DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

Get a job. Rent a home. Further away if it's cheaper somewhere else. Plenty of people do it.

The best thing you can do as a mother is show your children that they should never put up with being abused. By staying you
are showing them that the money is worth being abused for. Get your own money and your own life.

You owe it to your dd and her own future in relationships to show her this is not acceptable and how deal with it and get out.

What would you say to your dd if her partner did this to her?

If it happens once a year that means it's happened 18 times in your daughters lifetime. You're financially reliant on him even after your children have been witness to this 18 times as an absolute minimum?

Ask him to leave. Start applying for jobs.

Your children must be traumatised if this has happened multiple times. You can't have them around an abuser. Think of yourself as well. And the poor dog...

Op - this is tough for you. You probably know you should have let the police take him. It’s not ok to be like this, whatever “reasons” he may have. The fact that the dog is not unfamiliar with threatening behaviour actually says a lot more than you think. Your husband can’t be that lovely in between explosions of rage because otherwise the dog wouldn’t be aware. He’s a cruel, out of control and dangerous man.
Your DD will or could become someone who hates you for not reporting him, for traumatic events where she had to protect the dog, where she thought the dog, or much worse YOU could die. For nothing.
And maybe one day it will be you or the dog or both.
It’s entirely unfair for your child to grow up like this.
You know that.
And I hope you know that you don’t deserve it either

[quote mathanxiety]@rogoueblue, the majority of posts here are from people who have no clue when it comes to abuse.

Please click 'report' on your first post and ask MN to move the thread to the Relationships board, where you will get constructive advice and the support you need.

FFS people. Stop with the personal abuse and the sanctimony.

The OP knows what is going on isn't ok.

The average abused woman makes seven attempts to leave an abuser.

Do any of you pouring scorn on the OP have the faintest inkling why this is so?

[/quote]
Plenty of us have had abusive relationships. I wish I was less scared to start on my own and being poor and had left earlier. I became so happy living my own life!

I don't mean to be nasty OP but what the fuck are you doing exposing your kids to this man?

Get them out of there, your child shouldn't have been scared for her dogs life or her own life in her own home. Do you want her growing up expecting that this is the normal way for a partner to treat her?

I'm sorry but if you don't get out of there with your children, you are not only allowing yourself to be abused, you are enabling the abuse of your children. Once a year is once a year too many.

He is not a lovely man, he is a dangerous man. What if next time he hit you and killed you? What if he lost it and hit your child and killed them? He already shoved her. All it takes is one snap, he hits her, she falls and hits her head and is dead. It happens. How would you live with yourself?

Don't you think you deserve better? Because you do and so do your kids. I grew up in a house where I was terrified of my fathers temper. They split when I was 6 and although I would never say it, I resent my mother for staying as long as she did. Because I didn't have a choice. Even now in my 30s I won't call my dad if his football team have lost and I hate people shouting. Even a stroppy customer leaves me with my heart pounding in fear. I apologise obsessively and constantly for everything in what seems to be a desperate attempt to placate and head off a potential explosion of temper and can't stop until the other person reassures me that they aren't angry. Sometimes even then I continue to say sorry and agree with whatever they say to the point that my therapist has told me with tears in his eyes to stop and that he would never hurt me. Which I know, in my head. But I can't help it, its instinct.

Living in this situation does real damage to a child and even once a year is too much for what you describe. Please, OP just get out. Get your kids and dog and leave.

Fucking hell. Nope. That would be it for me. Keep him the hell away from yourself, your DCs and your dog.

He is abusive. Can you see that?

Did you let your kids grow up with no consequences for their behaviour? Making everything ok and continuing with a normal evening basically tells him his behaviour is ok and nothing will happen to him. Let him get damn well carted off. He wants to pretend it never happens because that’s what you do and you let him. It’s not healthy and it’s not safe, your daughter can leave but the poor dog can’t and will be traumatised.

I get it’s hard and you’re struggling but sounds like your kids are teenage and older so get a job and get out, womens aid etc are out there to support people, he can’t be allowed to do this I couldn’t live in fear of when he’ll next kick of, what will he do next?…

I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. I'm afraid PPs are right; this is going to end in tragedy eventually. I grew up watching my mum go through this, then ended up in a similar position myself. I got out 18 months ago and it was hard, but you can do it. It sounds like your husband needs help for his anger, but that's his responsibility and it doesn't sound like he's prepared to step up yet. You need to think of yourself and your daughter. Womens Aid can and will help you. They're very discreet and can put you in touch with other services. If you need to move away and disappear off the radar, they can help you.

There's a lot of support out there - you just need to take that first step and admit how bad things are. From experience, that was the scariest part for me. It gets easier, honestly.

I had three houses and a golden life and would have been retired by 50. Now I’m renting but me and the children are happy and safe. You must act now. He is not normal and not safe. You have been conditioned into believing you can not live alone and can not cope or survive without him but you will not only survive but thrive. You must walk on egg shells constantly not knowing when he will flip. You have a duty to teach your daughter acceptable boundaries you have a duty to be kind to yourself and empower yourself to start a new life and build new boundaries. Contact the police - you have the means now and tell them you were fearful for your life and that of your dog and you want to meet them out of the house to discuss it. Then go for a walk with the dog and DD and meet the officers and report him.

My ex did something similar to my dd (not his dd) and I kicked him out the next day, threw all his belongings outside and changed the locks. No way was I letting someone lose their shit with my dd.

Please don’t let your dd think it’s ok to let a man do this to you or her.

You are setting your daughter up for a lifetime of anxiety. You, but especially her must live on constant eggshells fearing what will set him off.
You have normalised this for your now adult children. That is wrong. What you should be doing is leaving him, telling the police what really has happened over the years, get him dealt with then get yourself and your children into therapy where they can hopefully overcome any MH issues that living in an abusive household has caused them.

Rougueblue You are NOT completely reliant on him financially !! You are married and therefore 50% of everything (at least ) is yours. !!

That is NOT an excuse to put up with this .

So basically, you've shown your husband and your DD that his behaviour to you and to her is perfectly acceptable AND that you will lie for him to cover it up.

Is that really OK with you? And don't talk about 'once a year'. Frequency has nothing to do with unacceptable behaviour. If I walked into your kitchen and shit on your floor 'once a year' would you happily clean up after me and say 'Well, she only does it once a year'. Hell no, you'd call the police on me and well you should. Well, he's shitting on your life 'once a year'.

But I'll bet if you are honest it's much more than 'once a year'. Stop and consider all the times during the year you tiptoe around him, watch your words/actions, and go out of your way to either 'please' or 'not antagonize' him. That counts as shitting on your life, too. And the lives of ALL of your children whether 'directly' involved or not.

And do you understand what it takes for a perfect stranger to actually call the police? That's not a decision someone takes lightly.

You need to contact WA. You do have options.

You say you don’t know what to do.

You DO know.

You don’t WANT to do it, because it’s hard, because it’s not often and you can convince yourself that it won’t escalate and that maybe you can tolerate this abuse once a year because the rest of your lives are comfortable.

You need to do what the rest of us have done. Bite the bullet, pull up your big girl pants and protect your dd and dog. And yourself. But that can be a harder one to sell. I know I wouldn’t have made the same choices if it was just about me, but knowing that my dd was watching and learning what it means to be a woman, and that my teen sons were witnessing this as part of their education in “how to be a man” meant that by own need for stability and familiarity and security went out the window and all that mattered at that point was showing them all that NONE OF US SHOULD PUT UP WITH FEELING THREATENED, ABUSED OR DISRESPECTED IN OUR OWN HOME. It’s been hard, I won’t lie. Over 4 months have gone by and I still miss the good parts of my ex. But I couldn’t sit by and watch my kids cry, or my cats be scared of a rampaging man, and I couldn’t bear the idea that they might grow up and have relationships like that themselves because it has been normalised to them.

Please don’t be scared off by the robust replies on here. It’s tough love. Do the right thing by your DCs and yourself and report the nasty fucker for what he did. You are trauma bonded to him and don’t want to hurt him, but he has no such worries about you.

By staying with him you are teaching your children it's ok for men to be violent and abusive as long as it's only once a year. They will carry this knowledge into their own adult relationships.

@WomanStanleyWoman

If an argument is bad enough for neighbours to call the police, it’s too big to be forgotten.

This

If a pass by thinks the police need to be called it must of been very loud and very frightening

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

I think you need to contact the police and explain this to them, that his presence stopped you telling the truth.

By you covering for him with the police, he'll now feel he can do anything he wants and get away with it.

You need to get on to the police. ASAP.

First time he brought one of the kids into it ?so it's OK when it's all targeted at you then. Oh. Ok. But you KNOW it's not OK. Doesn't matter if its once a year, that's once too often. Think about it, a passerby heard enough to call the police and you made excuses for him. You LIED for him, it wasn't only verbal. Maybe being hauled off in the police car would have made him realise what he did wasn't acceptable.
I'm not saying you should LTB but it is time you stood up to him. Tell him you're not going to pretend it didn't happen and that he has to make changes. He could be stressed by his job and that's triggering him to behave like this. He could be drinking too much. When my DH drank certain brands of beer I knew he would kick off (I asked him to stop drinking or leave. He stopped)He could very well benefit from anger management and counselling but you Need to be clear that if he doesn't seek help , you won't be there the next time he let's his temper explode.seriously, he is a danger to you , your family, your dog and himself

@IncompleteSenten

Maybe he should have been carted off in a police car.

Agreed, he absolutely should have been.

OP has his one year meltdowns been happening since your DCs were little?

He needs to see a Dr to make sure something neurological isn't going on since you said he only has these episodes once a year.

Don’t be ridiculous! He is a violent abuser. Full stop.

@rogoueblue please report him to the police.

OP, I'm your daughter 20 years down the line. Witnessed similar from my 'Dad' including threats to punch that became actual punches, and worse - then DM pretending like everything's peachy.

It is fucking not.

I'm NC with them now. Choose your next actions wisely.