Husband says I don't get paid enough

[BrokenArrowzzz]

I am in a new-ish role (6 months) that I'm really enjoying. It's constantly changing, very creative and sounds a lot more impressive to people than the role pays.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and have struggled to progress and stick to a job for more than 3-4 years. I was really unhappy and failing in my previous role, and was fortunate enough to move into one that is really suited to me. The problem is it doesn't pay very well. I haven't had an increase in my salary for 8 years. (Less than £30k) In fact the new role I have taken is the same salary as my previous one, but a grade lower so I've lost my private medical benefits and taken a cut in any bonuses. I am 42 and everyone else in my team are in their late 20's or early 30's. I am the only one who is on a lower grade (they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders).

Recently my job has involved me needing to do a small bit of travel within the UK - both day trips and overnight. This means my husband (who is always very hands on) is left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. He tells me straight up that my job is taking advantage of me, that I don't get paid enough, that it's <the job> 'not working'. When I try and tell him I have to pull my own weight in the team and things work on a tight schedule that I just can't get out of he challenges me by saying 'well I bet they make more. How much do they make?' Like I'm supposed to know?? I don't talk about money with other people. I ask him what he would like me to do - quit my job? Work in a shop with an even worse (I assume) salary, but that's more suited to him. Each option I can think of would leave us financially worse off. He just says I need to 'think bigger picture' and find a way to make more money with hours that work better for the family. But he never gives me any solutions.

His comments leave me feeling worthless and like I don't matter. He's frustrated because he pays for almost everything including the children's school fees, most household bills, food, etc. Its taken me ages to write this out, and I honestly can't even remember why I started it. More just to vent I guess.

Op says she earns less than 30k. And has less benefits and bonuses in this role.

I don't think she earns 32k pt.

It sounds like it is the childcare he is objecting to first and foremost.
He can't dictate what job you should take and even less how much the company will pay you.
I would look at paid help to get the DCs from school, babysit them until he gets home or something like that if it's the childcare which he resents.

Show him the difference between male and female average salaries here and then tell him to shut the fuck up

Yup

You (both of you) are perhaps living beyond your means with the wealthy area and private school if you also argue over not earning enough money. But that aside, I think your husband has a point and maybe you are looking for excuses too. He must be carrying the family financially and I bet he can’t decide to give up his job for one on lower pay and benefits because it appeals to his creativity more.

You say he is hands on anyway but now as well as the financial burden he also has to single-handedly get children ready whilst you go off on your low paying but enjoyable job. Honestly if the sexes were reversed the responses would have been very different by now.

I have travelled a lot with work over the years. I did it when I was low paid but young and just starting out in my professional career and I have done a fair bit more later on, but when I was earning a high salary for it. I would not be happy about work related travel if I had low pay and young children.

You say he is hands on anyway but now as well as the financial burden he also has to single-handedly get children ready whilst you go off on your low paying but enjoyable job. Honestly if the sexes were reversed the responses would have been very different by now.

Yes they would. No one would be challenging a man having to travel occasionally with work and leaving the woman to deal with the childcare. All these people feeling sorry for him for having to get the children dressed and to school. Literally zero sympathy for the many, many women that do that day after day, many with FT jobs.

OP it sounds like he’s not happy at having to step up and solo parent occasionally to me.

MN would tear the man to shreds , if the wife was also shouldering the burden of paying the vast majority of bills and school fees etc, while the DH was doing a job he enjoyed, but that paid little and took him away from home often.

OP
Sending children to fee paying school is a choice.
Living in a wealthy area is a choice.

OP IS earning, so no, your husband DOESN'T pay for everything, but I suspect he feels he pays for 'everything important' and so undermines your contributions even further?

And yes, some roles are not overly well paid, and you still need to go away overnight.

OP did you take time off with children? Has that had an impact on your career?

I'm absolutely astonished at replies saying 'i see his point' 😡😡
Yes, he can ( probably correctly) point out that you should not be on a lower grade due to the part time nature of the role. But he absolutely may not compare you to others in an effort to make you feel bad. He cannot say you are 'making excuses'. How dare he?

OP
Is your household income enough to pay for everything? Or it it just that your husband wants more?

My DH travels with work, it's hard. I have to beg favours as sometimes the dc have activities that clash, I'm effectively sat in in my own after 7.30pm, can't do my own clubs or go for a run etc.
We make it work because he earns well, and I'm part time and can flex around him a bit. I really wouldn't be willing to flex around him if he was earning 25k, sorry op!

Has the op actually said anywhere that it is her that does all the school runs and pick ups?
left looking after both children, getting them ready in the morning, doing drop offs and pick ups, dinners, bedtimes etc. He's getting very annoyed with me and the fact that my role is 'demanding' and requires me to be away from home sometimes and not around to help in the evenings. I've read from that she's not around in the evenings at all.

I think you are entirely wrong.

The dh couldn't just decide he was taking a job with less benefits and bonuses because he enjoyed it. The op is very lucky that she could. It never seems to occur to people that the higher earner may prefer not to be taking the full financial burden whole the other gets to do what they fancy employment wise.

Those things that you pointed out that are a choice, they are also the ops choice.

You actually have no idea how much the op contributes to household expenses or what portion of their monthly bills that is.

I agree with posters above. If the sexes were reversed, people would be saying the op is taking the piss.

I can't give advice because I couldn't hope to be at your level (maybe given 9 years I will!) but fucking well done OP, it's really not easy with ADHD and it sounds like a fantastic achievement to me. Genuinely.

I agree with pp - I don’t agree with your DH or the things he’s said, specifically with regard to comparing you to others.

However, as he himself is the main breadwinner and by the sounds of it facilitating the lifestyle (may be wrong if there’s family money/inheritance etc), wealthy area and private schools and also is hands on, then I guess it’s one thing for you to be able to pursue different roles but quite another when your role is adding to his workload while you’re off on overnights.

I’m guessing he feels like the remuneration you get isn’t worth the extra stress and work he has as a result.

This is probably making him bitter and probably more as a result of the perceived (and I think he has a point) unfairness of him having to take on more work alone to facilitate you in your role when he’s already carrying the family financially and as pp say, presumably already with a stressful and demanding role of his own.

He probably doesn’t perceive any ROI in your role from a family perspective, as you’re having to stay away and he’s having to do everything on those occasions, but the financial reward doesn’t make this worth it from his perspective. I do think he has a point.

I totally understand the ADHD element- I am exactly the same.

It’s not all about you though; you have kids and you’re meant to be a team with your DH and it’s not fair to expect him to carry everything while you can just pursue a low paying role which negatively impacts his workload and responsibilities.

Thank you for your replies. To provide a bit more context and to answer some questions.

I can work for home some days, but now that we are returning to the office or if I'm out away from home for work I would still be able to drop off one of our DC. I am around in the evenings and make dinners and do bedtimes with the children almost every night. It's only if I travel or am away for the day that I can't. He collects the children as he mainly works from home and on his own hours so it's easier for him to do.

I think my husband got very used to having me around during lockdown and isn't happy when I have to go into the office or out into London for the day. I feel more so at an inconvenience for him. I am with the same company. I really struggled during lockdown with an increased workload and my mental health. I found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on work and due to my adhd I find it incredibly hard to keep on top of emails and multiple projects requiring me to put presentations etc together for 3-6 different projects at a time. I had been doing well in previous role but then the workload got too much and I began to hate it. My anxiety and self confidence went out the window. I would cry daily and my performance suffered for about a year and I was going to be forced out and most likely let go, but then got to move to the other role internally. It wasn't until after I agreed to accept the role that I was told it was going to be a lower grade. My pay however has not changed. Only my grade. They said I was on the lower end of my previous grade, but now I'm at the highest end of my current grade. Still - I have not had a salary increase in 8 years.

As for the travel, it's minimal. Every few months for 2-3 days in a row overnight (this is what he has the biggest issue with). Day travel into London requiring an earlier start before the children are up and then getting home about 6-6:30pm is about 3-5x a month.

I don't have the confidence or skills to just jump into a higher paying more senior role. I do not like confrontation. I could never (and have no desire) to manage anyone in a team which is often the next step up as a more senior team member. I have a lot of basic experience in my various roles, but I who don't say I ever became an expert in any of them so as a result I have a experience with a lot of things, but I'm not amazing at any one thing if that makes sense. So I would struggle to jump into a higher paying role with more expected of me. I feel like I really don't know how to interact with senior stakeholders and find presenting and engaging with them very intimidating. I usually just make an ass of myself and go and retreat into my own area again after. I'm quite introverted because I don't have much self confidence unless it's with something I'm really passionate about like my new role. I would love to carve this new role out into a higher paying role in the next grade. I do feel like a valued member of the team and I enjoy what I'm doing now which helps a lot

OP, have you not even had a cost of living increase in 8 years? If you've had zero increase since 2014 then your salary has in effect gone down.

(they said because it's because the role is 4 days a week possible discrimination due to mainly women having to work part time

and doesn't have interaction with senior stakeholders unlikely to be discrimination ).

@WhenDovesFly

OP, have you not even had a cost of living increase in 8 years? If you've had zero increase since 2014 then your salary has in effect gone down.

I have received the standard company wide 2-3% annual increase.

so OP if your ADHd (yet undiagnosed) is having such a big impact - why haven’t you done anything about it?

We also have thread after thread about DH/DO from depression, bipolar etc and the advice is always … you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Have you exhausted every Avenue in getting diagnosed and medication?

Your MH is important, but your husband may be under a lot of stres etc too. Which you may not realise. Men tend to hide it, and nobody realises until it’s too late

*also to add I know you’re on a waiting list but there are options.
A couple of people I knew got it done online , you have to pay though.
Psychiatry U.K. , which has a shared care arrangement probably has a long waiting list but it’s not the only one

While I agree that your work are taking the piss I also think your husband needs to learn that living the wealthy lifestyle and sending your kids to private school isn't essential. You're financially comfortable - so what's wrong with state school? Unless there's a massive backstory here, you could cut a chunk of unnecessary expenditure right there and settle for work life balance.

When l worked in London then getting home at 6.00-6.30pm was very rare. I was lucky to get back much before 7pm. Increasingly it sounds like he’s getting irritable about doing some parenting, maybe he got too comfy in lockdowns with you being around. He needs to get used to you being less accessible and doing more solo parenting. You don’t have to live in a super expensive area or privately educate your children, these are all choices

It’s not all about you though; you have kids and you’re meant to be a team with your DH and it’s not fair to expect him to carry everything while you can just pursue a low paying role which negatively impacts his workload and responsibilities.

I disagree with the thrust of this. Because OP IS a team with her dh, her self esteem and job satisfaction from a role that gives her joy and purpose counts a lot. Her dh should take that into account and in my view OP's needs trumps his minor and temporary inconvenience occasionally whereas the OP who has greatly suffered with her condition all her life. 'Low paying' just sounds like OP has no worth above what she brings in financially. What about the great value of having a happy and fulfilled partner and mother?

OP's dh is being childish and frankly dismissive of her condition and looks down on her job as he only allows her to have it if he is not inconvenienced. I am not sure he is a very nice man.

Sounds like OP is not being supported and seen as somewhat of an appendage to the Big Man's needs.

I think your husband has a point but he also sounds like a bully.

I would not be happy if my husband left his job for a lower paid role which required him to travel.

So he does do alot of the school runs and is actively engaged with the kids, on a dat to day basis.

He also works around you? Surely if he is taking time off for school runs that needs to be done at some time?

I think you can want to stay doing what you are doing and he can want the situation to change and both can be right and a bit wrong.

As pp said, you need to help yourself. He needs accept that might be a long road. But most people, regardless of what they say, would not be happy for their partner to go to another job that's, effectively, a pay cut but means they are absent more while they pick up all the financial and practiacal burdens that have arisen from that choice.

But then it's not practical to stay in a job you hate either. I can genuinely see both sides.