Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

What a repulsive, cretinous, cunt your husband is. Be safe.

You should have sex with this man ever again. He's a nasty loser.

He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it

Hahahahahahahaha......the above has been said every horrible man, ever who has tried to get his girlfriend or wife to do anal.

Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet

I would normally recommend great condom variety/brand for this situation, but I'm not going to because I don't want you to encourage you to have sex with someone who has red flags waving around them.

A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.

I wouldn't feel safe around some like this. Again, so many red flags.

Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

Your situation might not be incredibly unusual (sadly) but it's not normal or healthy either.

Please stop fretting and dump him. Men like this need more women to laugh at them when they say ridiculous things.

@LoisLane66

He’s being “a bit selfish”
Wow, huge understatement there
What would you class as ‘very selfish’ in your book then?!

'Warn him politely'
'Don't get upset'
'Overstepped the mark'
'A bit selfish'

He's sexually abusing OP, @LoisLane66 - your descriptions are disgracefully minimising of what's happening. As per.

Is there no thread on which you won't minimise bad behaviour from men?

You seem absolutely determined to do so as often as possible at the expense of victims who may read your post and think men like this just need a 'polite warning' and for their partner not to get upset.

Do you think men who berate women for not wanting to continue with anal sex that is hurting them are the kind of men who respond to reasonable chats? Spoiler alert - they aren't. They aren't the kind of men any woman should be in a relationship because we deserve more. The fact they have children means its MORE important OP to ends this relationship, not less. Or they'll witness their mum, a victim of sexual abuse, losing more and more confidence until all they know about relationships is that men are in charge and women should do whatever a man says. Because this toxic dynamic won't just be in the bedroom, because decent men don't behave this way.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you deserve to feel safe in your home and to be able to enjoy a healthy, happy and pain free sex life with someone who cares about you. Your husband is not that man. He is an abuser.

Please consider calling women's aid to talk through your options

Get yourself on the pill and take sex off the table completely. These should be your immediate actions and will prevent any further pregnancies. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It’s abusive and wrong.

So what if he doesn't want you on contraceptives? If you want you on contraceptives, that's your choice not his.

Just like you get to choose what you do during sex.

What a nasty cunt! Is he willing to have something put in his arse...if no then there's your answer! Fuck him off..abusive prick

I'm overwhelmed at the amount of responses I've had on this post. I've tried to reply a few times but couldn't get the time to write a lengthy post.

Everyone seems to be asking a lot about our situation. I'm 35 we've been together from 19. As others have already guessed there's obviously much more goes on within my relationship that I haven't mentioned in the post. I've known for a while my relationship with him is not normal. I no longer have friends, hence why I'm posting on here for someone to turn to. He's very jealous all the time. I'm constantly told I want to have an affair, that I want to be with someone else. Even last night after the lovely comment he made to me about "he'd never be in that area in the first place if he wasn't getting anal" he then proceeded to tell me if it was another man I'd be "all up for it" , that "I'd spread everything for another man rather than the father to my kids"
I mean that's simply not true. I've no notion of wanting to be with anyone else. In fact when I get out of here I think I'd prefer to be alone and concentrate on me & the kids.
My life is very controlled. He doesn't specifically tell me I can't do something, go somewhere, meet someone but theres always consequences when I do that I now naturally no not to do it. I know that makes me sound incredibly pathetic. I've completely lost myself.
After having our kids who are 2&3 I got the implant in my arm our second baby was completely unplanned and I had a difficult time during my second pregnancy. I also ended up with post natal depression and attempted suicide. I found it difficult to cope with my second child and now I'm at a stage where my son (the 2nd child) has settled and I'm at a point I'm starting to find myself again. I don't think id cope with another child,not in this relationship!

I bled quite a bit during the 2 yrs I had the implant in which made him worse as I was unable to give sex full stop due to bleeding. I got it removed for that reason as he kept going on about me being on a period all the time and how it was killing our sex life. He also made me think it was the reason I wasn't feeling in the mood and the fact i was suffering from depression. So I had it removed. Since then I've been inundated with him making remarks about having another child. The thought of it all petrifies me. I also told myself when I got the kids up to this age roughly it would be easier for me to manage on my own as a single mum. I honestly don't think I'd cope with another and it wouldn't be fair on my other 2. Everytime I try to explain this to dh he just goes off on one telling me how it's unfair that women have the upper hand on issues regarding having babies and having abortions etc, I've also had him tell me that women are alright if they leave a relationship as they'll get automatic custody of the kids and fathers are left to weekend visits. His views on certain topics are disgusting.
But that's why I'm not on birth control anymore and that's why he doesn't want me on it. He does want another baby and in many ways I agree in ways he knows it ties me to him even more.

I feel so pathetic putting this out on the Internet.
Thankyou to everyone telling me he's wrong about all women enjoying anal. I mean I knew myself that was bullshit but he made me feel so embarrassed and like I was a prude or something for refusing anal. Thankyou for telling me my feeling are completely normal and more importantly relevant

So sorry to read this OP. What you describe is sexual abuse. Please contact womens aid local to you.

You’re not pathetic but you really do need to get this man away from you because to echo a few PPs, he is an absolute cunt of the highest order.

yogibear0 I just want to give you a huge hug.

The way he is treating you is very, very wrong. One day, this will be long in the past and you will feel totally free and your self again.

There is no hope for this relationship. You need to make steps to get out. And you need some support from someone like Women's Aid.

Let's talk practicalities.

Do you own or rent? Who's name is on your place? Do you have anywhere you could easily go to?

This man isn't going to make it easy for you to leave, take all the support you can. We are all here to support you. Women's Aid will support you.

Do you have any friends or family you can reach out to?

I meant to say, it might feel difficult but you can do it.

Leaving him will be so much easier for you and for your DC than staying., in the long term, and so much better for you all too.

You are NOT pathetic at all - you are being terribly, terribly abused (in multiple ways) and you are so STRONG to have been able to recognise this!

I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now.

This is not true. What's actually happening is that you are being sexually assaulted.

I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.

I agree with your reasons for not wanting more children (with him). Don't rely on condoms. It's not his choice, it's yours.

I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

It's not that you're failing to explain it well enough. It's that he's an abuser. As others have suggested, call Women's Aid and make a plan to leave him safely. It doesn't matter if he has/has not hit you. He is still abusive (horrifyingly so). But you can break free of him and make a wonderful life for you and your children.

I didn't see if anyone else had asked - could he be monitoring you online? Are you wiping your history and signing out of Mumsnet every time etc.?

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

You are NOT pathetic at all - you are being terribly, terribly abused (in multiple ways) and you are so STRONG to have been able to recognise this!

I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now.

This is not true. What's actually happening is that you are being sexually assaulted.

I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.

I agree with your reasons for not wanting more children (with him). Don't rely on condoms. It's not his choice, it's yours.

I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

It's not that you're failing to explain it well enough. It's that he's an abuser. As others have suggested, call Women's Aid and make a plan to leave him safely. It doesn't matter if he has/has not hit you. He is still abusive (horrifyingly so). But you can break free of him and make a wonderful life for you and your children.

I didn't see if anyone else had asked - could he be monitoring you online? Are you wiping your history and signing out of Mumsnet every time etc.?

Absolutely all of this.

You poor, poor love I wish I could scoop you and your kids up and out of the environment you're living in with this abusive bastard.

He is disgusting.

You are not pathetic, you are a victim of serious emotional and sexual abuse.

Please, please call womens aid. Is that something you might be able to do?

Or you can go to a boots pharmacy and ask for 'Abi' (pronounced annie) and they'll discretely take you into the little pharmacy room and give you some numbers you can call. If you can find a pretence for going to boots that can be a good way to get initial help without alerting your abuser.

I'm so sorry you're being put through this

This is really sickening to read OP and you need to get away from him. Also I'm a woman and would NEVER want anal sex. Not "all" women do

Huge hug @yogibear0. I wish there was something I could do other than offer you sympathy. 💐

@yogibear0 you are not pathetic; rather your husband has ground you down over decades.
You can get help. There are resources with advice on what to do and where to go here:

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

As the NHS website says, domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Try not to be hard on yourself about this. I left an abusive marriage years ago, and have raised my son as a single parent. I have no regrets. I know other women who have also been abused; sadly it is not unusual. You are not alone, and you are not pathetic. You are worth so much more than this.

I don't think women and men realise the long term implications of this practice which can and often end with fissures, prolapses and damaged sphincter muscles which would then mean you would have no control over your bowel movement. You would need to be permanently wearing incontinent pads because of faecal incontinence.

yes my phone is monitored from time to time. Maybe months apart but it does get checked! That's why I was unable to respond to posts earlier, if he sees me typing for too long he gets very suspicious. He has zero trust in me. When I get back from shops I'm asked who I spoke to etc, I'm just try to avoid talking to people in general now. At our oldest kids play group they had a stay & play for the parents. It was awful, I kept my head down so I wouldn't be seen "being friendly" with other dads. One of the other mums was having a conversation with me and because her husband was standing with her and involved in the conversation I'm some how disrespecting my dh? My entire story is just so messed up. I thought I could handle it all but 3 months into my second pregnancy made me realise this wasn't going to work and that I didn't want my kids to think this is a normal healthy setting.
I'm just so afraid to be on my own after all this time with him and my confidence is gone! Yet deep down I know I coukd be so happy I suppose I'm afraid of the what if. I cant believe this is happening to me.
I want to speak to womens aid but I never get a chance to call with having a 2&3 yr old at home alone with me. I have to admit I think its time I spoke to someone like that.

This is the talk to Ani scheme: www.gov.uk/government/news/pharmacies-launch-codeword-scheme-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims

A journalist in Oxford tried this out recently in branches of Boots, and not all of them understood, so be aware that they don't all seem to have has their training yet. Maybe find a reason to visit your GP; they should know how to direct you to some assistance.

Women's aid have advice on their website on how to hide your Internet activity if that is an issue for you.

Please start making plans to leave, he won't change, he will just get worse.
And please don't have any more children with him, it's another tactic to get you to rely on him more.
I really feel for you, but don't let your children grow up thinking this is what a relationship is suppose to be like.
Contact womens aid asap

You need to leave, you are not safe Please call the police (you can text them), or anyone who will come and get you

He is hurting you

He will carry on hurting you

He will never stop hurting you

See your GP and get reliable contraception sorted out. Fuck your H, he cannot dictate what you do with your body. You do NOT want another baby with him as it will tie you further and prevent ending this abusive travesty of a marriage. Woman's Aid will help. They can cope with a toddler distracting you. Make sure the number is disguised. They will help you.

I also want nothing to do with anal sex thank you !

@higherthanthat

What everyone else has said. Your partner is sexually and emotionally abusive. I have a bloke who is little more than a shag buddy. If he suggests something I don’t want to do, he accepts it immediately, and says he would never want to something we both weren’t enjoying. I say similar to him when I suggest something new. That is what a normal, mutual, respectful sexual relationship looks like.

As an aside, There was a comment on page one that anal is not the problem as it should be ‘nearly painless’ if done right. Ye Gods! How much are women’s boundaries being eroded if they are exhorting each other to see ‘near painless’ sexual practices as acceptable! And that this comment is made to a woman in an abusive relationship! I despair!

Yes the "nearly painless" didn't sell it to me either! Yuk! I know that men have their prostate glands stimulated by it but I really can't fathom what's in it for us women at all! Except for pain, possible future incontinence and a feeling of being demeaned and devalued! I've never done it, but all women I've known who've told me they have, all told me that it hurts and they did NOT like it!

OP, never, ever again do anything sexual you do not actively want to do and like! With anyone! Treasure your womanhood!