Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

Hi @yogibear0 I just wanted to add that like PP's I've experienced sexual coercion/rape in relationships. It's not uncommon, but that doesn't mean we should put up with these scenarios that traumatise us.

Trust me, you'll love the freedom and peace when you get out the other side. xx

Tmi but next time he pressures you just shit on his dick.

Tell him oops but that's what your arse is actually for...

@yogibear0 Hi OP - I read your post earlier and have been thinking about it all day. If it wasn't for the fact you have two children and have been with him for years, I'd swear you were talking about my ex. I remember a very traumatic night almost identical to this early on in my relationship with my ex, which stupidly I continued with and married him. I brought it up again not long before with split, only to be told that it had just been a little row that we quickly made up from to him, and in fact had been traumatic to him because it was so hard for him that I had got upset over anal sex

That was one of the worst and most traumatic nights of my life, and years later I still haven't really processed it. It's hard to look back at your relationship and see all the coercive and abusive sex, and to realise you've been sexually abused. It sometimes seems there is no end to all the different ways he abused me.

Please, OP, get yourself and your children away from this man. You are not safe with him. Your life WILL be so much better without him controlling you and you deserve and are worth so much more. Please get out.

I felt sick reading this and I'm so sorry for you.

"Most" women don't have anal sex and some who do, don't enjoy it. That doesn't matter. It's your body and if you don't want to do it he shouldn't be bullying you into it. The contraception issue would ideally be a decision made by both of you but if he's as anti condom as you say I wouldn't trust him to use them properly. Could you go and get the implant without him knowing? I certainly wouldn't be wanting to have another child with him based on how things are between you at the moment . Obviously you know him, I don't but it sounds like he's abusive and controlling and I don't think I'd be trying to please him sexually any more

You could try the contraceptive injection, it's only once every 3 months and no periods.

Also anal is a complete no from me.

Wow men really do shoot themselves in the foot don’t they? My partner makes me feel like a sex goddess everyday and as such gets it most nights, we have a great time and nothing is off limits. You need to tell him you won’t be having sex with him until he treats you as you deserve and that he’s completely brain dead if he thinks his approach is going to get him his way. If you are scared OP please get help to leave. Good luck

Op my mum lived like this for 50 years! It's no life. In addition he WILL also abuse the dc as they get older - effectively he already is!

I have to say my instinct with how he is, is that he's likely to also be sexually abusive to the dc my dad was to me.

Get advice on how to leave safely, this is important because if you don't plan and prepare properly for leaving you could put you and dc at risk and unfortunately it's also why so many go back to abusive men.

You need to work on not only leaving but staying gone. This is a dangerous man.

I no longer have friends, hence why I'm posting on here for someone to turn to. He's very jealous all the time. I'm constantly told I want to have an affair, that I want to be with someone else.

This gave me shivers!

He is incredibly controlling!

You are not pathetic.
controlling people don’t start off being controlling (else no one would be with them) they take their time and chip away at you.

They are very good at manipulating people and making people think that they are doing things for their partners best interests.

Please leave.
Remember he could have a tracker on your phone.
Make sure you delete any texts or recent contacts etc.

My friend is in a controlling relationship. She has fallen out with all of her friends and family. She has become a very different person to my friend.
We are not friends anymore but if she reached out to me I’d 100% be there for her.

You may think you have no support but please do reach out.

Does he work?
Is there any time you can post here freely/ring women’s aid.

Has he ever been violent or is it more mentally abusive?
I wouldn’t say anything to him just incase. Just make plans to leave behind his back.

Do ring women’s aid OP, you need to get out of this situation. Stick the kids in front of a screen and do it tomorrow - they will be quite used to kids in the background.

Talk things through and begin to get a plan together. No one should have to put up with this.

Does he go to work OP? Can you call women’s aid first thing in the morning? Stuck the kids inf ring if the tv with a snack and call them. Do you have an iPhone? You can delete a call from your recent call logs after you’ve made it, you probably can on other phones too.

As for contraception - the injection. He’s got no way of knowing you’ve had it. See your GP ASAP and explain the reasons you need it, they can also sign post you to other agencies for help as this is abuse.

Use your phone in ‘incognito’ mode for mumsnet/women’s aid.

You need to get out. Start making plans. Call women’s aid tomorrow morning. Start getting all important documents together and hidden away somewhere. Start packing a small bag of essentials for you and the DC and hide that somewhere.

Do you have family you could stay with? Anyone that could be there to help you move things out of the house?

@yogibear0

yes my phone is monitored from time to time. Maybe months apart but it does get checked! That's why I was unable to respond to posts earlier, if he sees me typing for too long he gets very suspicious. He has zero trust in me. When I get back from shops I'm asked who I spoke to etc, I'm just try to avoid talking to people in general now. At our oldest kids play group they had a stay & play for the parents. It was awful, I kept my head down so I wouldn't be seen "being friendly" with other dads. One of the other mums was having a conversation with me and because her husband was standing with her and involved in the conversation I'm some how disrespecting my dh? My entire story is just so messed up. I thought I could handle it all but 3 months into my second pregnancy made me realise this wasn't going to work and that I didn't want my kids to think this is a normal healthy setting. I'm just so afraid to be on my own after all this time with him and my confidence is gone! Yet deep down I know I coukd be so happy I suppose I'm afraid of the what if. I cant believe this is happening to me. I want to speak to womens aid but I never get a chance to call with having a 2&3 yr old at home alone with me. I have to admit I think its time I spoke to someone like that.

Do it

Message them

Let them know
They can get you out

He is a bastard

OP,

Contacting the police could be the most straightforward way of having him removed.

Terminating this pregnancy would give you space, if you felt that was right for you.

He has committed crimes with his behaviour.

Asking the police for help as you are controlled and monitored.

Is he a 17 year old boy from 2002?

"Everyone else does it"
"I don't like condoms"

He needs to fuck right off. OP I really feel for you. This is abusive and coercive and he is a giant shitbag.

Next time he mentions it turn the tables and tell him you want to try pegging. Ask him if he'd like a penis forcefully shoved up, what is essentially meant to be a one way street.

Please please leave this man. I hold my head thinking what the hell have I just read??! This is seriously abusive behaviour. I bet he controls the finances too.

You found the courage to post this thread
Please find the strength to get away. This is not normal. I am yet another woman that does not want anal sex. Not every woman wants it.

Take care

God op, I'm so sad for you. That's no life.
He's an absolute cunt.

I know it's hard but if you can, please try and speak to womens aid.

@billy1966

OP,

Contacting the police could be the most straightforward way of having him removed.

Terminating this pregnancy would give you space, if you felt that was right for you.

He has committed crimes with his behaviour.

Asking the police for help as you are controlled and monitored.

Yes

This would make it easier

Then get a restraining order

He is awful

So sorry

Just so sad reading this, its chilling. I hope you make it out one day. You only get one life xxxx

I'm a bloke and yet again I'm ashamed of one of my gender. You are being abused, mentally and physically.
It will only get worse.
Listen to the advice you receive from others here.
You deserve so much better than this creature of a man.

Awful to hear this. I have never done anal sex and I have a successful sex life (despite small kids); due to impact of baby 2 I will also never be trying anal either, even if DH and I split. But what I like or don't is irrelevant. Even if everyone does it, you don't have to!

Please start planning to leave. This man is abusive and controlling and likely rather dangerous.

Call womens aid, tell them you are with your children and never alone to speak in detail - they will guide you what to do

You will be happier without him I promise, as will your children. You can do this.

Tmi but next time he pressures you just shit on his dick.
Tell him oops but that's what your arse is actually for...

This is one of the stupidest responses I've ever read on here and I've been here a long time. This woman is being abused in pretty much every way and you think think it's appropriate to post this?

He is disgusting and abusive OP. Get away from this awful man.

Please, leave this abusive shitbag of a man.