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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End things while pregnant

234 replies

milkyway100 · 24/04/2022 06:48

19 weeks pregnant, 1st pregnancy. Very excited, looking forward to baby. My partner is also very excited, very much looking forward to baby coming.

However, I am beginning to find him so immature in other ways I want to kick him out, ( mortgage is in my name only, but he does contribute £400.00 pcm to bills).

It would be tight financially if I were to kick him out, as obviously I would lose that income and am currently got relatively high levels of credit card debt due to paying for a new boiler, (boiler completely and unexpectedly broke four months ago). I've now entered a repayment agreement with the cc company where they have frozen interest on the card for 9 months, but that is based on my current income which includes his £400.00pcm contribution to household bills. I guess I also know if he didn't live here i'd probably only be able to take 5 ish months off, as I am only entitled to 16 weeks mat pay at full pay, ( the rest is stat. pay). So it feels like it would be so much easier to leave things....but he's just unbearable,

  • Sulking/ complaining how "unfair," his life is if I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • Extreme jealousy if he feels/ perceives my friends are ever getting more attention than him.
My friend, who is registered severely sight impaired, came round yesterday evening, and he was fine until about 11.00 ish when she needed to go. He went to bed, ( he likes going to bed early), and started getting really irritated and calling me into the bedroom every five minutes to demand to know why she hadn't left yet. She hadn't left cos she was waiting for a taxi, ( cannot walk home due to her eye condition), and due to her eye condition, I need to walk her directly from our 3rd floor flat, down the stairs, into the taxi, as she cannot do this independently in the dark. There was a massive shortage of taxi's in our area and so it took an hour for her taxi to arrive, which wasn't my fault at all, but he was really angry about how "selfish," I was to wait up and walk her into the taxi; despite the fact her being registered severely sight impaired meant it was impossible for her to get from our flat into the taxi alone and he is aware of all of this. -Regularly slags me off to his/ my friends within earshot, e.g. was saying to my friend yesterday "needs to be more organised, she's useless compared to you." A couple of weeks ago, I had some of his friends round, was incredibly sick due to the pregnancy but managed to cook them all a two course meal from scratch. I only stopped cooking a few minutes before they arrived, so obviously the kitchen was a mess when they got here. He kept saying to them throughout the evening, "look what a mess Milkyway has made of the kitchen, " and dragged them into to see it, despite the fact I'd done my best to cook for everyone and was very embarrassed. -Never apologises for breaking my stuff. E.g am typing on my laptop now, it is literally falling apart as he roughly yanked it out my hands a few weeks ago. My phone charger is completely ruined as he "accidentally," broke it last night when borrowing it for his phone, ( I don't even know how he's done this but the metal charging point is bent off of it). It now won't charge anything, I've asked him to replace it/ pay for another one but he says no he shouldn't have to as it's a "genuine accident." If ever I say no to sex, he always responds with, "well that's so unfair, bet you wouldn't have said no to Tom." Tom is my ex, split up 12 months before getting together with my partner and have no contact with Tom at all, but he is insanely jealous of this previous relationship. Regularly uses Tom's behaviour as an excuse for his own, e.g. "it's not fair/ why should I have to buy you a Christmas present as Tom didn't ?"
  • Went for a long country walk over Easter weekend and he got fed up I was walking slower than usual cos of the pregnancy, started yelling at me that I was walking slowly "on purpose," to the extent other passer-by's looked uncomfortable.
I repeatedly challenge him on this behaviour, he apologises and then a week or so later does something else obnoxious/ horrible.

I don't even know where he gets the idea this is okay from, as his family, (who seem to like me quite a lot), regularly tell him that he is rude and obnoxious and they don't like how he speaks to me, and "joke," to his face that if he is not nicer he will be kicked out soon, so they don't seem to encourage him to behave thisway.

I guess I'm also worried about the stigma/ gossip of splitting up when pregnant,( my friends seem to lead "perfect " lives), but feel I can''t be the only person who's done that. Honestly, would it be terribly looked down on ?

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 29/04/2022 20:53

Wow. How on earth you've put up with this for so long is beyond me. I don't give it long until you realise this and wonder what you even saw in him in the first place. He sounds disgusting.

Stay strong you know you are way better off without this sorry excuse for a person.

newbiename · 29/04/2022 20:58

Bloody hell @milkyway100 with every update he sounds worse. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. I wouldn't give the baby his name.
I know you said he's not violent but he is abusive , I can guarantee it will get worse after the baby arrives.

I would get him out of your house asap.

newbiename · 29/04/2022 21:04

Hadn't seen you've got him out. Please don't feel pressured to let him come back.
I'd block the older couple and change your locks.

milkyway100 · 29/04/2022 21:20

Oh and now a message from him, "I suppose you'll be able to have sex in five minutes when you get a new boyfriend when the bby's a few months old." blocked. will have to unblock at some point to chat baby but can't be dealing with this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/04/2022 21:27

Wow. Well now you know it's 100% the right choice to end this relationship for good. He's an immature, unkind and selfish prick.

His first thoughts when faced with you breaking up with him were:

  1. I don't want to have to pay towards the baby, she'd better not file a CMS claim.
  1. I bet she'll shag someone else soon after she gives birth.

He is fucking vile. Please, please don't let him have another chance. You'd be doing yourself and your child a disservice.

Newestname002 · 29/04/2022 21:30

@milkyway100

Well done - now to stay focussed, and stay strong. You have absolutely the right thing in not having him back. He does the absolute opposite of adding value to your life.

will have to unblock at some point to chat baby but can't be dealing with this.
^^ Do you have to? Can't you arrange everything strictly through email?

Also regarding CMS: I wouldn't bother trying to agree anything informal directly with such a flaky person - make it official https://child-maintenance.service.gov.uk/apply/. 🌹

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 29/04/2022 21:51

Oh wow OP, can't believe you've done it. This is AMAZING! 🎉🎉

REignbow · 29/04/2022 21:56

I’m pleased that you have blocked him. Like I said previously, he can contact you via email.

Also, what baby chat will there be? Your midwife appointments, scans, hospital visits are about you and are none of his business.

When you go to give birth, you are certainly not obligated to let him be there. When baby is here, a quick message saying baby arrived on X, weighed Y and is named Z should suffice.

I would certainly think about blocking these older friends, as they haven’t even lasted three days and are trying to coerce you into taking him back/talking to him.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 30/04/2022 00:05

God, it really is all about the sex for him isn't it. He just sounds more and more weird and creepy. Sex dolls were made for creeps like him.

Don't bother putting his name on the birth certificate or giving the DC his name, I doubt he'll be in the child's life in any long term or meaningful way, which frankly would be a blessing. Imagine having a father like that.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/04/2022 00:06

I’m sorry he was so cruel to you. Put yourself and the baby first.

Its not on the way he was treating you.

Cherrysoup · 30/04/2022 18:40

Bloody hell, he really does think of you as a walking vagina, doesn’t he? Zero consideration for your well being or that of the baby. Send him a blow up doll, he sounds like he only wants sex, not a relationship.

Cakecakecheese · 30/04/2022 18:53

Christ, the mother of his unborn child has kicked him out and the first thing on his mind is sex. Unbelievable. I agree you don't need to unblock him. He doesn't deserve to be involved until he can have a reasonable grown up conversation, so probably never! Any information you do wish to give him can be delivered by a third party or via email. Maybe even set up a new email account for him so he doesn't flood your current inbox with nonsense.

newbiename · 30/04/2022 19:21

milkyway100 · 29/04/2022 21:20

Oh and now a message from him, "I suppose you'll be able to have sex in five minutes when you get a new boyfriend when the bby's a few months old." blocked. will have to unblock at some point to chat baby but can't be dealing with this.

Please block the older friends too.

Threetulips · 01/05/2022 09:09

Well done. Now you can focus on you and the baby because he certainly wasn’t.

I’d also block the friends, apart from a quick text to let them know he’s not welcome back to your place.

If he has keys please change the locks.

Do not put him on the birth certificate and make sure you put in a claim for payments.

2catsandhappy · 01/05/2022 11:35

Well done @milkyway100 that is great news. Keep him blocked until you are ready for him to collect his stuff.

milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 14:41

Just an update, locks changed over the weekend.

Probably a good thing, as he came this morning, ( with the older couple), to collect more stuff. Tried to let himself in, very annoyed/ surprised they'd been changed.

I think as far as they are all concerned, this is a break for a few weeks whilst I calm down.

Unfortunately, his behaviour since the split is just reaffirming my thinking it's a good idea and needs to be permanent.

My friend was here, ( we weren't expecting them), and he kept shouting/ asking, "so how long am I going to be expected to stay at D and M's for ?!" He obviously didn't like the answer, ( for the foreseeable, ) as he then got snappy and was like, "come on Milkyway, you're going to need to have me back for help around the house and with the baby before you get as fat as Mrs. Hippopotamus there ?!" ( my friend is very overweight).

Whilst it may sound mildly funny written down, my friend is very , very sensitive about her weight to the extent she has had counselling r.e. this, ( he is aware of this), so she was in tears.

The older couple did tell him off, kind of bundle him out shortly after, but they all seem to be thinking this is temporary as I heard the man say, " come on, your just going to be out longer with this attitude."

The nastiness of the Mrs. hippopotamus comment is another ( of many!) examples of why I am right though, and I have to keep telling myself that when i fear the judgement of others, ( mostly the judgement of people who don't know him/ the situation well e.g. colleagues etc).

I have deactivated Facebook, ( how the older couple contacted me via fb calls and messages as they don't have my number), so I don't have to hear from them currently.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 02/05/2022 15:01

Jesus wept what a nasty piece of work he is.

your poor friend, I was very overweight as teenager & didn’t need people to point it out to me Sad

milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 15:15

@Fluffycloudland77 . Exactly. It's like he's lashing out cos he's angry but it's hardly my friend's fault is it. If he'd had the manners to say he was going to come in advance, I'd have made sure she wasn't here anyway cos I know what he's like.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 02/05/2022 15:17

What a horrible man. I'm so pleased for you that you don't have to share your life with him anymore.

If pressure is put on you (either by him or D and M), please remember that you owe him precisely nothing. You should be in a relationship because it makes you happy and your partner treats you lovingly and respectfully. There is no other reason. Just repeat, 'I'm afraid this relationship doesn't work for me anymore so that will be a no to moving back in'. Relationships are voluntary, they're not life sentences.

milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 15:18

I also hope my influence overrides his and I'm hopefully able to influence the child enough not to copy his horrible, rude behaviour when he visits them etc.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 02/05/2022 15:18

Oh christ he really is a charmer isn't he? You're doing so well and anyone who is expecting you to take him back either doesn't get how unpleasant he really is or just wants to get rid of him.

milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 15:28

Cakecakecheese · 02/05/2022 15:18

Oh christ he really is a charmer isn't he? You're doing so well and anyone who is expecting you to take him back either doesn't get how unpleasant he really is or just wants to get rid of him.

Yes, just even seeing how frazzled D and M were today, they clearly want him out asap. I can just imagine he is really upsetting their air b and b guests if he behaves like this.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 02/05/2022 15:30

milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 15:18

I also hope my influence overrides his and I'm hopefully able to influence the child enough not to copy his horrible, rude behaviour when he visits them etc.

I wouldn't count on him sticking around in his child's life once he works out that parenting is hard work and you can't always put yourself first.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 02/05/2022 15:37

Thank goodness you got the locks changed. He really should have contacted you first before just barging in with his friends. The comment to your friend sounds like he is just being his usual obnoxious self. I'm pretty sure you will be able to counter his behaviour with your own when the child arrives, but with a father like that I wouldn't be falling over myself to facilitate contact, if he wants a relationship with his DC it's up to him to make it happen, not you.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 02/05/2022 15:40

"Yes, just even seeing how frazzled D and M were today, they clearly want him out asap. I can just imagine he is really upsetting their air b and b guests if he behaves like this."

Lord, can you imagine the reviews of their guests? It would be like staying with Basil Fawlty.