Husband says I don't get paid enough

[BrokenArrowzzz]

I am in a new-ish role (6 months) that I'm really enjoying. It's constantly changing, very creative and sounds a lot more impressive to people than the role pays.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled to progress and stick to a job for more than 3-4 years. I was really unhappy and failing in my previous role, and was fortunate enough to move into one that is really suited to me. The problem is it doesn't pay very well. I haven't had an increase in my salary for 8 years. (Less than £30k) In fact the new role I have taken is the same salary as my previous one, but a grade lower so I've lost my private medical benefits and taken a cut in any bonuses. I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Recently my job has involved me needing to do a small bit of travel within the UK - both day trips and overnight. This means my husband (who is always very hands on) is left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. He tells me straight up that my job is taking advantage of me, that I don't get paid enough, that it's <the job> 'not working'. When I try and tell him I have to pull my own weight in the team and things work on a tight schedule that I just can't get out of he challenges me by saying 'well I bet they make more. How much do they make?' Like I'm supposed to know?? I don't talk about money with other people. I ask him what he would like me to do - quit my job? Work in a shop with an even worse (I assume) salary, but that's more suited to him. Each option I can think of would leave us financially worse off. He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter. He's frustrated because he pays for almost everything including the children's school fees, most household bills, food, etc. Its taken me ages to write this out, and I honestly can't even remember why I started it. More just to vent I guess.

I agree with your husband. It does sound like your work is taking advantage of you. Ask for a raise.

So I have raised it with my line manager and they said that the role was only approved for the current grade. I've asked in my yearly performance review if I could carve out the role into a higher grade. They said they would look into it, and like my outlook on it, but I will obviously need to work for it and demonstrate I'm worth the raise. My husband just expects that I can go in with a new role and demand I get paid more. It's a large company. They don't just hand raises out. It's a lot of politics, and budget balancing to get it approved. But ultimately I would want that.

But you are getting paid and contributing to the family pot, and only working 4 days a week, and only away occasionally? So you are contributing in lots of ways for the family? Along with enjoying your job.

These days you have to prove your worth, how excalty, does your partner expect a miracle raise, without you putting in the work, that takes you from family time ect

Ages
18-21
22-29
30-39
40-49
50-59
60+
Full-Time Male Salary
£18,070
£28,386
£39,430
£46,231
£44,561
£37,698
Full-Time Female Salary
£14,885
£24,715
£32,983
£34,665
£32,052
£27,266

Show him the difference between male and female average salaries here and then tell him to shut the fuck up

www.findcourses.co.uk/inspiration/articles/average-salary-uk-2018-14105

Would he simply be happier then if your job required what you do now but paid more?

How old are your dcs? The hands on bit is only for a short time.

Well done on getting your creative job which you enjoy and the company is supportive of your going up a grade. Nobody gets promoted without earning it and you earn it by performing above your grade. So there is a temporary period whereby you are doing more than you are paid for but if the company is good, they will promote you (and not just string you along).

That is how you move up the corporate ladder to end up with a career rather than stay at a level where you get peanuts and so have to be paid for overtime and every small thing. Your dh does not sound like he quite knows how it works and probably mentally pigeonholed you as being in a lower level job.

Hang in there. You will be over the hands on period with the dcs before you know it. Enjoy the job. I am so happy for you and hope my suspected ADHD creative dd will be as fortunate as you as to find your niche-.

@HeddaGarbled part of the problem is that we live in quite a wealthy area. The children go to private school so he compares me to everyone else we know and in our area. He's got a friend who's wife is younger than me and has made a point to tell me X's wife is only 32 and she makes £65k. 😒

I have a university degree, but I really struggle to persevere and focus on things well enough to really succeed at much. He doesn't accept that I'm certain I have ADHD and says I just need to try harder and stop making excuses. I've been on the waitlist to get a diagnosis for 2 years, and it's still no where in sight. I just wish I could find a way to focus and be successful. I've gone through 42 years of life feeling like I'm a failure and so misunderstood and my life has been full of missed opportunities. This whole situation makes me feel so low. Like there's not much worth going on for if I'm not successful enough

It sounds like he’s more pissed off he has to manage the children occasionally when you’re away. Boohoo for him 🙄

id the job suits you and you’re happy there stick with it.

Yes, your husband is being rather belittling and undermining of your confidence. The issue about pay is fair but his approach is crap. And what other people earn is irrelevant - and mean

I think jobs that don't pay significantly but require you to be away from home are incompatible with having young children (i.e. ones who need childcare and can't get on with things for themselves for an evening or two). So to that extent I agree with your husband.

You've taken a job with worse compensation, that's a step down for your CV and that means you aren't around as much, why?

Can you not look for another job in your field that is 5 days a week and doesn't require travel?

I think it is wonderful that you have a job that you enjoy and it isn't the end of the world for your husband to have to look after his own children occasionally.

I'd seriously think about looking for another job with better pay.

Sometimes it's the only way to get that raise, especially since you've been working there 8 years and havent seen an increase.

Especially with the days away from your kids, this should be attracting a premium anyway.

Sounds like he just doesn't want to have to step up and look after his children. That's probably why he says it isn't working.

He could bugger off as far as I'd be concerned.

.

He does sound more put out by having to occasionally look after his own children.

Noted his comment said higher pay but hours that work around the family meaning he doesn't have to do pickups and drops offs etc.

Are you saying you've been at this job for 8 years and no promotion or pay rises?
Do you know if you're paid fairly in the market for what you do?

I’m not sure I understand where he is coming from. You live in a wealthy area and the kids go to private school. Why? He pays for everything. People don’t send kids to private school (mine all go) unless you can easily afford it so what’s his problem? Really. What is his problem? You have cash to burn right? You are happy. How much more money do you need? What are the actual figures because what he is saying doesn’t make sense. If as a family you are struggling then move. Move to a cheaper area and smaller house where there are decent state primaries and secondaries and dump the school fees and keep the job you enjoy. Beyond all else you keep the job you enjoy, Holding down a job while kids are at school is a bonus. In a few years when they are bigger and don’t need either of you all the time then you will have lots of experience on your CV and can re-evaluate.
Insist on a move to a non wealthy area. There is no point working a job you hate and can’t stick to just to pay school fees which are a luxury not a necessity. Yes your kids love the school. So what. There are millions of kids who like their non fee paying schools. We pay school fees because we have loads of money. If something happened and either of us were unhappy and needed to downgrade or change our lives I’d move us into a cheap apartment if that’s what had to be done.

Happiness first.

Who decided on the wealthy area and the private school?

If you can afford to pay private school and live in a wealthy area then your income isn't an issue right?

How old are the kids and how often does he do all the school drop offs etc? Is it all the time or sometimes?

Don't let people make you feel shit about your contribution. You are talented, you had kids and therefore that had a knock on effect on earnings. Salary does not reflect your worth. Nor does it reflect hard work and talent. There are many worthwhile jobs that are paid peanuts and vice versa.

Adhd is a pain (I have it too) but it is also a blessing. The way our brains work and our ability to get stuff done when interested is amazing. But given work that doesn't excite us and we can't do it.

I dont entirely agree with Jim. But j ca see how being the main wage earner, paying for everything becomes annoying after a while.

He couldn't just change jobs, because he wanted to without taking benefits and wages into consideration. It is frustrating to be the one financially carrying the household while the other person gets to make decisions about their job without having to consider finances.

I do also think your employer is taking the piss a bit. They are expecting alot for little reward and it sounds like they just made the right noises about promotion.

If he earns so much, then I imagine he has a fairly stressful and demanding role himself. But you also say he is hands on, he isnt using it to get out of parentinf which many men do. So I dont think it's about him not wanting to care for the kids.

I can also see why you want to stay in the role. But I do think your employer is taking advantage slightly. Your job is making life more difficult for your both, without having a pay reward to offset it.

I would want my employer to actually commit to my progression. Not make the right noises, I would want to know they supported it and help make a plan for it. Then I would give it a while to see if they actually do invest in me. If not them I would consider my options and move on

I kind of see where he is coming from. How often do you have to travel.

Honestly? If your husband posted as a woman the comments would be reversed and people would be screaming ‘cocklodger’.

Whose decision was it to send kids to private school, and live in an expensive area? How can you have money for this, but not a private diagnosis (which you can get for £500 online)?

Btw I also have ADHD… adult diagnosed to… it’s doesn’t cost several thousand pounds

Also to add sorry if I sound harsh OP. I dont mean to belittle you or anything but marriage is a team effort.
If your husband married you, with your sketchy work history on the understanding that you’d do the bulk of the family work whi

I also agree it's unreasonable to expect you to be away from home for a low salary, but £32k pa for 4 days is well above average and equates to £40k FTE. Still low for a job that requires overnights more than v occasionally though.

It's also v unreasonable, and discriminatory, to use the fact that the role is PT to justify the lower salary. I'd be challenging the gender pay gap at your employer.

How often do you have to travel and leave your husband to manage the kids? I think that will influence my view on this. If it's every week, then I'd say the salary and work/life balance combination is not compatible with having young kids in this situation. But if it's only once or twice a month then it's something he just needs to suck up, as a parent and partner, for something that you enjoy and brings a decent financial contribution to the household. I know you aren't earning mega bucks, but presumably somewhere in the £25k ball park for a job that sounds like it also allows you to do the significant majority of school pick ups and kids stuff isn't to be sniffed at. You've only been with the company for 6 months, so I would give it another 6 months before re-evaluating your options. Very few people get promoted within 6 months of joining a company. But, if and when you do get promoted, you and your husband need to be realistic about what it will mean. You aren't going to go from circa £25k to £65k. A promotion may mean even more travel or hours in the office but only a £5k uplift. You are in the arts. Unfortunately a lot of jobs don't pay as well as others, but don't let him dismiss your financial contribution or the benefits it brings to you personally in other ways.