try - he needs direction because his approach is obviously not working. If the issue is tiredness etc what does he need to do? Does all sex need to come off the table? Does he need to take the kid(s) out more? You mentioned the weight is bothering you, if you want to change that - do you ever get the chance? Are you able to get out for walks? Etc. In other words id ask - do you want it to work? And if so try the most obvious practical stuff.

I think opening the marriage as some have suggested is a disaster if you are both monogamous by nature. It will eventually break down

I feel for you @LemingtonPolly . Being expected to have sex more than once in 24 hours, when it's already an effort for you is absolutely miserable.

Far from 'withholding sex' (not possible) I can see that you are already having sex that you don't want for him.

Expecting sex to be a part of a relationship is a reasonable expectation. Thinking that another human owes you sex is totally unreasonable.

Stop putting the onus on yourself. Your DH needs a serious think about how to make himself a more desirable partner.

DH sounds like a rapey bastard. Coercion and being tricksy with contraception are not known aphrodisiacs. I would honestly LTB, you don't ever have to have sex with him again.

One day if your mind and body are free, you may find that you actually want to have sex.