Husband says I don't get paid enough

[BrokenArrowzzz]

I am in a new-ish role (6 months) that I'm really enjoying. It's constantly changing, very creative and sounds a lot more impressive to people than the role pays.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled to progress and stick to a job for more than 3-4 years. I was really unhappy and failing in my previous role, and was fortunate enough to move into one that is really suited to me. The problem is it doesn't pay very well. I haven't had an increase in my salary for 8 years. (Less than £30k) In fact the new role I have taken is the same salary as my previous one, but a grade lower so I've lost my private medical benefits and taken a cut in any bonuses. I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Recently my job has involved me needing to do a small bit of travel within the UK - both day trips and overnight. This means my husband (who is always very hands on) is left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. He tells me straight up that my job is taking advantage of me, that I don't get paid enough, that it's <the job> 'not working'. When I try and tell him I have to pull my own weight in the team and things work on a tight schedule that I just can't get out of he challenges me by saying 'well I bet they make more. How much do they make?' Like I'm supposed to know?? I don't talk about money with other people. I ask him what he would like me to do - quit my job? Work in a shop with an even worse (I assume) salary, but that's more suited to him. Each option I can think of would leave us financially worse off. He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter. He's frustrated because he pays for almost everything including the children's school fees, most household bills, food, etc. Its taken me ages to write this out, and I honestly can't even remember why I started it. More just to vent I guess.

Op get a private diagnosis of ADHD. It will be around 1k.

I am assuming your pay is pro rata- so you are bringing in less than 30k working 4 days?

Keep on with the pay rise ask…

I have diagnosed adhd so yes I do have an idea what it's like to live with the condition, not that that was the answer you were so clearly fishing for lol.

People self diagnose themselves with all manners of executive disfunction disorders as some type of cop out.

The ops family are very obviously privileged and high earners so the lack of urgency to get a formal diagnosis after 42 years is quite astounding.

Compassion fatigue is real and after a while listening to someone complain about the same thing or because of the same reason gets very wearing.

He is the majority earner, as op admits pays for everything (where is her wage going??) And clearly does more than his fair share household wise.

Its all relative. A job that involves overnight stays and regular travel to London for work, is low paid at around that wage. I live in the North and never come across on this pay level that requires regular travel and very long days.

Even in Yorkshire, our entry level admin staff are on not much less than the op.

Me too !! 30k for a four day week sounds bloody marvellous to me !

It's relative in the context that she's not had a pay rise in 8 years and has since had a demotion and seems to be expected to travel more than would be usual for a job at this level. If she was working 4 hours a week as a cleaner, no one would think she was low paid :)

Completely with your husband here. He earns the most money (by a considerable amount by the sounds of it) and as such you should be working around him, not him working around you.
Why did you take a demotion that would cause you to travel away? If this is what you want to do then fine but I would expect you to find a resolution to the issues incurred, and it not all fall to your husband.
You either need a higher paying job with travel, or, a low paying job with no travel. Not one that the disadvantages of both.
If this were flipped and a woman were having to pick up more of the family things because her low earning husband had taken a demotion which resulted in frequent travel there would be uproar.
I feel for your husband having to pay for everything whilst also having to pick up your slack. You should have found out all the details before accepting the job and if it didn't work for you as a family you should not have taken it - I think its time to start looking for a more suitable job

I think this is just the sort of thing you discuss between partners/spouses surely? My DP has been stuck on sort of the same salary for about the last 8 years too, although its a higher one, and we regularly discuss how poor the jobs market is in the UK and how he hasn't had pay rises in line with inflation so how it is basically a series of pay cuts year after year. By contrast, I'm self employed, and have put my rates up in line with inflation. It must be very demoralising to work hard and see your salary go down in terms of living standards instead of at least keeping pace.

I don't think your husband is criticising you? But he is right to point out that your employer is taking advantage of you (and employers are taking advantage of millions like you). You are actually a dream employee - prepared to work in a degree qualified job with years of experience for less than 30k without complaint and do lots of travelling and out of hours work on demand, with barely any employee benefits, such as private medicin.

tbh in any other developed country, salaries like this are a joke. So although the job might suit you OP (and its probably a good idea for you to stay in it) its a shame people like you aren't more valued in terms of salary.

And lets be frank, not getting a pay rise for 8 years is an employer absolutely taking complete advantage of employees.

I can see his point. He is earning the great majority of the family income, paying almost everything including private school fees and is doing at least half of the childcare/ housework, all when you are away. I don't know what his job is and he does sound very fortunate to be doing something very well paid and flexible as well but presumably he feels the pressure. You are in a privileged position to be doing something creative that you enjoy and enjoying the lifestyle that you do because of your husband's high salary and because he takes on his very fair share at home.
Who has chosen to live in an affluent area? Who has chosen to send the private school? Some posters seem to have assumed that this has all been chosen by the OP's DH. However, she hasn't mentioned that she has suggested moving somewhere cheaper/ downsizing or looking at state schools so presumably she continues to choose this expensive lifestyle too.

One thing I don't understand is why the OP suggests that she needs to wait 2 years for an ASHD diagnosis at the same time as paying for schooling and expensive housing. Why can't you pay for a private assessment? Surely this should be prioritised if it impacts you so much. Where does all your salary go if your DH pays for 'almost everything'?

I have diagnosed adhd so yes I do have an idea what it's like to live with the condition, not that that was the answer you were so clearly fishing for lol.

People self diagnose themselves with all manners of executive disfunction disorders as some type of cop out.

The ops family are very obviously privileged and high earners so the lack of urgency to get a formal diagnosis after 42 years is quite astounding.

Well bully you.

I suspect the last sentence says a lot more about your dismissive attitude than any understanding on your part.

If you are doing the same work as the other members of the team, then they are discriminating against you because you are part-time, and since the overwhelming majority of part-timers are women, then it could be said that there is a potential case for sex discrimination here.

He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

Oh, NOW I get it.
I bet he makes out he's being all reasonable & 'concerned' ... which is easily how this could have read ...
Until the point emerges that HIS role in all this is to manufacture problems, while YOUR role is to find solutions ...

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter.
Yeah, I reckon his way of presenting this as all your problem would make anyone feel like shit.
Funny though, how he has only defined this 'problem' with your owrk when it has an impact on his domestic duty though, isn't it? He was fine with you being "taken advantage on" before the role started to require you to travel & not be on hand for the childcare etc ...

He just says I need to 'think bigger picture'
A picture he cannot see, or offer solutions to, but tells you that you can conjure out of a hat?
How about this for a big picture - having finally found a job you feel comfortable in & can even excel at if left alone to focus & progress - that you now have a CAREER which you will be able to advance in, with clear demarcation of how to progress up to the next grade, receive training & mentoring, etc?
How about the BIG PICTURE of the hugely positive effect that is having on your mental health, let alone opportunity to progress & earn much more money in time?
How about a bit of support from him while you make that happen?
Your current role can give you everything you need in terms of bringing home more bacon ... in time. It is utterly ridiculous of him to demand you abandon it (as you say - for what? a lesser-paid McJob?) at the very moment that you are at last poised for progress.
No employer is going to give him the instant gratification & instant solution he is demanding.
He should be applauding your efforts & delighted that you have at last found a career path that can sustain you.

I don't have much time to reply, but with regards to my adhd that is yet undiagnosed. I only realised I most likely had it during the first lockdown when I was 40. It had never occurred to me before. I had just gone through like feeling like I never amounted to anything, was a complete flake, couldn't stick to plans or schedules, had poor memory issues, rejection sensitivity, etc. i was always told I had so much potential, but I just needed to try harder, and that I was just lazy. I've taken many online tests and score at the top of the charts for ADHD. It was all new to me and I sought a diagnosis during the first lockdown and was out on the NHS waitlist and told it was a year. My husband is not supportive of the idea that I have adhd and doesn't believe it's a real thing. I waited 18 months and followed up with the NHS to find out how close I was to getting a diagnosis appointment and they said they were still dealing with people from 2018. I had looked into getting a diagnosis through psychiatry UK, but they're now full until a October. I know it sounds stupid but I actually often forget about chasing for a further diagnosis, and am honestly not sure where to start looking for an alternative way to get diagnosed.

As for my pay - I've not taken a pay cut. The pay is the same and the number of days I work a month is the same. The only difference is that I'm doing a job that is better suited to me, and I'm required to go to meetings in London and do the odd overnight.

The role I am in now is a new one that I don't have any experience in. So I don't feel I can go in saying I have X number of years experience and you need to pay me more.

I am working on a plan to try and get the role moved up a grade, but I'm not sure this will be possible. Other team members have been working for 12-18 months to get their promotions, so it's not an overnight thing.

I'm not really sure what the right solution is. I feel I don't have enough experience in my current role to go out and seek another one when I don't have the specialist training on on the job experience that would get me hired elsewhere. I wouldn't want to go back to the job o left previously either as there was a lot of requirements for me to be online out of hours anyway and he didn't like that either.

As for contributing to the household income, the majority of my salary goes towards sharing in the bills like mortgage, loans, a small amount of school fees, and then I get to keep a bit for myself. So I do contribute. But just not to an equal amount that he does

I'm not sure whether jobs with travel are compatible with family life, whichever parent is doing it. I know some manage but there's always a cost either to the family unit or the relationship.

If you haven’t had a pay rise for 8 years, you have had a pay cut. Your pay is now probably worth somewhere between £5K to £6k less than 8 years ago. That’s what inflation does to your pay.

I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Hmmm.
I'm not convinced of the legality of keeping you 'behind' your full-time peers purely because you are part-time.
Please donlt take this as a "you must confront your employer immediately!" stance - but it's something you could get information & advice about - outside the company for now! - hope PP can advise you on where best to consult on that.

The next item to tackle would be the stakeholder interaction, yes?
Next time you schedule a one-on-one with your line manager, make this an agenda point.
Not as a complaint, or presented negatively. The way to present it is how much you are enjoying the role & looking forward to learning what you need to know in order to be assigned some stakeholder work. How you wish to level up with your team, increase your contribution, & make measureable progress with your employer. Ask for mentoring, ask for training ... in short, make damn sure your line manager knows that you are aware of the current disparity in grades & are simply asking for advice & support in how to best go about ensuring your own value to the organisation, & eventual progress through the grades.

So there are already 2 ideas you can bat back at DH.
However - don't raise them in defence. Just clearly & calmly tell him you are working on a solution, that the solution will NOT entail quitting this job, as that would not be beneficial for your & the family's long term security & earning power. And that, like any solution, it's not going to be instant.

Don't let him suck you into detail, justification, pleading etc.
Just tell him you have taken his concerns on board, & while you'd love to be able to be in 2 places at once, quitting this job for a worse one will not serve your family's interests, so can he kindly allow you the courtesy of letting you crack on with the solution he has demanded, & stop banging on about problems?

I'm frankly appalled that he is putting his desire for you to do wifework ahead of your opportunity to resurrect your career, having taken time out for tiny things like giving birth & managing mental health ...

If he wants a solution, he is going to have to stop thinking short-term, & allow you e.g. 12 months to get used to the new role, protect your mental health, & start negotioting for career progression. Leaving this good job - no matter that it's not yet 100& "ideal" - would be bonkers, & defeat the entire object he is pursuing.

Ok so now we have a different issue, in which case he’s not supporting you or believing that ADHD is real.
this makes him a twat. He needs to be supporting you to getting a diagnosis.

I think thst majority of those commenting on this thread have no idea that ADHD for some of us is really like disability. If you read all comments by OP she has been very badly affected by it.
If there was another disability discussed in this context would all critics be as flippant and judgmental?
The whole society needs more education about neurodiversity.

If your husband doesn't believe ADHD really exists he is a 100% pure ignorant twat and unless you think you can open his eyes to the reality, he is never going to be the supportive partner you need and deserve.

There have been several threads on here with similar, but sexes reversed.
Each time it’s the same advice. You can support your partner… blah2 but ultimately if they don’t do anything to help themselves you can’t do anything, LTB.

Now that the OP’s H is unsupportive it’s a different story… he’s being a twat. But it’s not strange to wonder why someone in a high income family didn’t get a diagnosis.

I also have ADHD, diagnosed recently so I know about costs etc.

He's got a friend who's wife is younger than me and has made a point to tell me X's wife is only 32 and she makes £65k. 😒
OUCH.
He likes putting the boot in to make his point, doesn't he?
I bet you know dozens of men who out-earn DH. How would he like having his nose rubbed in that, I wonder?

I have a university degree, but I really struggle to persevere and focus on things well enough to really succeed at much. He doesn't accept that I'm certain I have ADHD and says I just need to try harder and stop making excuses.
FFS. So he is disablist as well as a negger. Although this is taking negging to gaslighting levels.

I've been on the waitlist to get a diagnosis for 2 years, and it's still no where in sight. I just wish I could find a way to focus and be successful. I've gone through 42 years of life feeling like I'm a failure and so misunderstood and my life has been full of missed opportunities. This whole situation makes me feel so low. Like there's not much worth going on for if I'm not successful enough
Please go & read some of your posts again, because ... well, let me tell you how they made me feel.
Just from the quality of your writing, I could feel the clarity, focus & intelligence of your mind. The post about your meeting with your line manager to discuss grades/progress conjured a woman who knows how to conduct herself professionally, understands how to best negotiate to obtain a mutually desirable outcome, who is not interested in blaming others/sulking, but instead makes herself aware when a manager is genuinely encouraging & supporting her personal goals.

You are impressive, Arrowzzz. You already have the hallmarks of success.
Your line manager has more empathy with your career goals & personal success than your own DH. maybe have a think about that before you accept his next negging bullshit so readily. Goading you about that younger woman's earnings was vile beyond belief. There is far, far, more to "success" than money. @Ccharlotte hits the nail on the head -
But you are getting paid and contributing to the family pot, and only working 4 days a week, and only away occasionally? So you are contributing in lots of ways for the family? Along with enjoying your job.

He doesn't get to dictate your career choices any more than you would dictate his. Unless he fancies doing 50% of the childcare because you have decided to marry your career instead, & divorce his venal arse.
(Not suggesting you do this! - but seriously - he is so undervaluing you that I wonder how long he's been doing it, how much he baits you about your not-yet-diagnosis, & exactly how degraded & undermined you are in this marriage.)

I am afraid I'm with your DH on this.

If he's carrying the burden of financial survival and wellbeing of your family - not just in that he's a high earner who pays for everything but also by being more stable earner - then I can see easily why he got frustrated with "the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings."

It is reasonable for him to expect any inconveniences from a job (loss of private health, lower bonus - so yes, it is a demotion not to mention travel and long evenings) to come with a clear benefit of either a higher pay check or more flexibility to accommodate family life.

He's also lucky enough to work from home all the time, so doesn't have a commute.

She's changed jobs because the old job was affecting her mental health. She's not earning substantially less and may well have further opportunities once she's more established in the role.

She's not doing 50% travel fgs, she's doing it once every few months for a couple of days.

I don't think we'd all be saying we have a mental processing disorder if there wasn't quite a lot of evidence, which the OP has had. She had the stress, anxiety, organisational and executive processing issues first and then put two and two together afterwards.

She does the bulk of the childcare, and I'll bet most of the housework too.

Why is it such a hardship for a man to look after his own children once a week?

None of this calls for the husband comparing her unfavourably to others or belittling her. That's not going to help anyone's mental health or find a better arrangement longer term that suits both of them. If he's got an issue or is feeling overwhelmed himself he needs to sit down and discuss it like an adult. Not behave like a sulky child.

It sounds like he spends way too much time comparing himself with others and whingeing because he thinks they've got a better deal. Poor him...

Come on Aqua you're usually so much sharper than this! (Sorry you maybe hadn't caught up to OP's updates yet ... you usually pick up the subtext that many PP can't or won't see ...)

Unless OP can ask for the raise tomorrow, & get it on Monday, her H isn't going to stop carping at her, is he?

He needs to be told to get back in his box, stop dissing his wife's neurodiversity, & STFU about what other wives are earning.

I wonder if OP is able to pay £500-600 privately if her DH is so dismissive of her earning potential. She didn't comment if she can jut take that money from the family pot or has to "save". Earning ~28k, contributing towards the family pot won't leave her with much money every month.
If any of you were ever doubted by your partner you'd know how low is your confidence.
If he "doesn't believe" in Adhd he is also unlikely to part with money to prove him wrong. Private appointments don't end at diagnosis. If you want medication you pay for it and also you pay for subsequent visits where your dosage is tweaked, £150 a visit I hear.
Often needing several visits + the cost of medication and those are in 100's.

It's standard for publishing and a lot of similar jobs. I started out as an assistant on less than £20k per year and regularly had to do international travel or trips to London in a day.