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Original poster

DH is turning into a recluse

141 replies

sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 08:14

DH has always been quiet, but as he is hitting his mid 50s all he wants to do is sit in the armchair and snore. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything other than work. My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that. But in the meantime, what about me? DH is turning into his father and I can see it getting worse as DH gets older. My MIL coped with DH father as she was heavily involved with her local Church and kept herself busy and socially connected with her Church choir, Church coffee mornings etc etc. But I am not a Church person..

my time at the moment is spent running the house and continuing to raise the kids while they are still at home while DH is either working or snoring in his armchair...

Trying to prepare ahead to begin to carve a little bit of life for myself when they have completely flown the nest as I dont want to be dependent on them for a social life as that isnt how it should be..

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

OP posts:
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 17/04/2022 09:53

Have you told him that now the children are older, that you would like to do things together.
Walks, cinema, weekends away ect ?

WouldBeGood · 17/04/2022 09:57

It’s all very well having one’s own interests. I have lots of things I do alone, but it is lonely when one’s partner never wants to do things.

DDIJ · 17/04/2022 10:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Riverlee · 17/04/2022 10:09

Out of curiosity, was he active before? Or did you life revolve the dc, and now they are independent, you realise how little your dh does?

litterbird · 17/04/2022 10:21

There is a huge life out there waiting for you OP. Leave your hubby asleep and snoring and go for as many adventures you can, join all sorts of clubs, make new friends and get out there. Leave the kids to themselves. Its time for you now. If you are happy to accept who he is then the resentment wont start to seep in. Be proactive and find out what you want to do and experiment.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 10:26

If you’re working full time, sorting the house and and walking the dog daily-that’s quite a lot of hours filled already.

I’d be looking to start an evening class one night, go out with a friend another night, watching a film with DH on another and suggesting to him that you do something together every Saturday or Sunday. Tell him he’s being boring if he won’t! What would he say to that? Sleeping in a chair makes him sound like he’s in his 80s, not 50s.

If he genuinely doesn’t want to do anything with you, then I guess you need to decide if that’s how you want to live your life.

Your choices aren’t 1. Get involved in the Church, 2. Put up with it, or 3. Join the WI. This isn’t the 1950s.

orangeisthenewpuce · 17/04/2022 10:46

@WouldBeGood

It’s all very well having one’s own interests. I have lots of things I do alone, but it is lonely when one’s partner never wants to do things.
That's what friends are for. To do things with. I go for weekends away, lunches and nights out, walks etc with my friends.
Runaround50 · 17/04/2022 11:01

Find a job outside the home.
Start some hobbies and carve out your own life.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2022 11:07

You need to start doing things for yourself now. There is absolutely no reason to wait, and your children should be doing their fair share of the household chores. You are not their skivvy.

Below8Bbeyond · 17/04/2022 11:16

It sounds like you are used to organising everyone else, but you have neglected to organise things for yourself

Start this week, no need to wait

Get other people in the household to share chores

If you have enough in the budget

Book a weekend/week awa/ holiday just you & husband
Discuss future weekend plans
Discuss future retirement plans

Look for a job outside the home

Do some volunteering outside the home

Do some sort of sport/exercise outside the home

Start some new hobbies

Bellalasagne1 · 17/04/2022 11:16

We've been through the kids leaving home. It's hard and you'll need each other to get through it. Wherever you are regarding your relationship you really do need to make a life for yourself, whatever that means. Life is too short. Get out there, make your own friends, have some fun, and generate a social network because you're going to need it. Good luck!

FrownedUpon · 17/04/2022 11:22

Surely you have your own hobbies & interests though? Just get on and focus on these or develop new hobbies. Go on weekends away, walk, explore new places. If your DH won’t join you, do it alone or with friends.

collieresponder88 · 17/04/2022 11:34

Do a Shirley Valentine. Book somewhere you have always wanted to go and just do it !!!! Life is too short to be staring at your old man snoring in the chair.

Original poster
sandwiches77 · 17/04/2022 11:40

No DH wasn't active before the DC came along and i have been too busy raising them that I didn't notice and yes I have neglected myself.

I dont have many friends or hobbies as got stuck in a rut with raising the kids and now they are starting to fly, i am left

yes I know i need to start now, but just don't where to start as trying to keep the family together by putting a putting a brave face on. Money is very tight and DH can be controlling over money so I have to navigate around that too.

OP posts:
BIWI · 17/04/2022 11:42

What do you mean by 'trying to keep the family by putting a brave face on'? That sounds not only very sad but also a bit different from the issues you have raised in your OP.

MaChienEstUnDick · 17/04/2022 11:45

Every time you post it seems worse than a simple case of a 'pipe and slippers' DH... I think you need to shake things up a bit and see where they fall. Why are you putting on a brave face for nearly adults?

I think the best and simplest thing you could do is volunteer outside the home. That's free, connects you with others and gives you another focus. Do that for a couple of months, see how you feel. Just do one thing. One thing usually leads to another...

litterbird · 17/04/2022 11:48

I am so sorry you are at this point in your life. I think there maybe more to the issue than just your husband not wanting to do anything. I worry that you think if you did your own thing your family will fall apart? As for the money issue, you might want to step back and really explore what else your husband controls in your life. It may be time to really look closely at your future and where you want to be as at the moment you seem so dreadfully unhappy and unfulfilled x

Springhassprunggrasshasrizz · 17/04/2022 11:53

What do you talk about (apart from kids/wider family/dog/work)? Sounds a lonely marriage if he won't engage in hobbies or friends.

Iamnotamermaid · 17/04/2022 11:57

Keep yourself busy with sports, hobbies, interests etc. volunteer at places like national trust etc to get outdoors.

your DH sounds like he has got himself into a rut. Each birthday, Xmas etc don't buy things. Buy experiences, days out etc to try a shift him from the sofa...aim to get away for a day out or weekend from time to time. Appreciate money is tight but does not need huge amounts of time/money. Just an air bnb somewhere for a change of scenery. Hmm

ImAvingOops · 17/04/2022 11:59

Leave him and have a better life! You aren't telling us anything about him that indicates a loving positive relationship - he does nothing and he's tight. You deserve better

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 12:07

You can’t change him.

But get out there and start doing things now. Don’t leave it a few years, it take a while to find what works and make connections. Your comment about joining the WI when the kids leave makes me think you are over dependent on them (why not do it now?) so perhaps you both need to get out more.

Once he sees you doing more he might stir himself before he gets entrenched. Another reason to start now.

JayeAshe · 17/04/2022 12:09

Look for www.meetup.com in your area, group memberships are typically either free to join or a nominal fee.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 12:09

….reading your update it sounds like working outside the home would be better. Is that possible?

Also, when you say controlling about money, what do you mean? He keeps a beady eye, or he restricts your access?

Wombat98 · 17/04/2022 12:16

Why is 'a brave face' required?

Sounds like you need an entirely different life, not a new hobby.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/04/2022 12:18

Sounds like quite a bit going on here OP and I hope you don't mind me saying, but you sound very lonely. Does your DH realise the extent of your feeling on it all? Have you any hobbies from the past that you could return to? I have done this in the last year and it has been life changing. It has the benefit of being very social also and has been a revelation im realising lots of people have been out living their adult life in their 40s/50s/60s while I had been sitting home on the couch after bedtime! I don't think you are going to change your OH at this stage but you can change your own life and maybe go from there in terms of your relationship and what you get from it. Yes, as a pp said, it's a pity you don't work in person.

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