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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is turning into a recluse

141 replies

sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 08:14

DH has always been quiet, but as he is hitting his mid 50s all he wants to do is sit in the armchair and snore. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything other than work. My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that. But in the meantime, what about me? DH is turning into his father and I can see it getting worse as DH gets older. My MIL coped with DH father as she was heavily involved with her local Church and kept herself busy and socially connected with her Church choir, Church coffee mornings etc etc. But I am not a Church person..

my time at the moment is spent running the house and continuing to raise the kids while they are still at home while DH is either working or snoring in his armchair...

Trying to prepare ahead to begin to carve a little bit of life for myself when they have completely flown the nest as I dont want to be dependent on them for a social life as that isnt how it should be..

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 17/04/2022 12:19

Is it possible he has some underlying issues with sleep, if that's all he wants to do? My DP has recently been referred to a sleep clinic and one of the things they quizzed him on was whether he often just dozed off when he sat down.

GeneLovesJezebel · 17/04/2022 12:23

My DH is retired and stays in bed until around 10am. He says he can stay in bed as long as he wants.
He then has an hour or so nap in the afternoon on the couch.
It irritates me, and I’m not sure that we’ll still be together long term.
In fact he mentioned booking a holiday recently, and I just asked what was the point when he’d lie in bed all morning and sleep the day away on the sun bed.

Original poster
sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 12:29

Brave face is required because i am trying to keep my family together.

Yes I am over dependent on my DC, they have been my world for the last 20 years

He keeps a beady eye on the finances and complains if i spend anything, he doesn't restrict access

Yes probably working outside of the home would be better for me but DH leaves for work early and get home late and someone needs to be here to walk the dog

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/04/2022 12:29

I am surprised people are surprised. Itnis something I hear a lot of re dozing on the couch in the evenings and especially re men choosing to opt out. It's a bit depressing tbh.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 17/04/2022 12:33

Someone to walk the dog is easily found. Look for a job, build your own life and independence.

MikeandDave · 17/04/2022 12:33

If you have a good relationship but your DH is just a stay at home type that is different from there being deeper issues in the marriage. If you still love him and enjoy most of your time together at home (when he is not sleeping) and he does his fair share of the housework then I can see you building your own interests and friends. If he is not very nice to be around and doesn't pull his weight then you might be better off if you LTB.

Siepie · 17/04/2022 12:35

I am trying to keep my family together.

What do you mean by this?

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 12:39

Thanks OP, your thread has provided great confirmation to me that I am right in my decision to not make my child “my world”. Don’t get me wrong they are a big part of my world but they take equal precedence with my relationship with my partner, my work, friends, social life and hobbies etc. I know this is a bit unusual on mumsnet which is full of martyrs and internalised misogyny but I do not want to be like you in twenty years time.

You deserve so much more. Don’t stay in your relationship because you feel like you should or for the sake of your children. They are adults now with their own lives. Now it’s time to prioritise you and make you happy, go for it!! 😊

PegsandBags · 17/04/2022 12:40

It is very difficult to just "pull yourself together" and get a life for yourself. That's not what you want, you want a life with your husband.

Sadly, I cannot see that happening any time soon. You can bring a horse to water and all that. Seems like he has checked out.

I would also say (gently) that you are finding excuses NOT to change things for yourself, the kids, the dog, the house etc. etc. so bit by bit that needs looking at too.

You mentioned in one of your posts that your husband is controlling with money. Is that a hint of some other issues? You cannot live a life where you work, run a home and still find finances difficult because of his attitude to family money.

I feel so sorry for you. I am not the most social of people either as I like my own company, but my life is varied somewhat, and the difference is, I am quite content with it, you are not.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/04/2022 12:49

That's sounds awful OP. I'm 60 and buzzing activity as well as working full time. I'm just off for a hike.
Not only is it boring but it practically guarantees dying young or getting some kind of disease. The body isn't designed to be static.
Apart from doing your own thing which you must. Cant you lever him out of his chair and get him to go walking with you, start cycling or going to the gym? He can't just sit there smoking forever. It's fatal for his health.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/04/2022 12:50

Not smoking....snoring.

BIWI · 17/04/2022 12:50

What is going on that you feel you have to be keeping your family together though? What do you mean by that @sandwiches77? It sounds like there's a lot more going on here, especially with references to financial control by your husband.

Riverlee · 17/04/2022 12:51

Look on your local Facebook page - you often find local meet-up groups.

See if there’s a local walking group - these are often free or very cheap.

Think about what hobbies you enjoyed pre-children - music, sport, art. See if there’s any classes or groups that run during the day. Or volunteer. At the local national trust property, conservation group etc. I used to go to a weekly womens golf lesson - I wasn’t that keen on playing golf but enjoyed the social aspect of it.

Hoppinggreen · 17/04/2022 12:51

@sandwiches77

No DH wasn't active before the DC came along and i have been too busy raising them that I didn't notice and yes I have neglected myself.

I dont have many friends or hobbies as got stuck in a rut with raising the kids and now they are starting to fly, i am left

yes I know i need to start now, but just don't where to start as trying to keep the family together by putting a putting a brave face on. Money is very tight and DH can be controlling over money so I have to navigate around that too.

I think this post suggests there is much more than DH being boring going on here
JudyGemstone · 17/04/2022 12:59

OP, it is entirely possible to own a dog and work. It does sound a bit like you’re making excuses not to.

It would be great for you to earn your own money, get it paid into a personal account so he can’t comment what you do with it. You might even meet some nice people through it too.

Seems like the ideal solution, at least initially.

Fireyflies · 17/04/2022 13:19

If you're not quite sure of a hobby or what you want to do I'd very much recommend meetup groups. My mum's joined one recently after being widowed a few years ago and struggling with isolation all through covid. Loads of events are advised online, you can pick and choose which ones you want and can also see who else is going. It's transformed my mum's life. And unlike the WI it would involve things that your DH could come along to too if he wanted. A part time evening job - eg in a pub - can also be a great way to meet people and make more of your evenings, and wouldn't be a problem for the dog

Original poster
sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 13:28

For example, i would quite like to join the local ramblers group but I know DH wouldn't want to do that. I have no problem with going by myself but just feel guilty. I already go to an exercise class once a week but people don't really talk much

Yes I am lonely and i feel forgotten about.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/04/2022 13:31

Where is the guilt coming from? Rambling Group sounds great and social.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/04/2022 13:35

@sandwiches77

For example, i would quite like to join the local ramblers group but I know DH wouldn't want to do that. I have no problem with going by myself but just feel guilty. I already go to an exercise class once a week but people don't really talk much

Yes I am lonely and i feel forgotten about.

I don’t understand why you would feel guilty? Guilty about what? Maintenance your physical and mental health?
MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 17/04/2022 13:35

Why on earth would you feel guilty about joining a rambling group?! Really. Why?

MikeandDave · 17/04/2022 13:36

You certainly shouldn't feel guilty, your DH wants to stay at home and would probably enjoy the peace and quiet to have another sleep! Leave him a pie for his dinner if you want to be nice and go out and enjoy yourself. If you want to look at your MiL as an example she had her church community and events and didn't feel guilty about that.

1forAll74 · 17/04/2022 14:06

Can you not try and encourage your Husband, to do a few things together a few times a week, out of the home environment, It's not healthy to be just snoozing in an armchair all the time.. It's a good time of year, to be going out and about.

orangeisthenewpuce · 17/04/2022 14:31

He complains about what you spend? Let him. What is he going to do about it? OP you have a choice. Carry on the way you are or do something about it. Ask him if he wants to join the rambling club. If he says no, tell him you're joining.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 15:16

Are you full time-do you earn a decent wage? He shouldn’t be moaning about your spends, if so!

CarmenThePanda · 17/04/2022 16:09

Join the ramblers! Now! Right now, and make the best of it this summer.

I just can’t think why that would make you feel guilty.

Why is money so tight if he works such long hours and you also work?

Honestly, this is ‘Your Time’. Build your business / career / job. Create your own savings pot. Pay into a pension.

Thinking of joining the WI ‘in a few years’ is desperate. C’mon OP, get your Mojo going!