Husband leaving as I can't have children

[Notmyfault1]

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

On most threads the response is LTB and here it is till death do you part!

There are many people who ar desperate to be parents. They spend a lot of money on fertility treatments, surrogacy, and / or adoption because they want to be parents and aren't willing to accept not being parents. People go to great lengths and spend years and years putting financial and emotional energy into becoming a parent. So the parenting isn't all that and who cares if you have kids or not is a really weird response.

OP I am so sorry for the quandary that you are in. Is there any hope of your condition settling to the point you would be well enough to raise a child (via surrogacy or adoption)?

If you haven't done any fertility testing its possible he can't have children anyway.

Wouldn't it be prudent to make sure he is fertile before proceeding with any breakups on the basis that you are unable to have children?

@JeSuisFattyGay I agree wholeheartedly with you. I wouldn't have given up having children for my DH either.

Hi OP, firstly so sorry to hear you are going through this, it can’t be easy for you at all!

Have you explored all options? A friend of mine can’t carry a child as she was born without a womb, but does have ovaries. She went down the surrogacy route and they were able to use her eggs and husbands sperm and now have a beautiful baby. It’s not an easy route but they found a mutual friend who was lovely enough to offer!

I couldn’t just read and run. He sounds like a shit. He wants the experience of having a pregnant wife? He sounds about 15 years old. I would say you are well rid of him. Find somebody that actually understands the importance of the vows that you exchange when marrying someone. It sounds like it’s all about him and to hell with your feelings. If he treats you like that, can you imagine how he would treat his child? I would never want a man like that to be the father of my child.

Anyway, back to the most important issue here (you and your happiness), do you want children? Would you be willing to adopt? If these are not options for you and you would prefer a biological child, is surrogacy a possibility? You sound like you would be a wonderful mother, just not with that pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve better. 💐

So sorry OP, that must be devastating. I think there is a difference between abandoning someone who desperately wants the same as you but now will never have it and leaving someone who already has, or doesn’t want, that fulfilment. It doesn’t make it the right thing for him to stay but it makes the situation that much more cruel for the person left behind.

Yes and dealbreakers are all very well when you're dating. Any dealbreaker you want is OK. But once you commit to someone, discarding them because they can't give you what you want is cruel.

I think a lot of people really struggle to reconcile themselves with the fact that this is quite an old fashioned view of commitment and marriage and is no longer universal. Yes, with the best will in the world, people enter marrimages intending to stay together forever. But realistically the option to divorce is there and most people will use it if they are no longer happy. That's not a bad thing.

Real life is not a game show where you have to lock in your answer and then cannot change it. If the situation you're in isn't right for you you shouldn't stay just on principle that you made a commitment. It's one of the better things about modern life that people no longer feel they have to.

I'm so sorry, OP. This sounds desperately painful, but I don't think your husband is a dick, or a shit, or any of the other names he has been (and will be) called here.

We're very used to the narrative of women who are so desperate to have a child that they do extreme things, and I think we are often guilty of assuming that this very deep need to have a child is exclusively female.

That's so very sad. There's no way you can continue with the relationship now even if he comes back grovelling. You know how he feels and it is what it is.

I agree there is a difference, leaving because a partner “can’t” seems especially callous. But the end result for the partner that wants (and presumably can have) children is the same whatever the reason, they have to sacrifice ever being a parent and presumably whether it is because of a can’t or a won’t make that easier for them.

I read a thread only yesterday when a woman was told she needed to put her desire to procreate above her loving marriage at all costs, in fact I have seen similar many many times. I have never seen a woman being told she should put her relationship above her desire to have a child. That is what OP’s husband is doing, if he were a woman, he would be praised on here.

I am childless, not through choice, so I absolutely emphasise with the OP. In fact when I see the threads where the woman is told to put her desire to have children above her existing relationship, I sometimes think maybe they could just enjoy their relationship, but of course I have never said that.

Although on reflection my close male friend has two boys. There not his as he had low sperm count so his wife and him agreed on sperm donation . They have twin boys and are over the moon. I realised with my earlier comment that I hadn’t truly reflected on my comment, as if a couple are truly committed they will do everything as a unit to achieve there goal. So I take back my last comment / I have never had issues with conceiving that my comments are nonsense

@DangerouslyBored That's lovely, and I hope this all comes to pass!

Strangely, I knew two couples who were DESPERATE for a baby of their own.
They had IVF and eventually both couples had two babies in quick succession.

Initially overjoyed.

BUT.......... in both instances the marriages broke down soon after the births of the second children.

It was a real shock, as each couple seemed so ''Solid''.

My birth mother , bless her, was told she'd never be able to conceive, ever, due to her severe health condition.

she became pregnant with me, {she died tragically of the disease when I was 2 and a half yrs old} but maybe these days something more can be done??

Don't put your health at risk though.

This thread yet again emphasises the extreme immaturity of posters on here.

It isnt necessary to name call and denigrate the husband in order to support the OP. He isnt a 'baddie', he is a human being who has come to quite a difficult decisions by the sound of it and both of them are suffering with the losses to come of each other

I feel for you both OP, what a difficult and heart breaking situation.

I have a progressive disability. I fully intended on never being with anyone again due to the fact they would eventually be my carer. Then I met and fell in love with a man, I've told him from the beginning that I know he will eventually leave me when I become more disabled (and he didnt not agree). Its horrible waiting for it to happen.

I understand @Notmyfault1 as I'm in similar situation regarding having a baby but I don't have a partner.
I'd love a baby more than anything but I've got Schizoaffective disorder & there are lots of good reasons why I can't give birth to my own child, bring up that child etc. I've even discussed my options with a Perinatal Psychiatrist.
It's so upsetting. I'm also aware that at 45 & not yet menopausal, it's literally my last chance for a baby. Im so broody & I always wanted to be a mum which doesn't help.

I worry that I will meet a man who wants a baby, then I will have to be honest about everything which is so difficult.

I really feel for you on this situation.

@Libertaire

Speak for yourself!

I for one wouldn’t be telling a woman to leave her husband if he couldn’t have kids.

As I’ve said having kids isn’t the be all and end all, you only have to look on here the amount of women who regret having kids because it’s really compromised their quality of life.

A good, loving relationship with a partner isn’t all that easy to find and no way would I be advocating anyone male or female leave that for the sake of hypothetical kids they may never have

I agree with this 100%. I'm so sorry op

Anyone who leaves their partner because they are unable to have children is an arsehole. I don’t care whether they’re male or female, and I don’t give a shit about their biological need yada yada yada.

It’s one thing to leave a partner because they don’t want children. But it takes a special kind of arsehole to leave because their partner can’t have children.

Nobody would consider it acceptable to leave your partner because of any other illness, cancer for instance, a car accident that leaves them in a wheelchair? What the fuck happened to “in sickness and in health”? Or should people just accept that they’re disposable and should only expect a partner to be with them while they’re healthy?

I wish infertility on anyone who leaves because their partner can’t have children for medical reasons.

While I think it's a shit situation for you both. I don't think the husband is necessarily wrong. He wants his own biological children.

@MarkTheWise

and what if he is? Does he think he can toddle back to his wife and all be ok?! He can get to fuck

And yet, that’s what one signs up for with marriage.

I feel for him enormously, and if this was about ONLY children I’d sympathise. But it isn’t. He’s treating you disgustingly because since you married hm you’ve had the temerity to become disabled. Meanwhile, he’s mooning around dreaming of watching a pregnant wife (it’s not a bloody sideshow ffs) because for him parenthood and marriage can ONLY happen under the most perfect of perfect circumstances! What a complete and utter ARSE!

It’s not empathy to blindly take sides and inflame the situation.

you can support the OP and sympathise with her situation while also understanding how this might be difficult for the partner.

if I was the OP, I’d also find some comfort from the fact her DPs reaction isn’t intentionally cruel and hurtful, but the reaction of someone who’s had devastating news.

That’s so lovely @DangerouslyBored

@Awalkintime

behave yourself!

in a scenario like OP’s how the fuck could it be baby trafficking