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Original poster

DH is turning into a recluse

141 replies

sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 08:14

DH has always been quiet, but as he is hitting his mid 50s all he wants to do is sit in the armchair and snore. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything other than work. My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that. But in the meantime, what about me? DH is turning into his father and I can see it getting worse as DH gets older. My MIL coped with DH father as she was heavily involved with her local Church and kept herself busy and socially connected with her Church choir, Church coffee mornings etc etc. But I am not a Church person..

my time at the moment is spent running the house and continuing to raise the kids while they are still at home while DH is either working or snoring in his armchair...

Trying to prepare ahead to begin to carve a little bit of life for myself when they have completely flown the nest as I dont want to be dependent on them for a social life as that isnt how it should be..

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

OP posts:
Aniita · 17/04/2022 08:18

If is happy living like that, then all you can do is go and find your own things to enjoy. WI, like you say is a one, although round here the meetings are only monthly.

What other things do you like? Find a tennis/walking/ running club? Craft/book club?

Join a course to.learn a new skill. There is opportunity to make new friends if the course runs over multiple weeks. Languages? Upholstery? Jewellery making? Etc

Could you volunteer for a charity?

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 08:19

How do you feel about having a new career of some type?

Aniita · 17/04/2022 08:20

Also, don't wait until the kids have left, that way you risk a big change in you life with little other structure to support you. Start introducing WI now,if your kids are of the age to leave home in a couple of years, surely they can cope without you one evening a month?

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/04/2022 08:20

Why wait to join the WI and start doing things you want to do?

Hercisback · 17/04/2022 08:20

If he's happy, build your own life. My FIL is similar a d my MIL didn't/hasn't carved her own life out. She hates being tied in with him but has no reason to go out. Join things now so they're your routine.

Ooaapaulmcgrath · 17/04/2022 08:22

Do you have a job? That can be a good social outlet.

Hoppinggreen · 17/04/2022 08:22

He sounds very boring but you probably can’t change him unfortunately
Find things to do without him and you don’t need to wait for your DC to leave to do that.

Bonbon21 · 17/04/2022 08:23

How do you actually feel about him?
You dont mention love.
Do you see a reason to be together after the kids leave home?
Do you want to be with him when it is just the two of you alone in the house together?
Can you be happy for the next 25 - 30 years with this man? ... living like this...
What do you want for YOU?

Riverlee · 17/04/2022 08:27

Why wait? Start developing hobbies now. And maybe a part-time job.

Maybe also see if you can engage dh into something. Have you challenged him about his lethargy? What does he say?

It may even be worth getting his bloods checked to see if there’s a medical reason,if he was previously fit and active. Sleeping all day is not normal in fifty year olds. Eighty. Yes, fifty, no.

namechangeranonymouse · 17/04/2022 08:28

Hobbies, clubs, learning groups, running, friends etc. Don't rely on him, make your own life.

lightand · 17/04/2022 08:29

I was going to start a thread sometime about something similar. Dont particularly want to write it hee as might take this thread of course.

My point is that it seems to me, that many men, and yes it is men in the cases I know, are struggling lately, in their 50s. Particularly late 50s.
Some want to travel - basically to escape something or other, but really life.
Some have left home[dont seem to have had an affair] but gone to live with their mum, after decades of being relatively happily married.

And yes, 1 at least has also gone to pipe and slippers.

Not sure what to advise. Is he burnt out perhaps? The pipe and slippers man I know is I think. Also may be slowly becoming ill too.

lightand · 17/04/2022 08:29

here as might take this thread off course - sorry for typos

WouldBeGood · 17/04/2022 08:34

I’d start your activities now @sandwiches77, and think hard about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with him snoozing whilst you want to do things.

I agree with @lightand that this seems to be a thing with men of around that age. Not much fun!

Springhassprunggrasshasrizz · 17/04/2022 08:41

Choir, learn an instrument, evening class, gym, bookclub, rambling, volunteering, sewing groups, sports. What interests/hobbies do you have? Your MIL got out of the house to socialise (and carved a social life away from her DH presumably) by being involved with the church.
It's tough being with someone who wont make the effort to do anything. How do you see retirement together if he has no friends or hobbies? Sounds like you need to sit down and talk about your expectations for the future together as its looking a bit unhappy dismal unless you both can make some changes.

ZarquonsSandals · 17/04/2022 08:41

Sounds like my friend's husband. He goes to work, comes home and ignores everyone. He's turned into a bit of a "Victorian father" in the last 2 years in his attitude to his late teen/early 20s kids. Recently told my friend HE put food on the table whilst she 'lazed about' on maternity leave (with 2 under 3).

It depends what you want. Are you happy with the situation but just need things to do? If you're not happy then you need to think of what situation would make you happy and see how to make it possible.

orangeisthenewpuce · 17/04/2022 08:45

I'm confused as to why you're not doing things by yourself now OP? Even if your OH like going out it wouldn't stop you having your own social life and interests. Your adult children don't need raising. Don't you ever go out with your friends?

Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 08:46

It doesn’t sound like you have built much of a life for yourself OP? You spend your days “running the house” but with adult children, what does that actually involve?

No work? Hobbies? Friends?

Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 08:47

I would describe your life as a reclusive on the basis of your OP

TweetTweetMF · 17/04/2022 08:50

Could you join your local womens WI? Or hobby groups? Book club? Craft club? Walking club? Or even hiking?

There's loads of clubs and societies you can join to carve out your own life. Smile

CheshireCats · 17/04/2022 08:50

Agree with @orangeisthenewpuce
Adult children don't need raising . Get a job and get some interests/ hobbies. And maybe make plans to leave if you are not happy in your marriage.

BIWI · 17/04/2022 08:56

Do you work @sandwiches77? If not, this sounds like a scenario from the 50s! 'Little woman' runs the home, does all the housework and childcare and then has no life of her own when her children leave the nest.

Does your DH have a manual/physical job? Could he simply be knackered?!

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you suggested things that you could do together?

As for you, depending on how old/fit you are, I agree with PP that looking for a job or a volunteering role would provide you with more social interaction. There are also many other things that you could do as well - have you heard of the university of the third age?

Fireyflies · 17/04/2022 08:57

There's a bit of a difference though between being boring/no interests and sleeping. If he's really so tired after work each day that he sleeps it might be worth trying to get him to a doctor to see if there's any underlying cause. Agree with others that you should get out now and make a life for yourself, but wonder whether you've really tried doing things with DH too? Could it be that you've got in a bit of a rut whether neither of you suggest doing much? Are there any hobbies or anything you'd like to do together that you could suggest again?

Original poster
sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 09:25

I do work although I have been working from home since the start of Covid and I haven't met my work colleagues in "real life" yet!!

I have tried getting DH to do things, but usually met with "can do" he then sits back in his chair. I have managed to get him to walk the dog with me today but that has taken a lot of effort and I feel like such a nag...

As you say my kids don't really need raising as such now as they are young adults but DH has always taken a back seat where the kids are concerned so left to me to guide them through each stage, so I end up being the "bad guy" when difficult decisions are needed. Sigh....

I tell myself that I am lucky to have a DH that works and provides for us, i know that sounds old fashioned but it is the only way i can cope. His job isn't manual anymore, he is now desk bound, however he lives for work...

OP posts:
Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 09:44

So he works and then chills at the weekends?

Arrivederla · 17/04/2022 09:50

OP - you haven't answered the question as to why you aren't building a social life for yourself now? Don't drag him along on a walk if he doesn't want to go... join a walking group or a Meetup group, meet new people, get out more!

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