Would it be two-timing? Help!!

[greeneyedgirl]

Ok so I have been "seeing" a guy I suppose. Been on 3 dates in quick succession and we have been pretty intimate, but have not had sex, not going to yet either. We seem to get on fine and he is nice, but there have been no declarations or relationship discussions.

But have been talking to a guy online (met both on a dating site) who really wants to meet me and he also seems really nice. I would like to just meet up for a drink just to see how we get on, but feeling a bit weird, do you think I would be "cheating"?

I don't feel like I am going out with the guy I am seeing, he is nice, but it all seems to be quite sexual, which although is enjoyable, I am really not sure about and want to pull back a little.

So what do you think I should do? All opinions welcome!

The date went really well, he said that he would like to see me as often as possible (go me). He is really gorgeous, but doesn't seem to realise that, which is quite sweet. My Mum got a good old look and she reckons he's pretty scrummy too lol.

I am going to see him on Saturday, he is going to cook me dinner (no man has EVER done that for me). I have to remain level headed though, I still don't fully trust my instincts about men, so I will see how things progress. He gives me butterflies, I have missed feeling like that!

Very smiley! Now just got to figure out how to let the other guy down gently, he texted me last night asking when we could meet up again..feel a bit of a cow.

Yay, go you!!!

Sounds lovely.

As for number one, I would text the following: "hi there, I'm sure you realise that I would hate to waste your time so I just wanted to let you know that I do not want to take things any further with you. The thing is you are a great guy and I know we would have fun dating but I know that it wouldn't go beyond that and I really think it would not be fair to waste your time or mine if I know that to be the case, especially as I am looking for something quite serious. Nothing personal at all, thanks for being a true gentleman and a lovely guy. I hope you find what you are looking for, take care, Greenie"

That's what I would send. No-one can hold it against you if you are honest and polite. Think of it as doing him a favoour as it's best not to keep his hopes up. Remember though, be firm on your boundaries, as a true bloke he will try and find a way back (probably by saying that he enjoyed being intimate with you, why don't you just keep it at that level?) but if you have made up your mind, stick to it.

Remember, you have done nothing wrong whatsoever. What would be wrong is if you decide you want to try to take things further with number 2 but are not honest to number 1.

Also, prob wouldn't even bother with the let's be friends thing. I think people say that out of guilt normally and you don't want too many people hanging around who were potential lovers.

He was a potential lover, you tried, it was good but something else came along. He has to accept that and you have to start thinking about what to wear on Saturday night!!

Wow, that's pretty black and white, god I am such a coward at these things. I really hate upsetting people. I will try it and see what happens I guess.

Guy no 2 has been texting me from work and seems even more keen after last night, he is being really lovely. And now I have another problem to slove, but I won't go into details as it's "girlie", why are things never simple?? Lol!

oh go on, I am good at girlie issues sometimes! even if I can't help, I am sure others will!! (this is the point when you are grateful you have remained anonymous on here!).

Yes it is black and white but it has to be because if you leave room for manoeuvre, he may mis-read it or not fully get the message. If you definitely don't want anything more from him you really need to make that explicitly clear. He may be pissed off, he may say you lead him on, he may be absolutely fine with it. Whatever happens, remember everyone's advice earlier on in this thread - you have done nothing wrong, had some fun and now you have made your decision. Trust me, there is a big difference between upsetting and upsetting. Compared to some of the horrific break ups you read about on this site, this is very tame. He'll recover from whatever you throw at him!

Well yes I have to get this text over and done with I suppose. I'll let you know how it goes.

Right, the "issue", hope you're not squeamish! Since taking a morning after pill last Sept I have not been able to sleep with anyone . Even the tiniest disturbance causes me to have a full period. I have just had a my smear result back today and all is normal. I have been to the drs numerous times and all they say is oh, don't worry, it will go away on its own etc. They don't consider it urgent as it is classed as a "social" problem..I mean..what the hell?

I am going back to drs next week now that I have had the smear result, but I don't quite know what to say, whether to demand a specialist appt or something.

Believe it or not I told guy 2 in the course of an msn chat (lord knows why I blurted it out) and he was really nice, and said that he was quite happy to wait for as long as it took. I told guy no 1 because he made it quite clear he wanted to sleep with me when I was at his house. His response was, oh well, we'll find a way round it and started to make all sorts of suggestions that didn't involve much waiting. Is another reason I don't want to take it forward with him.

Phew that was long, hope you're not too grossed out!

That's quite funny because by telling the story you have actually clearly illustrated the difference between Bill (number 1) and Ben (number 2). Sorry, had to give them a name!!

Ok, clearly I am no expert on medical stuff but I have had experience with the morning after pill some years ago. What I do remember is that it completely threw my ex's cycle out of line and it took probably 6 months before it was back to normal. She got heavier periods and they were closer together than usual. But have I understood correctly, are you saying that your periods are extremely often, which is preventing you having sex or are you saying that somehow you feel sex might bring on the period?

Personally I don't think the "it will go on its own" advice is ever particularly helpful, even if it is true. I guess there are many reasons why you may be out of sync and they may not be solely related to the MAP. The good news is the smear is clear.

I would definitely push the GP to give you some more substantive advice, even if he feels it is not worth referring you.

Failing that, could you not ask one of the specialist organisations like family planning or Marie Stopes. I reckon they have lots of experience of what happens post MAP.

Anyway, it may be a blessing in disguise. Showed Bill's true colours and buys you some time with Ben before things need to get eeky.

Yeah that's true, so it has one advantage at least.

It's actually sex (or any type of internal interference..eg the smear test) that causes a full period. Is deffo not spotting or vaginal bleeding. God this is soo weird telling a total stranger all the minute details, especially as you're a man lol!!

Well I think I am going to insist on some help at the drs because I am getting mightily fed up. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and answer, I know there is not much you can really say!

well I must say that my initial concern would be that it is vaginal bleeding due to an internal tear which is causing you no pain but which is getting opened up during intercourse. I had this with an ex ex ex. In the end we had to abstain for 2 months so that the tissue could heal fully. Again, I am no doctor but I cannot imagine why there would be a link between sex and your period. Maybe a hormonal one but in my understanding the chemicals released during sex (the nice ones) are completely unrelated to those involved in a period. On the one hand it is totally common for periods to be really irregular after the MIP but to my untrained eyes, having a direct cause and effect link between internal intervention and a period seems slightly improbable. Anyway, without being too presumptious, maybe it has just been coincidences so far. I mean how many times has it happened, is it just a few or is it 30? (I am of course taking an extreme with the last figure!!) To find out if it is a coincidence, you could do a lot worse than test the theory with Ben (when you are ready of course). Or maybe simulate intercourse yourself using a vibrator? If penetration does immediately trigger bleeding/a period, then I would definitely ask the doctor to send you to a gyneco to have a proper internal check. Maybe you could post this in another of the sections and see if there are any knowledgeable doctors out there?

Well I have posted in health and no-one really knows what to say (which I totally understand, cos the docs don't know either). I am obviously happy to know it isn't cervical cancer and my instincts tell me it is not serious as I am not getting any pain or other symptoms. I suppose I will need to "test" the theory before I go to the docs next week, but I am reluctant to do this because it will start a bleed again.

I have stopped taking the pill (I was on progesterone only) and I am trying to just leave things alone for as long as possible. It is very frustrating indeed and I feel like a bit of a weirdo to be absolutely honest. I have never had a problem with bleeding in any way at all previous to this, it's all very odd. But thanks for trying to help, it's much appreciated.

Don't know why you feel a weirdo, loads of my girl friends have issues like this. Does sound from what you say (to my very untrained eye!) that it is more of a bleeding issue than a period issue. Like you say, good that you have eliminated cervical cancer (and any STDs? - I know that sounds manky but some of them do cause bleeding). I remember with my exexex the doctor said it was a tiny little wound but that because the vagina is so lush with blood, every time the wound re-opened it literally pissed blood. I reckon you are right not to think it is anything major but if it carries on I would definitely ask to be referred - if only to put your mind at rest and give you the green light. A gynecologist can check you internally in a much more detailled way and, as is usually the case with these persistent and annoying issues, will probably find the smallest cause which will not require any great intervention but which needed seeing to in order to prevent the bleeding.

So are you taking pudding tomorrow night?!

Lol, ooh havent thought about it, maybe I should take him something, god I am so pants at this !

He has texted me several times today, he is lovely, keep wondering what on earth he sees in me lol!! I must have dones something good in a previous life.

Re the bleeding, all I know is that I was fine before I took the MAP, and I have taken them before and had no weird side effects. The only difference was that I was on the mini pill (where you only have a 3 hour window) and I couldn't remember if I'd taken it late. So I asked the pharmacist if it was safe to take the MAP while taking the pill and he said yes. But I reckon that's what has caused all this crap. Mega pissed off, but that'll teach me for not using a condom (idiot that I was) and to add insult to injury, the bloke was a complete wanker and the whole experience was awful!

sounds horrible but if Ben continues to be promising, that guy will soon be consigned to the bad memory bin! I guess it is too coincidental for the bleeding not to be linked to that experience but it may not be the MAP part of it which it is linked to. Maybe you suffered an "injury" when sleeping with the guy. No I will not ask how!!! But seriously, a stray nail or over vigorous sex can cause a problem and leave some scar tissue which keeps getting opened up when you have any intervention there.

Text Ben and offer to bring dessert. He'll really appreciate it and then say no (male pride and all that). So instead bring a nice bottle of wine (or one red and one white, to be sure, esp if you don't know what he is making) and bring them in a nice wine present bag (you know the ones you get at Clintons or Borders). He'll be chuffed. Also post dinner nibbles always go down well. You know, posh choccies for example. Anything you can share on the sofa after dinner, if all is going well!!

That's a great suggestion, thanks. I know he likes red, but I am pretty sure he prefers a specific country and I can't fipping remember what it is!! So I reckon I might go for the posh chocs.

It's weird, I am soo excited, but a tad nervous about getting there, only been driving for a few months and have to do a motorway stint at night...eek!

You're fab for advice, thanks so much PAL!!!

don't worry about the country, stick to the classics. Either buy him a nice Bordeaux, a Rioja or something like a Merlot from Chile. Wine afficionados will scream at me but buy him one in a nice bottle with a nice classic label. I KNOW, that is not the way to tell a good wine but you are looking for impact so something aesthetic will go a long way to doing the trick. Tesco have some really lovely wines in the £7 - 9 pound band which I think is the right balance between buying piss and buying something over the top.

Nice to be excited about a date, can't advise you on the driving unfortunately other than to keep your eyes on the road!!

Pleased you like the advice, it's a pleasure to give it...

Count yourelf lucky that I have to remain anonymous otherwise I would expect an invite to the wedding

tell us the stories on Sunday!!

Lol, need to get my divorce thru first! But I'd invite you anyway and I'd make sure no-one ever knew what you looked like!

and then when I say to my wife:

"ok I have been invited to a wedding by someone i met on a mumsnet forum board which I originally posted on when talking about visiting adult chat rooms but I then turned into the Fairy Godfather when posting on her thread about two timing"

she may be a little perplexed!!!!

Lol, how about, "ok, have a wedding invite from someone who I gave absolutely amazing dating advice to on Mumsnet. She credits me completely with the fabulous outcome of her relationship and it would just be soo rude not to go!"

lol

ah you flatter me

hmmmmmmmmmm, I still think her reaction may be, er, somewhat perplexed!!

Ok. I did it, I did it at last!!!! I texted "bill", admittedly told a little white lie about wanting to opt out of dating until the divorce was through (coward I know, but didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't good enough). Anyway, he was soooo nice, even sent a text saying that having kissed me, he felt blessed! I mean, how lovely was that? Felt a bit horrible after that, I am used to guys being mean to me!!

I think divine retribution has come into play today though, have a horrible upset tummy, so I am having to dose myself up with loperamide...grrrrr!!!

Wish me luck!

that sounds like a great outcome, you sent him a nice text, he sent you one in return. All good.

Was your bad tummy anything to do with nerves at all? I'd sometimes get really bad diarrhoea before a date (TMI!!!).

How did it go?

It went well, I stayed over cos I really didn't want to do the motorway drive again at 1 in the morning.

He seems to like me very much, we were possibly a little more intimate than I was planning on, but what the hey. He actually asked the "so am I your boyfriend"? question. So, I guess I could be classed as in a relationship, but to be honest, I really don't have a huge amount of trust in men at the moment, so I won't hold my breath. Plus there's the no sex thing at the mo, not sure how well he will do with that one, although he didn't try and to talk me round or anything.

I am going to wait and see with this one and try not to rely on things, because I am pretty bloody scared of being hurt and becoming the mess I was after my ex dumped me, again.

Oh look at me, the fount of optimism!

no, it is not a case of being pessimistic, you are just being realistic. I am never one for putting labels on these situations but "boyfriend" seems a bit premature, I would have to say. You can say you are seeing him but two dates in is very early to be talking in terms of boyfriend and girlfriends, me thinks. That doesn't mean it could not go that way but you are definitely right to adopt a wait and see strategy.

My strategy in early days with someone was always to just view it as a nice thing to do, spending quality time with a nice person - plus the added bonus of nookie if it was on the dessert menu. I always tried not to get to hung up on the "where are we at" thing until at least a month in. If after a month I was still loving the girl's company and enjoying my time spent with her, then i would start to think a bit differently. But not thinking in terms of getting hurt. There is a big difference between being wary and being too self-protective. You sound like you are doing just great, enjoy this guy, he sounds lovely, and don't ask him or yourself too many questions until a good five dates in...

As usual, you make perfect sense! He is a really nice guy, but I am not quite ready to trust just yet. The boyfriend convo, wasn't like a serious thing, was very sweet really.

I just enjoy spending time with him and talking to him, he is great fun! I just hope I can get myself "mended", it's actually starting to depress me a bit.

you sound like you are in a really good place, both in yourself and with Ben.

Just a shame about the other stuff but all the more reason to go back to the GP and push for some more support and help. I really think you are just one good doctor away from being reassured but you need to find that person - be they a GP or a gynecologist.

Unfortunately, as all good Fairygodfathers do in the fairy tales, I have to sort of disappear in a puff of smoke. Well, not literally disappear but I have a mad mad mad few weeks coming up workwise and I am not going to be able to be sure of checking back here. I have loved listening to you in these last two weeks and really hope everything comes together with Ben and everything else.

Just remember - be kind to yourself always, let other people worry about their own feelings (you just look after number one, everything else will fall into place), don't take to heart what wankers and tosspots say about you behind your back and above all, enjoy this great time of meeting new people and making new connections because, as they say over at l'Oreal, you are worth it!

I'll check back some time later to see if you have put any updates into the thread...

Good luck and take care!

x

Thanks, you take care too!