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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
pinkpapaya · 18/04/2022 16:31

@Nanny0gg 'Before internet porn it was in very seedy porn movies as something extreme.Things have changed and not for the better.'

Absolutely this. My friend's husband is a criminal barrister for the CPS and the stuff he tells us about in the course of his work - young girls getting 'gang-banged', women forced into threesomes, anal rape - all things that men think have become 'normalized' through their experiences of watching porn!

Staryflight445 · 18/04/2022 16:38

The condom thing is rape.
He is also abusive.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 18/04/2022 16:40

That’s horrific behaviour. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It’s not normal.

For comparison, dh suggested we try it, and I really wasn’t enjoying it. I offered to try another time and he told me that he had no interest in doing something that didn’t give me pleasure and refused. I know that a whole generation have been harmed by porn, but truly normal sex within marriage is a mutually pleasurable expression of desire and intimacy.

Tilltheend99 · 18/04/2022 16:40

Oh God, sorry op that sounds awful. Flowers

As to all women do anal Hmm I’ve never done it and don’t intend to. I don’t really do blowjobs either as I have a high gag reflex. I’m also mildly phobic of touching semen Grin

Like you said (in not so many words) he is shaming you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with and shaming you some more when you tell him it doesn’t feel right.

He needs to cut it out and accept your boundaries or I don’t think you will be able to continue the relationship m sadly. Coercive sex is many awful things but especially shows he has no respect for you as a person.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2022 16:41

None of this is your fault
Please make some plans to leave him; he’s abusive and he’s sexually assaulted you
You have the absolute right to say no to any sex you don’t want; for whatever reason: whenever

Mischance · 18/04/2022 16:42

every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it

This is a classic - there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you and every woman does NOT do it. There is something seriously wrong with your partner.

I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now - oh please put that thought aside. You are just shitty at obliging his every whim - as you very definitely should be.

He doesn't want you on any contraception - who is he to say whether you are allowed to use contraception or not?

It is so hard when you have been in a relationship a long while - things can drift into situations where unacceptable behaviour becomes the norm. And this is what has happened here. You have become used to him controlling you and making you feel worthless.

Truly you must get some help and you must get yourself out of this life.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please get the help you need to end this.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 16:44

This is all awful but "he doesn't want me on any contraceptive" is chilling.

I agree!

Most women would tell their partners where to go and get on whatever contraception they want. If they haven’t dumped them by then.

For OP to not be on any contraception because he doesn’t want her to is frightening.
And it tells you everything you need to know about this relationship even if she hadn’t added any extra information.

Nocutenamesleft · 18/04/2022 16:46

I have never been truly horrified to read a post on MN

Most women don’t enjoy anal. He’s got it wrong. Some women do. But it’s like everything. Some women enjoy steak. Some don’t. Those who don’t aren’t ‘missing’ out

What he’s saying is abusive. You need to leave.

Please.

Tilltheend99 · 18/04/2022 16:47

Oh and him stopping you from using birth control is also abuse. There is no reason he even needs to know you are on it (as you have made it clear to him that you don’t currently want more children) You can get an injection nowadays from the go that lasts several months, he won’t be able to catch you out.

mehumumu · 18/04/2022 16:52

I imagine very few women want anal. I'm sure some do, but I don't know anyone who does it, that they've admitted to. I had a partner who was a bit obsessed with the idea, but I wasn't having any of it.

SuchAsSeals · 18/04/2022 16:54

I'm not surprised he's so into anal, because he sounds like a piece of shit.

Anyway! He's disgusting. You deserve better. And not that it matters, but no way are all women into that. He's either making things up or getting his information in some very strange places.

Brainwave89 · 18/04/2022 16:56

Hand hold OP. This is not normal. It is abusive, and you need to gather courage to leave.

Clymene · 18/04/2022 16:57

Your husband is abusive

Momijin · 18/04/2022 16:57

@mehumumu

I imagine very few women want anal. I'm sure some do, but I don't know anyone who does it, that they've admitted to. I had a partner who was a bit obsessed with the idea, but I wasn't having any of it.
There are women who really like it. But it is niche.

When I was OLD quite a few men said that they didn't want to do anal so plenty of men that aren't into it. Not sure if that is generational (40s/50s).

QuinkWashable · 18/04/2022 16:59

No.

Just no.

What your DP is doing reminds me of my ex, who was definitely both completely self-absorbed (I stopped enjoying sex because he stopped bothering to do anything I enjoy vs. basically using me as a masterbatory aid), and definitely trying to trap me into a third baby when I managed to still cling to my career (and thus independence) after 2.

Think very hard about if what you're getting is worth the cost in this relationship. I know it's difficult, when it seems minor in the grand scheme of things, but don't wait like I did until he gets so blatant with his cheating that you can't explain away the naked pictures/texts/sauna visits to all and sundry so you have to protect yourself and kids or lose all self-worth.

Mirw · 18/04/2022 16:59

Someone has been watching hard core porn and now wants to abuse you for his sick pleasure. Tell him to p off or you are reporting him. If you say no and he persists, it is rape. He might not like jail as the folks in these like anal too... Except he will be the one having to put up with it!

Katela18 · 18/04/2022 17:06

Eeek. I can see I am only going to echo what PP have already said but I can't read and run.

This is called coercive control and sexual / emotional abuse.

It is NOT normal for your partner to do anything sexually you aren't consenting to or comfortable with
It is NOT normal for him to shame or guilt you because you don't want to do certain things
Most alarmingly, it is absolutely not normal for him to tell you you can't be on birth control. He does not own your body and frankly it's none of his business. Please go to the Dr and get birth control. Also please call women's aid and get advice. This will only get worse.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 18/04/2022 17:08

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-60646285.amp
Reproductive coersion is abuse. Forcing someone into sexual acts against their will/stealthing is abuse/rape.
I agree with other PP this is likely to escalate. I have my fingers crossed for you and I hope that you get to safety soon.

Lalliella · 18/04/2022 17:08

He’s a controlling and abusive piece of shit OP. Please contact Women’s Aid for help to get rid of him from your life.

Lalliella · 18/04/2022 17:09

Oh and by the way, not all women are doing anal, I don’t in fact know anyone who does it.

Lalliella · 18/04/2022 17:10

Not that that’s even relevant, you should never do anything in bed you don’t want to.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 18/04/2022 17:12

This is sick

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 18/04/2022 17:14

As in he is and abusive and just disgusting

Lozzerbmc · 18/04/2022 17:14

This is an awful post. As others have said this is abuse. I hope you can make plans and end the relationship with this vile individual. He seems to think you are there to service him. How appalling

Popsicle33 · 18/04/2022 17:19

Please get rid of this twisted bastard. He is sexually abusing you. He's a vile bastard.