DH is turning into a recluse

[sandwiches77]

DH has always been quiet, but as he is hitting his mid 50s all he wants to do is sit in the armchair and snore. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything other than work. My kids are older teens now/nearly in their 20s, still living at home but starting to carve out their own lives which is how it should be and i understand that. But in the meantime, what about me? DH is turning into his father and I can see it getting worse as DH gets older. My MIL coped with DH father as she was heavily involved with her local Church and kept herself busy and socially connected with her Church choir, Church coffee mornings etc etc. But I am not a Church person..

my time at the moment is spent running the house and continuing to raise the kids while they are still at home while DH is either working or snoring in his armchair...

Trying to prepare ahead to begin to carve a little bit of life for myself when they have completely flown the nest as I dont want to be dependent on them for a social life as that isnt how it should be..

Thinking of joining the WI or similar in a few years time when the kids have left... any other ideas?

Sounds depressing. Op do you like cinema/walking? I often do these. I do have friends but times dont always suit so I go alone to cinema. Dog gets me out. I got into a walking group just for company once a week.

Have you heard of U3A (University of the 3rd age)? They have local sections and activities (anyone can start one up) at a reasonable price. My parents love it and have a way busier social life than me!!

The matter of your husband being financially controlling seems to be an entirely different issue altogether. Is it withholding money, or a budgeting oversight? Either way, seems that you have put up with this for so long, now I'd say you need to have a good think about what you want from your life going forward.

Perhaps others can come along to help you with this.

So he is a financially abusive male chauvinist pig? Never mind a club get yourself to a solicitor..

@sandwiches77
WTF would you feel guilty OP?!

There is more to this than meets the eye. I suggest some counselling to unpick why you feel guilty at the idea of having interests of your own. If he's happy to snooze leave him to it and find some activities that you enjoy.lf you are struggling with that then some counselling will help you to clarify why you feel like this and how to move forward. Good luck!

Cut the guilt OP— I felt this way for years as my OH had no local friends and I saw a psychotherapist (as I felt far too co dependent and lonely) who told me that I was making my life worse just to make theirs feel better. If they get a bit shirty ignore it- if they want to do bugger all— then they can’t expect you to just feel exactly the same. This is why I think you get post 60 divorces— one partner simply turns into an utter bore

You don't need to raise adult kids, come on. You already know the answer is to find a new hobby without him. Heck, even a solo hobby without him

Just reporting back, thanks for the push everyone, joined a netball group aimed at over 50s, everyone was so welcoming and friendly. Asked DH if he wanted to join a local walking group, he doesn't. So looking at joining so I can take dog along too. Also looking at a choir, never sung in my life other than compulsory hymn singing at CofE primary school a very long time ago! I can't sing in tune, so looking around to see what is available

DH leaves all the raising the family to me but then criticises my decisions which I find very frustrating.

You only get one life OP, so crack on and live it. This man is holding you back.I really hope that now you are finding some time for yourself that you will be happier.

That's a great update OP. Enjoy your new interests and drop the guilt! I found my own interests too, but for different reasons. Since our DC fledged the nest my DH is always busy and has interests and some friendships that don't include me. Fair enough, but I was feeling a bit taken for granted. I was proactive and started volunteering and even set up my own Meetup group. I'm busy too now and DH is a bit put out when I'm not always around for his convenience 😄

Wow OP, that's brilliant! So glad the netball was a success, sounds fun. Good for you

I would be having a serious think about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life coming home to a negative, controlling old man dozing in a chair. You clearly have way more about you than he does

Great update OP! Go for it!

Whiskeyandginger forgot to add that I have joined meetup too, I haven't joined anything yet

I’m late to this thread, OP, but I just wanted to send my best wishes for your new, happier, more sociable life.
The hardest thing is finding the courage to take that first step, but you did it - and look at how well it is turning out, with a fun netball group, exercise, potential new friends, getting out of the house.
Be encouraged by your success and build on it, try as many new activities as you can lay hands on, then pick the ones you enjoy most to form the basis of your future social
life.
Further ahead you have a decision to make - do you want your DH to remain in your life, or does he bring nothing to the party? Would you be happier divorcing him?
Does he have health issues - depression, sleep apnoea, chronic fatigue - that need addressing? Would he consider early retirement or part time work to reduce his apparent exhaustion?
Does he actually want a relationship, or just a convenient housekeeper? What do you get out of this deal?
Lots to consider, OP, but keep building your own life while you ponder how you want yo resolve the DH problem. Good luck, and well done on your progress so far!

Brilliant op, well done!

You haven't totally confirmed it, but your dh sounds controlling. Criticism is a classic tool to stop people making their own life/choices.

If your dh starts to push back by upping the criticism, don't engage but do have a serious think about what sort of live you will have if he's in it.

Also, is money really tight? Has he ever shown you the finances/savings? I'm better the 'money is tight' argument happens every time you suggest doing something that would make you feel happy and fulfilled.

Years ago I had a partner who would tell me there wasn't enough time/money whenever I suggested doing something I would enjoy.

I didn't realise his cheap trick until years later.

Yes he does show me the finances and yes money is tight especially with the cost of living crisis, but yes the "money is tight" card is played whenever I suggest things. He is very set in his ways

Thinking the same. Do you not go out with friends, go to the gym, yoga class, book club, hobby club whatever etc ?
How does he react when you suggest doing something together?
My partner is 56 soon and we are always out and about, together or apart. Mostly during the day though and then stay home evenings.

Money may be tight but there are many social groups/hobbies that you can enjoy that don't cost a fortune to do. Good for you for making a start!

Thanks everyone, found a group of new friends dog walking, so have started meeting up with them most mornings before work. Dog walking is free

What else can you suggest that is free or low cost?

I like going to the public lectures at our university. They have one a month at least, and they're free.

Join the WI now!

There are plenty of 'younger' ones about.
Even Virtual ones.

Start building your life now

Volunteering? Try your local council for local charities etc looking for help. Girl Guides / Scouts are always looking for help (or at least they are where I live!)

oh wow, I didn’t know they did these thanks!
there’s a fab looking 2 hour walk/talk plus pub after this weekend at mine, brilliant!

So why don't you mention something, get him to agree and then book it. Be it a comedian, show, something. Tell him you'd like to try a place for lunch, could we go one Saturday soon?

Bookclubs - just use borrowbox at your local library to reserve the monthly ebook or audiobook for free