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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is turning into a recluse

141 replies

sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 08:14

DH has always been quiet, but as he is hitting his mid 50s all he wants to do is sit in the armchair and snore. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything other than work. My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that. But in the meantime, what about me? DH is turning into his father and I can see it getting worse as DH gets older. My MIL coped with DH father as she was heavily involved with her local Church and kept herself busy and socially connected with her Church choir, Church coffee mornings etc etc. But I am not a Church person..

my time at the moment is spent running the house and continuing to raise the kids while they are still at home while DH is either working or snoring in his armchair...

Trying to prepare ahead to begin to carve a little bit of life for myself when they have completely flown the nest as I dont want to be dependent on them for a social life as that isnt how it should be..

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

OP posts:
sandwiches77 · 07/05/2022 16:19

Spent the last couple of hours in the garden, DH asleep inside the whole time

OP posts:
sandwiches77 · 09/05/2022 16:20

Just bumping this

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 09/05/2022 16:59

'DH asleep inside the whole time'

In all seriousness OP, could he be unwell?

sandwiches77 · 09/05/2022 17:29

It has crossed my mind but there is no way he would go to the Dr

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 09/05/2022 18:06

'It has crossed my mind but there is no way he would go to the Dr'

I suspected as much. So frustrating

Tell me to mind my own business if you like, but have you thought about leaving him and just getting on with your own life? You seem to have so much energy and lots of interest in life and other people. He's spending his life comatose in the living room. Would you feel better if you didn't have to deal with that anymore?

sandwiches77 · 10/05/2022 18:10

I want to give my kids a stable home environment. My DF wasn't around when I grew up so will pretty much endure anything

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 10/05/2022 18:15

That's really sad OP. I wish you all the very best x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2022 18:17

My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that.

You can't keep using the kids as a justification for staying in a miserable relationship OP.

For one, it means they aren't witnessing healthy relationships or happy single parents. They're witnessing unhealthy unhappy parents.

And secondly, they're older teens / nearly twenties.

You aren't 'providing a stable home life' for them as they are making their own lives away from home, as it should be.

I feel like (and sorry if this sounds harsh) you're almost codependent with the kids because you haven't had your emotional needs met by your partner so have had to project everything onto the kids.

That's not healthy for anyone involved.

MarvellousMay · 10/05/2022 18:19

Our local library has lots of activities for a very low cost (or free). During the day and in the evening.

I really respect you going for it OP. As others say, you only get one life. Leave him to sit in his chair if that’s what he wants to do. It’s emotionally draining trying to encourage force someone else to live theirs.

Only4You · 10/05/2022 18:44

Except that your kids ahve more or less all left home (or will be soon- they are ADULTS) so they dont need that 'stable home envirinment' you have wanted to protect for so long...

Don't use your dcs as a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. They won't thank you for that.

sandwiches77 · 10/05/2022 19:50

Thanks for this everyone, lots to consider

OP posts:
fuckwhatshouldido · 10/05/2022 20:24

My exH was like this. Worked, came home, sat on his phone, once the kids were in bed put some shit on the telly. That was it. No interest in seeing friends (we had almost no mutual friends as he didn’t know any of mine or show any interest in knowing them), no interest in going out, didn’t even want to talk to me. Used to snap at me if I tried to ask him about his day, I’d be chatting away to him and then realise he’d been on his phone the whole time not listening to a single word. Also not financially controlling exactly but we didn’t have a joint account so I had no access to ‘family’ money and he spent a huge amount of time stressing and stropping about money despite the fact we were financially fine and comfortable. I felt totally flattened…and he was only in his mid/late 30s. The next 50 years stretched out ahead of me like a prison sentence.

He’s an exH now and my life is awesome. I live on my own terms. No regrets.

FinallyHere · 10/05/2022 20:40

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

As I'm sure you have noticed, It's not just so easy to find the activities which are for you enjoyable in themselves and which widen your social circle. I was in a similar position a few years ago. My approach was just to join everything I could find.

I looked simply everywhere for opportunities. I read a lot of notice boards, both physical and virtual. The local FaceBook groups were probably the richest source of leads but a notice posted up in the GPs surgery which I happened to visit to collect a letter for someone, has provided ind if the very best leads.

It took purposeful effort and a conscious attempt to rule nothing out and nothing in, and to let go of how quickly things should happen. I kept a list of potential activities and tracking the progress I made which with each. Anytime I felt comfortable doing do, I asked people for suggestions for something new to me. It thought that would be my best chance but nothing ever came of those leads.

The scattergun approach has actually worked quite well. Some things I have joined fizzled out slowly or quickly. Others led on to other worse or better things.

The only thing that I didn't join was the group of dog walkers who very informally tend to walk their dogs at the same time. I did consider it a couple of times when I didn't seem to be getting anywhere.

Of course covid had an impact making some things, the ones like theatres that went virtual easier to access and others more difficult.

Some of those worked out better than others. Some I had to make a bit of effort to extricate myself from. Volunteers prepared to doing anything can be exploited by others to get their own stuff done.

Some opportunities are great but just don't work for me. A few of my favourites have actually changed time slot so they now clash and I have had to choose between them.

If all you really need is some interesting new activities and interests, then start now and just explore every lead that turns up. Give each thing a fair trial. I must admit that some have taken years rather than months to yield really enjoyable things. Others took off very quickly then ground to a halt when the glass instructor moved away.

The other question, which only you can decide, is whether you really want to spend the rest of your life sharing a living space with your husband? How seriously does he control your access to family money? Grumble about you spending or actual control to stop your access?

I've accepted that DH will never share my interests and has no interest in generating any of his own. He is happy with his own company and unlikely now to change. That's fine for me, as he wouldn't ever even think about stopping me and sometimes, very seldom, is even happy to come and say hello to people visiting me.

Only you can decide whether to stay or go. The activities will be necessary (for some people) regardless of your way forward.

All the best.

sandwiches77 · 10/05/2022 21:26

Thanks FinallyHere what sort of activities have you tried? Also what do you mean about your comment about volunteers?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/05/2022 21:54

@sandwiches77 Happy to oblige 😀

Local and national walking groups, yoga classes, dance classes, fitness indoor and out, exercise classes, Bookgroups, wild swimming, indoor swimming, exercise in water, amateur theatricals (on stage and back stage), tennis club, badminton club, roller skiing, roller skating, Nordic walking, (I used to run but no longer do so, so none of the many local running groups), hula hooping, local social get togethers for parents and for older age groups, gym, outdoor gym, gardening groups, interest groups based on different books / authors / programmes, theatre attendance in person and virtually, tours of local and National attractions, parliament, language groups, plus volunteering in lots of different causes attached to the local school and other local and National attractions.

Some contacts came directly from Meetup.com, other times indirectly from Meetup, by seeing something there which looked interesting but at a time when I was not free, so I followed up the same group at different times or related groups.

Surprisingly, very few activities seemed to be advertised in more than in place so it was worth my whole combing everywhere.

Anything that seemed promising, I signed up to be part of the organisation. It's an easy way to get to know peoples names and see behind the scenes of how things worked.

One volunteering opportunity was very friendly and welcoming from the very start.

The people really were lovely and great to be with. It took me a year or two to really wake up to the idea that I was doing things for that group from a sense of obligation to the individual people exactly because they were so lovely rather than because I was at all interested in their cause or even enjoying the activities. It wasn't that it had really been misrepresented more that I didn't understand the implications of what was really required. People don't tend to say 'no' to volunteers so I needed to be very careful about what I was agreeing to do, to be sure I understood what was required compared to what I thought I could contribute.

Anything and everything I encountered. Hope that helps and that you find some suitable interests

FlowerArranger · 11/05/2022 03:01

Seriously, @sandwiches77 ....... wouldn't you be happier and more content without him?n

sandwiches77 · 11/05/2022 07:56

Yes FloweArranger but FinallyHere really struck a chord with me and how she handles it and I feel in the same place as her, at least at the moment

FinallyHere some great ideas, thank you so much, I really appreciate your time. Lots I hadn't considered or knew existed! I haven't had any joy with meet up, even the groups local to me are too far away. Appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:
sandwiches77 · 22/05/2022 16:27

Just bumping this...

God knows why, but I still love DH... but he has been asleep again. Today he slept in, walked the dog for an hour, vacuumed (really surprised at this one, he never vacuums), made lunch and been sat in the chair ever since lunchtime and nodded off about an hour ago

OP posts:
EarthSight · 22/05/2022 17:53

Your husband sounds like he's ageing prematurely. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like in 20 years? Does he not want a more fulfilling life than that? Does he not see that the reason why he probably wants to sleep isn't because he fancies a little snooze, it's probably because he's drained, lethargic or just tired. Depression can cause that too. I'd be curious to know what his testosterone and iron levels are like.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/05/2022 18:04

OP you mentioned that he snores. Does he have any of the following risk factors:
high blood pressure
overweight
smokes
drinks alcohol (not to excess)

Does he ever sound like he's choking or stops breathing at night? Does he snore very loudly?

My ex had sleep apnoea which got worse as he aged and his energy levels were terrible until he finally got diagnosed and given a CPAP machine. He would fall asleep while we were watching TV, any time he sat down. It took falling asleep at the wheel (thankfully nobody injured) for him to finally face facts.

Or - you might just be married to a lethargic man! In which case you're already doing the right things in getting your own interests and social circle. You can stay with him if you wish (and he doesn't sound like a bad person) but make sure you have a life outside of him.

sandwiches77 · 22/05/2022 19:34

He is overweight but not massively

OP posts:
Mumtothreeandadog · 08/10/2022 18:10

I am OP with name change

Had a chat with DH about how I was feeling. He is happy to stay at home and sit on the sofa every evening, watching TV and/or falling asleep, but I am not. So I have joined 3 evening clubs. Weekends are tricky to navigate at the moment but I keep myself busy with running the house.

he isn't a bad person, just quiet and intervened which is getting worse with age. Pipe and slippers beckon

FinallyHere · 08/10/2022 19:43

Glad to read your update @Mumtothreeandadog

Hope you find lots of lovely connections and rich experiences.

Mumtothreeandadog · 09/10/2022 08:57

Thanks @FinallyHere -how you cope really helped and inspired me. Any advice for how I navigate times when just me and DH? I am mindful of doing anything too noisy as will wake him up!

FinallyHere · 09/10/2022 10:54

Lovely to hear from you @Mumtothreeandadog

How do you get on with headphones?

I treated myself to a pair of open ear bone conducting wireless Bluetooth connected headphones. They don't block out sound so I can hear the doorbell or anyone calling out for me and do provide an immersive experience to listen to the radio & TV

headphones

I particularly enjoy stories and plays on R4 and R4x.