DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

LEAVE him , he could kill one of you or your dog

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

Although at 18 she has likely already internalised the abuse cycle and it will likely have a severe effect on her choices as an adult. Please also look into some therapy for you both.

This. She locked herself in the bathroom and didn't call the police because to her this is normal and not a police matter, which you reinforced when you lied about it "only" being verbal (even if I was only verbal that's still not ok) to protect him and sent the police away.

You've taught her that abusers are to be protected from the consequences of their own behaviour, that this is more important than her/yours/dog's welfare and your minimised what he's done by carrying on afterwards as if it didn't happen.

U are making excuses for him. So once a year ur OK to be threatened with violence? Once a year ur OK for ur child to be abused by her dad because that's what it is ABUSE and u have let ur children suffer that. And no wonder the poor dog is a nervous wreck.

Look, no one is saying it's easily to report and leave ur a partner but u can't live like that. My ex was a drinker, I left when my son was 6 months cause I didn't want him growing up with that. My ex wasn't violent but his words were nasty and he just about broke me, so much so I actually told my sister I understand why abused women turn on their men (if u get what I mean).
It's not too late to talk to the police. U need to do the right thing and sort this out x

We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson

I don't have kids but have a dog. This would be a total deal breaker for me. You need to leave for your sake, DD and your dog.

Imagine if he had hit your Daughter or killed your dog? Pack his bags you deserve better x

Don’t leave. Make him leave.

So for at least TEN years, since your dd was younger than 8 I imagine she has had to walk on egg shells when her dad is drunk because of these outbursts. And you have been ready to excuse him because he works hard. Lots of men work hard in physical jobs, they don’t have violent fits that mean strangers in the street are so worried for you they call the police.

I am willing to bet things in your house get very stressful around Christmas, New Year, birthdays, holidays etc.Am I right?

It really doesnt matter if it is once a year or once a week or every day....

It happens... and YOU ARE ALLOWING IT!!
Get him out.
Get the paperwork sorted.
Get divorced.
Show your famiy THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Do not accept it.
Do not explain it.
Do not excuse it.
It is abuse.
And so far ..... you are enabling him...

Sort it.

Your post is entitled 'DH wants to pretend it never happened' but it sounds like you do too for fear of rocking the boat.

Your daughter and dog are traumatised and will remain so (I have also been there and the fear and consequences do not go away for many many years). They need you to protect them!

Fuck me! This is abuse, no doubt about it. OP, I would go back to the police and report what really happened. Your husband is an abuser and it is not fair that your children or dog should be made to put up with it. You need to get them and yourself out of this.

I am so angry on your behalf and cannot understand why you have not allowed the police to do their job.

He's a piece of shit love.

He's only 'nice' the rest of the time because the triggers are not there, maybe you're all walking on eggshells enough or pacifying him sufficiently.

The crux of it is though is that he is an abusive man.

How nice for him to be able to explode when ever he can't cope with life, what would it be like if everyone was like that.

He's a cunt with no control when it comes to his family, I bet he's never exploded like this outside the home.

He's a coward who bullies and intimidates women, children and defenseless animals.
Bastard who needs to be taught a lesson, have consequenses or needs burying.

I work with victims of domestic abuse and you are trying to normalise his behaviour. This is not ok. Firstly, pet abuse is a precursor to physically abusing your own children and partner. You are also failing to protect your own children, for the past 10yrs they have probably pretended to be asleep in their rooms and hear the commotion within the home.

If you cannot contact the police, please contact one of your local domestic abuse charities and talk through what you are going through. Just because he works long hours and is stressed is NOT and excuse to threaten/display physical violence.

However, 100 people could tell you to leave and it’s never that simple. YOU have to be ready to leave, and you need to be mentally strong enough for that. Please focus on you and your children to get support, so you either tell him to go or leave him with your family pets.

You shouldn’t have to put up with this

Ah so you must be planning to wait until he actually punches one or both of you and or murders your dog before you actually acknowledge he is a dangerous and violent man 🤯 he needs to STOP all alcohol and most importantly attend an anger management/counselling course asa very minimum IF he wants to try to remain in your lives. Not that I’d go this route, I’d have told the police the truth and let them arrest him then changed the locks myself.

Also OP you have considered it might be your daughter that receives the first physical attack rather than you I hope???! Perhaps when you are not there maybe

Get away from him now..next time could be so much worse. Take it from someone who's been in a very similar situation once. It will get worse. Get away today

Would you be happy if your daughter was the one in a relationship like this? You’d tell her to leave…so take that advice.

Staying sets the example to her that she doesn’t have a voice about being a victim.

@TeaStory

I think you need to go back to the police and say that you felt unable to say what really happened in front of your husband. That sounds utterly terrifying. Ha assaulted you, he assaulted your daughter, he abused the dog.

This

Please act OP

this is so sad.
It's so frustrating to know that you won't get help for you and your child.

@Diva66

Don’t leave. Make him leave.

Do you realise how difficult - not to mention dangerous - it is to tell a man like this they need to leave??!

Having grown up with violence and sudden outbursts like that I say kick the scumbag out. Your daughter is already affected by this.

You've been conditioned to accept this. I'd bet you ignore a lot of other shit that many of us wouldn't see as normal because it doesn't register as bad enough.

Get in touch with any DV services in your area to get reassurance that this is bad enough to warrant you getting help. It is.

I work with services that help DV and part of their arm is to rehabilitate abusers and the success rate is 0.0002% and do you know why ? This came from the councillors that work with these abusive people say in and out

1. It doesn't benefit the person being abusive to change. The yelling, hitting or belittling or whatever it is allows them to be in control and makes everyone in tenter hooks watching their every move. The behaviour is always about control and why would they give this away ?

1. They always always give themselves permission to do the abusive act. Men who have shattered bones in their partners bodies (due to partner making them angry) have been asked why don't you break your mums bones (if mum has made them angry)and they are often scandalised and say they could never do that to their mum...they have a set of rules, it just depends if they have given permission to themselves to act on it.

1. Word of warning this will more than likely mean your children will mimic this behaviour in adult life - you can't predict via gender which role they will take on. The more they see or have seen the more likely it is. The behaviour maybe normal to you, but is it what you would accept for your children. If it's a no, then please get out and show them a new way of living.

No judgement to anyone btw I also know it's takes a person 8 times to successfully leave a abusive situation.

The tv series "the maid" on Netflix had a good quote "at first they hit around you, then they hit you" - verbal abusive escalates, gets more frequent and will usually on some level turn violent.

It also sounds like the starting of a drink problem tbh. Having lost many people to that evil disease I have to say the statistics of beating abusive behaviour and drink are very slim in deed. Being drunk doesn't excuse the abusive behaviour as it only allows the abuser to be more confident at breaking their internal rules.

Good luck ok and for your sake I hope I'm wrong

He needs help with his anger. He can only be helped if he realises he needs help.
Sorry, its tough for your family.

@namechangeranonymouse

" "I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car."

This is exactly what you should have wanted to happen and made sure it did.

You were in shock by default you're not seeing things properly. If his behaviour warrants being carted off then you are doing him no favours by preventing it. They will have made a note of it and your address is now known as a DV address with good reason

I’m flabbergasted you are still there. You can’t teach your daughter that it’s ok for her father to treat her this way, she will grow-up thinking it’s ok for men to verbally/physically abuse her because her father did it to her and her mother. OP you know what you need to do, if not for you, do it for your daughter and dog.

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts

I'm guessing that's because once a year is all it takes for him to keep you and your kids tiptoeing around him for fear of setting him off?

The fact your dog starts shaking at raised voices is telling.

Please, please contact the police and get this excuse for a man out of your life before he hurts you or your family, or destroys your relationships with your kids.