Husband says I don't get paid enough

[BrokenArrowzzz]

I am in a new-ish role (6 months) that I'm really enjoying. It's constantly changing, very creative and sounds a lot more impressive to people than the role pays.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled to progress and stick to a job for more than 3-4 years. I was really unhappy and failing in my previous role, and was fortunate enough to move into one that is really suited to me. The problem is it doesn't pay very well. I haven't had an increase in my salary for 8 years. (Less than £30k) In fact the new role I have taken is the same salary as my previous one, but a grade lower so I've lost my private medical benefits and taken a cut in any bonuses. I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Recently my job has involved me needing to do a small bit of travel within the UK - both day trips and overnight. This means my husband (who is always very hands on) is left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. He tells me straight up that my job is taking advantage of me, that I don't get paid enough, that it's <the job> 'not working'. When I try and tell him I have to pull my own weight in the team and things work on a tight schedule that I just can't get out of he challenges me by saying 'well I bet they make more. How much do they make?' Like I'm supposed to know?? I don't talk about money with other people. I ask him what he would like me to do - quit my job? Work in a shop with an even worse (I assume) salary, but that's more suited to him. Each option I can think of would leave us financially worse off. He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter. He's frustrated because he pays for almost everything including the children's school fees, most household bills, food, etc. Its taken me ages to write this out, and I honestly can't even remember why I started it. More just to vent I guess.

I think at least some of your lack of confidence comes from the way your husband treats you - he puts you down - how long has this been going on?

Plenty of men are happy to leave most of the childcare to their female partners while they go to work, work long hours or travel. He is BU to have an issue with that. It's called parenting and he needs to suck it up. However - if you're bringing in a salary why is he paying for everything? Do you contribute to any outgoings? If he doesn't want to be spending so much the kids can go to state school. It's not a requirement to go to private school even if you live in an area where such things are deemed important.

Not usually men who are the lower earner and have taken a pay cut for a happier working life though

Plenty of men are happy to leave most of the childcare to their female partners while they go to work, work long hours or travel. He is BU to have an issue with that.

Not unless they are being financially rewarded for it. There's usually a pay off somewhere.

Most women wouldn't be happy to be the higher earner, also have to be flexible around their partners job and then pick up the extra care for their children for their partner to take a lower paid job with less benefits.

She said she’s going away for a couple of days per month or less! She’s hardly leaving him to do all the childcare every week. Perhaps if the children didn’t go to private school the DH could also afford to drop a day a week for a better work-life balance. OP didn’t just go part time for the fun of it, her job was affecting her mental health and it was either that or be let go. I don’t think she’s doing anything unreasonable except not contributing more to the finances (it’s unclear if she contributes at all, but the H shouldn’t be paying for everything if she’s also bringing in a wage).

This is the perfect answer.

I think he's mainly just annoyed because he has to step up to the plate as the primary caregiver once in a blue moon, and until now hasn't realised how difficult it can be.

He's being a dick.

There’s no way at 42 I would have accepted a change in role that resulted in a loss of job grade. Not within the same company. It’s essentially a demotion.

I can see your husband's frustration. He is the one who is doing the majority of the household earning AND he's got to take on more of the childcare work so that you can earn less money doing a job that requires travel. It just doesn't make sense. If you were earning more and the travel was well funded to bring money into the family pot I could see it being a 'suck it up' scenario, but you've taken on unfavourable work for less money.
As for ADHD, I think you actually need to do something. Go private for diagnosis. I don't think you can lean so hard on the 'I can't do x, y and z' when you don't even know if you have it...maybe you just need to do some learning and skill progression in organisation. Not saying you don't have ADHD. But you don't know if you do. Thinking you might isn't a get out of jail free card, otherwise we'd all just be saying that!

Well there are 2 potential issues here

1. It sounds like you ARE being underpaid for the job you are doing. I appreciate that you love the new role, but you might find if you move to exactly the same role in a different company that you would instantly get a pay increase. You at least need to be more proactive with your current manager. Just raising something once won't get anything done. Why do you have to prove that you can work at the higher grade, when you were working at it for 8 years? Don't you already have ample evidence? If you're expected to take on tasks that are beyond your grade level on a regular basis, companies generally offer an "acting up" type position.
2. Your husband's annoyance at picking up childcare etc. Not clear this is whether it's because he's annoyed about having to do it full stop, or he's annoyed about having to do it because he thinks you are being taken advantage of by your work.

If you're warning just under 30k why is he paying for almost everything? Where is your salary going?

I've worked for 20 years in a job that's always required travel and nights away and it's just expected that's what you do regardless of your salary grade. Whereas my dad worked for a company that got proper flexi-time and they accrued hours of leave every time they went anywhere. He used to be horrified that we didn't get reimbursed for our travel time as every time he went to London for a meeting he got the best of a day off in lieu!
4 days a week is no reason for you to be on a lower grade though unless there's something they all do on your non-working day which you don't have the responsibility of.

I think living the dream for most men is having a wife who looks fantastic, smiles despite exhaustion, brings home almost as much money as him but never more, works as many hours as him but never at his expense, all the while doing all the childcare and housework.

I think OPs husband sounds like a bully and a lazy entitled bore.

This.

Sounds like OPs alternative might have been to leave the workplace altogether, and isn’t it great she’s managed to find something that’s a better fit for the same wage? A loving DH would be so pleased for you.

Your husband is facilitating your lifestyle and the privilege of being able to work in a position that yes, you may enjoy but doesn't benefit the family.

He is earning the majority % of the money, funding the lifestyle, is 50/50 otherwise as you've said he's hands on generally and then has to do more than his fair share to facilitate your low paying role thats taking the piss out of you.

It's just not conducive to having a family unit and ADHD or not you're just whining and doing nothing to help the situation by hiding behind a lack of diagnosis and "fear of confrontation"

It's not the same wage though is it, because she's lost all of her extra benefits so it's essentially a demotion.

Her mental health was suffering because she did nothing to move towards an official diagnosis. There's no pro activeness here at all.

OP as the mother of a dd diagnosed with adhd, the diagnosis and medication made all the difference. We had to do it privately.

Are you hesitating over a private diagnosis in case adhd isn't confirmed? If not do get on with it.

I also wonder if some career coaching/assessment of what you are suited to might be helpful. Perhaps you haven't flown for being in the wrong job?

A bit of a tangent, but does your employer have any kind of mentoring scheme as I think you'd really benefit? I currently mentor a more junior female colleague who has recently switched roles to a very different team and is struggling with confidence. It can be really useful to have someone outside of your line management structure to discuss issues and create strategies with who also understands your work environment.

They should also be able to help you navigate any kind of Organisational Health Assessment that you should be referred for if you're struggling with your mental health/ADHD especially if you receive a diagnosis.

He doesn't accept that I'm certain I have ADHD and says I just need to try harder and stop making excuses.

He doesn't exactly sound like a Prince Amongst Men @BrokenArrowzzz

maybe say to him that you agree with him, you're not paid enough.

Then present him with an invoice for all the childcare and housework you've done over the year, and that he is now moaning that he has to do on an occasional basis.

It sounds like him having to support you with some of the day to day chores is a wake up call he doesn't like very much!

It's a interesting and very privileged world where OP is regarded as low paid.

Your DH is being horrible, telling you that X's wife is only 32 but earns 65K. So what? If the dollar signs are that important to him, he should have married someone with a big paycheck. He is a d*ck for making you feel like crap, when your job is actually challenging, interesting and creative.
It requires a bit of travel but if your DH doesn't have a big commute, why is he so frustrated over a few days a month? A loving spouse should be supporting you to achieve your dreams. Anf your dreams don't have to revolve around conventional ideas about "success" and "wealth".
You should both work out your values and decide on where to make changes. If living in a ritzy area and sending kids to private schools is a priority, then you should make your jobs and choices fit that. But if that's HIS priority only then no, don't agree to do things,which would make you unhappy and compromise your own values. Work on finding a middle ground, or work on LTB if he continues dismissing your feelings and putting you down.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

An idea. I think you could find help from a Life Coach, to talk you through how to deal with your line manager, to discuss a wage increase and grading. Of course you will have to choose one carefully, that will suit you and your needs.

It's just not conducive to having a family unit and ADHD or not you're just whining and doing nothing to help the situation by hiding behind a lack of diagnosis and "fear of confrontation

Can we stop the victim-blaming of the OP? Do you even have any idea what it is like to live with a condition like ADHD, and the likely anxiety and self-doubt it generates. Her dh does not even believe she has ADHD. She is in the grip of this, working, raising a family and not getting support from her loved ones.

Of course she can get and should get a diagnosis, but can you not see why she has not taken steps in that direction yet. More support and less judgment will be helpful.

But the husband doesn't sound lazy, he's doing one drop of and both school pick ups every day. 1-2 times a week he's having to do both for both children, plus sort dinner etc. I think the true test of whether the ops job pays enough is if she could buy in the support she would need if she became a single parent. My own opinion is they are taking advantage. I wouldn't be travelling away from home if on less than 30k. I understand that a fulfilling role is priceless but being paid appropriately is a part of that.

Then present him with an invoice for all the childcare and housework you've done over the year, and that he is now moaning that he has to do on an occasional basis.

I always laugh when this comes up. Surely he could then knock off the ops living costs. Gas, electric, water her half of the mortgage, half the school fees, food, transport and anything else he covers