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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would it be two-timing? Help!!

163 replies

greeneyedgirl · 09/01/2008 20:33

Ok so I have been "seeing" a guy I suppose. Been on 3 dates in quick succession and we have been pretty intimate, but have not had sex, not going to yet either. We seem to get on fine and he is nice, but there have been no declarations or relationship discussions.

But have been talking to a guy online (met both on a dating site) who really wants to meet me and he also seems really nice. I would like to just meet up for a drink just to see how we get on, but feeling a bit weird, do you think I would be "cheating"?

I don't feel like I am going out with the guy I am seeing, he is nice, but it all seems to be quite sexual, which although is enjoyable, I am really not sure about and want to pull back a little.

So what do you think I should do? All opinions welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 12/01/2008 14:22

Thanks for the advice, will follow it. God, this is quite exciting in a weird way, feeling totally selfish, but rather good!

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 12/01/2008 14:31

greeneyedgirl, I just joined an online dating site xmas day and have had 3 dates, all platonic but I'm still friends with the guys.
Got another date on Thursday and another lined up. It's great! I talk to them a bit before i commit to date and do so in public. I was in a long marriage and am loving meeting different guys just to experience it and maybe meet the one? Or mr right now if not?
Good luck hun and drop the guilt. You'll know when he's right, he'll be on your mind so much it'll hurt.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 12/01/2008 14:57

It's nice isn't yULeYSEES? I must admit I do quite a bit of online chatting before meeting people, however not all my dates have been platonic lol.

I haven't remained friends with the people I have dated, mainly because they were very interested and I wasn't, so friendship wouldn't have worked, but that is life I suppose.

Go us, yay!

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 12/01/2008 14:59

i chat a lot too, which site are you on?

add me to your msn if you like and we can discuss
goldenbrownandi @ hotmail.com

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 12/01/2008 15:16

Cool, I will add you, always up for a gossip, me!

I was on Dating Direct, although I have let it lapse this month as I am job hunting, and my cash flow isn't great lol!

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 12/01/2008 16:20

I'm on plentyoffish.com and it's free

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 12/01/2008 18:15

I tried plentyoffish, but got a load of weirdos contacting me so I gave up after a while. Or maybe that was just me lol!!

OP posts:
postingatlast · 12/01/2008 19:39

well done, sounds like things are moving along just nicely. Glad to hear that the fun of the chase is seemingly silencing your "selfish-o-meter" which, frankly, by the looks of things, talks way too loudly at you sometimes!

Great that your instincts of number 2 proved correct. That, in itself, should give you some confidence.

Double great the two guys are really interested.

And triple great that you like them both too and are thinking carefully about what they each have to offer.

As for number one, just remember ketchup. Yes, the best things in life come to those who wait - and if he wants something to progress, he may just have to be a bit patient and wait.

Also, not the most attractive trait, male or female, when someone crosses the line from friendly interest into over eagerness and neediness. Not saying number one has but either he will be happy enough to take things at your pace or, it could be said, he is not really worth worrying about as a good man will always respect the woman and try to go at a pace she is comfortable with.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 12/01/2008 20:44

Well, I am slightly sorry for rushing in a bit (intimacy wise), mainly because it makes things more complicated. But my instincts tell me to go for no 2 as I just seem to be drawn to him.

He seems slightly more serious...maybe a little intense at times, but still good fun. Oh and he's taller than me, which no 1 isn't, how shallow is that? Lol!!

Oh and he likes me....alooooot!

OP posts:
yULeYSEES · 12/01/2008 23:35

agree greeneyedgirl, you do get weirdos on POF. I've met someone normal on there though so we shall see

oxocube · 13/01/2008 08:25

Postingatlast ......I like you Great to get such sensible advice from a guy!

yULeYSEES · 13/01/2008 10:04

ditto oxocube

I have my big date tonight, he's lovely Going to town to buy a dress

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 13/01/2008 10:42

Ooh good luck yULeySEES, have a fab time, where's he taking you? Yes I agree with Oxocube too; PAL, your advice is really spot on, thanks!

OP posts:
postingatlast · 13/01/2008 15:36

Postingatlast blushes with three pieces of flattery! Thank you, you are very kind. But it is a mutual exchange, as I said before, greeneyedgirl was very helpful in a thread I started. I don't even view it as advice as such. I prefer to think of it as support. I first posted on a thread on here hoping people would listen and show some support. Unfortunately quite a few people seemed to not know the difference between having a different point of view (but remaining supportive) and being downright spiteful. But then I saw that there are lots of balanced people on here so I really like the exchange of support. It makes this a really cool forum. Anyway, you will probably have noticed that I say pretty much the same thing everytime, namely that we all have a right to find ourselves, find things which make us happy and do it without beating ourselves up about it - as long as we act courteously and respectfully. It's possibly a bit of an old-fashioned view but I think it is a good starting point.

Anyway, maybe one day we will have an "Ask PAL" section of the forum

good luck on your date tonight yULeySEES, let us know how it goes...

have a good day everyone!

lou33 · 13/01/2008 19:22

uly, you are on pof?

yULeYSEES · 14/01/2008 01:05

yes lou, am on pof why are you?

Date went well, he's cooking for me tomorrow as my kids at their dads

lou33 · 14/01/2008 11:21

no i used to be, i am just surprised you are pof, have i missed something?

Ulysees · 14/01/2008 13:15

god yes lou, if you're on msn add me it's a loooong story goldenbrownandi @ hotmail.com

lou33 · 14/01/2008 13:19

i have added you

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 14/01/2008 14:39

Ok, so I am feeling a bit weird today, did what I said I would and put the current guy off on Sat night and have arranged to meet new guy again on Wed. I didn't contact guy 1 yesterday and he didn't contact me, which is fine, but still can't help feeling like a bit of a bitch as he was being really lovely. I guess it's just that I have been in that situation before when I wasn't contacted and I felt rather annnoyed, and now I am doing it to someone!!!

Also my best mate, the guy, doesn't seem to be contacting me much and I am getting worried I have been taking him too much for granted, always talking about blokes and stuff! I know he fancies me, but he made it clear we couldn't have a relationship, so I don't know what to do about that either. That could be a seperate thread I suppose.

Oh and one last thing, if a bloke is totally bowled over by you and keeps telling you how beautiful you are etc, how he can't wait to see you again..er...does that mean he is odd or something? I like it that he is enthusiastic, and I really don't think he is lying....or at least I hope he isn't. But had this to some extent with my ex and he turned out to be an emotional wreck. Why is dating sooo fucking difficult? (scuse french).

Or it could be that I am just totally barmy!!! Soz for my rambling!!

OP posts:
postingatlast · 14/01/2008 15:00

Hello barmy!

ok, one by one:

You were not being a bitch. You put number one off for a few days, not weeks, months or years. We are all busy grown ups, things can happen. If he has lost interested because of the impasse then more fool him and it is his loss.

The best mate, hmmmm, does seem like a lot going on for him. No you have not been taking him for granted. He offered you time and unconditional friendship and you took it, as you rightly should. i am sure you give him friendship in return. If he cannot deal with you dating other men, that is his problem, not yours. If he does disappear then i would say try not to view it as a lost friendship but as a lost potential lover. If he really cannot deal with a platonic relationship he really was not a friend in the simple sense - he was always a potential lover. That is difficult to put into the right words though.

As for your last point, yes some guys can say that and are totally genuine. They are great guys! On a middle ground, there are some guys who mean it but embellish a little bit as they feel that flattery will get them somewhere. The only ones to be wary of are guys who arrive in a blaze of glory but then not only do not deliver but also become extremely controlling too. Unless I am mistaken, this is a sign of a passive aggressive individual (anyone else know what I mean? It may not be passive aggressive but it is definitely one of those types of personality traits) and you would do best to avoid one of those. Still, it's early days so don't worry yourself! Just keep your antenae alert and if you think he is headed where your ex was, make sure you show him the door!!

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 14/01/2008 15:04

I hope you are really a bloke and not a troll PostingAtLast, because I like you. I like the honesty and good sense in your posts.

Just thought I'd drop that in! Ciao!

Ulysees · 14/01/2008 15:08

why would he be a troll?

Oh greeny, i had one of those, all the fecking time. Not my cup of tea but if he turns out ok then great but be on your guard, which I'm sure you are.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 14/01/2008 15:10

I only mean, Ulysees, that I hope he doesn't turn out to be a woman posting as a man. He expresses himself so well.

postingatlast · 14/01/2008 15:13

Hello ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands (damn, I should have just cut and paste that instead of typing it!!),

yes, I can assure you I am a man and not a troll. I checked the MN definition of a troll and it said it was someone who always tries to wind people up and create problems and i think you can see in all the threads I am in that I am not doing that. In fact, I think some of the regular mumsnetters are much more provocative and argumentative than I will ever be on here!!

I just like giving a male perspective to these threads so thanks for appreciating my honesty.