Page 8 | Husband leaving as I can't have children

Notmyfault1 · 2022-04-25T15:20:31+00:00

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new. We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant. My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together. I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty. I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain. Has anyone else been through this? I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain. Thankyou

Covetthee · 25/04/2022 20:01

MN posters love any thread when they can call a husband a shit..

its a crap situation OP but he also has a right to have what he desires and i hope whatever the outcome is you have your own happy ending whatever that may be

to all the ones condeming the man, just look at the all the threads of women desperate to concieve and see how many would stay with their partners if they couldnt (not wouldn’t)have kids.

Its always one rule for the women and another for men.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 20:01

I wouldn't have given up my chance of having children, all these people who are going on about marriage vows and love for a partner are pretty bloody nieve .

All you have to do is spend some time on relationship boards to see all those people who thought their marriage would last forever only for the oh to run off with someone else .

Sorry op, it's such an awful situation for you to be in

bellsbuss · 25/04/2022 20:02

I think as much as I love my husband if he was unable to have children I don't know if I could have stayed with him. I would have tried to but for me having children is what I always wanted and I think I would have ended up resenting him.

tillytown · 25/04/2022 20:02

I don't think the husband is wrong, if he knows he will never be happy without a child he should leave the marriage, he isn't a bad person for doing that. I've seen the same people who are insulting the husband tell women they should ltb when they want kids but their partners can't give them any.
Op, I'm sorry this is happening.

itsmeagainlol · 25/04/2022 20:02

He sounds like a POS because, would he feel like this if his child had been disabled? Would he have said this isn't the life I envisioned and leave? No one gets the perfect life they expect, so if he feels like this, best he be gone.

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 20:05

So many really good comments. Thankyou.

I'm torn as others seem to be too,that he is awful for even thinking of leaving me for a hypothetical child, and he is being honest and has every right to leave me to have the possibility of children.

I feel really broken as I wanted a child with him,I wanted a family together but now that wont happen.

My condition is a severe mental health one which fluctuates but pregnancy would make it worse,and i would be 99% likely to have severe PND and could harm a baby. my husband would need to be the primary carer for any child as I couldnt be relied on. He doesnt want this. The child would suffer having me as a mother,as much as that hard to admit.

I wouldnt be able/allowed to adopt or foster a child due to my mental health.

I feel such a failer as a wife. I logically know it's not my fault but I also feel I've let him down,I cant work and now I cant give him children.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 20:05

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 20:01

I wouldn't have given up my chance of having children, all these people who are going on about marriage vows and love for a partner are pretty bloody nieve .

All you have to do is spend some time on relationship boards to see all those people who thought their marriage would last forever only for the oh to run off with someone else .

Sorry op, it's such an awful situation for you to be in

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Hmmm…

similarly you only have to look on here to see the amount of women who deeply regret having children, whose quality of life is shit as a result, never get any time to themselves, etc etc. Or women’s whose kids have grown up and as an adult they have next to no relationship with them (through no fault of their own). Whose their then for them? Oh yeah their husband/partner.

So yeah I’d forgo my chance of kids for the right relationship

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 20:05

Load of thread where posters admit that if they had their time again, they would not have had children.
So I’m not least bit surprised to see some posters waxing lyrical re how selfish the DH is.

The idea of wishing I hadn’t had children if I had my time again is as utterly alien to me as not having children because my partner biologically can’t

AlternativePerspective · 25/04/2022 20:07

“”

Oh, I would call a woman who left her husband because of his illness a bitch as well.

The reality is that if you are prepared to dump your husband because of an illness then you didn’t really love them in the first place.

As I said, “in sickness and in health” doesn’t count for much it would seem. More like “in selfishness and in health.”

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 20:08

I could never love a man more than I love my children, even though they are now adults.
Your children are irreplaceable, whether you get on with them or not.

Knittingchamp · 25/04/2022 20:09

I'm so sorry OP. For what it's worth, he sounds like he has a fantasy idea of the pregnant phase and 'supporting his pregnant wife' as you're his wife and he's callous, cold and cruel and cannot even be a support to you, let alone a baby. I don't think he'd be a good father.

I think you, however, if you ever chose by adoption or surrogacy, would probably be a wonderful mum. Our families find us in many ways throughout life, and via birth is only one.

sixthformdropout · 25/04/2022 20:12

I’m pretty sure his marriage vows didn’t include “I will love you in sickness and in health unless you can’t give me the children I want.” He married YOU not the potential future family you may have been able to give him. If he truly loved you, he would find a way to come to terms with a life different to the one he expected. But no, he’s taken the easy option and dumped you to try and trade you in for a younger, more fertile model. I would be so angry if I were you, he’s a bastard. You deserve so much more, I hope you get it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2022 20:19

It’s easy for someone who has children to say well if it didn’t happen I would still be with him /her as love him /her

wanting a child for some is everything and eill try everything ivf, Conor eggs or Dortmund or even adoption to be a parent

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 25/04/2022 20:19

‘Sickness and health’ isn’t in the standard civil ceremony vows. MNers are happily anti-religion until a short quotation suits their needs.

JeffThePilot · 25/04/2022 20:23

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 19:25

I couldn’t just read and run. He sounds like a shit. He wants the experience of having a pregnant wife? He sounds about 15 years old. I would say you are well rid of him. Find somebody that actually understands the importance of the vows that you exchange when marrying someone. It sounds like it’s all about him and to hell with your feelings. If he treats you like that, can you imagine how he would treat his child? I would never want a man like that to be the father of my child.

Anyway, back to the most important issue here (you and your happiness), do you want children? Would you be willing to adopt? If these are not options for you and you would prefer a biological child, is surrogacy a possibility? You sound like you would be a wonderful mother, just not with that pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve better. 💐

You mean well, but the OP clearly explains that her health issues go beyond infertility and would directly impact her ability to parent a child. My situation is similar but I knew this before I met my husband so we were able to talk about it pre-marriage. A situation like that the OP and her husband find themselves in is simply heartbreaking and I don’t think it helps to fling insults.

OP I would give your husband some time to clear his head and do some thinking. He also needs to know that things might not work out how he’s planning even if he does leave (you both know better than most that life throws you curveballs). An ex of mine
was obsessed with having children - even back then when we were only 18. He later left his wife when she was told she had fertility issues. She now has a child with her second husband. He, now nearly 50, does not.

milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 20:23

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 20:05

So many really good comments. Thankyou.

I'm torn as others seem to be too,that he is awful for even thinking of leaving me for a hypothetical child, and he is being honest and has every right to leave me to have the possibility of children.

I feel really broken as I wanted a child with him,I wanted a family together but now that wont happen.

My condition is a severe mental health one which fluctuates but pregnancy would make it worse,and i would be 99% likely to have severe PND and could harm a baby. my husband would need to be the primary carer for any child as I couldnt be relied on. He doesnt want this. The child would suffer having me as a mother,as much as that hard to admit.

I wouldnt be able/allowed to adopt or foster a child due to my mental health.

I feel such a failer as a wife. I logically know it's not my fault but I also feel I've let him down,I cant work and now I cant give him children.

So sorry you are having such a hard time OP.

Just so I can give correct info, am I right in thinking it is a mental health as opposed to a physical health condition that has been caused by work ? Am I right in thinking you may be living with PTSD ?

SW1amp · 25/04/2022 20:26

Jeez, only one MN can we have hundreds of threads about sexless marriages where 99% of replies say that not having as much sex as you want is ‘soul destroying’ and a good reason to end a marriage

but something as important as having biological children is just him being selfish and he needs to get over himself?
Come off it…

what happened to the MN cliche, ‘anyone can leave a relationship for any reason they want’

OP, I really feel for you and your situation but I don’t think you’re going to get much comfort or sense from this thread based on the direction the replies are going

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 20:28

milkyway100 · 25/04/2022 20:23

So sorry you are having such a hard time OP.

Just so I can give correct info, am I right in thinking it is a mental health as opposed to a physical health condition that has been caused by work ? Am I right in thinking you may be living with PTSD ?

Show quote history

Indeed.

OP posts:

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 20:29

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 20:05

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Hmmm…

similarly you only have to look on here to see the amount of women who deeply regret having children, whose quality of life is shit as a result, never get any time to themselves, etc etc. Or women’s whose kids have grown up and as an adult they have next to no relationship with them (through no fault of their own). Whose their then for them? Oh yeah their husband/partner.

So yeah I’d forgo my chance of kids for the right relationship

Show quote history

Well I have younger children, one with autism who's dad lives abroad so I get very little free time

Also adult children who I have a good relationship with and grandchildren I certainly wouldn't give that up for any man

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/04/2022 20:30

MissusMaisel · 25/04/2022 18:18

I don't think it's at all fair to call him a dock, selfish, cruel, unfair.....

If you enter enter a partnership with the intent to have children, and that becomes impossible, it's ok to re evaluate that partnership as a whole. It's ok to want to have children and it's ok to leave a relationship when something fundamental to you has been lost from it.

If OP had posted saying she has always wanted children and that had become impossible due to an issue with her husband, I don't believe OP would have been called a selfish dick for considering ending her marriage.

Nobody has to remain with a partner when it no longer makes sense for them.

Not got to the end of the posts yet but I think that's a very very cold attitude, almost business-like, transaction-like.

No-one, but NO-ONE knows what is going to happen in life that could detrimentally affect any marriage. But that's why we take vows. And they're not just words, they're really not. People should take them seriously. Marriage means something. "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". It's not just something they say for a reality show. I took my vows, and still take them, very seriously indeed. If something terrible happens to my husband, through no fault of his own, eg he ends up physically disabled, he is made redundant through no fault of his own, he gets cancer, or has a stroke etc etc, I stand by him. Yes, as you say, something fundamental has been lost from it, but that WOULDN'T BE HIS FAULT.

It's quite different leaving a marriage because one party has DECIDED to change the terms and leaving a marriage because fate has changed the terms for you. Yes, marriages may break down anyway eventually because of the pressures of the second one, but no-one knows. To walk away at the first hurdle is not forgiveable.

Dinosauria · 25/04/2022 20:32

I am very sorry for your situation but can people please stop offering other women as a commodity.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2022 20:33

First off I want to express my admiration of you for facing what was surely a heartbreaking twist of fate with such courage and honesty. And for making the decision not to have a child in spite of the very good reasons not to. Many women would not have been as selfless and wise as you have been. I salute you.

I think you were right to tell your husband to leave 'for awhile'. You and he both need space to breathe and think about the future. Not only for him to think about his feelings that he 'must' have a biological child and his nonsense about 'supporting a pregnant wife', but also for you to think about his apparent lack of support for you in this time of emotional need and heartbreak. He's really made this all about him and his feelings, hasn't he? The fact that you are/may be mentally 'fragile' at this time is doubly uncaring of him as far as I'm concerned.

Obviously it is his decision to go or stay as far as the 'children issue' goes. But if he were to change his mind and want to come back, how sure are you that he will be a true source of support for you and your MH issues in the coming years? I think this bears thinking about.

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 20:35

JeffThePilot · 25/04/2022 20:23

You mean well, but the OP clearly explains that her health issues go beyond infertility and would directly impact her ability to parent a child. My situation is similar but I knew this before I met my husband so we were able to talk about it pre-marriage. A situation like that the OP and her husband find themselves in is simply heartbreaking and I don’t think it helps to fling insults.

OP I would give your husband some time to clear his head and do some thinking. He also needs to know that things might not work out how he’s planning even if he does leave (you both know better than most that life throws you curveballs). An ex of mine
was obsessed with having children - even back then when we were only 18. He later left his wife when she was told she had fertility issues. She now has a child with her second husband. He, now nearly 50, does not.

Show quote history

I have just read OP’s post again and to be honest, I still feel that the husband is placing his own wants and needs above hers.

How else is one to view a situation whereby a man is choosing to leave his wife because she cannot have children due to a severe mental health condition which he knew she had when he married her?

That’s selfish and thoughtless.

So no, I do not sympathise with him. I sympathise with OP.

OP, I don’t want to sound misinformed or as though I am downplaying your mental health condition because I certainly am not and if anything, I can relate as I, too, have quite a bad mental health condition that affected me both during and after pregnancy, but is medication completely out of the question for you?

Krakenchorus · 25/04/2022 20:38

I am so sorry, OP. It is devastating to have a mental health condition and then have your marriage break down because of it.

In the end, he is not committed to you. That's an awful thing to find out. And I think blaming this on having a baby is extraordinarily cruel of him. I suspect what he cannot handle is your illness, and all the various consequences of it (of which children are just one). Now that you are ill, his future does not look like the one you both had planned, so he wants to leave.

It is faithless of him. And maybe those of us looking on dispassionately can sympathise with the position this puts him in. But we would all be equally floored if in your place.

Do you have anyone you can discuss this with irl? I hope you have lots of support around you.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 25/04/2022 20:38

OP, I don’t want to sound misinformed or as though I am downplaying your mental health condition because I certainly am not and if anything, I can relate as I, too, have quite a bad mental health condition that affected me both during and after pregnancy, but is medication completely out of the question for you?

She’s made her health situation perfectly clear for the purposes of the thread. Just listen to her. Don’t push.