Would it be two-timing? Help!!

[greeneyedgirl]

Ok so I have been "seeing" a guy I suppose. Been on 3 dates in quick succession and we have been pretty intimate, but have not had sex, not going to yet either. We seem to get on fine and he is nice, but there have been no declarations or relationship discussions.

But have been talking to a guy online (met both on a dating site) who really wants to meet me and he also seems really nice. I would like to just meet up for a drink just to see how we get on, but feeling a bit weird, do you think I would be "cheating"?

I don't feel like I am going out with the guy I am seeing, he is nice, but it all seems to be quite sexual, which although is enjoyable, I am really not sure about and want to pull back a little.

So what do you think I should do? All opinions welcome!

Get a roon you two!

Lol MK. Poor old PAL, he'll get flamed for that, he is a respectable married man!!

hopefully I would not get flamed for a comment I ddn't even make! Although I would not be sure of that!! There are some people around here who would argue that I am married but not too respectable!

Hmmm, who ever wants to be respectable, married or no? I am certainly not, lets hope the parents never find out what I get up to!

Please, there have been a few scandals on MN, non ending well and one very recently. They do nothing for MN in the abused parners eyes. This is a support site for parents not a dating site. Best to keep it friendly but nothing more.

Just to make it clear to everyone, my last comment had nothing to do with PAL (apologies to him also), was all about myself (alluding to the fact that I am currently living with the parents), so please don't start sniffing for potential gossip. I have a profile up on here with pics and if I was intending to chase married men I certainly wouldn't be stupid enough to let everyone see who I was!

I have been approached by married men for "fun" on some of these sites and tbh honest it makes my skin crawl.

I appreciate all the advice I have received about my situation, but lets close this thread down now thanks!

no need to apologise greeneyedgirl, I think monkeytrousers comment must have been born out of not reading the whole thread because if she had, I am sure she would have seen that there was nothing untoward happening, just an honest exchange of thoughts aimed at resolving a situation - as you have kindly done on my thread in this section too. I know I have said this before but as long as people remain courteous on these boards and respect others' right to their own feelings and opinions, I really don't see what there is to complain about.

I hope so, don't like having aspersions cast upon my good self . I am a rather nice person, even if I do say so myself!!

Ok...slight setback here. Talking to a male friend last night who was slightly disapproving on my intentions to go on a date. He reckons that by doing intimate "stuff" with the current guy I will have automatically given him the impression that I am dating him exclusively.

But I spoke to the other guy last night and really like him. Back to bloody square one now!

noooooooooo this is not a setback, it is just someone else's opinion!

So not talk of back to square one please!

Ok, let me give you an example. You are on holiday and you meet a guy and you end up sleeping with him. Would it be logical for him to think that you are now a full-blown item? Should he maybe book the registry office for the next morning?!

It all really comes down to what you have said to the first guy (the one you have been intimate with). Unless you have both made it absolutely clear to each other that you really want to be an item, nothing nothing nothing stops you from chatting to this second guy. And nothing stops you from meeting up with him either.

Ok, if something does happen with the second guy, at that point you might wish to make a choice and let one or other of them know that it is not going further, just to be fair and respectful.

But you have not made a dying commitment to the first guy just by going to bed with him. Can you imagine how complicated that would be if everyone felt the same?!

So my advice, and admittedly you do not know me from Adam and you might be more inclined to listen to your friend, would be stop feeling guilty, go on this date with the other guy, see where it leads and if it does lead somewhere, make a decision fairly soonish after that as it is messy to be sleeping with two people at the same time (although there is no law against it). I certainly would not want to be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else too.

You are an attractive young lady, enjoying meeting new people after a seemingly bad marriage. Go enjoy and every time you are feeling scruples, come back here and I will knock you back into shape!!!

Tell your mate he is talking rubbish!

Honestly that sort of comment makes me so

You're a grown woman and are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want.

Until the day comes that you have the talk and agree with someone that you will date them exclusively, then you are a free agent.

I think your mate is totally out of order.

You deserve some happiness and the chance to go out and date (and sleep with people if you want to!) so that you can can make a choice.

Please don't let comments like that set you back

Thanks guys. The stupid thing is I have done things with this guy, but we have NOT had sex...I won't, it complicates things. I would NEVER date two people at the same time, just really horrible to do that!

Bloody hell you are being soo nice to me, thanks again!

'dating' two people at the same time, i.e. regular dates, sleeping with them both etc - I totally understand that you wouldn't do that and wouldn't want to do that.

Once it gets to seeing them very regularly and sleeping with them, as PAL said, you may then want to make a choice.

But actually going on a 'date' with a couple of different men, none of which you are regularly seeing or sleeping with, is absolutely fine. IMHO!
That's what going on dates is all about! So you can decide who you connect with and who you may want to take things further with.

Your mate is wrong

well said Baffy, everyone deserves some happiness and the chance to have some fun, find themselves, meet new people - all the usual clichés but very true.

I have to say, that kind of advice does also make me (yay, just discovered emoticons, no stopping me now!). Friends need to be non-judgmental where at all possible, IMO. Put it this way, whether or not anything is right or wrong, it is important for us all to make our own mistakes and/or get things right. Otherwise we never gain experience. So friends, IMHO, do best not to tell us what to do but, instead, should offer a listening ear and the promise of being there if things go tits up.

And, just to throw a complete curveball, male friends of ladies are not always the best people to seek advice from on issues of dating. I have a theory that there is no such thing as an absolutely 100% platonic friendship. Don't get me wrong, millions of friendships survive without the slightest hint of an undercurrent. But, there is still a chemistry, still feelings involved and, as such, we may not always be totally unbiased in our advice. On one extreme, the friend in question may actually have other feelings for you (totally random comment, I of course have no evidence for that!) and at the other extreme, even if there is consciously nothing there, subconsciously he is still a bloke and you are still a girl. At the end of a day, a great relationship is just a great friendship with one extra dimension. All the same rules (trust, loyalty, chemistry) are still there so the line can be a fine one.

I know, that was a curveball but hey, it's Friday

Yes, I must admit, whilst being a wonderful friend to me (and he's taken alot of my shit to help me deal with stuff). I know he would like to be with me, although he doesn't allow himself to have relationships..his ex is too demanding for that, and we have an unspoken understanding that this will never happen.

So I guess his opinion may not be totally unbiased, however, he would NEVER make me feel bad for doing what I want to do.

I spoke to the current guy online yesterday and he seems to be getting a little more er..lovey dovey (for want of a better phrase) in the way he speaks to me, so I am definitely taking a step back, in that I am probably not going to see him this weekend, don't want to make it into a 'situation'.

I have to say, I spoke briefly to the guy I am going to meet up with on the phone and I just don't see how I could NOT meet up with him. Plus he sent me another pic.....phwoar hehe . Er obviously I am not shallow enough to just go for looks.... !

looks like I was not too far wrong. He sounds like a great friend and you are lucky to have him. He is only human though and we all have subconscious agendas too.

Feel really sorry for him having an ex who won't give him the space for other relationships. How selfish is that?!

You sound like you are dealing with both situations in a very lucid and sensible way.

As for photos from internet daters, don't get me started on some of my misadventures with people whose photos were, to say the least, a little misleading!

Haha, I know what you mean about net photos lol. However I have been on er, quite a few dates with those I have met via the net and so far all have turned out to be pretty much like the pics. So I am hopeful that he will at least look something like his image.

But hey, will be quite hilarious if he turns out to be 65, bald and with a beer belly, at least I will have had my decision made for me!

just have your exit strategy well in place.

Always worth knowing where the toilet windows are on a first internet date

Good thinking batman.

lol about the photos!

PAL had the confidence to say what I was thinking - that perhaps this friend feels a bit more for you than just friendship and his advice is therefore, slightly biased.

glad you recongnise that though so you can obviously listen and take his advice seriously. but take it with a pinch of salt and at the end of the day, make up your own mind.

this guy sounds really nice! you should definitely meet him. let me know if he has a brother!!

Course I will bag his bro for you if he has one. I am very generous!

not 2 timing no, just keeping your options open! would only be 2 timing if you were sleeping with both, and leading them to think it was only them.

also fwiw, I have a male friend who said that you should wait to even let a man kiss you other wise they'll get the wrong idea- bloke I met last week doesn't seemed to have got the wrong idea and I kissed him so shouldn't worry! lol.

Well I will feel sorry if the current guy has got the wrong idea, I have a habit of rushing in sometimes, although he was not backward in coming forward.

Saying that, I have had guys do it to me and it only hurt when they had made it obvious we were supposed to be an item. I guess there is a risk I could hurt him or get hurt, but as someone said to me the other day, that is the risk we all take entering into any kind of relationship. I think it's about time I started putting myself first....I never do when it comes to relationships! I will just have to be brave and deal with whatever happens!

Scary....and exciting!

how great, a real change in attitude!! You know, it is not selfish to put yourself first. On the contrary. As I said in a thread last night (I have been busy since I became a Daddymumsntetter!), looking after yourself is the first route to looking after others too. You cannot worry about others until you have looked after yourself too.

Plus, I will let you into a secret... no matter how much you think you can hurt someone, trust me, he will bounce back. That doesn't mean that he may not take a bit of a bump but everyone has resources to work things out. Never ever worry about how someone else is going to cope with the fallout, good or bad, from things you do.

Hmmmmmmm, i don't mean that in the absolute sense! Of course as a kind and considerate person you will always be considerate to others' feelings. But there is a difference between that and realising that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, in the same way as you are not responsible for how others deal with their own problems.

Having followed this thread, you really do come across as someone who thinks a lot about others, how they feel and what they think of you. The cool thing is you have said that now you are going to put yourself first. This will not only make things healthier for you - it will also attract a better type of man!! Yes, it will!! One who will know you are strong enough not to be put down, not to be messed around.

As they once said in that film I cannot remember the name of, "go girl, go!!"

Funnily enough, all of what you said is true, took a massive knock with the breakdown of my marriage and my ex boyfriend also just used me for what he needed as he was so insecure. All I have been doing for the last 4 yrs at least, with men, is bending over backwards to make them feel good and let them just take everything they wanted...whereas I got virtually nothing in return.

I have had (and still do) have counselling to try and straighten out my skewed way of thinking about things and my horrendous guilty conscience. I have a really hard time doing things without constantly judging myself...and will admit that the fallout of this is often taken out on parents/friends, which then leads to more guilt! So I have to start being brave and realising that it is impossible to not ever hurt people and that there will always be some who will dislike me. I find that incredibly hard to come to terms with. Ooh now I sound a bit flaky.