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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2022 20:39

And for making the decision not to have a child in spite because of the very good reasons not to

corrected error.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 20:41

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 20:08

I could never love a man more than I love my children, even though they are now adults.
Your children are irreplaceable, whether you get on with them or not.

@LoisLane66

so do you become replaceable when you get older then? What’s the cut off? When you’re under 18 you’re technically a child and then after an adult so you’re replaceable essentially disposable? Cos that’s what you’re saying here.

Kids are not more important than adults, we’re all just people.

would you be happy someone treating your son or daughter as replaceable just cos they’re an adult?

safclass · 25/04/2022 20:42

I was a teenage mum. Met my now husband and after a few yrs tried for a family. It didn't happen. Initially it was down to me, hormones non existent etc and we decided as a couple to try IVF/iui. We then found out he also has issues. I know that makes our situation different but unless he's been checked there's no guarantee he could father a child.
I'm not sure I could come back from his comments. He has the right to have those thoughts, just as a woman who wants children could, however I think I'd be heart broken in the manner it's been put across and i'd struggle to ever trust him if I stayed with him.
Being unable to have a child is a massive pressure if it's what you want. I'm past the age of children now but hearing of a younger colleague now expecting has turned my tears on because the pain is still there, it's raw at times.
He has been honest but in a very hurtful manner and it's that which I'd be struggling with.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you x I hope you cope with this X x

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 20:43

No one and I repeat no one would berate a woman for leaving to achieve motherhood if she was with a man who couldnt have kids.

You can't say this with absolute certainty. I certainly would think a woman who left her ill husband was an arsehole.

From OPs later post, this man really does want it all his own way. He wants a baby. But he doesn't actually want to be the primary career of said baby. Just wants to 'support' his theoretical wife during the pregnancy and then presumably leave the actual parenting to her.

I stand by my earlier post that he's a shit. OP I think you may well be better off down the line if you cut him loose.

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 20:47

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 25/04/2022 20:38

OP, I don’t want to sound misinformed or as though I am downplaying your mental health condition because I certainly am not and if anything, I can relate as I, too, have quite a bad mental health condition that affected me both during and after pregnancy, but is medication completely out of the question for you?

She’s made her health situation perfectly clear for the purposes of the thread. Just listen to her. Don’t push.

I am listening. I am also responding. I’m allowed to do that. If the OP doesn’t wish to answer my question, she is also allowed to do that.

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 20:47

itsmeagainlol · 25/04/2022 20:02

He sounds like a POS because, would he feel like this if his child had been disabled? Would he have said this isn't the life I envisioned and leave? No one gets the perfect life they expect, so if he feels like this, best he be gone.

Exactly this.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/04/2022 20:49

JanisMoplin · 25/04/2022 18:52

It's reminding me- unpleasantly- of my home country India where men leave their wives for being "barren". That's considered terribly primitive but this is apparently ok..

Yes, it seems that some of us on the thread haven't evolved as much as others.

bellac11 · 25/04/2022 20:51

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 20:43

No one and I repeat no one would berate a woman for leaving to achieve motherhood if she was with a man who couldnt have kids.

You can't say this with absolute certainty. I certainly would think a woman who left her ill husband was an arsehole.

From OPs later post, this man really does want it all his own way. He wants a baby. But he doesn't actually want to be the primary career of said baby. Just wants to 'support' his theoretical wife during the pregnancy and then presumably leave the actual parenting to her.

I stand by my earlier post that he's a shit. OP I think you may well be better off down the line if you cut him loose.

No one is 'entitled' to a relationship or should expect someone to stay with them if its not meeting their needs anymore.

He has set his stall out of what he thinks he wants (he may never find that) and its not what the OP can deliver, not her fault but just fact.

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 20:58

I would agree that a relationship would be bad if it only existed due to a feeling of obligation and therefore if he's not fully 'in' thrn the OP is better off without him.
I do also agree that people can leave a relationship at any point, so it's not about the OP being 'entitled' to a relationship. I just can't imagine loving someone so much that I married them and then leaving them over an illness that they couldn't help!

Yes, the husband has every right to leave. But wanting to leave makes him a shallow, faithless and not good enough for the OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/04/2022 20:58

JoeGoldberg · 25/04/2022 18:53

Absolutely 100%

Show quote history

I'd disagree. Alcholism and drug addiction cause nothing but misery, stress and poverty to everyone around them and the other person carries the burden and stresses of everything on their own because of it. It permeates through everything, and the effects are often passed around multiple people, not just the couple. The other person is treated like shit, can't trust the other person, is often emotionally abused. This is simply not the same as a couple who is unable to have children between them - a couple who is able to still live a very happy and fulfilling day to day life, can still treat their partner with respect, provide mutual fulfilment and trust. Can continue to ENJOY life. They are so not the same I'm shocked you can't see it.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 20:58

@LuckySantangelo35
that makes NO sense

My children will always be my children, irrespective of age
Just as my brother will always be my brother
My cousin will always be my cousin

and so on…

herbologist · 25/04/2022 20:58

I'm sorry you are in this position OP, it must be very difficult. It is difficult for your DH too. He married with the expectation of having a family. He has every right to want that for himself. Also, without meaning to sound harsh living with someone who has a severe MH illness is extremely hard and emotionally exhausting. He may not feel able to cope with it long term. That is also his right. My BIL is in a similar position, and when he spoke to his PIL they told him that if he felt he needed to leave then he should, with their blessing. As his DW's parents they understood as they also experienced the fall out from her MH struggles.

The posters attacking your DH are being unfair, and a woman in his position would be treated very differently on here.

Original poster
Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 21:01

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 20:47

I am listening. I am also responding. I’m allowed to do that. If the OP doesn’t wish to answer my question, she is also allowed to do that.

Show quote history

I am on medication,a high amount. Without it I would not be alive. Pregnancy on the amount of medication I'm on could be dangerous for a fetus,but without it I would be in danger.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 21:03

and a woman in his position would be treated very differently on here.

Some of us have said otherwise. I'd still think she was shallow and a dick. Especially if it had been expressed in the way this dh has spoken

Gardenista · 25/04/2022 21:09

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 20:05

So many really good comments. Thankyou.

I'm torn as others seem to be too,that he is awful for even thinking of leaving me for a hypothetical child, and he is being honest and has every right to leave me to have the possibility of children.

I feel really broken as I wanted a child with him,I wanted a family together but now that wont happen.

My condition is a severe mental health one which fluctuates but pregnancy would make it worse,and i would be 99% likely to have severe PND and could harm a baby. my husband would need to be the primary carer for any child as I couldnt be relied on. He doesnt want this. The child would suffer having me as a mother,as much as that hard to admit.

I wouldnt be able/allowed to adopt or foster a child due to my mental health.

I feel such a failer as a wife. I logically know it's not my fault but I also feel I've let him down,I cant work and now I cant give him children.

@Notmyfault1 - I don't know your mental health diagnosis but my experience is that I was diagnosed with bipolar illness in 1999 ( I was 21). I had mania. At that time I was advised my mental health meant I would never be able to become pregnant and have my own child because of the medication I needed to take, and the risk of PND.

13 years later in 2013 I wanted to have a child and saw a perinatal psychiatrist who changed my medication to a mood stabiliser and anti depressant that are safe for pregnancy and breast feeding. I now have a very healthy 6 year old child.

I'm not sure I would be able to adopt due to my bipolar diagnosis, but my daughter and I are both thriving. I'm not sure what your MH diagnosis is but I would push to see a perinatal psychiatrist who can give you relevant advice - many psychiatrists are out of date with their training and things have moved on.

I wish you all the best

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 21:10

I can’t imagine what you must have gone through at work for it to have such a devastating effect on you but it must have been horrific and I’m so sorry 💐

LightEveningsAreBack · 25/04/2022 21:14

That's so so tough and such a shit situation for you, but if he wants biological children and you can't give them to him you should respect his difficult decision. I know people who have decided to stay and people who have left to have the children they really wanted. My brother decided to stay, his wife couldn't have children and they only realised once they were married, his wife all credit to her said to him if he really wanted children she'd respect his decision to find someone else. He is childless which is very sad to watch, he would have made an amazing dad. I don't think your husband is trying to hurt you or deserves to be called shit like other posters have, it's a shit situation for him too, I'm sure he doesn't want to leave.

IVFPrayingForBioChild · 25/04/2022 21:19

OP don't give up.
You'll meet someone that will support you through your tough times if you do decide to go ahead and have a baby.
Speak to your parents, siblings. Could they help you with the baby whilst you deal with your mental health?
Your partner is lazy and selfish.
He doesn't want to be the primary care giver.

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 21:22

@LuckySantangelo35
Sorry that you misinterpreted my post.
I wrote 'even though they are now adults' to differentiate between young children and adult 'children' age wise, nothing to do with a cut off point for love, which is a ridiculous assumption.
Naturally, I love my AC just as much as I did when they were young and now some of them are grandparents.
Most people would know what I meant 'cos' that's the way my native language is written. 🙄

Spectre8 · 25/04/2022 21:27

Wow some of those responses about her partner are over the top.

OP said We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

So this implies that when they got married having kids would of been discussed and wasn't an issue. So both partners wanted children at the point they got married. Then over the years medical problems are now preventing that.

If one partner desires children and later on in yrs that is not an option then they have every right to go seek another partner who can.

Obviously its shit for the partner who can't have children.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/04/2022 21:28

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 20:43

No one and I repeat no one would berate a woman for leaving to achieve motherhood if she was with a man who couldnt have kids.

You can't say this with absolute certainty. I certainly would think a woman who left her ill husband was an arsehole.

From OPs later post, this man really does want it all his own way. He wants a baby. But he doesn't actually want to be the primary career of said baby. Just wants to 'support' his theoretical wife during the pregnancy and then presumably leave the actual parenting to her.

I stand by my earlier post that he's a shit. OP I think you may well be better off down the line if you cut him loose.

Where does it say he wants to leave all parenting to a wife? He wants a child and if he doesn't want it with someone that has severe mental health issues and would be a danger to a child (OP previous comment indicated this) then I can't fault him for that. I also can't fault him for not wanting to look after the child all by himself.

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 21:32

I am on medication,a high amount. Without it I would not be alive. Pregnancy on the amount of medication I'm on could be dangerous for a fetus,but without it I would be in danger.

Thank you for answering my question, OP and apologies if I came across intrusive in any way. I completely understand regarding the medication. I, too, was on heavy medication when I found out I was pregnant and made the extremely difficult decision to stop taking it altogether until after I had given birth. While it was best for my baby, it was definitely not best for me and for my mental health. I contemplated suicide and self-harm more times than I can count on both hands and as a result, would never ever ever have another child. DH wants another but I point blank refuse.

So I truly sympathise and I’m so sorry you are in this situation. 😔

SW1amp · 25/04/2022 21:36

How on EARTH have you arrived at any of those conclusions?

it’s just one stream of projection, and potentially/probably giving false hope to someone who has told you has fragile mental health
Absolutely gobsmacking

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 21:36

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 21:03

and a woman in his position would be treated very differently on here.

Some of us have said otherwise. I'd still think she was shallow and a dick. Especially if it had been expressed in the way this dh has spoken

There's just absolutely nothing shallow about wanting to have your own children, though.

I think people are focusing far too heavily on his comments about wanting to experience the pregnancy. That is somewhat silly, but wanting to have your own biological children is perfectly reasonable and in no way shallow.

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 21:38

@IVFPrayingForBioChild
Wow! That's a bit of a liberty. So you know that he's lazy? Where does the OP say or infer that?
He has as much right to think of his future without children as the OP has the right to make HER decisions.
He has no chance of showing his ability as a father if he stays with his wife. It won't be something he chooses on a whim.
You only get one life and it's best to have as few regrets as possible. I assume he loves his wife as they've been together for 10 years but the news that he'll never have a child to enjoy dad stuff with must have come as a huge blow, as it did to his wife.
It's unreasonable IMV, to berate a man for wanting to fulfill his dream of a family.

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