Husband says I don't get paid enough

[BrokenArrowzzz]

I am in a new-ish role (6 months) that I'm really enjoying. It's constantly changing, very creative and sounds a lot more impressive to people than the role pays.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled to progress and stick to a job for more than 3-4 years. I was really unhappy and failing in my previous role, and was fortunate enough to move into one that is really suited to me. The problem is it doesn't pay very well. I haven't had an increase in my salary for 8 years. (Less than £30k) In fact the new role I have taken is the same salary as my previous one, but a grade lower so I've lost my private medical benefits and taken a cut in any bonuses. I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Recently my job has involved me needing to do a small bit of travel within the UK - both day trips and overnight. This means my husband (who is always very hands on) is left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. He tells me straight up that my job is taking advantage of me, that I don't get paid enough, that it's <the job> 'not working'. When I try and tell him I have to pull my own weight in the team and things work on a tight schedule that I just can't get out of he challenges me by saying 'well I bet they make more. How much do they make?' Like I'm supposed to know?? I don't talk about money with other people. I ask him what he would like me to do - quit my job? Work in a shop with an even worse (I assume) salary, but that's more suited to him. Each option I can think of would leave us financially worse off. He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter. He's frustrated because he pays for almost everything including the children's school fees, most household bills, food, etc. Its taken me ages to write this out, and I honestly can't even remember why I started it. More just to vent I guess.

Do you think professionalism is only measured by the salary? How insulting. There are people who earn lower wages literally saving lives. Whereas someone could have a sales job and earn hundreds of thousands of pounds.

People work for the independence but also for the purpose and meaning of doing a good job in an important role. Thank goodness for that, because if we didn't have social workers, teachers, nurses, paramedics and other people doing their vanity/hobby jobs we'd be absolutely stuffed. Someone modelling for Vogue for thousands a day, not so much.

FFS we don't need arrogant tossy men with their vv important jobs to belittle us, we've got women taking the role too.

These men don't want to reduce their workload and take a less demanding job. They like the salary and the status. They also enjoy the opportunity it affords them to look down on their poor spouses.

Corking post @Yellownightmare

(Altho to be fair, @earthsight is usually an insightful & reasonalbe PP, so I wondered if her post was a tongue-in-cheek prod that the other PP's BigJob DH, & hoped she's in agreement with you)

Thanks Kenttriken! 🍷cin cin.

If I missed some irony from @EarthSight then I apologise. My comments weren't just aimed at her though but there are a few others on this thread that are definitely not being ironic...

Anyway I've calmed down now after a happy time on the parking thread. Go on it now if you haven't already, it's pure joy!

Like others have said, I think it's really important that you get your ADHD assessment booked, OP. Having an official diagnosis would be very validating and put you in a better position to deal with everything else. Even if it means booking something months ahead then you will have taken control of your situation.

I also have ADHD that was diagnosed in adulthood and was in a similar position with my husband feeling that he was carrying a lot of the load while I was just as resentful of him because I was overwhelmed with my own share.

I genuinely had no idea how poorly I was communicating with my husband before I started treatment, in particular the tendency to latch onto a negative comment and view so many things as a criticism on which I would then ruminate for days. For clarity I do think that the digs at your salary are hurtful and put too much of a purely financial value on your contribution but equally it is an important skill to be able to see the context in which the upsetting comment sits and whether your narrative is being biased by your emotional response.

Having ADHD is extremely challenging but being in a relationship with someone who has it can also be very difficult. For me medication is like having the subtitles on for my marriage and I cannot overstate how helpful it has been for navigating things way beyond the expected increased focus.

For what it's worth I think you should look at what you have achieved in spite of the undiagnosed disability; you have a family, a job you enjoy and an enviable lifestyle. Getting the diagnosis and treatment might help you to feel as proud as you should be. You are not a person who hasn't lived up to their potential, you have had to work really hard to keep all your plates spinning. Get the support to make it easier for all of you.

@Yellownightmare Lol. I was more trying to understand his mindset - why he thinks the way he does.

@Yellownightmare Haha. Everyone loves a good parking thread. Preferably with a diagram.

Do you think professionalism is only measured by the salary? How insulting. There are people who earn lower wages literally saving lives. Whereas someone could have a sales job and earn hundreds of thousands of pounds

People work for the independence but also for the purpose and meaning of doing a good job in an important role. Thank goodness for that, because if we didn't have social workers, teachers, nurses, paramedics and other people doing their vanity/hobby jobs we'd be absolutely stuffed. Someone modelling for Vogue for thousands a day, not so much

Yep - definitely misdirected anger here.

Can you not buy in childcare if there's an overlap in your working hours?
It does sound as if your employer is asking you to act up whilst having put you on a lower pay grade. That would not be acceptable for a lot of people, and it sounds as if you are worried about your job security given previous events.
It would be sensible to look around for another job, but there's no hurry. There's no reason why you wouldn't find something equally as enjoyable, preferably with better pay.
If the thought of moving jobs is very traumatic, look at what you can do to make the move easier.. more training?
I know lots of mothers on here do work full time in pressurised jobs, but it's actually very difficult if you don't thrive on stress and don't have good support at home. Having ADHD must make very much harder. Don't feel pushed into working full time without sufficient back up at home if you can afford to stay part time, if you think your mental health will be affected.

And I just have to say that the people suggesting that OP needs to be more proactive clearly don't understand what ADHD is.
It's because OP has this difficulty that she is struggling now.
Op, focus on getting a diagnosis as soon as you can.

Blimey another really insightful & stonking post - well said @DucktectiveQuack I'm sure OP will take strength & comfort from your firm & compassionate advice x

The conclusion at the end went off on an empirically untrue tangent but never mind. The rest of your post is very good.